Registered User
dobbing
Let's talk about dobbing. Do you discourage it or not?
I think it isn't really healthy social behavior, and I only really want to know if someone else has done something seriously wrong. Otherwise, I'm somewhat happy for DD2 to learn to manage when to tell, and when not to. What do you think? Is dobbing always good, always bad, or otherwise?
Administrator
I try and teach my kids to evaluate what I need to know and what I don't. And I strongly believe the only way to stop sobbing is to give them the tools to deal with conflict themselves. I don't think it's unhealthy. I think it's part of growing. I don't want my kids to think they can't come to me if there is a problem. But getting me to sort out every problem for the isn't great either. If they continue to expect me to fix it chances are they don't know how to.
Registered User
What Rouge said.
Registered User
I discourage it at work - some children take dobbing to the extreme and come and dob for every teeny tiny thing! I am a believer in helping children develop the skills to solve some problems without adult intervention. This means trying to help them learn what's important enough to tell someone about and what's something they should sort out themselves.
Registered User
Like rouge said.
Guiding our kids to help them reach that stage of confidence where they can tackle these issues on their own more often.
It comes with a child's age mainly and also how much effort the parent put into helping them too.
Administrator
But with that I think it's important to teach how to deal with each situation.. From saying no. And how to deal with issues with sharing, conflict etc.
We do the "talk it out method". My kids will often have to sit on the couch and discuss the problem, how to fix it and what they both did vs should have done. I think we teach our children to fail when we have "right" and "wrong" actions. Instead I try and encourage them to look at things like "Well this didn't work, this was the outcome, this is the desired outcome, and how to get it" in kids terms obviously. I used to sit with them and guide them through to resolution. And now they have the tools to do it on their own.
And when they are little. It is my job to teach them by explaining. Not getting angry and listening. It's all a learning process.
Registered User
OK - glad to hear your perspectives
I'm not really talking about conflict though, just "hey mum, johnny just did the finger" etc etc. Something with little consequence but that could get them in trouble. I really don't want DD2 to be that kind of dobber. I'd rather (somehow? ideas?) teach her that if she doesn't think that is good behavior, to not embrace that person as a friend but just an aquintance.
Administrator
I wouldn't have a problem if DD told me something like that. But I'd turn it into a discussion, rather than it being gossipy, which is what dobbing becomes after a certain period.. And I'd then ask her what she thinks we should do. It's breaking that pattern. Giving her the space to think outside the square for herself. And giving you the opportunity to bounce her thoughts with you.
BellyBelly Life Subscriber
I reckon maybe that kind of dobbing is just normal behaviour for kids wanting to debrief stuff they don't really 'get', either because the behaviour is strange to them or because they don't understand why another kid (for eg) did something they thought wasn't ok.
I just tend to ask DS what he thinks/feels about it
Registered User
I would probably discourage the type of dobbing that is done to simply get another party into trouble and try to teach them to work out their issues constructively. But I don't discourage dobbing when it gives me information that stops someone from getting hurt, or helps me out.
My son so far doesn't dob to get his sisters in trouble. He's only 3. His dobbing is usually:
"Muuuuuummmm, Shayla is standing on the table" (don't stress, it's just a little low table in the play area)
"Muuuuuummmm, Arlia's done spitty banani" (that means she's vomited)
"Muuuuuummmm, Shayla's throwing her food"
"Muuuuuummmm, my socks are falling down" (dobbing on his socks hehehe)
So whilst some of them ARE dobbing on his sisters, his intent is not to get them in trouble and he's actually doing it to try to help me out.
Registered User
DD1's prep teacher had a good saying that I have started using when the kids came to her dobbing on someone "Now is that something that I need to know about or is it something you can work through yourself?" Makes them think about what needs to come to me and what doesn't.
Moderator
Our rule is that if someone isn't in danger I don't want to know about it.
Registered User
Yeah I just do the same. Mine aren't old enough to be dobbing yet really anyway. But I think kids go through that stage anyway and they are learning what they should and shouldn't tell you. So it wouldn't bother me really I don't think (though seeing as I haven't been there yet I'll have to wait and see).
I reckon maybe that kind of dobbing is just normal behaviour for kids wanting to debrief stuff they don't really 'get', either because the behaviour is strange to them or because they don't understand why another kid (for eg) did something they thought wasn't ok.
I just tend to ask DS what he thinks/feels about it
Registered User
I think your DD1's prep teacher has it right!
Administrator
I dunno. I think the don't tell me unless you're bleeding thing does kids a disservice. Instead of allowing them to open up a discussion. And then you have the high school years where problems arise from kids being too scared to talk about anything because they are fearful of dobbing. I know my friends and I talk about everything. And that's not considered dobbing? Like I said in a previous post I use dobbing as a way to teach them how to problem solve and how not to judge and how not to gossip. In stead of it being an inconvenience to me why not use it as a opportunity to teach good social skills. And if it turns out it is just vengeful tattle tailing it'll end quickly because it won't get the desired result.
Registered User
I agree with Rouge. I don't think the problem is so much the act of 'dobbing', but what the consequence of the dobbing is. If its always going to be met with "Johnny did what? Johnny, come here!" I don't think it's very constructive. But sometimes kids don't have the tools to cope with a situation, so they go to mum and dad. Instead of teaching them to dob someone in so they get in trouble, it should be met with ways to solve the problem, help the child identify whether it is, in fact, something that actually affects them, explore why they feel the way they do about it, and give them tools to resolve the situation themselves in the future.
Registered User
I like this too..........
My nieces are terrible dobbers, drives me insane, they even dobbed on ME once
I haven't really noticed DS dobbing yet? What age do kids start doing it?
Registered User
We've had this discussion
You know my thoughts, DS is a dobber, and at the moment we are quite happy to let it continue and not discourage it. I think when he gets older we might get him to do things a little different, but at the moment we are thrilled that he does tell us things - especially because it usually is naughty behaviour of his sisters lol
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