DSD not using sanitary protection

[Trillian]

OK, its a tough one, but its really important that someone get through to her on this. It is really unhygenic for her to do that - not only for her, but tell her to think of the people who have to sit on the seat she just got out of if she has leaked onto it - now I know seats are grubby but that is just downright grotty kwim?

Although I do understand the embarrassment of it all. I was just over 12 when I got mine and the first few times it was so uncomfortable to wear pads and I felt like everyone could *see* them because I was so self conscious of wearing them and back in those days there were no ultrathin alternatives. So I pretty quickly moved to tampons and coped with it all so much better. I was also very embarrassed and my dad only knew I had my periods when I was 13 and we moved towns (my parents were separated and I always went to mum to get pads etc - we lived with dad)

So her reasons for not wearing them I suspect would be 1 she is only 12.5yo and hasn't really *explored* herself down there yet (as most 12yo's wouldn't have I guess) and is completely unfamiliar with her vagina, hence probably being really scared of trying to insert a tampon - for the age old reason of 'will I lose my virginity' or will it be gross/dirty/naughty to put something in there kwim? 2 she is self conscious about wearing a pad like I was or 3 she just doesn't understand the whole concept of it all yet.

Teenage girls can be cruel and boys can be crueller still - tell her that she will more than likely never live it down if she did bleed onto her school clothes at school etc and that would be very hard to deal with on top of everything else. I really loathe having to take that road of almost belittling her, but it might be the only way to get through to her.

[Rouge]

I'm pretty sure another member had a similar problem last year or the year before, maybe they could offer some advice as to how they combatted this problem. Goodluck!

[saslia]

Thanks for all the advice....I have spoken to her again.....we will see how it goes tomorrow

[tiggerandpooh]

saslia

Just wanted to recommend a really good book that my daughter and myself have - called Girl Stuff, by Kaz Cooke. Check it out. Its fun, funky, and incredibly informative. on all sorts of stuff.

I have found it a great point of departure for conversations between my daughter and myself.

When my DD gets her period I'm planning to take her out to dinner to celebrate becoming a woman. I wish someone had done that for me. Another good book, Celebrating Girls. Love it.
Hope things improve.

[nadia]

Ladies, I'm sorry if this upsets any of you but I think by making her wash her own clothes b/c of this seems as punishment like" if you don't use these, then this will be your punishment",kinda like you won't listen to me or use what I'm telling you to then you can clean up your own mess, this is just my point of view and mine only.

Also my opinion again only mine is that maybe you can or her mum can show her how they work, maybe it's just she may feel uncomfy with them on, which lets face it they are.
I think tendernesss however frustrating it maybe, encouragement is needed, she's obviously frecked out about it so tenderness maybe the way to go. Ask her how she's feeling and see if any others (her friends) have theirs yet, maybe they can talk to her, she may feel better about that, more relaxed, cos she sounds confussed and scared.

Good luck honey.

[pollyanna]

Yes this happened to my best friend actually she is a step mum.
I'm sure the reason that the daughter wouldnt use them was denial;because the start of menses highlights many issues for them. All my girlfriend did was have a couple of talks with her to no avail and the birth mother did the same because she wouldnt use them at her house either. My girlfriend would find wrecked undies underbeds and stuffed in the back of wardrobes. My girlfriend just made sure there were pads everywhere. some in her bag discreetly, some in the toilet and some in the bathroom and some in her bedroom. eventually after a few cycles she succumbed and started using them,whether its because it was a natural progression or one of her peers at school advised her though i'm not sure. Maybe its just one of those gently gently issues. I personally dont think i would have the heart to make her wash her own clothes because if she is having trouble proccesing puberty i would think this might further heighten her embarrassment(only a guess),but she really is just a kid and i would think it would gross her out.As mums we tend to see and clean and do everything so for us it really isnt a big issue. A gross issue but for us mummys its just another chore. I previously used cloth sanitary napkins and hand washing is gross but it is a lot more funky and comfortable then disposable products but that again is just my own personal experience. my own daughter is 8 and she admires mummys pad stash as they are in her words cool-and yes i've had indepth talks with both my kids about everything from lactating to birth to sex to ejaculation to wet dreams and voice changes and pimples and hormones,and safe sex and bras and periods and mood swings. i think i covered all the bases without terryfying them. They are very interested in all the human body can do. As much as i dreaded these coversations they were all very gradual and very easy. I guess i have very QUICK kids that i didnt need to go over things constantly. But often i'll get the private one liner,like my son saying as he walks into the toilet"oh mum youve got your period!" "Does your tummy or back hurt?"I think he is great partner material for his dream girl when he gets older. Mr emapthy.

[Amie]

Ladies, I'm sorry if this upsets any of you but I think by making her wash her own clothes b/c of this seems as punishment

Have to admit, that's what I think too. And if she is feeling bad about it for whatever reason (teenagers have reasons that reason knows nothing of!), that might only heighten it. I'm sure there's some level of embarrassment and maybe denial about her period. Is she perhaps the first in her class or circle of friends to get it?

Seeing as she spends time between two households, do you know if her mum and her have an open/close relationship? Has anyone chatted with her about periods? And not just the biology, but the realities - as you get a little older they can become quite regular, for some women it gets a little lighter, after a while it won't be the big deal/inconvenience that it is now (although she might struggle to believe that one just yet). That might help take some of the bewilderment or discomfort out of it perhaps?

I'm not sure that I've said anything new, but hope you have a breakthrough with her soon.

[sunshine_sieben]

I had only recently turned 12 when I first got my period. But to be honest, I wasn't embarrassed, more excited. I had to wear our neighbour's pads for the first day, then my mum bought Mini Tampons. She had the "this is all normal talk" with me, then she let me choose whether I wanted help with the tampons or whether I wanted to try for myself. i just followed the instructions (it had little diagrams) and didn't end up needing help. I never looked back and the next time I had to wear pads was after giving birth to DD ;-)
Now, that story won't help you. But I just find it hard to believe that your DSD is so embarrassed or in denial that she won't wear pads or tampons. Is she usually a very shy girl? I would definitely try and reason with her (hygiene, piossible leakage, extra work, etc.). She's old enough to understand. Had she been told about puberty and periods before getting her first?
If she claims she doesn't want to wear the because she doesn't like them, then I would ask her to specify: "What don't you like about them? How could they be improved?" to try and get to the root of the problem. Wouldn't walking around with bloody undies be very uncomfortable, too?
I found pads extremely uncomfortable, too. So maybe she might need some help with the tampons? I don't know how close you are with your DSD, maybe this is something her mother should help her with???

I hope you can sort this out.
Sasa

[Nelle]

How did things go Saslia?