5 yr old... too old to be called 'baby' WDYT?

[kelebek]

So my DS (now a 'big' kid as he is 5 and in kinder), in the last week or so has started telling me that he doesn't like it when I call him 'baby'. I have always called him 'baby', as in - baby put your shoes on, come here baby I want to talk to you, come on baby, it's time to go... it's always a term of endearment and I do say it a lot.

I recognise that he is getting older and isn't a 'baby' anymore and I even tell him he is a big kid. Whenever he says he isn't a baby I tell him he will "always be my baby". I grew up with my mum saying a similar thing and I am sure I had a grump now and then but came to accept she wasn't belittleing me but just expressing how much I mean to her.

The problem I had tonight is that DS's dad backed him up (I felt underminded but it's all in my imagination ) So DS said something about the picture of the baby I was looking at and we were talking about how big he was when he was a baby etc... and I said to DS that "it's time to get ready for bed baby - so say goodnight to dad" he complained and then DS's dad said that DS has asked me a few times to stop calling him 'baby'

So 2 questions I suppose.... I know I have to stop calling him baby but surely it is ok to remind DS that he will always be MY baby?

and.... do you think DS's dad should have waited until DS wasn't around and have a conversation about it instead of doing it in front of DS? (cause his dad calls him things that DS has also asked him not to say but I wasn't taking any responsibility and redirecting the blame - when I took it up with his dad when DS wasn't around)

Thanks in advance

[AliBaby]

you are right, they will always be our 'baby' no matter how old they are.

I think you are right that your DS's dad should have addressed it with you when DS wasn't around.

In answer to your other question, yep, definitely remind him that he will always be your baby in that you will always care for him, love him and do anything for him no matter how old he is. maybe just not in front of his friends

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Someone has respectfully asked you to not call them a name that they do not like to be called. Your argument is that it is a show of love. IMO, it is a greater show of love to accept that your child does not like the pet name you have for him and you do your best to stop using it. If your son feels so strongly about this he has brought this up with another adult to ask you to stop... you stop. And you acknowledge it shouldn't have gotten to that point: your DS's dad was right to bring it up in front of him, as it lets your son know that his dad will step up to people calling him names. Even names that are considered nice by the name-caller.

FWIW, Liebling doesn't like me calling him Liebling IRL. So guess what: I don't. It's sad. And some day he won't want me calling him My Precious (probs when he reads Lord of the Rings). That's OK too. Doesn't mean he won't always be my precious Liebling. Just that he doesn't like me using that as his name.

And eeek - I'm fine with always being my parents' child, but being their baby would creep me out and it is just wrong. IMO, of course.

[Chocaholic]

Your son has asked you to stop and you haven't. It is nice to remind him he is your baby but it makes him uncomfortable. I think you need to listen to him and stop.

As for your DH, he was simply supporting your son after DS has asked you to stop several times. I don't think he was undermining you, I think he was supporting his son.

Sorry if that is not what you want to hear. Both my boys have asked he to stop calling them baby so I asked what nickname they preferred. Both accepted honey or sweetie as an alternative so I use what they are comfortable with.

[Arcadia]

Just on the issue of bringing things up in front of children. DH and I have a rule to always back each other up in front of the kids and then discuss later. We always provide a united front because I think it's important the children know we are a team. I'm not sure if you and DS's dad have that kind if arrangement but I think you could request it. IMO it is undermining to be questioned in front of the child. It sets an example that the parents authority can be argued with, and that is something I disagree. Discussion is ok but that isn't what it was.

As for calling him baby. I tend to agree that he has asked you to discontinue so if it were me I would try very hard to stop and explain it might take a while because its a habit but you are trying.

Of course you can still tell him 'you'll always be my baby' but that is different to baby as a pet name.

[aussienic]

My dd who is 5 doesn't like me to call her baby but I'm allowed to call her my baby girl. Yeh I don't get it either

5 year old are funny little things. Maybe sit down with him and ask him if there is another cute name you can call him. For example my almost 8 year old I call my baby boy but he prefers boo 1 and that's his choice

[Doing my best]

I totally get that you feel he is still your baby, but I also feel that by not listening when he has asked you to stop is not showing him that it is ok to ask for actions he doesn't like to stop and being respected for the decision.

As for your DP not backing you up, I must admit (whether rightly or wrongly) have pulled DH up in a similar instance. We are teaching our kids (5 and 3) that it is ok for you ask someone to stop doing something you don't like, whether it be tickling, saying what we are being affectionate names, etc, but if they don't like it, they are allowed to ask us to stop and we must stop.

Maybe my motives are different but I want my children to understand from a young age, it is ok for them to ask for anything they don't like to be stopped, and that it is ok to tell someone else if they aren't being listened to.. So unless there is a dangerous consequence that could happen if we listen to our children's request, then we will stop it.. No matter how hard it is for us. And if need be, I will pull my DH up on it again, as I would expect him to.. Most over things, we have a united front though.

[LimeSlice]

Like you said, you know you have to stop calling him baby. As for reminding him he will always be *your* baby, perhaps it is also time to recognise that he may not need to be reminded. He knows who you are, and he knows you will always be there for him. Perhaps it is now time to put more emphasis on building him up, in encouraging and nurturing this new-found desire for independent identity. Is it possible you could recognise that your DS is not you baby any longer, but rather your boy; your young man.

We all know he will always be your baby! They all will. but maybe he doesn't need to hear that now.

[peanutter]

DS1 has corrected me since he was about 2, that he is *not* a baby, my baby, or even a little boy. He's a *big* boy (except for when he's a dinosaur, which is reasonably frequent at the moment...).

DS1 just doesn't like it, and he seems to see it as me not acknowledging him growing up and being good at things, being able to do things by himself, etc.

So I've had to stop ... I know he's my baby, and he will continue to be so until long after he has babies of his own - but he doesn't like it, so I've stopped doing it.

[AndiE]

I call my boys "chicken" as a term of endearment. They are fine with it - they don't bat an eyelid - but sometimes their friends hear me and go "chicken?" ... and you can hear their silent "what the????" at their end of their sentence lol. I totally understand that he's your baby, but I guess if he's asking you to stop because he doesn't like it, then maybe it's time to come up with an alternative endearment. Could you try babe if you're comfortable with that term, and just see how he responds? Just a thought. Hugs hun ... he will always be your baby in your heart xx

[~clover~]

Not one of my kids has asked I stop calling them a pet name. Including baby. DS wants to be a baby :/ he gets upset & cries when he sees photos of himself as a baby.

dd3 is just starting to make decisions on being a 'big girl'. Fully tt & speaks so clearly, but only just starting to say 'no, I big girl' (no bottle at a sleep over!!!)

[Cass72]

DS1 had an "affectionate name" that was bestowed on him by someone in the family. I think he would have been about the same age as your little boy when he too said that he didn't like being called that. To him it was belittling and demeaning. I was taken aback because I hadn't thought about it at all in that manner but respected his wishes. When someone else would use the name I respectfully told them that we don't use that name.

Funnily enough, when my name gets shortened DH hates it. But there are some people (aunts, uncles and some cousins) who still insist on using it. When they use it, it no longer bothers me. If other people use it I get really mad. Either way, DH hates it.

FWIW, if one of our children had pointed out to me that they didn't like something I was doing (ie, calling them something they didn't like) and I continued to do it, my DH would call me on it too. Right or wrong, that's just how it is.

[glenny_c]

I get you being upset with your DH but I have to agree with TFB that he did the right thing by backing his son up in this case.
The fact that you ignored your son's request and he felt like he needed his dad to step in and back him up with you meant that his dad did absolutely the right thing in hearing his son's wishes and defending him against a name he didn't like.
I think there's a big difference in parents not undermining each other with regards to discipline/rules etc and one parent defending the kids from the other parent. In this case, one of the parents was doing something the kid didn't like, the child had asked for it to stop and that request had been ignored. Absolutely it is the other parents job to step in and back the child up.

Why do you feel the need to constantly remind the child that he is your baby? Why do you take it so personally that he doesn't want you to call him that anymore? Maybe I've missed something but it seems like you are making a bigger deal out of this that is needed.

[kelebek]

Thank you for all of your replies, I don't have many people IRL to ask so it is nice to get others perspective

If your son feels so strongly about this he has brought this up with another adult to ask you to stop... you stop.

Just to clarify, my DS didn't approach his Dad to ask me to stop calling him baby, DS and I were in a conversation about it, when his dad (his tone was full of sarcasm and condencenion and IMO interrupted our conversation on what I am to call him) pointed out that DS has asked me several times to stop calling him baby.

I do take your (and other's point) that he has asked to stop being called this and I know I need to come up with something more appropriate.

We are suppose to have a "same team" moto but it just doesn't feel like it is happening at the moment. I suppose what also frustrates me is hearing DS tell his dad to stop (calling DS boofhead, tickling or whatever) and have his dad continue and when I bring it up with him (while DS isn't around) he dismisses me.

We all know he will always be your baby! They all will. but maybe he doesn't need to hear that now.

Thankyou, I really needed to see it from his perspective and I think this sums it up nicely

Argh... I guess I am just a little frustrated, if I said it in a belittling way then I would have an easier time understanding it. I think I need to look at this as an opportunity for DS to establish his boundaries and help be apart of that.

lol Clover - sounds like your baby will not enjoy being the youngest

[black_rose]

It's hard, dd1 recent asked the same thing not to be called baby girl so we talked about it and I explained she will always be my baby but won't say it more. It's about respect and letting them express themselves. Dd2 is called bug, her choice it is what she answers too more often than not.

I think you need to talk to your ds's dad about it and explain that calling him boofhead as it is upsetting him too.

[kelebek]

thanks Glenny, you replied as I was lol

This has only become an issue over the last week or so. I have always called him 'baby', I suppose where someone would call the LO's a pet name, mine for DS is/was 'baby'.

I absolutely agree that it is a parent's job to defend the child and back the child up, however I feel this situation has been misunderstood. DS didn't approach his dad to get him to stop calling him 'baby'. We were in a general conversation, and then I gave him instructions to get into bed where I included his pet name. DS told me his isn't a baby and to not call him baby. I replied with my usual response of "you will always be my baby" which he often accepts and will say something like OK (yes in an exasperated way but it seemed to be accepting way) this is the point that his Dad came into the conversation.

The point I am trying to make to DS when I say to him that "you will always be my baby" is that (and I explain this as well) I know he isn't a baby, I know he is a big boy and growing up but he will always be my baby. I suppose it is something that I grew up with my mum telling me, she said it to me just the other day. I know she knows I am a grown woman with a child of my own. To her I will always be that precious little bundle she held when I was a little baby. HTMS

:shrug: I don't know, maybe I have it wrong, just my perspective

[peanutter]

It can be a tough transition ... but you're doing a good job.

FWIW I was a very independent child (on my first day of kindergarten, and again on my first day of school, I told my mother she could go now, because I was going to do some work ... nothing has changed!!) but we had the relationship, based on her respecting me and my boundaries that I still got her to do my hair for me before school until I was maybe 10, and on occasions on a rough day, I'd climb up ontop of her, on her reclining chair, for a hug, until I'd finished high school ... it wasn't often, it wasn't a big deal, but I knew that I was still her baby in that way, and sometimes I needed my mummy!

He will always be your baby. there's nothing wrong with that. It's just respecting his boundaries and his wishes as he learns -in a safe place, from you- where and when he gets to make his boundaries, draw his lines, and assert himself.

You're doing a good job.

[Cass72]

I'd be peeved too if he (DH) said it in a real sarcastic and condesending way too. Hope you didn't think I was being critical of you as well. It's weird when you're little man starts to assert himself and lets you know that he's not your "baby" but a big boy. They grow up way to quickly.