Nobody wants to play with him -LOOONG

[Turkish Delight]

I have a problem which is eating me alive since yesterday arvo.

I gave DS $10 for the school Mother's Day stall on Wednesday night. Yesterday, when he came home i asked him if he bought anything for me?
DS- " I didn't know where the stall was"
Me - "O.K. Where is the money then?"
DS - "I spent it"

I went ballistic. I told him he was grounded. DH took him into our room and talked to him nicely about it. He finally confessed.

He wanted to play footy with the kids in his class during lunch. He took his Sherrin footy to school (the small Sherrin footy which kids size) but the kids were using the adult sized footy and he couldn't kick that big ball properly (he is 7 and not very athletic, solid build), so asked them if they'd play using his footy. A kid in his class grabbed it off him and kicked it into the grasslands of the school property. He couldn't get his footy because it was long grass and it was wet. So no footy atm. He then asked the kids if they'd let him play if he gave them some money. They agreed. He gave one of the kids his $10 and they allowed him to play.

I can't believe it. The day before we got his Sherrin footy, he did not sleep that night because he was so excited about owning a "real" footy and now its gone.

Some of you know that he is a gifted kid. He is 7 and in year 3, so his peers in his class are about 2 years older than him. He is often left out in the playground or in sports. The school playground is divided into sections to reduce bullying. Grades prep -2 play in one area, and grades 3-6 in another area, so he can't play with kids in the lower grades who are his own age.

I have approached the school and am waiting for a phone call. I am soooo over this. I can bite someone's head off at the school. I just want to wrap him up in cotton wool and not want to get hurt at school.

What do i do? How do i approach the school without yelling at them?

HEELLPPP

[boobaloo]

the poor little sweetheart, why do kids get so nasty?
i suppose you can't ask the school to let him have play time in with the younger kids, as that would create more of a divide between him and the kids in his class. have you thought of putting him into a montessori school? they do things at the kids level, whatever that may be, and it is based on the kids desire to learn, whilst teaching them in a 'real life' setting. maybe something you could look into?

other thn that i have no real advice, i feel it for your little man, and youself who's heart must be breaking. school life is tough, and unfortunately, sometimes you have to be tough to get through it, but it's not fair.

[Ryatha]

I don't know what to suggest but I just wanted to give you and DS

[Jahzara]

I know of a couple of gifted children. They are still in the Grade appropriate to their age but are taught at a level appropriate to them.

[Turkish Delight]

Thanks for the replies ladies.

I'd love to take him to a Montessori school but there are none near us. This school has a bus service which picks him up and brings him back as both DH and i work.

I will talk to the school about allowing him to mix with his own age group during lunch and recess in their area.

They did want to keep DS down in grade 2 last year just for social reasons but still give him year 3 work and we thought that the teacher wouldn't be able to do it properly. Teachers now days have enough on their plate as it is. Plus, at the end of last year, he got an academic excellence award which had grade 1 on it. He was most upset and so was i. When i approached the school, they told me that the teacher did not know which grade he was in Yes, he was in a composite 1/2 but you would know which child is in which grade level, so that broke our confidence in the school too, hence not allowing him to stay down but to move on into a straight year 3.

Children are sooo mean these days. We never had this back in our days

[~clover~]

We had troubles with DD in kindy. It was horrible.
It was a great school. Small with only 12 kids & like family. I do still miss the caring community aspect of the school, but anyway.
DD was the only one in kindy. There was one boy in year 1 & 2 girls in year 2. After a few days Jazz started saying that J (boy in yr1) was being mean, but I told her to ignore him.
Then I saw the girls in year 2 & how they were. If they were alone with her they were great, but once they were together they ran off & hid on her & tried to avoid her.
Then she came home with bruises all over her legs. I asked what happened, she said she didn't know. Then a few days later she said something about J throwing rocks at her. I realised that thats where the bruises came from & I was infuriated!
12 kids & noone saw that! How hard is it to watch 12 kids!?!?!
So I went up & talked to them, & they did fix the problem with J. He & Jazz are now great mates, but the 2 older girls were still the same.
After she finished kindy I decided the school was just too small for her. She was hanging out with 10 & 11 year olds.
Now that we are here she is so happy. The principle told us this morning just how much she's improved & how hard she's trying. She's really popular & just so happy.
We moved 8 hours away to the small town my mum lives in, but her being happy has made life all round so much easier.

I know changing schools is a bit drastic. Not something thats really possible.
This school fits Jazz's personality better. I'm so glad I did it.

I'm not sure if my post helps at all. I thought I had something really helpful to say, but my mind went walk abouts again when I changed nappies, lol.
Just know there are others going through the same. It can get better. I hope the school agrees to him playing with the younger kids.
Sorry my posts wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped .

[Peach]

Hi Turkish Delight,

I really feel for you, I went through something similar with my DD when she was younger.

If I were you, I would immediatly go up and see the class teacher AND the principle. Don't yell, but tell them firmly that this should not be tolerated by the school and ask them what steps they are going to take to stop this from happening. Perhaps you could suggest a buddy system or something?

Be so so careful with this issue, your son might develop a huge resentment for his acadmeic gift, because social development and inclusion is so important in a young childs life.

Good luck and give your son a big big hug, its such a hard thing to go through for both the parent and the child.

[Turkish Delight]

Oh Serenity. You just got me all teary.

I feel so guilty about not talking to him about his problem but just went ballistic when i heard he gave his money to other kids.

Tonight, i will hug him and apologise for being so nasty yesterday.

I will make an appt with the school as it is intolerable. I am so fed up with the kids at this school but i have no other option because we both work.

I swear, sometimes i wish that he was never gifted. It is soooooo hard to deal with. I just want him to be a normal kid.

[Pretty Butterfly]

Babe, thats just so horrible for your little man....

The boy who kicked his ball away was just being a brat, and that probably wont change unfortunatly. And at their age, if a child offers them money to play, they will take it.... little buggers..

So although the school definatly need to know, and will probably speak to the boys, theres not much you can do about them being bratty.

I know it seems so nasty, but kids, esp boys, generally do not like playing with younger kids, or what they think to be "babies". I so feel for your little man. It must be so hard socially.

Maybe they will allow him to play with the lower grades, but will that worsen his relationship with his classmates?? When he hits high school, there will be no younger kids, just the same kids he's had to socialise with for all these years.

What a catch 22....

I know my 12 and 9 yr olds find it hard to muck around outside together, as the 12y/o is so much bigger, faster etc.. so your son may really feel the age/sport barrier even more as he gets older...

Maybe he would be happy to join footy or soccer out of school, in his own aged team, and not have to play with the bigger boys??? I dont know babe, it must be so hard for you both....

[cocobambino]

This brought tears to my eyes, my daughter was a victim of bullying last year, once she got off the bus and burst into tears coz a BIG (little) girl told her she was going to give her a black eye if she got on the bus on monday, and another time she rwas phisically pushed to the ground with her hands behind her back, these kids that done this are HUGE kids, i mean they are only the same age but 6 times miahs size, anyway I ended up having to actually go to the principal and threaten to take her out of the school and send her to the private school if he didnt step up to the plate, so i suggest u go down there and really put your foot down, schools are getting too lazy with bullying policies

[Turkish Delight]

My DS is the most non-violent kid i have ever seen. Not one bad bone in his body. He is always fair to his playmates and it breaks my heart when other kids just aren't friendly, caring or sharing as he is. DH and i know that he needs to toughen up but he can't and won't because it is not in him. He doesn't even play fight.

He was bullied last year at school too. He come home once covered in sand, another day with tan bark in his hair. I am just soooo over it.

I will make an appt with the school principle and threaten to take him as honestly i have had it. I will DH with me because knowing me i'll start to cry.

Bullying is definitely not on and should not be taken lightly. These kids who bully will become violent adults, i believe.

[Peach]

Awww hun

My DS is the most non-violent kid i have ever seen. Not one bad bone in his body. He is always fair to his playmates and it breaks my heart when other kids just aren't friendly, caring or sharing as he is.

My DD is exactly the same, and she is constantly bullied. I think that the other more dominant children see her as an "easy target". Don't feel bad for losing the plot, I used to aswell, but after my DH and I would go and chat to her together.

We used to role play, what she could have done. We told her that people will treat you like this for the rest of her life if she allows them to. We were quite blunt. I said that no matter how many schools you change to, or when you leave school, in the work places, there are always nasty people. I believe one of the best lesson we can teach our child is not to run away, but stand up and let these people know (adults can be nasty too) that there behaviour is not going to be tolerated.

[Pretty Butterfly]

He was bullied last year at school too. He come home once covered in sand, another day with tan bark in his hair. I am just soooo over it.

I will make an appt with the school principle and threaten to take him as honestly i have had it. I will DH with me because knowing me i'll start to cry.

Bullying is definitely not on and should not be taken lightly. These kids who bully will become violent adults, i believe.

Oh hon, I didn't know he was actually being bullied, poor little mite...

Kids taking balls will always happen, they are kids, but if kids there are bullying him, then it must stop!!

Make your principal listen, and if he takes it too lightly, tell him you may have to go higher up than him if he cant control his students.

No child should have to put up with bullying children, it not only affects the bully long term, but the damage to your own precious boy could be quite severe long term too...

Stand firm babe, they must listen to you!!

[Turkish Delight]

I have not been able to make an appt with the Principal as yet but i am working on it.

DS told me that his teacher took both my son and the boys involved into another room and spoke to them about what happened was not right etc.. My DS was found to be in the wrong, but the kid who took the money was not! The teacher asked the boy as to what he did with the money and he declared that he went and bought his mum a gift from the mother's day stall I was so upset.

what i don't get is wouldn't you as a mother ask your child where he got the money for to buy you a gift??

How do i argue my case at school when my DS is found to be in the wrong.

Aaaaaaaagh. I really don't know.

[Pretty Butterfly]

I would speak to his teacher, and find out why she thinks your son is in the wrong. You need all the facts.

Then take them to the principal, and make him do something about it!!!

[Marlene]

I just found this thread and it has me in tears...your poor little man, my heart is breaking for him...and you.

I would definitely be trying to find out WHY the teacher is saying your DS is in the wrong, that is just so unfair! Are there any older kids you know from the school who could be his 'buddy' and keep an eye out for him at school.

[Turkish Delight]

I guess they think that he is in the wrong because he offered them the money. He is only 7 and just turned 7 too. But the others are 8-9 yo, they should not have accepted it.

I will ask the school about a buddy system. Does it work?

He has started having an attitude at home too. I guess it all stems from school.

[Just Me]

that is just so sad. I am still not sure how the teacher holds your son responsible for that situation and really it should be the school's responsibility on days when kids bring money for special things to make sure that it is looked after because it does cause so many problems.

If the school is a public school (or even a Catholic school) they should have an anti-bullying policy. You should ask for a copy of it and find out exactly what is says and the school's strategies for managing bullying in the playground. At least this way when you do talk to the principal you can be prepared for how the school says it manages bullying behaviour on paper and if you feel that their system is not happening, address this with the principal.

If the school is a state one or a Catholic school, there is also a good chance they would have an AVT (advisory visiting teacher) for different areas. If your son has been excelerated through a grade, really he should have an AVT or Guidance Officer who is his case manager who is meant to be addressing issues like this one where he is having difficulty fitting in socially with the other kids because he is younger than they are. They should be able to look at a playtime management strategy for him to ensure that his needs are being met socially with kids his own age. An AVT or GO should also be able to do some work with him on self-protective behaviours to help him deal with times when he may get bullied. Self protective behaviours are teaching when something doesn't feel right (and identifying when something doesn't feel right - kids often can't identify this until they are older), how to say no and then how to get help. They should also be able to do some self esteem building activities with him.

I don't know how much any of that helps, but they are the sorts of things that I would be asking the principal about. If your DS has a case manager because has been accelerated, they should also be invited to this meeting.

If you are unsatisfied with the outcomes and you are in a Catholic school or state school, you can take your concerns higher. Also if the principal is evasive about meeting with you, take your concerns to the Catholic diocese or Education Department for your state. They won't ignore your concerns if you put them in writing.

Sorry, I don't know much about independent schools and if your son is enroled in an independent school you can still ask about all the things I have said, but they don't work on systems the way that larger organisations do and each school is a bit more of law unto itself.

One warning about gifted and talented kids - you would think that they would be the teacher's favourites, but for some teachers G & T kids represent a lot of extra work trying to provide enough stimulation for them and trying to keep one step ahead of them. For this reason, teachers can take things out on G & T kids just because they are frustrated with them always needing so much more than the other kids in the class. I am not sure if that is what is going on with this teacher, but it is something to be aware of now and in the coming years.

I hope that things get sorted out soon for your DS. It is a really tough situation that he is in.