Help?

[Eenee]

Note: I've posted this in gentle parenting area.

DD's behaviour is out of control I'm at the point of tears today because I feel like somehow I've failed and failed her.

He bit DS quite hard on the arm yesterday and has done again today. (DS is 6mths) and he also has a red eye from where she hit him in the face (must have scratched his eye). She hits an kicks him and jumps and sits on his head. I end up just yelling which scares her and makes me feel bad but doesn't solve the problem.

She is a very full on little girl, she doenst walk she runs she seems to work in fast forward and it tires me out just watching her. At home she will not amuse or play by herself as she gets bored very quickly so turns her behaviour into something destructive. I recently found she will at least sit for a brief time to watch play school which gives me a short break. I don't like using TV but mummy needs some timeout too!

It's hard enough keeping her from hurting her brother but then there is other kids babiesThat I have to worry about as she will hit babies if she isn't able to play with them!!

[little_O]

Have you tried the 3 warnings and then time out/naughty spot? Not at that stage yet, but a close friend of mine uses it with success for her son who is a similar age and temperament.

Also does she have a "baby" of her own? One that she needs to care for? Sometimes that help if she respects her doll she learns to respect a real baby?

I'm sure some other mums have some other ideas too

[Calluna]

She is a very full on little girl, she doenst walk she runs she seems to work in fast forward and it tires me out just watching her. At home she will not amuse or play by herself as she gets bored very quickly so turns her behaviour into something destructive. I recently found she will at least sit for a brief time to watch play school which gives me a short break. I don't like using TV but mummy needs some timeout too!*

I dont have any advice but this describes my DS perfectly. He might watch 30mins of a movie before he has to get moving again. He literally prefers to run laps of the lounge room than sit and read a book. Its exhausting. To the point where I often wonder if its normal behaviour.
Will be watching this thread.

[HotI]

My DD is also very full on, and in the early days was quite rough with DS. Unless i was just there, within arms reach, i had to seperate the two of them just to keep him safe. She could also be incredibly loving towards him, but this wasn't all the time.

As DS has become more able to interact with her, she is getting more positive attention from him and doesn't feel the need to poke, hurt him etc just to get the reaction.

Time had the biggest affect on change, but giving DD concentrated attention (doing craft or jumping on trampoline) seem to fill a need in her that reduced the destructo moods. Giving her special time with DS also helped. So, having ds sit on her knee, or have a cuddle - she only needed about 20seconds and she was ready to do something else, but it helped foster the bond in a positive way.

Her reactions were/are quite immediate or in the present time, so i doubt that time outs etc would have had much impact, but i don't do them so couldn't say.

it is tough, but it has got better here.

[sloane]

but giving DD concentrated attention (doing craft or jumping on trampoline) seem to fill a need in her that reduced the destructo moods. Giving her special time with DS also helped. So, having ds sit on her knee, or have a cuddle - she only needed about 20seconds and she was ready to do something else, but it helped foster the bond in a positive way.

i was going to suggest this also. my DS is a fairly active kid as well and i find i need to give him lots of opportunity to run wild. well, not literally but things like lots of trips to the park, outside time etc. we also do swimming & this year we did a class called playball. i don't like the idea of overdoing structured activities but they were both outlets for his energy. we also did playgroup - that was all free play & did raise some problems (mostly for me) when he was going through his rough phase but it did wear him out & stop destructive-type behaviour.

[Three Graces]

We bought one of those small trampolines for DS when he was about 18 months old. The ones with the surround b.c he loved to jump at gymbaroo and in his cot. He LOVED it. Not sure if your DD would be interested, but it does give them a space to burn some energy.

My obs told me this one: she has 3 kids and when she had the third bub, she had a felt board on the wall and different activities and her middle child could choose 2 pictures of what he wanted to do while she fed bubs. It gave the older child some control over what they wanted to do and a bit of structure. She used to mix the activities/pictures, so there would be a picture of a train, or building blocks, or play dough etc. Bit difficult if your DD won't play independently - I think that's a first child thing b.c our DS1 and every other first child I know seems to want more interaction from adults and siblings when they play.

Also, when I came home with our third bub this year, I made a point of spending special one on one time with the older boys while DD slept. As much as the washing needing to be done or the dishes etc, we would sit on the floor and do a puzzle or get the paints out or bake a cake together. Although, my boys are older than your DD and I haven't had any jealousy issues with them. I think 3 is easier than 2, b.c they older ones have somebody else to play with, whereas, your DD is wanting just your attention right now.

The doll suggestion could work - especially if you praise her for being gentle with 'her baby' and make a big deal out of being really careful etc.
Lastly, you could try a playpen for your DS when he's on the floor so that he's not at risk of being sat on/scratched or bitten, especially if you have to use the toilet or grab the phone etc. I know you want to work on DD's behaviour so that she doesn't do this, but it could keep DS out of harm's way while you're working on it.

[peanutter]

Absolutely get her a "baby" of her own, who she can name, put to bed, feed, burp, change, dress, etc. You can take him/her with you for walks, and you can give her lots of praise for playing gently and lovingly with her baby, taking good care of her, etc.

And you can encourage her presenting her baby to DS for kisses, cuddles, etc too - so she and DS are sort of working together to take care of her baby.

Do you think that would help?

[Butterfly Dawn]

Dd is 18/19 mth and full on too.
It has taken me ages to get her to sit and do anything for more then afew mins. She will sit in her high chair and draw with felts - thank goodness for washable ones!
She plays cherrios - I put dry cherrios in a bowl and give her a spoon and 2 other different containers, she eats some and plays some and vacuum up easily
books, magazines, pots and spoons, musical things,
I still need to sit with her until she is happy playing and need to "vist" a lot but sometimes its works. And the more practice she gets like that the better.
Ds1 is the same so when he's home I have 2 kids that can't entertain themselves. Luckily ds2 can

I also think a doll might help. Dd has 2 that she puts in a small pram and walks. Its helped her learn about body parts like eyes without hurting us too much.

Dd gets in filthy moods. I ignore them for the most part and sometimes I can change them by playing peek-a-boo by myself round a door- she'll join in, or some game that involves ticking. If I can make her laugh it helps.

[KitFaerie]

Has there been anything that has made a difference, even if only for a little while? It is developmentally normal behaviour, she's figuring out reactions and it's pretty interesting to make your baby brother crack it! Do you think it's a jealousy thing or a control thing or a just need something to do thing? I'd try and figure out what she's thinking and feeling about it all and then go from there.

I'm sorry you've had to yell, it's such an awful feeling when you know it's not what you want to be doing but feel like you've run out of options, and then it doesn't work anyway!

[Eenee]

Thanks everyone

She has a doll she calls baby lol and she absolutely loves it to bits she loves babies and DS and can be really loving. She even BF's her dolls and DS lol but then all of a sudden she starts lashing out it's really frustrating because I end up yelling which is just pointless but I really struggle not yelling. I end up apologising and saying sorry Mummy yelled she shouldnt yell but I was upset you did xyz...

sorry DS is calling...

[Eenee]

Thanks for the suggestions, she loves it outside but our backyard is not really great (we plan on building soon so moving).

Hoping after she gets a few more things to play with for Christmas it may help.

This is her being her version of gentle rough http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-A8eHO5pb1w

We have tried timeout with some success but it stopped working when she was out of nappies as she will just wee to get out of it or say wee's wee's so I let her use the potty.

[Arcadia]

I think it's all normal behaviour at her age and wouldn't use time out.

My dd loved sticker books at that age, and we would sit together while I fed ds and do the sticker books together. Look for the simple hinkler brand ones that teach your child to put colours in right spot etc.

I would also use a portacot for your ds so there is no opportunity for her to access ds unless you're there.

You need to break this recent cycle by removing ds to a safe spot and creating positive interaction with dd. I would also start randomly praising her for being such a kind gentle big sister to recreate the narrative in her mind too.

The most important thing is to calm yourself and stop your own cycle of yelling because it doesn't work and everyone is sad (but hey we all do it occasionally!). Play school is brilliant and my kiss watch it twice a day!

My ds is a bit younger than your dd but he can ready do puzzles in my iPhone or iPad, so maybe look at that too. Tozzle ones are great and could entertain her when you're feeding.

Then when you're ready for an outing make dd walk and run and jump etc so she gets rid of her energy. Loud music works well here too. I also love looking up Disney classic songs on you tube so I can enjoy my own childhood memories.

When dd does hurt ds, put her on the floor ( sit her down) and say no, please be gentle, and ask her to show you gentle hands by stroking your hand. When she does that, be positive and stand her up and move on. Repeat ad nauseum! My kids have moved through hitting phases quickly doing that.

As for biting, neither of mine are biters, but you could try the same technique but say, mouths are for kissing people. You could ask dd all the things she could bite, like apples etc and then say we don't bite people!

[Eenee]

Thanks Arcadia

Yeah when she is being gentle I do praise her and sometimes when I see her going over to DS looking like she's about to hit/kick him I say oh ate you giving DS a kiss that's nice and she will then kiss him.

She is not usually a biter but I think she's getting her 2yrold molars as she is chewing everything. I'm thinking about getting one of those iPad kids covers as she already tries to chew on my iphone. I'm still breastfeeding them both and DS is a quick feeder so that time is usually not a problem I unless she wants to feed too!

[Eenee]

Arcadia we hae been trying the gentle hands and it's working so far. She even grabbed a toy and took it to DS and looked at me and said share

[lisaandshaun]

that sounds like my daughter, we looked into her diet and found that several types of colours/preservatives would set her off. by eliminating (was a very lengthy process) she has slowed down and is calmer.
Maybe worth looking into that?

[Butterfly Dawn]

That's sweet
its amazing how fast they learn or unlearn things. Sounds like your on the right road already