Babies and Funerals

[Lolli]

Hi all,
I thought I'd put this out for opinions...
Dh's nan passed away on the weekend. The funeral is tomorrow. I don't really think babies should be at funerals... they don't understand what's going on, just that everyone is upset. If it's a sibling or a parent, obviously that's a different matter, but in general I don't think it's worth taking them.
But dh is adamant that ds should go. He says it will 'hold the family together' and give him 'strength'. Personally, I think that's a bit selfish. But dh is putting his foot down and if I try to put mine down on top I will probably lose (I usually do- his feet are bigger than mine) and it will cause a major argument.
So what's the general consensus- babies at funerals, or not?

[Madham]

It really is a personal choice. My nan passed away in January and both my sisters had baby's a 6 month old and a 3 month old who came to the funeral. Also my sil took her 8 month old and 18month old sons aswell. The church had a room for children and a few toys etc so my sil mum was on hand if any children needed to be taken out of the service. This worked well for my family as my mum also wanted the grandchildren to attend.

[Smoz]

im a definately not, if its the childs parent or direct sibling then thats different, but anything more distant even a nan i say NO. that is really selfish of your DH to use him like that. Babies can really sense peoples emotions and he will be able to feel that everyone is upset and will just spend the whole time crying and being restless and then all your attention will be on tring to soothe DS and therefore unable to support you DH. Try talking to dh again and explaining this. If dh is going to cry he's going to cry and the fact that ds is there or not isn't going to make a differance. Maybe you could go to the funeral and have someone bring him to the wake, cuz i can understand dh wanting him there as a distraction for people to focus their energy on but i wouldn't be taking him to the actual funeral as it will just put more stress on you and the family.

[Liz]

I already answered in our buddies thread. But yeah, I'm fine with babies at funerals. Neither of my kids picked up on the sadness when we went, and babies can be a great comfort to the grieving. I think if your DH feels he needs his whole family with him, it's only natural, and I don't see anything wrong with it.

I'm always mindful that if they're making noise I step outside. But other than that, I think it's fine to take them to funerals.

[Muppity]

I think that a little reminder that life goes on isn't a bad thing to have at such occasions.

Having a bub there may be a welcome distraction to people.

[squidipa]

I think that a little reminder that life goes on isn't a bad thing to have at such occasions.

Having a bub there may be a welcome distraction to people.

i agree the best thing is even tho ppl are upset babies seem to lighten the moment and bring happiness to such a sad time.

[Indadhanu]

I took DD to my granddads funeral, she was 1 week at the time. I didnt even think twice to be honest... I never thought I shouldn't take her.

I guess even for older babies like your DS I would take them, but then I am not one to encourage the hiding of emotions. And TBH if your DH wants your son to be there, if thats important to him, I would take him... It was important for me to have Jazz, to hold her, to remind me of life, and whats important, and to never take any second for granted. I wanted to be with my family at that time, and would have been very angry had someone suggested that I shouldnt be with ALL my family.

JMO anyway.

[Esme]

I already answered in our buddies thread. But yeah, I'm fine with babies at funerals. Neither of my kids picked up on the sadness when we went, and babies can be a great comfort to the grieving. I think if your DH feels he needs his whole family with him, it's only natural, and I don't see anything wrong with it.

I'm always mindful that if they're making noise I step outside. But other than that, I think it's fine to take them to funerals.

I understand where you are coming from but I also agree with Liz. We went to DP's uncles funeral yesterday and DP liked both of us to be there whereas I had my concerns. So we decided to make sure DS had his morning sleep (this made me and DS miss most of the requiem mass while DP went by himself), but we came out after and went to the cemetery and the wake together. I agree with Liz; DS wasn't affected by the sadness and he was a comfort to the grieving. HTH

[briggsy's girl]

When DH's brother passed away, my own brother's youngest was about 9 months old - my DH requested that our neice be there as it helped to embrace life as well as mourning the loss of his brother. there were other children there as they were very close to DH's brother, and for them, it was good to see us grieve, but also good to have the baby there to help see that life is still beautiful.

i have no issue unless you have a child that is unable to understand the concept at all - a baby is fine and if your DH feels he will manage better having his family near him, i agree it's a good thing to do

i guess you just need to remind him that if bub's plays up, you'll walk outside, which means not only will he not have the baby there, he'll not have you, and will he be ok with that

[Pretty Butterfly]

I went to a funeral when Kane was 11 months old, without him.
My sister took her DD, same age.

Her DD cried and carried on the whole time, and was passed around to a bunch of strangers to cheer them up.

My sister missed most of funeral looking after her. It was a long funeral, and was stressful for both of them.

So In my humble opinion, no, your DS's "job" isn't to be a comfort, and you cant be there for your DH if Ds is playing up, or your stressing about him being passed around like a rag doll. I wouldn't put my DS in that situation, just to please the mourners. I think it is selfish for anyone to suggest he should be put through all that, just to keep them a bit happier.


At 10 months old it will be very hard to keep him entertained. Little Bubbas dont understand, and big kids do. To me, your DS is in the age group where niether you or he will benefit.

Just my thoughts babe, good luck....

[AngelPunks]

When mum died, we had her funeral as a celebration of her life, we didn't want "mourning", children were encouraged to be there as they were a tangible example of the cycle of life and a reminder that the person who passed was living on in their offspring (ok none of the kids there were decendants of my mum). All the funerals I've been to (mainly family ones) have had the kids there, they are taken out if they get upset, last funeral I was at with a couple of little ones (under a year old), when they got upset I took them out and we ran around outside chasing butterflies, I had a few of the old biddies (friends of the deceased) come up and say it was wonderful to have the kids there.

But it is a personal choice.

[Liz]

Thought I'd just clarify that I don't agree with passing the baby around as a comfort to others. Just having the babies there though can be a comfort to people. At the funeral we went to, it put a smile on the mourners faces to greet DD and comment on her. They didn't take her for cuddles or anything.

I don't think attending a funeral is 'using' a baby or putting them through anything. It's a time for families & friends to be together, support each other, and babies can be a huge comfort to immediate family especially. They are part of the family and I don't see any harm in them being a part of a family event, be it happy or sad.

[Lolli]

So In my humble opinion, no, your DS's "job" isn't to be a comfort, and you cant be there for your DH if Ds is playing up, or your stressing about him being passed around like a rag doll. I wouldn't put my DS in that situation, just to please the mourners. I think it is selfish for anyone to suggest he should be put through all that, just to keep them a bit happier.

This is also what I'm worried about. Dh's family are a bit....odd. His sister is a bit hysterical at the best of times. I can see ds being used as a shoulder to cry on- I'm having images of my mil holding him and sobbing.

And ds is very difficult to keep entertained at the best of times.

But maybe I am being a bit cynical here.

Thanks everybody for your opinions (keep them coming!). It's interesting to read everyone's perspectives.

[Liz]

Lori - do you use a hugabub or anything? If you're wearing him, no-one can take him

Only you know how your DS could react to people. If you think he won't handle it, then you need to work around that. Perhaps you can attend the service as a family, but before people can rush over to take your DS, get out of there! So you can both be with your DH through the service, and then leave him to mingle with the rellies while you take DS home for his 'nap' hehe.

[Pretty Butterfly]

This is also what I'm worried about. Dh's family are a bit....odd. His sister is a bit hysterical at the best of times. I can see ds being used as a shoulder to cry on- I'm having images of my mil holding him and sobbing.

.

That is how Kane is treated sometimes, being the poor "cleft" kid....people wanna cuddle and touch him when they are upset... Thats why I didn't take him...

[Kazbah]

Lori - my thoughts with your family during this time. Never pleasant.

my FiL passed away in July, Pip would have been 15months old. I had Pip with me until the service began, then my Dad held him. It was the strangest thing - he was quiet, but occaisionally there'd be a gurgle from him. It did give my DH strength (as in I had to pull Pip away from him) to know that his son was there. And when the pastor spoke about my FiLs happiness at a grandson to carry the name (both first and surname) Pip gurgled. It did give people some happiness. And I think Pip knew .. for the very first time, ever, he waved and said "byebye" as the hearse drove to the crematoriam. For us, it worked. Pip's relatively good and we had no CC available, plus so many people had only seen him as a newborn so they wanted to see him.

At the wake after, when things got a bit weepy, Pip would do something silly and cheer people up.

Its your choice, I think the questions are:

* would your little one stay quiet-ish during the service
* would s/he go to the interment as well
* would anyone be able to help (one person ideally)

JMHO.

[Curly]

My DS went to his grandfather's funeral at 11 months old and everyone loved having him there. We got so many how comments on how lovely it was to hear him gurgling during the service and how it made them smile. A reminder of the circle of life, I suppose.

There was no way DH and his sister would have had it otherwise and because they don't have a big family (their Mum died when they were teenagers), I think DS being there really helped DH and his sister to cope.

Sure, people were sad, but there was no loud grieving for him to get confused over and he was really pretty oblivious to the sadness anyway. I was prepared to take DS outside or even take him home the moment he started complaining or acting up (DH agreed) but DS didn't. It was as if he knew he had to be good...lots of cheeky grins but otherwise very quiet.

I have also taken him to my stepfather's mother's funeral (I felt I should go to for my stepfather's sake) but I had my sister with me to help me quietly entertain DS if necessary and we sat up the back near the door just in case we had to leave quickly if DS created a disturbance...but once again, he behaved absolutely brilliantly and we had the same kind of comments about how nice it was to have a baby there and how it was a reminder of what life was really all about (and compliments on his behaviour!) Quite frankly it was as if people were glad to have something else to talk about.

[Lolli]

Lori - do you use a hugabub or anything? If you're wearing him, no-one can take him

That is a brilliant idea Liz, I'll pop him in the peanut shell.

Looks like he is going, I don't have much choice in the matter. But we will have to leave straight after the service, it starts at 10am which is ds' nap time, so he will be very cranky by the end of the things. I think I'll put him in the sling and take a seperate car to dh so he can hang about afterwards and me and ds can hightail it home for a nap. Then we'll join them all at the wake.

Thanks again everyone.