The last few days I have been in a good place, hardly any tears and I think it's because I've been thinking about Rhi so much that I've taken my mind off me.

Last night we were lying in bed and I said to dp. What if this happens again? I don't know if I could cope, it's hard enough living day by day as it is. I'm annoyed I'll never be able to enjoy a pregnancy again, every pregnancy after hayley will be full of anxiousness. I said to him wtf do I do? Do I embrace being pregnant? Or do I try to disconnect myself from the pregnancy just in case this does happen again. I don't even want to tell anyone about the next pregnancy. Just to try and shield them from the pain.

I'm so angry we have been dealt this card. Why? Why me? Why us? Why anyone?? I feel like I'm just existing not fully here. Days are a blur. I'm lost. I'm trying to fit in but I don't fit in anywhere anymore. Sigh.

I don't even know what the point of this post is? Rambling thoughts. I just miss and want my baby girl back