35 weeks and 1 day

[Samcougar]

Riley was born sleeping on the 26th March 2009 at 35 weeks and 1 day. I went to the hospital with contractions and my husband and I were so excited, a little early but we were over the moon!! The midwife tried to find his heartbeat but couldn't (we wern't that worried because he was always hard to find) so they sent us for an ultrasound. When we got back to the room the doctor came in and told us that our baby had no heartbeat and had passed away! Our world just stopped spining! The doctor told us we could go home and wait but i still can't understand why because my contractions were 3-5 mins apart. I chose to stay.

My Obstetrician was in surgery and we didn't know what to do, Mum and Dad live 8 hrs away (we had already rang them and they were already on their way home) , My husbands parents were 2 Hrs away at a doctors appointment. I don't ever think we have ever felt so alone! So we rang my GP who had been an Obstetrician and he cancelled all of his appointments and came straight to the hospital ( he is a truly great man and i have every respect for him and can't thank him enough for what he did that day)

Knowing that i was going to give birth to my baby but it wouldn't be a happy time like it should have been was one of the hardest things i have ever done. after 7 Hrs at the haspital Riley James was born weighing 4lb 2oz at 5:33pm. The room was silent except for my husbands sobs, it just wasn't fair Riley should have been screaming the walls down. I was scared to look at him but when i did he was perfect (he just looked asleep) I got no say in his looks, he was his Daddy all over.

It didn't really sink in untill they took him and dressed him in some baby clothes and then i just broke down and cried and cried. I only held him once and i will always regret that i never held him close and told him that i love him, told him how much i wanted him and needed him, i didn't hold him and said goodbye, I just sat there and looked at his perfect face and cried.

I went home that night, I couldn't stay there all night and listen to other babys cry it just tore me to pieces. Walking out of the hospital empty handed is something no mother should have to do.

All of the tests they did came back normal, they couldn't find and reason as to why our little boy had left us and that is so hard to understand and except, but we know we have to move on and keep his memory alive.

We went to visit his grave the other day and i got out to open the gate and a butterfly flew around my head for ages then landed on my face and hands, then landed on my lips. It flew in the open window of the car and landed on my husbands arm, then flew out, landed on me again then flew away. I just sat in the car and cried again i don't know if im just being silly but i think it was Riley telling us that he is ok. Well i beleive it anyway and it gives me a bit of comfort. So everytime i see a butterfly i think of him and smile.

Its been nearly 3 weeks since Riley was born and to go shopping and hear a baby cry tears me to pieces, my heart hurts every time. I go back to work next week because i don't like being at home alone but i work in a supermarket so i think im going to have to be very strong.

Sorry its so long I just needed to talk. Thanks..

Rest In Peace my Angel Boy.

Riley James 26/3/09