Aww Geez...what do I do??????

[SugarDust]

You are one beautiful person lulu!

All i can do/say is send you my wishes and prays that you figure it all out and that D finds her feet again!

[maz]

Lulu babe......were the hell were you when I was 15????

As DD bestie isnt at school...they cant help. Have you thought about ringing some of the churchs and youth organisations around to get help to get this girl sorted? Take her to centerlink and get her down as homeless so atleast she has some $$$ coming in and then get her a case worker so she can do something positive.

Id personally be saying you can stay her BUT these are the ground rules. Tell her she has to be fair and while she's not at school...she has to attempt to look for work. Even being a check out chick is a great start. Maybe even get her to enrol at TAFE to finish of her VCE instead of school. I did it and i think I turned out alright (God I hope I did anyway)

Get her to write down a 12 month goal list and work thought it with her. It might help her discover who she is and taht someone cares about her enough to ask. I know at that age...all I wanted was for someone to listen to me and ask how my day was and having non emotional support is the last thing I wanted...give her a hug and let her know your there for her.

Your a friggen wonderful woman Lulu...you can make this work..you know that.

With the right mix of love, support and firmness babe you'll do it.

[Sammiejane]

Lulu, you are awesome!
Good on you for even contemplating it

I can totally understand why you would want to reach out and help D - the story does tug on the heart strings, i do however agree with Cai in that you do need to put your family first and consider how this will effect them
Also Oshani makes a good point about D influencing/enticing your DD to leave school due to finacial freedom .

HOWEVER - if i was in the same situation i would probably give it a go, if D returned to school, could your get FTB for her? I know this wouldnt be heaps, but would help a little...
Could you speak to the family and see if financially they would contribute towards her care? although it sounds like the father is not likely to agree to that, BUT did he work? if not he got the single parent pension i assume? he would loose that i guess, might make him reconsider the living situation.

BG also makes great suggestions about a contract and it is something that definatly should come into it if she were to stay, also how about getting the girls to also set some ground rules re personal space and things, it can all start out with the best intentions, but a tshirt goes missing or deodorant is used, petty i know, but these things can turn into WW3 without good boundaries from the start.

HTH Good luck with your decision

[Phteven]

It's hard enough to study through the final years of school without the distraction of sharing your bedroom with someone who doesn't have any study commitments.
My thoughts would be to make it a temporary arrangement - give her x months to find a home of her own.
Maybe you should contact the Mum and give her a kick up the bum - wallowing is excusable and understandable but her daughter needs her now so it's time to step up and join the program. If she can straighten up and D can find a job they can share a flat - it would be the ideal solution (which is why it will probably never come to pass lol). I know you don't want to open up to her but I think you can call her without having to invite her into your home or commit to any kind of ongoing contact.

[Marlene]

Lulu, you have a very hard decision ahead of you and you have a huge heart!!

I am going to give you my humble opinion.....If it was me I would try any other way possible to get your DD's friend help other than you taking her in. I know the girls will start off with the best of intentions as far as rules and boundaries go but, hey, they are teenagers.
I didnt even know what to say....I have typed and deleted, retyped and delete again, LOL, eveything I am trying to say just sounds mean....but I am thinking of your little ones and how it will affect them. It may all work out just fine, but it may also all go pear shaped, which will affect your DD and your little ones.
If things dont work out with your DD's friend for some reason, she could end up leaving and taking your DD with her. It seems that your DD is just starting to settle down and this could mess all that up.

I dont know...its really, really hard to know what to do....and I'm positive I havent helped at all with my jumbled mess, LOL. I wish you the best and I'm sure you will figure out what to do.

[Lulu]

This is all awesomeness!!!

Some more points -

* D has 5 siblings. Before it all turned to crap and her family fell apart she was used to doing plenty of chores, sharing a room and making do with 2nd hand clothes. She never complained, its the way of large families - everyone had to pull their weight. It's be a cakewalk here compared to her place....

* D has often pulled up my own spoilt DD on contributing and being thankful for what you get.

* I have offered to trade D for DD1 in the past!

* I don't think she would go back to school, although I haven't spoken to her about it yet.

* As much as my DD bangs on about leaving school, she always encourages her friends to stay, including D. I don't think it will be a temptation to leave school because D has.

Please don't pull back with your responses - FFS you all know I'm not easily offended, if you have reality stories let 'em rip.

I would certainly tap her into everything available - I have contacts.....

[Marlene]

* I have offered to trade D for DD1 in the past!

Maybe thats the way to go then....LOL.

[fionas]

OMG.

You ARE brilliant Lulu.

Look, the longer I hang around in this world the more that I think that a lot of love and listening can solve most problems.

So, I think what I would do in your situation is to tell her that she can stay - as a short-term safety net solution until you can all figure out something more permanent - which may take weeks or months. Yep, speak to all the social services you can and speak to her mum too.

I would put one HUMUNGOUS condition on her moving in. She HAS to have a productive way of spending her days and that could be to find a job or to enrol in TAFE before she moves in. I'm not 100% sure about this but I think that 16-year-olds are pretty much guaranteed a TAFE place to keep them in education.

You'll work out the rest in terms of chores and a contract but, to me, making sure that she is either in education or working has to be the priority.

From what you've said, I think she is a positive influence on Bella and she will see that living out of home is hard work and will only make her appreciate what she has at home more.

[kelebek]

I think you are amazing for considering this & what follows is just my experience & opinion.

My brother is 5 years older then me & so while I wasn't as young as your littlies I was about 8 or 9 or something when my brother went majorly off the rails. My mum being the women she is also left the door open for him, this doesn't mean she would put up with his **** while he was under her roof but he was always welcome IYKWIM? anyway as a result he would bring home friends whose family did kick them out & often we would have at least 1 or 2 of them living with us at once. For me it was a positive experience.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that if you don't think it will have a negative effect your younger children then I would go for it, I would like to think if it was me I would be able to open my home like my mum.

I do agree with BG & the others that mentioned there needs to be some clear boundaries, chores, bedtimes, impact on DD1 etc...

Some practicalities she should be eligible for something from centrelink, if the dad isn't willing to cooperate the mum should (from memory parent had to sign a form confirming they had been kicked out of home etc... but it could have all changed), also if you think she should at least get year 10 maybe talk to her about TAFE, make that a condition of staying.

HTH & GL whatever you decide.

[Ozziehoffy]

Wow... what a situation. From what you've said about D and how well you know her, I'd personally probably do it. That is just me though. As for money, if she does get a job then board is a good thing for her to learn about anyway and it wouldn't be a bad thing. I don't think she'd even mind from what you have said... in fact I think that she'd just be very appreciative and in fact could be a good influence on Bella by the sounds of her. Also, just check with Centrelink to see if you can get any assistance for her?? You might be entitled to something?? Particularly if she doesn't find a job.

to you, you are so lovely. Let us know how you go and good luck with your decision.

[tiggerandpooh]

hun - just wanted to let you know, that I soooooooooo know where you are coming from. I'm in a very similar situation right now (read my blog for all the details if your interested) I can't say do it, or not do it... whatever decision you make it, its a HUGE one. there is some really good advice on here though.