Keeping secrets

[peanutter]

I was recently asked by a friend if she could tell me a secret in absolute confidence.

I said to her something along the lines of, "Well you know I don't keep secrets from DH, but otherwise yes, I can keep a secret."

She was quite put out, and said I couldn't tell anyone, not a soul.

I reiterated that I don't keep secrets from DH, and while I don't tell him every thing that comes across my grey matter platter, if she wanted to be certain it went no further than me, I could not promise that.

She was really, really put out, but proceeded to tell me nonetheless.

It was exactly the sort of thing that I would want to discuss in confidence with my DH, and is exactly the sort of scenario that I'd put the caveat on for (it was either that her hairdryer broke or that she'd had an affair, but I'm not telling you which). I'd been concerned about that darned hairdryer for about a year, and had spoken to and warned her about it numerous times. And we've been close friends with her husband (straightener) for many years, and I have known the other dude (crimper) for some time, too.

After some weeks she "reminded me" of my "promise" and I again told her outright that I'd said then, and I was saying now that I do not keep secrets from my DH.

Her response was along the lines of, "Yeah, yeah, but if [her DH - let's call him Bob] Bob asks, you have to cover for me."

I told her that I wasn't going to pick up the phone and tell him about it - but if he asked me a direct question, I would not lie.

She was pretty wizzled off with me. I clarified, "If he asks me if you had an affair, I will tell him he shouldn't be asking me questions like that. I'm not going to say yes, I'm not going to say no, I'm not going to say something loaded like, "you should talk to your wife about that" with my gaze averted - but I'm not going to lie."

And I said my (borrowed) standard catch cry, which I've said to colleagues clients and friends alike, "I will not lie to you and I will not lie for you."

She wasn't happy. Not at all. But there wasn't much she could do about it either.

But I don't keep secrets from my husband!! Do I tell him every time I go to the bathroom, or scratch my nose, or have a coffee? No. But do I by and large share the large medium and small with him? Yes.

Is that odd?

If you had been asked that question, how would you respond?

Would you have responded with a simple "yes", with the assumption that everyone with neurons will know you don't keep secrets from your significant other?

Or is that just something that I grew up with (and have adopted into my marriage) which isn't a standard feature?

Genuinely interested.

[Heaven]

I'm with you! I don't keep secrets from DH. Sure, if it's some kind of personal women's issue or something I'm not going to tell DH about it and he's not going to want to know anyway, LOL. But otherwise, yeah, I discuss things with my DH that are on my mind. Friend having an affair would be one of those things!! I don't think she has a right to be angry about it, you clearly told her before she divulged to you and she went ahead and told anyway.

[Emma09]

I would have responded in much the same way.

I definitely would share something like that with my husband.
I often use him as my sounding board for various topics.

[OceanPrincess]

It's a standard feature for me. I say the exact same thing to my friends. My sister once asked me not to tell DH something and I said no.

Asking you to keep something from your partner is unfair, IMHO. Unless it is their surprise birthday or something But hair dryers? Definitely not.

[PumpkinZulu]

Firstly, get out of my brain, because I was pondering posting something along the same lines earlier today. Seriously, out!

Secondly, I would have reacted the exact same as you. I don't keep things from my DH, and something like that would be something I'd need to talk about to him. I don't think you're in the wrong.

[CoNNiE_Melb]

I'm exactly like you... I have told friends in the past that I tell DH everything (meaning I don't keep secrets from him), so anything they tell me has that caveat.
My close friends know this and one even said to me once, 'I know you'll tell DH, but just make sure he doesn't say anything to anyone else' - when it was about her DP who shares lots of mutu friends with my DH.

This may not be what everyone is like, and that's ok by me, but it's how I choose to be in my relationship and so if someone doesn't want my DH to know something, they shouldn't tell me.

My MIL even once tried to tell me something and said 'but don't tell DH'... I stopped her right there and said I can't do that.

I think the potential for her DH to ask you questions throws a spanner in the works though. She's put you in a very difficult position. But why would he come out and ask that? Is he suspicious or is she just super paranoid?

[TickToc]

There is not a lot that I keep from DP, he is someone I trust completely & I often like to hear his perspective as I can be black & white at times.l
I have had a friend play around on her partner before & use me as an excuse for not going home, her partner rang me at 2am knowing that we were meant to have been out together for my birthday. I didn't dump her in it but I refused to lie to him & I answered his questions with the facts - I told him she wasn't at my house, I had seen her earlier in the night & I wasn't sure where she was.

Your friend has no right to be miffed at you, she's the one being deceitful.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I probably wouldn't even put the caveat on there unless they kept pushing about not telling anyone​ - I would assume they'd realise that Professor's gonna be told!

[Tinks]

You handled the situation perfectly. I have kept one secret from DH and regret it to this day. Nothing to do with hairdryers or straighteners though lol.

[myturn]

I guess because of my job, I always respond to that question with, I can keep a secret as long as it doesn't hurt you or someone else.... Nothing in life is completely confidential and nor should it be! There are some secrets that are just too big to keep a secret, and this is one of them. I don't know if I would tell her I don't keep secrets from DH, I've never been in that position... But I never promise to keep secrets before I know what it is, that's dangerous as you can then end up betraying someone if you need to tell someone or do something to protect someone.

As you have, I would definitely have told her that I would not lie if asked directly, but (depending on how close she was to me) I might be prepared to keep my mouth shut, and I would probably advise her to end one of the relationships... I would never judge, as no one knows what is happening in someone else's relationship, but I would be clear that in my opinion she needs to do something differently, as the current situation is not sustainable.

[little_O]

Yeah my DH isn't "anyone" either. I guess I take the two as one flesh thing literally

I can't believe she expects you to cover for her...

[wysiwyg]

In general I wouldn't keep secrets from DH, but in some instances I might for example if was something he didn't really need to know and could put him in an awkward situation. I can't really think of an example so I suppose really what I am saying is I don't have any blanket rules and would judge each individual situation as it arises.

I suppose if the situation was reversed and DH knew a friend of his was having an affair, I am not sure I would want to know, especially if we were in a situation where we met up with his friend and his friends wife - I would rather not know as really the only thing it would do is make me feel awkward. It don't think it would bother me if I found out and knew DH hadn't told me.

So I suppose I don't really think that is a standard feature that the default position is to share the secret, but I also don't think people can reasonably expect others not to share with their significant other if they want to.

[TeniBear]

Well, after reading everyone else's responses, I don't feel so bad about telling DH quite a lot of stuff I've been sworn to secrecy about... I do hear "don't tell anyone" as "don't tell anyone at all including DH" but I have a tendency to slip up and tell him anyway

EDIT: Damn, I took so long trying to get my exact thoughts across, wysiwyg got in before me and said it a thousand times better

[Trillian]

I do keep professional secrets from DH without question. I'm a teacher and there is a LOT of stuff that I deal with that is uber confidential and I don't breathe a word of it to him - as much as i would like someone to debrief with that isn't another teacher I just can't. Sometimes I can speak about some things in a really general nature. And the same goes for anything of a personal nature. If it doesn't directly affect him, me, our marriage or our family then I keep my mouth shut. I can't violate that person's trust by telling another person just because I am married to them.

I honestly think it's really important not to tell, because though we say we can trust our DH's NOT to say anything to anyone else, can we really trust that? Can we really trust that they would not slip up, thinking that it wasn't that big a deal and let the secret slip? Plus, the more people that know about crappy situations like this, the more hurt is causes people, kwim? It may as well not be a secret anymore.

[peanutter]

Point taken, n2l. Edited. Thanks.

Wysiwyg - absolutely. And that's the thing - there are secrets which don't impact DH, that there's no need for him to know, it's not eating at me etc, and so keeping the secret isn't causing problems ... consider every case I have at work, for instance Or when girlfriends are wanting to discuss physical things, baby things, vagina things, or when any friend is wanting to talk about stuff to do with their life, work, family, friends, etc. The scope of things which I take to be "confidential" which there's really no cause for me to discuss them with my DH is broad.

So more broadly (and not directed to you, my dear!) I don't see that as "keeping secrets" from him, any more than I would consider it to be keeping a secret from him by not telling him what I had for lunch. But things that do impact him, people he cares about, etc, I see that quite differently. Things which keep me awake at night, upset me, hurt me, fill me with joy - that's different.

I want to be free to share my joys and sorrows, my pleasures and my anxieties with my husband. Whether it is what I ate for lunch, or a good report I got from a case, or something funny that happened on the train, or something hurtful someone said to me - or a drastic thing going on in a friend's life.

I don't accept someone else dictating what I can and can't discuss with my husband. If they want to set those parameters, then I'm going to set a wider one: don't tell me.

[Trillian]

FWIW, I can understand the predicament you're in with this, especially when it involves friends. And i think it's fair enough that you'd rather not know at all if you can't tell your DH. I guess I see it as a situation that can quickly become the worst kept secret, kwim? It's not a secret if too many people know about it and regardless of friend circles, sometimes it's best to just not know at all. Because when 'Bob' finds out the truth and then finds out that all these people knew about it, he's going to be ****ed off, and rightly so.

[peanutter]

Oooh. Good comments, Trillian.

I'm going to ponder them, and respond in bits.

The responses are general though - not just about you

I do keep professional secrets from DH without question. I'm a teacher and there is a LOT of stuff that I deal with that is uber confidential and I don't breathe a word of it to him - as much as i would like someone to debrief with that isn't another teacher I just can't.

I completely get this. Same in my job - and considering it's so easy to google, I can't even necessarily say "let's just say there's this diamond mine" because all that anyone who knows what I do needs to do is google a few words, and they could probably figure out who I'm talking about. Luckily though, I find it fine to talk through stuff with colleagues - so I'm able to process and debrief without needing to talk to anyone outside of the cone of silence. I know my colleagues well enough to be able to pick a couple of people to give me different sides of the coin - but I would imagine it's quite different in the education sphere than in mine.

And the same goes for anything of a personal nature. If it doesn't directly affect him, me, our marriage or our family then I keep my mouth shut. I can't violate that person's trust by telling another person just because I am married to them.

I was typing my last post when this one came up

I think we're at different points of the same continuum on this one - until your next point

I honestly think it's really important not to tell, because though we say we can trust our DH's NOT to say anything to anyone else, can we really trust that? Can we really trust that they would not slip up, thinking that it wasn't that big a deal and let the secret slip?

That's a really important question.

And maybe it's a little different for everyone, depending on their relationship. But I think I disagree with you here.

My DH and I have been together since the tail end of high school (and living together for 13.5 years now) so we've been together through the gossip of high school and uni, through jobs and marriages and betrayals and deaths and bed hopping and babies and all sorts. Our relationship (like yours, I assume) is built on trust.

If my DH betrayed my confidence, or let something slip, I'd be very hurt, and very surprised. It's not in his nature.

Not comparing him to anyone else, it's just not him. If he told someone, it wouldn't be inadvertent.

I don't think this is a question of trustworthiness - I know people who I would trust with my life, with minding my children, with my money and my last wishes - but not my secrets (or those of other people). If I told one of them a secret of another person, and then they passed it further, I think I'd have no one to blame but myself - I should have known better. If my DH was like that, I guess it would fall under that category, and I guess my relationship would not have been premised on the presumption that he and I 100% all the time kept each others' confidences.

Perhaps if he was different, I would have a different expectation on him, and therefore a different stance on the subject. But yes, if I told him, I would expect him not to slip up. And to my knowledge, I've never been disappointed.

I do however have friends, dear friends, who I could not and would not hold to that standard. Because it's not in their nature. They're not gossipy or stupid or mean or cavalier about my trust - they're just different. So much so that some of them do not know what went wrong with DS1's birth, because I would have no peace that they wouldn't inadvertently mention it to someone else.

But this question was just about significant others - if I am asked to keep a secret, that absolutely doesn't mean me plus my inner sanctum The caveat doesn't go that far.

Plus, the more people that know about crappy situations like this, the more hurt is causes people, kwim? It may as well not be a secret anymore.

I accept that, but equally, my view is that once something is out, it's out. You cannot tell "just one person" or post it in Platinum (or even 5000+) and happily assume it will go no further. You can hope, you can be angry if it does, but once something is out, it's out. How many people have told just one person? How many intimate, intimate things are in newspapers and magazines every day which only two people should ever have known about?

How many times have we all been told, "you can't tell anyone, but..." only to later hear it from six other people? And so much more so, after a break up, or a friendship malfunction or family dispute. Let alone in a divorce

This in no way justifies others breaching trust. But in my opinion, to a degree, a secret isn't a secret once the first person has been told.

FWIW, I can understand the predicament you're in with this, especially when it involves friends. And i think it's fair enough that you'd rather not know at all if you can't tell your DH. I guess I see it as a situation that can quickly become the worst kept secret, kwim? It's not a secret if too many people know about it and regardless of friend circles, sometimes it's best to just not know at all. Because when 'Bob' finds out the truth and then finds out that all these people knew about it, he's going to be ****ed off, and rightly so.

YES. This. I can't imagine the pain of finding out (which no doubt he will sooner or later, due to crimper's nature) but to find out you were the last to know. That would be awful.

[Trillian]

I get what you're saying about trusting him. For the most part, I know if it were DH and I in your shoes with this situation it would be different. If I told him something that someone told me in absolute confidence, HE would lose trust in me. He's a very honest person and one thing he doesn't like it people who can't keep a confidence, so I know he wouldn't have an expectation that because of the trust we have in our marriage, that I would share other people's secrets with him. he wouldn't respect me as much if I couldn't honour a secret kwim? This has turned into a really interesting discussion

And I don't know how much different education would be from your line of work when it comes to finding trustworthy people to talk to, but right now I feel like a sponge absorbing stuff from everyone LMAO! Especially at this time of year when everyone is trying to keep their job for next year. I keep my cards close to my chest that's for sure!