You know sometimes i feel like im still searching for that peice of me that was taken itms?
i feel sometimes that when i look at ds i feel like his missed out on something that was his and apart of him..
i ask him all the time about his feelings about it all and he says"mum i see him all the time im fine".. that should be some sort of assurance but i feel like i owe him something..
its hard to know i never get to see him grow beside his brother or even hug him when his upset..
i cant look into his eyes, ill never ever hear him cry, he wont get to feel my warmth or even taste my cheek when he gives me open kisses
he will never feel the sun hit his soft skin, or feel his brother tug him when his playing around..
there is so much i feel that my ds and him have lost and some times i feel like its my fault and even though i know its not. i just feel like that and i cant help it.
the pain, 10 yrs on is still so raw and deep that i think i live everyday with that pain and the pain never stops... i cant get past the pain. i cant get past the things that stopped me from having a healthy boy next to my beautiful ds..
i remember that when i had them and i was in the room with them ds kept looking aroound and when he laid eyes on him he would close his eyes again.. like he knew something was wrong and he kept making sure he was still there..
i wish everyday that no one, No one would ever have to hear those first two words "im sorry" cause sometimes those words will never ever be wanted to be heard again.. for anything