To interfere or let it be

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My apologies, I was replying to you. I felt you were saying the OP shouldn't say anything: you had been advised to say nothing unless the situation was illegal or abusive. To my mind, your situation was about children breaking the law, so I don't understand why you regret reporting it. You then said no-one cares about under-age sex. Well, I do.

You then called me judgemental. I will agree to that and gave you an example of being judgemental and why I do it - for the benefit of me and my family. I would not want my children associating with people who broke the law without a care nor who abused others. And therefore, I don't associate with them. Yes, it may be judgemental, but it is what I believe is best for my family - just as I believe letting other parents know that their teen has been involved in illegal behaviour is ultimately the best thing to do; if those children decide to dislike my child for it then no, I don't think they're the greatest of friends and I'd rather DS was free of their influence.

[Bengal]

This is my last reply and the only reason I am replying is because you typed " I dont care about underage sex " .

You are blatantly twisting my words, stop it, please.

I have raised a teenage girl into a young lady, whilst being praised all throughout the years for doing it on my own, so i think i have the experience to help the OP see things from a different perspective, BEFORE she lets the parents know, what the girls got up too. so let's keep to the original topic, which was about teenagers and their behaviors, and less about you thinking I condone abusive or illegal behavior.

[nothing2lose]

Not to muddy the waters but here in Victoria it is not illegal for a person over 12 to have sex provided the person they are having sex with is not more than two years older.

Now play nice

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Woah, really N2L? So what's the legal age for pregnancy, out of interest? Logically that has to be 12 as well.

Back to the original topic - I know a lot of parents and grown-up ex-teens who wish their parents had been told about underage drinking and underage sex BEFORE it became a problem. And everyone was gossiping about it (including the parents of other teens and the schoolteachers, not just the peer group), we all knew people who did it - doesn't make it right, but so many people wish their parents had known and intervened, I am thinking of the long-game and not feeling uncomfortable around teenagers/young adults for the next few years. That's just my PoV.

(Out of polite interest, Bengal, why do you regret reporting? Just because of the embarrassment of seeing those ex-teens every now and then? Or was that a turning point in the relationship with your daughter? I would like to see things from your PoV too, which I really am not seeing now as we seem to be talking cross-purposes. Although I never called you names or accused you of anything, you just inferred that, although that was not my intent and so I apologise.)

[nothing2lose]

As far as I know the law is mute on pregnancy.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Woah. Legally pregnant 12-year-olds is out of my comfort zone quite a way!

[OceanPrincess]

I confided in my "best friend" at the time when I lost my virginity. I didn't feel I could talk to my mum about it so I talked to my friend. I was 17. Unbeknownst to me, she told HER mum, who happened to be good friend with MY mum, so guess what happened? Yep, she told my mum. It wasn't until a while later that I said something to mum about it and I was horrified that she knew.

Why? A few reasons. I was shattered my apparent "best friend" had betrayed my trust and I was embarrassed that mum had found out. I was also embarrassed FOR her as she would have been in an awful spot with her friend knowing something so personal about her own daughter that she didn't know. My mum (passive aggressive at times) didn't say anything to me about it but waited for me to bring it up, but when I did, it was clear she was quite hurt about it.

So as a mum with a daughter now, how would I handle the same situation? And the one in the original thread?

Well, I am attempting to create a relationship of trust with my daughter where she feels she can talk to me about anything. I'm sure my mum attempted to do that with me, but about sex, she was a closed book. It was known that she didn't have sex until she was married and she expected us to do the same. But there was no discussion about WHY... so when, as a 17yo, I went off to Uni and had my eyes opened to the ways of the world, yeah I went a bit haywire. I regret some of the things that I did then and not waiting til I was married is one of them. Which is why I made a decision to stop and changed certain behaviours. DH and I didn't DTD until marriage. Anyway... I would hope that I can use that experience to help my daughter feel she can talk to me about things... so that I won't have to find out from someone else.

But if it is one of her friends, and she tells me, well I think I would not tell the other parent. I would want to maintain the trust that my daughter has in me.

But if there was drugs or alcohol involved, I think I would feel differently. Like some of the other PPs have said, I would expect to be informed if there was planned drinking and to be told if it was unplanned. I see that as different to sex... Maybe that's a bit skewed of me, but that's just MHO.

[HotI]

Woah, really N2L? So what's the legal age for pregnancy, out of interest? Logically that has to be 12 as well.

Do you believe that a young person who gets pregnant should be prosecuted? I don't know how that will help the situation.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Good question. I suppose I wonder how good for the 12-year-old it is to be pregnant when she still has to complete her education. It is a sad fact that, where I live at any rate, the parents' education has a huge impact on how well the child does at school. If a child has a baby before finishing school, completing her education is harder, jobs available to her will be limited, as she cannot leave her parents and set up home herself at that age (nor can the father) then the baby will not be disadvantaged by living with loving grandparents, but the "norm" of mummy and daddy living together as the adults of the house, assuming they wanted to, wouldn't be able to happen. Huge strain on parental relationship, maybe causing a break-up: not a good situation all-round.

Of course, the 12yo mother could complete her education, even to a high level, once her child was at school, or work wherever and however she wanted. The father could stay in a relationship with the mother and be able to usefully provide for his family. Everything could work out just wonderful.

But it is not overly likely.

I don't have answers, but just thinking of what happened with the girls I knew who had babies before they finished school, it's a far cry from what they wanted out of life for themselves and their children before they found out they were pregnant. (For some, of course, it isn't, but planning an immenent pregnancy when you're 12 doesn't sit right with me - at 12 we may have planned for a family, but not right away, KWIM.)

I suppose I just think a 12-year-old shouldn't get pregnant in the first place! But then that doesn't mean it isn't going to happen.