I can't do this again.

[Toomanytoomany]

I suppose I just want a vent.

We've had "issues" with dd2 for a very long time. Theft. Truanting. Horrendous attitude. Self harm, eating issues. We've sought support, done the best we can, agonised. She took a year off school last year after beginning year 11, to work at a fast food chain for a while and get some more counselling and sort out her head space. She was actually doing really, really well, seemed to have herself back on track.

Then she decided she wanted to go back to school and do her VCE. She enrolled, and as the start date got closer and closer, her behaviour deteriorated again. Moodiness, stealing again, picking fights with me and dh (who is her stepfather). Then in the last week, since she started school, she's been completely irrational and over the top and rude and awful, and then stole $100 off dh... and it's just escalating back down to where we were a year ago! It feels like all the progress we made has just gone. There was a really ugly scene with her this morning and there's just no getting through at all. She keeps throwing out bizarre proclamations like "Where were you when I needed a mother!" and you can't have a conversation calmly with her at a better time about what's going on, because there's never a better time! She's been spoiling for a fight to give her the excuse to go over the edge for a good while, it feels like.

It seems like as soon life demands more of her than just hanging around at home (albeit being very helpful - she was great with the washing, helping out with the little ones, etc) she completely melts down. She couldn't cope with her job, either and lost it, which was part of the reason she decided to go back to school. Well, sitting at home and doing nothing is not an option!!

I'm going to ring her counsellor and have a talk and let her know what's going on. I've told her (dd) that the methods of acting out that we tolerated with consequences when she was younger are no longer tolerable and she will be asked to leave and I will press charges if she steals again. She's nearly 18. I've also confiscated her house key and she is not allowed in the house without our permission. I suspect she needs to be medicated for depression but she is totally against it.

The last time this all came to a head, I had a breakdown of sorts. We just got the crap with dd1 sorted out, and now this starts, and iI've got a new baby coming and I just want to settle down and be calm for a while... I just don't think I've got it in me to go through all this again.

[Madham]

Sounds like you definetely(sp) have your hands full. I dont really have any advice as my dd is only 12 but i just wanted to say it sounds as if you have done everything you can to help her get back on track and i think maybe it is time for her to work it out herself. I was having issues with my parents when i was 16 and moved out of home got a job ony to return home within a month.

I probably havent helped you at all.

[AnyDream]

Oh I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this sort of stress! Especially when you're pregnant. I think it's a great idea to speak with her counsellor, maybe ask if there are any more resources for you to draw on for her at this point in time. Also, it sounds as if she has some resentment etc over life decisions/choices you have made, could you get her counsellor to set up a controlled mediation session with you so she can voice whatever it is that's bugging her?

Is there another option for her to get her VCE, instead of in a school environment? I'm thinking of one of those TAFE courses where you can do some vocational stuff as well as the core high school studies - it's a pretty supportive educational environment, and it might suit her better than a traditional classroom, kwim? It might be early enough in the year to make the change now too.

In the meantime, i think you are doing the right thing by being firm with some of those boundaries.

[AnyDream]

oops double post.

[Lulu]

Aaah, yes I've been having the same sort of irrational "conversations" with DD all this week. Its ridiculous.
I have also taken the keys, she has a bungalow out the back and if she wants to come in and do her washing or EAT, she can watch her REVOLTING attitude toward the rest of the family. Is there something in the air???

Are there any alternative schools around?

XOXOXOXO You sister in teen stress....

[Toomanytoomany]

Aaah, yes I've been having the same sort of irrational "conversations" with DD all this week. Its ridiculous.
I have also taken the keys, she has a bungalow out the back and if she wants to come in and do her washing or EAT, she can watch her REVOLTING attitude toward the rest of the family. Is there something in the air???

Are there any alternative schools around?

XOXOXOXO You sister in teen stress....

It's always a relief to hear other people going through the same thing.

I mean, "Where were you?" Geesh, most of my emotional energy has been sucked towards her for years. I've been right there, while she's been busy hating me.

[Lulu]

Oh cop this then - "you are a disgusting mother and you hit your own children". Ummm, I have a well known stance against smacking and she knows it. AND "you leave SOFT PORN pictures of yourself around for your children to see"..... well that would be the professional shots that were taken when I was about 25. 90% of them were clothed (and framed on my mums piano actually), and a few in my knickers and bra - I found the proofs in a cleanout the other day and Dp and I were fondly remembering the days of perky bosoms....

I can't roll my eyes enough. Have you had a look at the Tough Love Website? Parentline is excellent for a debrief/sounding board too xoxoxo

[Toomanytoomany]

Oh cop this then - "you are a disgusting mother and you hit your own children". Ummm, I have a well known stance against smacking and she knows it. AND "you leave SOFT PORN pictures of yourself around for your children to see"..... well that would be the professional shots that were taken when I was about 25. 90% of them were clothed (and framed on my mums piano actually), and a few in my knickers and bra - I found the proofs in a cleanout the other day and Dp and I were fondly remembering the days of perky bosoms....

I can't roll my eyes enough. Have you had a look at the Tough Love Website? Parentline is excellent for a debrief/sounding board too xoxoxo

Oh goodness, you poor thing! And then you wonder what on earth they are telling their teachers, counsellors, etc... and what the world must think of you through their eyes!!

[Toomanytoomany]

MD, that's not a bad idea, a group counseling session. Her tempers and outbursts tell me that she wants to tell me something but isn't able to find an appropriate way of doing it. And I really *am* keen to hear what it is that's bothering her particularly, and to be honest, I want her to hear what I'm dealing with too, when it comes to her outbursts!! We've already had one joint session that was very good.

I was very unsure about her returning to this school to do her VCE but she was adamant - I think there is a certain amount of pride involved. She wants to succeed at this school. She wants to finish something.

I am in a bind as far as her doing her VCE some other way because after she flunked out last year, and then decided she wanted to go back, I told her that this was the last time I'd be funding her changing her mind. We had already tried different schools before hand, even going into debt at a private school setting her up, only to have her decide she didn't want to go, or truant. I told her she needed to be sure because if she was going to change course midstream, the next time she'd need to get a job and pay for it herself.

I feel like I've run around in circles trying to fix things for her for so many years, doing everything I can to meet her needs, and now I feel like she needs to start taking the initiative herself, kwim? She's been given all these chances, all the support, now she needs to start working with it all.

I should mention, she is extremely bright, a gifted student, highly emotional, and she and her elder sister had quite an unsettled early childhood as their bio-dad left early, and he's come and gone through their lives a lot and that has been very disruptive for them. Dd2 has been dealing with emotional issues of one sort or another since she was a toddler.