Newborn sleep patterns? Advice needed and not coping vent.

[Em_325]

This is a two part question of how to help DS and how to help myself mentally.....

I'm worried about DS and his sleep. He is 18 days old and basically has about 8 hours of solid sleep broken up over a 24hr period and the rest of the time he will have short restless sleeps where he wakes himself up crying and squirming every 20 minutes and I can tell its not a deep sleep. It doesn't matter if we are holding him or not (when he is in this period it's almost impossible to put him down) the pattern is still the same. Even when he is awake he will be happy in our arms for 20 minute periods then start crying and squirming etc until we calm him again, then he might fall asleep for 20 minutes then the crying and squirming starts again. Im looking for a miracle cure to help him feel settled and i cant find one- the child health nurse thought he might have reflux so the Dr prescribed him zantac, his bassinet mattress is raised on an angle, ive taken him to a chiropractor, he will only sleep on his tummy so we gave in and let him, we switched to a goats milk formula. What else can i do? id even be happy if he would go in the swing etc for some happy awake time but he wont he just cries. I'm not coping too well with the transition to motherhood and I really can't deal with the sleep deprivation. I can't sleep when he does during the day as when he is in a deep sleep is the only time we can go out or get stuff done without him crying the whole time and then by late afternoon when he is unsettled I'm too anxious to sleep whilst DH watches him (just tried before and can't go longer than half an hr) and I really begin to dread the night ahead knowing that ill spend 2hrs+ trying to settle him for an hour or two sleep before it all starts again. The stupid thing is I know this prob isn't even that bad and people do far worse so why can't I cope? How can I accept the fact that I'm not going to get alot of sleep and stop fighting against it because right now I think I have made a huge mistake in having a baby and I hate myself for feeling this way. I thought i could cope with minimal sleep but i really cant cope with only getting an hour or two in a row every few hours. Everyone keeps saying hang in there until 12 weeks when it gets better but right now that just seems like so far away. I can't trust my instincts with him as I have such bad anxiety and I stress over is anything wrong or is this normal baby behaviour. How can I help myself accept this new reality?

[chody47]

Sleep deprivation is hard. Unfortunately I don't have a miracle cure but I can tell you that both my DDs slept best when in sleeping bags that kept them in. We used wrap me ups (I think they're now called love to dream). I found that when I was wrapping only they would get their arms out and wake themselves up. They couldn't do that in the bags

As for how to cope, I think the first step is making yourself feel a little better. For me, everything always seems even worse than it is when I'm extremely tired (not saying what you're going through isn't bad, but it might be being made even worse due to the extreme tiredness). Since DS is taking formula, could you have someone watch DS for you one night? I would have this happen in a different house to you, so DS goes somewhere or you go somewhere else to try and reduce your anxiety and hearing him all night.

As for the long term, my first suggestion would be to stop trying to get things done during the day for the time-being. I know this is hard. I myself am one of those people who try to do everything with a new baby, but its truly not worth it. For now rest when he does. Even if you can't sleep, sit or maybe lie down. Recruit people to do things for you or, if you want to do things yourself, have them come during DS's cranky times and have them hold DS whilst you do stuff then, as you wouldn't be sleeping or resting then anyway.

Good luck! Please know this doesn't last forever, even if it does feel it at the time.

[Teeki]

Huge hugs Em. To be honest I'm not sure I can give any advice or help except to say it does get better - I know it feels like forever right now but the time really does go quickly.

I remember when DD's 'bedtime' was 11pm and she only went to sleep being carried and patted, then when she went to bed I had no idea how soon I'd be up with her again. During the day I obsessed about her sleep, especially if she'd had a bad night. I was taking note of when she slept and how long for, always convinced it wasn't enough. I remember when she wanted only to sleep on me I'dbe so annoyed, I could spend hours settling, putting her down, having her wake and restarting the whole thing. I was so annoyed sitting there thinking I should be cleaning or doing something.

I guess I just want to say you're not alone. Your DS is still very new and is adjusting to the world. Even drinking and digesting the formula is a new sensation for him, as is gas and everything else. He hasn't found his own little rhythm yet.

It's easy to sit here on the other side of it and say hey, I remember that. It's a distant memory, the good times were more than the "bad" and the "bad" really doesn't seem bad at all anymore. It does get better and it keeps on getting better and better. But I know it's tough when you're in the middle of it wondering how you'll get through it and feeling like you've made a mistake because your life will be like this forever. I guess all I can say is try to let go of any expectations you may have. Take every moment as it comes and if it's a tough one you get through, if it's a good one enjoy it. Try to let go a bit and relax if you can, he can pick up on your stress. You've been seeing someone about your anxiety haven't you? Keep talking, get it all out, and accept every bit of help offered,ask for it if it's not.

Big hugs Em, hang in there

[onthefly]

Em, are you in touch with your child health nurse or a GP who you feel comfortable with? Please go and have a chat with them about how you're feeling.
Yes, sometimes babies are like this, and yes it does get better, but it sounds like you could really do with some extra help right now. There's no need to feel like you "should" cope better, everybody needs help when they have a baby. What help and when differs, but everyone needs it.

[Em_325]

I tried the love to dream swaddles and he didnt like them but maybe it's time to try them again? At the moment he sleeps Un swaddled as he his on his tummy but I would much prefer he slept on his back. I have had people come and stay here and do the night feeds. I've actually had 2 full nights sleep this week which is why I feel so bad about not coping with the nights of broken sleep as I know I'm terribly lucky to have all the support that I do.

Teeki- the obsession over sleep sounds exactly like me. I'm keeping a diary of his sleep times and I spend all day thinking about whether he will sleep at night or not. We even brought that save our sleep book today thinking a routine might help but it's stressing me out more as it doesn't feel right to do it with a small baby so now were debating if we should try it or not and I really don't know what to do.

I am seeing a psychologist and my OB is aware of how I am feeling. I really just want to be able to enjoy my baby and stop worrying so much but I really don't know how to help myself right now.

[little_O]

The child youth nurse I saw with dd suggested swaddling in a cot sheet. Because the sheet goes round multiple times they can't get their arms out. I found that was fantastic.

How has the Zantac gone? Improved at all? Have you tried infants friend? My dd was always calmer with infants friend.

My SIL had terrible sleepers and she have me the book Silent Nights. I didn't follow it per say but i did find some great pointers.

Just another thought, how was the birth? Was it traumatic, unusual? Maybe you both feel stressed from that?

[MrsFabuloso]

I'm sorry things are so tough for you. My children have all been terrible sleepers. And I didn't cope with the sleep deprivation or being a mum to a new born, well either. I don't have any magic advice, other than maybe you need to try to stop stressing so much, and trying to 'fix' him. To me, he sounds like a normal baby. Well for the way my children were as newby's anyway. It sounds like you're doing lots to help yourself and bub, and you're being proactive about finding new ways to cope and help him, which is great.

I got pretty obsessed with how much (or little!) sleep I got too, end have ended up with PND after each pregnancy, which I almost totally put down to being so sleep deprived it wasn't funny, and not having any help other than hubby (who is wonderful, but works full time!) It's really hard not to think about it all the time, when all it feels like you're doing is settling, feeding and putting baby to bed all day and night.

Maybe rather than focusing on bub sleeping, focus on other things you need/like. Maybe if you can, and if hubby will take bub, go out of the house without bub for an hour or so (since you can't sleep if you're near him!), maybe go for a walk or visit a friend/relative, so that you're relaxing and having some time without worrying about everything for a little bit. The constant stress and worry could be part of the whole problem for both of you.

And I am another who will tell you, things do get batter, and way easier to cope with. You kind of get used to functioning on less sleep, and baby will settle more as he gets bigger. Hang in there.

[JLeigh29]

Just wanted to add to your 'hug load'. You sound like you're doing a great job during a major life adjustment. I remember thinking how ill-prepared I was and questioning my decision to be a mum as well. There's no right or wrong way to feel and people all cope and feel differently. It's great you have a professional and private support network in place too.

Have you tried baby wearing? Maybe then you could do something while he's awake and squirmy - a walk, chop veges for dinner etc. As PP have said, forget the housework and what you think you should be doing. The support network you wrote of can do the urgent stuff while you catnap/rest. Are you eating properly? It's really easy to neglect yourself when you're so worried about everything else, but a healthy mummy makes a big difference to how you feel and cope. Let your DH look after him for a little - yes, it's hard to let go, but totally worth it to see them forge a strong relationship and for the break you get.

And yes, it does get better...baby settles, your body adjusts to short naps only, you find it easy to fall asleep at the drop of a hat etc

[Teeki]

Em if there's one piece of advice I can give it's please, don't read that book. Your DS hasn't and he won't subscribe to the routines. If he doesn't and you're taking notes of his sleep and it doesn't match what the book says it'll make you feel worse. I read a few gentle parenting books on sleep and if they had routines in there or suggestions about how much she should be sleeping it made me so much worse. Please stop taking notes and try not to get into the thinking of he *needs* three 2 hour naps during the day or whatever it is. Every kid sleeps differently.

It really is the one thing I've learnt since having DS. I have no idea how long he sleeps or when, I don't take note. I do know he only wanted to sleep on me this morning so I sat on the couch with him and read a book. If it had been DD I'dhave spent the entire time trying to get her in the basinette - today's way was much more restful and relaxing! He did go in the basinette a bit later, but I don't know how long he slept for, I just got on with things til he woke, then had him in the ergo while I finished making a cake. I am feeling so much better this time just by not paying attention to the sleep.

I don't remember how many posts I wrote asking for help with DD, but I wanted a solution. If someone could say "It's reflux" then I could fix her. But the advice offered by everyone is what works for their kids, not mine. She didn't have reflux or need a chiro, she was just normal! There was no fix but to ride it out. It honestly didn't take long.

[CinderToriella]

I was coming on to post . But teeki pretty much said it perfectly

[little_O]

I have to agree with Teeki. Newborns don't know a routine. They just know that they were warm and happy inside then they are out and trying to adjust!

I found learning about their sleeping cues helpful though. I felt a bit clueless when I first became a mum so learning the signs of a baby first being tired vs overtired etc helped.

Also as others have said, go easy on yourself. We might be physically made to be mums but there isn't a foolproof manual that goes with it. We all work our way through the best way possible. You can't fail this and you haven't made a bad decision. It all starts to click into place and before you know it you are on the other side.

[Arcadia]

Firstly your baby is doing just what he he needs to do. Its not the same as other babies, because he is his own person. This perspective will come with time when you meet him as a toddler, child, teenager, adult. You're doing perfectly by listening and responding to his cues.

Did you get anxiety before? I had bad anxiety after my first and stressing about sleep is the biggest trigger.

Can you let go of sleep? Accept he catnaps in twenty minute blocks at the moment, knowing this will change and he will one day have big toddler naps in the middle of the day and eventually grow out of naps all together? Get other people to do one or two nights a week to help you out. Get online shopping. Ask your friends to bring meals, get a good baby carrier so you can hang out the washing.

Most of all go easy on yourself. I need a good 'nourishing' routine with a newborn. A hot shower alone, a lit candle, a hot cup of herbal tea, an episode of a good show etc all help me feel nourished and less like a slave to a baby.

Plan around your wakeful baby, because changing his natural rhythms is not garunteed to help anything.

[onthefly]

I'm glad to hear you're getting help from your health proffesionals. Do they have a plan in place to help you through this?

[Em_325]

Thanks for the responses. It has helped me to realise that there is nothing wrong with DS the problem is with me. Teeki you summed it up perfectly by saying you wanted a solution that is where I was at. I did read that book but it is not for me and I won't be trying the routines out. I actually had a good night with DS last night. I stopped writing down his sleep times and rather than try and spend 2 hours settling him I just chucked him in bed with me and we co slept. He was still unsettled but we did get more sleep than usual and at 5 am when he was up for the day I woke DH up gave him the baby and went back to sleep for a couple of hours on my own which was great. I still don't want to co sleep but until he sorts out his nights from days I will do it if it means more sleep.

To answer other questions I did find the birth a little traumatic- it was an induction which ended with an epidural and vacuum extraction but it was being stuck on the bed with that horrible synto drip that I found traumatic. DS was quite upset when he came out and had a nasty bruise on his head. We are using infants friend as I find it really helps him with his wind. He does seem more settled on the Zantac so ill stick with it as I have been told it doesn't cause any harm. I have an ergo which DS loves so I do pop him in that and take him for a walk in the evening when he is unsettled. As long as I don't stop moving he sleeps in it. I do have an existing anxiety disorder which makes it hard because I don't know if its just bad anxiety or if something else is going on. My moods are very up and down at the moment. The plan at the moment is to wait and see if I settle down and ill continue seeing my psychologist in the meantime.

[Ladylove]

Oh Em I hear you. DD was exactly like that when she was tiny. Including not sleeping well with/on us. And I was about the same as you on the coping-not coping scale. This doesn't help you now but things will improve. It might take a while but they will.

As for now, with him not liking the love to swaddle, I wonder why? How does he have his arms/hands when asleep or sleepy when he isn't swaddled? Up or down lower, on his chest etc. Maybe he doesn't like to be swaddled arms up, which the LTS bag does. Ergo cocoons swaddle bubs with their arms closer to their chest.

Or it could be nothing at all to do with the swaddle but simply that he is taking longer than some babies (not most) to feel comfortable out of the womb, in this vast, open, un-cocooned environment.

One thing my mum taught me was when holding/feeding/settling a baby to sleep, once they dozed off in your arms or whatever stay that way for 20 mins before putting them to bed (that is, if you don't want to sleep with him/hold him the whole time). That's because an average sleep cycle is 20 mins give or take so if you are there as he stirs between cycles he is more likely to transition peacefully into the next cycle. That said, this does not work for everyone but it worked some of the time for DD and I which was far better than nothing.

Remember you are not alone in feeling like this. You are doing everything just fine, it is simply an overwhelming time for both mother and newborn, as you both learn to adapt to this new environment. I'm glad you are talking to others about this, I didn't and it was only far, far down the track that I realised I had pnd. A mild case but enough for it to negatively affect my wellbeing, perceptions and relationships.

[Teeki]

Remember you are not alone in feeling like this. You are doing everything just fine, it is simply an overwhelming time for both mother and newborn, as you both learn to adapt to this new environment.

Definitely this. You're not alone feeling this way, and you're doing a great job. I'm glad you've found a way to get more sleep, and as he gets older he'll probably do longer stretches in his cot.

In your last post you're sounding more confident and so much more relaxed, you're listening to yourself and DS and you're a fantastic Mum. I hope the psychologist helps too.

[Teeki]

Remember you are not alone in feeling like this. You are doing everything just fine, it is simply an overwhelming time for both mother and newborn, as you both learn to adapt to this new environment.

Definitely this. You're not alone feeling this way, and you're doing a great job. I'm glad you've found a way to get more sleep, and as he gets older he'll probably do longer stretches in his cot.

In your last post you're sounding more confident and so much more relaxed, you're listening to yourself and DS and you're a fantastic Mum. I hope the psychologist helps too.

[Marley&Me]

I really feel for you Em, I could have written your post 5 months ago when I had my dd. She is my first and I absolutely lost my mind. The sleep deprivation, the screaming, constant settling, resettling and anxiousness round the clock I became obsessed with sleep too, my sleep, her sleep, how long, clock watching argh! My dd problem I believe was mostly wind. Squirming a lot and just generally unsettled. I tried infants friend for the wind and when she was 4 weeks old i switched to infacol, it really started to help and gave her some relief. How does he burp after feeds? I would spend a lot of time just trying to get that burp up after feeds because I knew if I didn't get it, she wouldn't sleep. It may take up to 30-40 minutes just to get the burp up! Their tiny little tummy's are just trying to adjust. I also attended "sleep school" at a local hospital where you go in for the day and they teach you various settling techniques, wrapping styles etc, maybe ask your health nurse for some info. Have you tried the angel wrap? My dd sleep improved once I started using this wrapping method.
It is so so so tough at the start. And don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise! Hang in there