upset, angry but worried about my friend

[ladykelly83]

I'm new but i think this is the place to get help and support. I don't know what to do, so I'll tell you my story and I hope someone out there can help.

I found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant four weeks ago, and spent 2 weeks not believing it. Since I was told that because I had PCOS I wouldn't be able to concieve naturally. It wasn't until my 8 week scan and I heard the heart beat for the first time that it really sunk in. I finally told some of my work buddies, one of whom it my best friend and also pregnant, in fact our due dates were only days apart.
Last friday night I woke with sharp stabbing pains and bleeding, i got to the hospital as fast as i could but by then it was too late. I had lost my baby at 10wks2days. They called it a spontaneous abortion. The pain (physically and phychologically) is still quiet overwhelming.

I feel confused, angry and empty. Angry with myself because i denied the fact that I pregnant for so long. Angry with the world because its not fair to give something so precious and then take it away.

My biggest concern is how do I tell my best friend what has happened and that I still want to be a part of her experience, even though there will be times where I can't bare it? I know i should put myself first but my friends (in particular this friend) are my support network and I dont think i could do it with out them.

Sorry for being so long and I hope someone can offer me some advice.

[nelly]

HI hun I was in a similar situation with my pregnancy before Jake.... and I worked with my friend too. She was trying to avoid me bcos she didn't want to upset me w her growing bump and we both didn't know how to handle the situation. Finally we sat down had a chat and cry about it and I told her excatly what you said in your OP:

I feel confused, angry and empty. Angry with myself because i denied the fact that I pregnant for so long. Angry with the world because its not fair to give something so precious and then take it away. I still want to be a part of her experience, even though there will be times where I can't bare it

If she is a friend she will understand that you will struggle but you still want to be there for her, and as long as she understands why you may be a little distant a times, you will come out the other side stronger as friends and you won't miss out on sharing such a wonderful experience with your best friend.

[briggsy's girl]

ditto what nell said! one of my best friends got a BFP the same day i did (my birthday) and was due one day before i was. unfortunately i lost my bubba very early, and we went through a hard patch where she was trying to protect me and i was trying to tell her i was ok, and wanted to be a part of her pregnancy. so i was honest. i told her that it hurt like all hell to have lost our angel, and i was angry at the world, but that i was still her friend, and wanted to celebrate the life she was creating. i told her there would be days when i wouldn't cope, and she'd need to take her lead from me - but that she had to not pussy foot around me - i'd tell her when i wasn't coping (which i do). she is due mid January, and i know i'll be overjoyed for her when her little boy arrives, but my heart will be breaking at the same time. the first time i see her baby, it will tear me up because i should have a bubba too - but it will be something i will deal with...

[feeb]

sorry to hear about your loss.

I had a smililar thing in that my best friend was preg with her 2nd and i also became preg due 4 months after her. We were so excited to be sharing our preg but at 8 weeks I had a misscarriage. She was fantastic support for me even got her dh to take a day of work and look after her 1st child so she could come and spend a day with me and when she gave birth I was teary when visiting but the excitment and love for her baby made me forget my pain of loosing mine for a short time while.

fast forward 11 months and she tell me she is preg again and I burst into tears and hang up on her as i have been trying for 11 months to conceive. The next month I get my BFP and we get to share another preg together I was sooo scared but we bith ended up having our babies 6 days apart happy and healthy!!!!


What I am trying to say as it does hurt but you get past it when the excitment comes when there baby is born, i had said to her I may not cope with viisting her when in hospital I was there day 1 as i was excited!!

Take time to grieve.

xooxox

[LuluHB]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and understand what you're going through.

I had my third loss a week before my best friend gave birth to her first baby. She was so worried about how to tell me she was holding her beautiful baby girl when mine had been taken from me. It was a very hard situation for both of us but although I was so profoundly upset about my own baby, I was so happy for her and wanted to share in her daughter's life - I am now her godmother. Tables turned on us last year when my same girlfriend had been trying for a considerable period of time to conceive her second child, having had another loss herself and was now lfaced with the reality of IVF. I fell pregnant very quickly with my second daughter and was so worried about how my friend would deal with my pregnancy in light of her own significant problems. At the end of it all, we just needed each other too much to not be honest about our feelings. My friend supported me through what was a difficult pregnancy and she would regularly use me as a shoulder to cry on through her IVF journey. I'm relieved to say that she is now 7 months pregnant and we are both able to share in the joy of each other's babies.

I wish you and your friend the best of luck - your friend for her current baby and you for the journey ahead of you. I hope you have a swift road to your own beautiful baby, but in the meantime, give yourself time to grieve and don't be too hard on yourself if some days you look at your friend's growing belly and feel anger, resentment, jealous and everything else that is so natural to feel.

[ladykelly83]

thanks for your support ladies.

i still feel a bit confused and numb. but i'm off to work later this morning and i just don't know how i will go. I work quite close with my friend and i haven't told her yet. I'll have to do ASAP, so that she doesn't think the wrong thing.

again thankyou, and i'm praying that it gets easier.

[kristi14]

So sorry for your loss

I would just be honest with your friend and tell her you need her support right now. If she is a good friend she will be there for you.

Sending you lots of strength.

[jennyc]

I too had been pregnant, along with 4 other close friends. We were all due about the same time (May to June 08). I lost my son at 15 weeks (16-10-08), and it still hurts like hell. What's great about you, is that despite your ordeal, you still sincerely care about your friend.

Just be yourself. It will all be revealed anyway, and best to come from you. It will be more arkward for her that you. Just try to be honest about your feelings, and the anger and hurt will soon ease.

I pray for you and wish you all the best. Take time for yourself to heal and know that your emotions will be all over the place for a while...some days angry and resentful, some days "why me?", and others content and greatful for the good things in your life.....

love, Jenny

[ladykelly83]

just an update
I told my friend on wednesday, it took a few days to work out what to say but there isn't an easy way to tell someone that you lost the baby.
I explained that most of the time I did not really know how i was feeling but there was one thing that I knew for sure and that was that no matter what I still wanted to be there for her and that i still needed her friendship.

The past couple of days have been hard but fingers crossed we will get through it.
As for me, my emotions are all over the place, i feel a bit like a yoyo. I get angry with myself because when i look at my partner i feel i must be a disappointment, even though he has reassured me that it was not my fault.

One day at a time is all that i can do at the moment, i pray that it will get easier.

[Lozza]

I'm very sorry for your loss good luck for the future hope you are ok.You need your friend's support I had a similar problem but other way round. My friend and I were trying to fall pregnant at the same time, everytime we saw each other we'd ask so are you yet?? but she made it a bit of a competition which I keep saying it might not happen straight away. Anyway long story short I fell pregnant first worried to tell her when I did she said she was happy for me but was also not happy for me, which is sad but I could understand. I bought a car seat for the baby when I was about 11 weeks pregnant and she said she's superstitious and thinks it's bad luck to buy before your 3 months, I thought that's not very nice to say to someone pregnant just in case something ever happened. Anyway the jealousy was too much and we are no longer friends. I wanted to be there for my friend and give support but it must have been to much. I. can understand I've had my baby and just found out my old friend has to go through ivf and that's why she hadn't fallen pregnant. Everyone's different, thing's happen for a reason. Everyone has a different journey

[yummymummy]

my close friend since year 1 in school and i were pregnant at the same time due a few weeks apart. she lost her bubby at 36 weeks, 5 days from severe placenta abruption.this happened the week before my baby was born and i found out when my bubby was a week old through the grape vine. i was absolutely shattered, its so hard to be happy for your own baby when you know your friend can't have that same joy. you wonder why you were so lucky to have yours. as christmas is coming up it breaks my heart to know that she won't have this christmas with her baby (and its around the time she conceived too) and it constantly plays on my mind. i think the most healing thing for us to share together was she showed me photos of her baby after he was stillborn. we spent about an hour looking at 5 photos or so. we also spent a lot of time talking about the hard questions, sex after loss, the anniversaries (conceiving, one month after death, etc) and so on. i know that my existence and my baby too is a constant reminder of her precious son that she lost. i've had to accept that sometimes my friend wants to see me and my baby, sometimes she just wants to see me and sometimes i have to go weeks without hearing from her or that my emails or phone calls go unanswered.

as my bubby is a constant reminder of the bonnie babes ad that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage or stillbirth i pray for the women that lose their babies all the time, may you find comfort and peace xx wishing you all the best xx

[tempus moriendi]

I"m so sorry you had to go through that. Sending cyberhug.

please, please please don't beat yourself up because you didn't have the "right" emotions when you were pregnant. There are no right or wrong emotions, only actions.

I would suggest you just be honest with your friend and tell her you want to be there for her, but you're also dealing with your own grief. It might be awkward sometimes in the next months, but awkward is okay, better than not being honest.