I dont know what to do or say to make him feel better after having yet another fight with his sister where she was been a pain in the bum taking his lego, which he decided to choke her for ( I was on the phone and I am sick with my 1st cold in 5 yrs ) I told them both to go to bed... When I went into his room he told me while crying that he HATES himself... I feel so bad for him.... I told him the only thing I could think of at the time which was.... Never never say you hate yourself you are a wonderful boy, who daddy and I love very very much.... Then we talked about all the good thing about himself he couldnt think of one thing... I told him what a great big brother he is and what a great help he is to me when Dad is away... I just feel helpless like I am a crap mum as my baby doesnt see what a great person he is... I feel bad as we have moved around so much he has had to change school 4 times already and he is only 8...I feel bad because his Dad has to work away so that I can stay home... Maybe I should get a job so that his Dad can have a " normal " job but then he wouldnt see either of us... i told his teacher today as I am at a loss at what to do the teacher said he will have a talk to him and see what he says to him....
Sorry for the ramble I just dont know what to do... I love my boy so much and hate to see him hurting... All I keep hearing in my head is all the times I have yelled at them... I am such a crap mum... I dont deserve my kids...
aw Tali, First thing I will say is 2 wrongs don't make a right. You know he is not a bad person & its sad he says he hates himeself. But saying you are a crap mother isn't going to fix things.
You are obvioulsy a very caring Mum who loves her kids dearly. You reached out for help which is proof right there you are no a crap mum. A crap mum would have ignored her dons cry for help. You reassured him, told him you love him & helped him see the positives about himself. You reached out to his teacher & asked for help. A crap mum wouldn't have bothered.
I don't really know what to say to help your DS feel happier about himself.I would take on board what his teacher has to say & even ask to see the school counsellor maybe?
You are not a bad person. Paris has a touch of this happening on and off as well. If I pull her up for one small little thing she thinks I'm saying to her "You are the worst daughter/sister ever" So when she gets like that I calm her down and talk her through it. And I think FJ may have tipped off on a bit of a freudian slip there. I know I'm bad for saying "I feel like the worst xyz." and whats not to say they don't pick up on this. Obviously you aren't a bad mother, just remember they have emotions just like us and they come and go as quickly as ours do. Just keep talking to him about stuff, and also don't let him use it as a way to get out of what happened iykwim. When Paris says this to me (the other day she blurted at me "DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY?! I AM SO AWFUL THAT YOU WANT TO MAKE ME CRY!" because I pulled her up on something ) I generally try and explain that what she thinks is not true. And I can understand she is feeling frustrated because she tries to do the right thing, but if I didn't tell her when I thought she was doing something she shouldn't that she would end up being not a very nice person indeed. And I explain its like when I do something that upsets her and she tells me and if she didn't tell me I'd keep doing it and it would make her really sad. So she gets it, its just an outburst of utter frustration usually when its something she does and can't seem to change. So then we work out a plan of attack on what to do next time she goes to do xyz, what she can do instead.
Tali, your poor little man, I feel so sad for him. Big to both of you. BUT - I think you have responded in a very positive way, and if I were in your shoes I'd keep going with the same approach. I'd try to notice all the good things that he does each day, even if they're little things it all adds up, and I'd also try to have some 1on 1 time with just him before he goes to bed to get him to come up with a good thing that he's done or has happened to him each day, so that he goes to sleep with a positive thought in his head. And when his Dad is home, try to get him to do the same, cos at 8, a boy's Dad is a really strong role model & hero.
Oh Tali just a quick suggestion as my two boys are going to need "sorting" soon (bickering over toys). My first thought when reading your post was that your son might be feeling like he can't identify with anyone ATM. What I mean is that boys of this age really start to depend heavily on male role models as they drift (in a healthy way) a bit from their mums. Perhaps you son is yearning for more attention from your DH... this is a tricky one hey with your DH's distant jobs? There is a good book that I am always recommending called "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddolph. Perhaps what your son really means is that he can't identify with anyone... he doesn't know himself because he has no other male model to help define himself against. Because his logic is immature (as it is with ALL 8yos) he is misinterpreting this feeling as "hate" where I think he probably means "confused". Just a guess. Anyhow, try to grab yourself a copy of the book... it might help to make a bit of sense out of the situation before it gets worse. And in the mean time don't despair the best thing you can do for your son is demonstrate that you can "handle" these big scary feelings. He can't control them and if you show him that they really are big and scary then he will get even more scared.... You don't have to know all the answers... just outwardly be calm and loving and assure him that you have heard him and that together everything will be able to be dealt with. This in itself will really calm him.
Thank Girls... I know I am not a bad mum its just hard to hear your baby so upset and feel like i have contributed by not telling him enough how good he has been... It so easy to slip into just yelling at them when they are fighting which seems to be all the time... But I know that I am always have a shorter fuse when BHL is away so that is something I have to work on....
oh I so know how you are feeling.. My 9 yr old has said this to me before.. I really don't think they understand 100% what they are saying.. My son has some self esteem issues and was seeing a guidance counsellor at school and has really come along in leaps and bounds since.. We changed the way we did things at home too.. just being very consistent with our discipline and remembering he was only 8 and not 18 and still needed to be treated as though he was a child.. kwim? I found that once we had the other kids we tended to let Ethan fend for himself a bit more..
He also had and still does have a kid that picks on him at school.. We have taken a different approach to dealing with this seeing as the school is doing Jack about it.. have you asked him how things are at school? Is he different on the weekends and school holidays? Ethan is brilliant then but during the school week we get tears and the I hate everything attitude.. (which has lessened heaps since seeing the counsellor)
Anyways great big It sucks and hurts when our kids hurt
I'm kinda going through the same thing with my oldest. She'll do something wrong - & usually SHE does start it - then when she gets into trouble she tells me how much she hates me, how much we hate her & how much she hates herself.
One night she actually said that she wanted to die. That was one of the hardest things to hear. It was said for attention only. She threw a tanty about staying over at my brothers place & was sent to bed when we got home. When she wasn't asleep 2 hours later & was still screaming & kicking the walls I turned off her light. I told her I'd heard enough & that it is time for bed as she had school the next day & it was nearly 11pm.
Thats when she yelled out 'I just want to die'.
I didn't know what to do. I sat in my room & cried for a bit, then went back in, told her again its time for bed, that I love her & goodnight.
I walked out & 10 minutes of yelling later & she was asleep.
I know how guilty you are feeling, but you did the right thing. DD is seeing a psycologist for that & alot of other reasons. All I can really do is just try to reassure her that I do love her & try not to react when she tells me or DD2 how much she hates us.
Thank you once again Its nice ( well not really as it means there are other upset kids out there but YKWIM ) to know we are not on our own...
Zayden is a loner he doesnt seem to have many friends but has plenty of kids who will say HI and Goodbye to him when I am there picking him up or taking him to school... He has been this way at every school he has been to has never asked for anyone to come over and has never been asked to go over to someone elses house ( not that he would go ) He has never been asked to a birthday party and has never asked to have one... I ask him who he plays with and he tell me he like to be on his own at the " wet lands " ( which is a new garden area at school ) in his last school he used to help the gardner every play time instead of playing with his peers but he tells me he is happy this way, so dont want him to think its not ok so just drop it... Have told him as long as he is happy, then it is ok to play on your own...
I might ask the school about a counsler funny though I know that we dont do anything wrong we dont beat our kids or anything just send them to there room alot but the thought of him talking to someone about us worries me... silly isnt it... Its not like anything he says would make them " Take him away from me " but its just the though of saying I need help with my child makes me feel like I failed him some how... I think that just steams from having him young I away felt like everyone was watching me waiting for me to stuff up....
The school is wanting to test him soon anyway as they think he might have a learning and behavior disability I know he has a learning even I can see that but not sure about the behaviour but I will go with whatever they say I think... so I guess he will be able to speck to a phycologist( sp?) then....
He does say he miss's Cairns but when I ask him why he miss's it he tells me because he miss's the warmth cant foult him there I miss the heat also it bloody cold down here... But I am hoping once we have money to do thing again ( we havent had any for 6 weeks and dont get paied for another 3 ) he will feel better as when he want to go and do something we wont have to say no we have no money like we do right now...
When BHL gets home I am hoping to get them to do some one on one things like bike riding together as like you have said he needs some Daddy time ...and they both love to ride....
Bath thanks for the recommadtion I might just have to get us that book, as I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to BOYS...
I to felt like that.. It feels weird knowing our kids are talking to someone else.. Ethan mainly talked about how to make him feel better and what things he could do/.
Just wanted to say I felt the same when Jaz started going to the psyc. That something would be said about past 'issues' & that they'd get taken away.
Before DD2 our relationship wasn't great & Jaz saw all of it.
Anyway. She's said a few things, but he knows that is all in the past & does not judge me at all. Never has.
Had a post all written out but the server dropped out, grrrr...
Anyway, following on from Bath (who has some awesome observations in her post!)I wanted to suggest Scouts or similar in your area - it will provide something to look forward to each week, as well as role models and friends
In 3 years' time he can join the CFA juniors, as well!!
Well on the walk back from school today we had another talk he told me that our talk last night made him feel better... so i told himthat anytime he feels down to just remember all the good things about himself and that if he cant think of any all he has to do is ask me why I love him and I will gladly tell him why I love him....
I am glad he is feeling a bit better this afternoon..
I tell you.. whoever wrote the book.. The first year of your babies life is the hardest must not have had kids.. I don't know about you or anyone else on here but I am finding it harder as they get older..
Very true Nic... give me a 1 year old aaaaanyday! My 13yo is 100 times more confounding!!!
Well done tali It sounds like things are getting back on track... until the next de-railment... I think we've all got many de-railments in store for the next 20 years or so!
Well the school phyc rang today and they are going to start testing about his learning and behavior disablitys this week so at least he will have a chance to tell them how he feels... Just worry he might tell them that he hates it here and wants to go back to Cairns... Not much we can do about that i guess...
Thank you all once again you really lifted my sprits yesterday, so as bath said until the next time one of our " Oldies" gives us some more grey hair....
Hi Tali,
I hope this doesn't sound insensitive but could he be learning this behaviour as a coping mechanism? The reason I ask is that in the original post where you say that he hates himself, you pretty much say the same kind of thing about yourself.
Is this something you say out loud about yourself when things go wrong? If it is, perhaps you could look inside yourself and think about why you say it (eg. do you really think that? does it get you attention you feel you don't get otherwise? do you easily blame yourself?). Perhaps if it is learnt then he is responding to the same triggers.
As I said, I am sorry if this seems out of line, because I don't know you or your son, but wanted to point this out as a possibility because it is obviously an important issue to sort out now for your son.
My Baby HATES himself ...
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) I generally try and explain that what she thinks is not true. And I can understand she is feeling frustrated because she tries to do the right thing, but if I didn't tell her when I thought she was doing something she shouldn't that she would end up being not a very nice person indeed. And I explain its like when I do something that upsets her and she tells me and if she didn't tell me I'd keep doing it and it would make her really sad. So she gets it, its just an outburst of utter frustration usually when its something she does and can't seem to change. So then we work out a plan of attack on what to do next time she goes to do xyz, what she can do instead.
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