Congratulations on the birth of your little lady arla and I am so sorry that she is not here with you right now. I am so glad that you had a wonderful birth, it makes a hard time a little sweeter. We lost our daughter at 39 weeks last October. I found so much love and support here from all these wonderful people on belly belly as well as a fantastic group on fb called luminous lights. The experience changes your life forever. I hope the next few weeks and months are gentle on you. Sending you so much love and hugs xoxox
I just reread your post and you asked about advice etc...the best thing I did practically was to accept help with meals and around the house as well as caring for my 2 year old daughter as well - you did just have a baby so there is recovery needed as well as emotionally when all that can get a bit much. I also started seeing a psychologist soon after her funeral with helped. I am generally a fairly blunt (for want of a better word) and honest person and this has helped with my friends and family - if I don't want to do something or I am having a bad day I just tell them rather than trying to avoid the topic of her to much. I hope you have lots of loving friends and family around you at this difficult time. Let them know it's ok to talk about her if that's what you want. I also remind my hubby's mates from time to time to check in with him cos he won't go to them. Recently I felt like some of my friends had moved on so much and forgotten about me because i am certainly not the same person i was 6 months ago but I think I had pushed them away a bit and they all ganged up on me to check it at the same time - good friends don't forget and they won't let you either. Keep in touch with us on here and I hope your day has been as ok and possible xo
My heart is heavy with the sadness that your precious Arla couldn't stay. IYou will always be her mother. And she your daughter. I will write more later, but I hope you are doing as good as you can. Much love and strength.
Congratulations on the birth of Arla, and I am so very sorry she couldn't stay with you. I can tell what a brilliant mummy you are to bring her earthside in such a beautiful way. I am so sad that she is not in your arms.
Thank you so much for all your kind words and thoughts, it's so nice to receive and I thought it would be fitting to reply today, being one week since Arla's birthday.
This week has been the longest week of my life. Such a surprising array of emotions and highs and lows that come and go so quickly, and triggers of sadness and happiness that surprise even myself.
We have spent the week with family, and I honestly can't tell you how I have eaten a meal, slept, functioned as it's all been automatic and a meal gets put in front of me, and I eat it. It's surreal and bizarre.
My beautiful sisters have been taking extra special care of me, packing up Arla's room (which DH and I promptly unpacked as the room felt bare and impersonal, and we are getting so much comfort from sitting in there with her things and keeping the light on in there at night and just walking past it makes me smile )
I have found a strength I never knew existed. Much like on this day one week ago, when I performed something I never thought I would have strength or courage to do, it's a shame that you have to be pushed to the depths of your capacity to realise how much you can endure. DH and I have been talking alot, every day, checking in with each other, and both agree that we feel we have experienced everything life can offer in terms of highs and lows - the utter joy and immense love of birth, and the harrowing depths of devastation that losing your child brings. I feel more confident in my ability as a person, as a mother, as a human being from this experience. I feel I can face anything now, and I will survive any pain life has to throw at me. It's like a mysteriously comforting 'I know the meaning of life' feeling. We also started counselling on Friday which was helpful but exhausting!
It's interesting to observe our own experience of grief, and those around us. Yes we could get angry, and hate the world, and feel like we don't deserve this awful thing happening to us. But that is also all it is: a thing that has happened to us. Rather than allowing it to become our identity and 'who we are' we are trying to make a conscious choice (and during those bad hours and bad days, this is a really hard struggle) to not let it define us. We are also trying to embrace whatever grief throws at us - sometimes utter despair, sadness, loss, gut wrenching pain, and sometimes joy, gratitude, reflection and excitement for the next chapter.
Take it all in and let it happen however it may happen. Which seems to change every few hours
Yesterday was a tough day. It started out being beautiful, a lovely breakfast in bed feeling positive and laughing with my best friend and sister, and joking around. Which turned to tears as soon as they left our house, and I was unable to get out of bed and sobbed until I couldn't sob any longer. DH and I talked about Arla and how excited we had been etc. we sat in her room for abit and cuddled on the chair that we were going to be feeding her on, and talked about how proud we were of one another. We cried over her little shoes. And generally allowed ourselves to be very sad. We then decided to go into town to regain some normalcy and even though I was still in my pajamas and was planning on staying in the car, I was ready to hit the big wide world out there.
We live in a rural area, and we got in the car and began to drive down our dirt road. Coming around a corner, still with tears in our eyes, we came to a screeching halt. Standing in the middle of the road, staring at us, was an eagle. 4 feet tall, the majestic amazing bird stood there and stared back at us. It then took off, the sound and sight of its amazingly huge wings taking our breath away. It then flew above our car, very low, only five metres in the air for some time.
Arla's name means Eagle. It's times like those that make you smile and wonder and give you a glimmer of hope for the future.
Well we've finally gotten through all the 'events' surrounding Arla's passing. I know this must sound strange but we had a diary full of things we 'had' to do, despite how we were feeling on the day emotionally or physically. We had the funeral, which was just my husband and I dressing up to be with our daughter in a room alone for a few hours, and then more doctors appointments and test results (all which have so far shown a perfect bill of health for myself and Arla, a confusing, relieving and anger inducing experience all in one!) and her memorial service and cremation yesterday.
Today I feel somewhat numb, but lightened by the fact that I can grieve without public display now, without consultation and expectation. We built a beautiful garden for Arla yesterday at our property with family, where everyone contributed a plant or a sculpture etc and we made something amazing, comforting, emotionally soothing and a special place for us to go and sit and be with her memory.
Grief is still showing us twists and turns, but the desperation seems to be subsiding for now. I am actually able to think towards the future a little more, which is a big deal when you are used to the despair of mourning and wonder whether you will ever look towards tomorrow! I am feeling reflective, almost grateful for her short life and passing, and the lessons it has taught us. She is leaving a legacy in ourselves, our relationship and our family of gratitude, appreciation, love, and a better future. We are already better people, better parents from Arla's influence, my baby girl has made a lasting impression on all of those who loved her in so many different ways. She's healing rifts within both of our families that have been there for 30+ years! We knew she was special, and it's nice to see that she is special to others too.
We have been talking alot about fear and sweating the small things in life - did anyone else experience a sudden 'invincibility' and feeling like nothing in life could beat them after such a devastating event? It's quite an amazing feeling. It puts every worry, every past fear, every anxiety provoking thought you've ever had into perspective. If someone had said to be four weeks ago 'your baby is going to die. Do you think you can handle this?' I would have said 'no, I will die myself, I will never be able to get through that'...but today, three weeks on, I'm functioning, I'm processing, I'm dealing with it. And I'm amazed.
My friend lost her daughter at 36 weeks
She almost died herself with preeclampsia on te delivery table.
11 years later she honours her daughter by buying a gift from the Kmart wishing tree for a child the age her daughter would have been.
Her baby's photo is on the table with photos of her living children.
It was hard and you never forget and you will get angry when you see people who "don't deserve kids" have babies for a long long time.
Allow yourself all the emotions.
I'm so so sorry for your loss
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