Self settling

[Marley&Me]

I love the idea of self settling. But is it too much to expect from a 4 week old? I don't want dd to have to rely on things to get her to sleep. She is currently in her bassinet making a fuss after I have just spent almost 2 hours feeding and trying to settle her. I have even been pushing the pram around the house in a desperate attempt to get her her to sleep.

[meow]

I think 4 weeks is too early to expect self settling. I started trying to teach my first son to self settle at around 10 months and my second at around 2.5 years.

[maybebaby2012]

I'm not sure to be honest. I'm absolutely uncomfortable with the idea of 'teaching' a bub to self settle If it involves leaving them to cry or being otherwise unresponsive but I do believe some babies do it without prompting. Most of the time I feed, rock, sing my little one to sleep etc but other times if he is clean, fed & tired he will fall asleep lying in his swing naturally by his self. It's a really sweet thing to watch, he's just really relaxed and sleepy during those times I guess. At 4 weeks although heartbreakingly exhausting I think it is completely normal for Bubs to require help to settle, I'm of the feeling that the first month is like the 4th trimester with bubby slowly adjusting to the world around them.at least for me it helps not to perceive their sleeping habits during the early weeks as a problem but rather just the unfortunate way it is, like the sun feeling too hot on a summers day. That's not to say it isn't a rude shock though! I'm a second time mum and still shattered by the sleep deprivation!

[meow]

I do believe some babies do it without prompting.

I agree with this! I starting actively trying to teach my first son because I wasn't coping at that point. I used a no-cry technique I developed from "the no-cry sleep solution" and it worked well- took at least a month to get there.

I've been more relaxed second time around but I am helping my son see that he can self settle by allowing him to go down to bed awake sometimes and going in to him as he needs it.

[Bloom]

I know that quite a few people will disagree with me but I will offer my own experience as a different perspective.

My DS would cry for up to 30 minutes when he was tired and I was trying to settle him in the normal, "gentle" ways. This was pretty hard on both of us. When he was 6 weeks old a trusted friend suggested leaving him alone in a darkened room. Having exhausted all other options, I gave it a go. The first time he cried for 8 minutes, then slept. The next nap he cried for 5, then the following one only 3. To my mind, this was heaps better than 30 minutes of crying, even if he was being held for those 30 minutes. I think that my presence was too stimulating for him.

I continued using these techniques for DS2 and DD and they do self settle to sleep and have done since they were about 3 weeks old. We have lots of cuddles, I sing to them while walking into the darkened room, then I say "time for sleepies baby, off to sleep now" a few times, then say "love you" while I leave the room. If there is more than 3 minutes of crying, it generally means I have misread the cues and they are not tired. Some people would say that I just happen to have those magic children who can... or maybe I've taught them.

But you have to feel comfortable with it and be consistent. I worked for me and was best for our family.

[Bloom]

Oh and I don't think that my technique is being "unresponsive". If you know your baby is communicating to you that they are tired, then I respond to that need by getting them to sleep in the way that is best for them. To be honest, it has also been best for us as a family as a whole.

[Beatrix]

My dd is 4 months old today.

She generally doesn't settle on her own and also doesn't like to sleep on her own either.
She is rocked or held to sleep sometimes in our swing. During the day she doesn't feed to sleep but at night because we co sleep its a boob in the mouth in bed and once done she is straight back to sleep. I don't change her at night unless she has pooped.

I can prob count on one hand the amount of times she has self settled as such.

My SILs baby on the other hand from day one would just fall asleep on her own no worries so all babies are completely different.

Once bubs is over 6 months we might begin the no cry solution and see how that goes because I would like to be able to put her down during the day

[Heaven]

Yes IMO it is too much to expect from a 4wk old (if she's not naturally doing it herself). She doesn't have any sleep problems, she is sleeping perfectly normally (and healthily) for her age. Its just unfortunate that babies sleep needs are different from ours :/

Self settling didn't happen here until 2 yrs of age (that's with letting it happen naturally/not doing anything to change it).

I found it much easier when I accepted that that's how my babies slept and stopped trying to change them. The worrying about it and trying to force them to change when they didn't want to was much more stressful than the actual problem. When I stopped resisting and stopped watching the clock at night things seemed much easier. I wish someone had told me that earlier. I know it's hard, but you'll get used to it and it will get easier

[Marley&Me]

She did self settle one time. She was awake after a feed and I had to go to the loo. So I wrapped her and just popped her down and when I came back she was asleep. I couldn't believe my eyes! But that was the only time. The other night was tough, she was very uncooperative. 2 hours after a feed and exhausted I got her sleep and put her down. Got into bed and started to drift off and then it starts. She starts sooking at first for 5 minutes off and on then it turns into crying. So I left her for another 3-5 min after the crying started and came out to rock the bassinet for 5 minutes till she closed her eyes and went back to bed. This was repeated about 4 times and the last time I just came out, put the dummy inherent mouth and walked back to the bedroom. To my surprise I didn't hear a peep after that. I think she'd just exhausted herself and me and gave up.

[meow]

I would think she would be hungry again after two hours of settling to sleep and then having a sleep. Perhaps try feeding her again then rather than trying to settle.

[Saffy]

my theory was if she wasn't doing it herself ( which some obviously can as some babies sleep through from early on, most don't) then I would help her sleep for the first 6 months, then deal with it after that- which is what I am doing now. my sister spent the first 6 months of her babies life trying to get him to self settle, going to sleep schools etc, while I just fed to sleep, and to be honest their sleep isn't that much different.

4 weeks is very young still, she is still adjusting to life outside the womb and I would think it was unusual for babies to self settle at this stage. I agree 2 hour after a feed, she might have been ready for another feed or a BF topup.

Hugs tasha, you are going well xx

[Arimeh]

I remember a few of mine would self settle from that early age, but then they stopped doing it. I went with what they needed though, I mean, I'm 36 and I like to be cuddled to go to sleep, its a lovely feeling! So why wouldn't they like it too.

My 6.5 year old still needs DH to sit outside his room to go to sleep. I sit in with my 2 year old for her to go to sleep, then I go sit in with the 3 and 5 year olds to get them to go to sleep. So cuddling them doesn't last forever, as they get older they either fall asleep on their own (which my 5 year old will do, but not when she's sharing with her noisy 3 year old sister) or you just have to sit there. Which I don't really mind, I get to sit in a dark room with nice relaxing music and chill out whilst surfing BB and FB LOL

I think if they can self settle on their own great, but if they need help then there is nothing wrong with that either.

I also have a 15 minute limit on trying to settle a baby or toddler - just because I know in myself that I get too frustrated. So if my babies don't settle after 15 minutes of trying, then I try something different. Try to feed again, or burp again, or change a nappy, change in surroundings etc - then try again 15 minutes later.

Babies can sense stress and frustration, and I hate being cranky at a baby when they don't really know any better, they're just doing what babies do. So I put limits on myself because I know that I can't handle it for longer than that without wanting to give them away to the nearest charity LOL

[CoNNiE_Melb]

I taught my DS to self settle at 3 months, but this time I think I'll try earlier - now that I understand the signs and techniques better.
The key is to know the difference between whining and real crying. And to be CONSISTENT! Do the same thing every night, including the bed time routine.
I would start at 6 weeks and if you need a guide and technique, get yourself a copy of 'Save our sleep' - it saved us! I have no idea how I would cope with a toddler that still needs to be settled.

[OceanPrincess]

Respectfully, maybe steer clear of Save Our Sleep for now. Tasha, you are already having issues with breastfeeding and supply and the feeding methods advocated in Save Our Sleep could be detrimental to your feeding efforts.

I agree with meow that after two hours she is probably ready for another feed. Could you try that instead?

[Arimeh]

I'm just popping back in to add something.

My first baby I let cry to sleep because I didn't know there was another way, I wasn't a member of BB back then so I had nobody to ask questions of and get another point of view. So from about 8 weeks of age I would let him cry himself to sleep.

I believe that is the reason why he won't settle on his own now at 6.5 years. He is anxious, overly emotional and has no self confidence. From my readings on the subject, this is what can happen when you don't comfort your baby in the way that they need to be comforted. It happened to mine - doesn't happen to everyone's child, I know that, but its happened to mine. So its from my experience to not follow that way of settling, because it is a possibility of happening ITMS?

The 3 children I had afterwards I would feed to sleep (regardless of formula or breast feeding) and 2 of them fed every 2 hours, 1 fed every 3 hours. All of them had reflux so sucked at settling anyway. So I've been there on both sides. All I can go on is my own experience, and I tell my story because I don't want anyone else to suffer the guilt that I suffer every day because I made my son this way.

[Heaven]

I would definitely feed again after 2 hrs too. I would even before that. I sort of just used boob for everything. If they weren't settling, more boob, lol. You don't have to stick to any kind of 'schedule', one of the bonuses of breastfeeding.

Arimeh's advice is good about not spending too much time settling either. There is nothing more frustrating!! If she doesn't want to sleep, stop, and try again a bit later.

[Rouge]

Sleep training a baby that young is detrimental IMO. It's been proven to be bad for their little brains let alone feeding etc. Even Ferber has come out to say he was wrong. That babies shouldn't be self settled or made CIO at all.

I know how frustrating it is. But I would look more into reading cues. Also reflux and gas is the biggest cause of an unsettled baby. And leaving them to settle on their own is not really helping that at all. Try and remember this is all normal. Babies don't sleep like adults. They have more frequent needs than we do.

And the one thing I want to absolutely swear to you... You cannot spoil a baby. By cuddling them to sleep. Or settling them with you in a cot it is not going to spoil them or create some pattern that you can't undo. It just doesn't happen. Babies routines and needs change a billion times over the first year. And right now she needs comfort and reassurance. Not to be self settled. As at this age she is wired to think she is abandoned if left. It's like an inbuilt protective mechanism so that they don't get left because they are pretty helpless.

You are doing a great job! Keep talking! And keep at it. But just remember this is all normal. And you can do this!

[OceanPrincess]

Rouge's post reminded me, did you end up getting her checked for reflux?