My 15yr old sister has moved in and i need HELP

[mrscricket]

RD - I moved in with my two older sisters at age 15, and while the situation was a bit different - they were 19 and 23 at the time with no children- there was some similar situations to what you are going through. I found things got really tense really quickly because I *was* 15 and did nothing around the house at all . I had no concept of what it was like to work all day (or look after kids etc) and then come home to a teenager who'd gotten home from school and spent the last 3 hours laying on the couch (or in this day and age, on the internet, FB etc). We quickly had to sit down and sort out a system which worked for us all. They were the same as you, they understood that I was only a teenager and needed to be afforded some leeway, but I also needed to learn to help. The best system that worked for us was particular jobs were written on the whiteboard for me to do that week - such as take out the bins, vacuum, bring in any dry washing - and I had to do those jobs during the week. They would also occasionally ask me to peel vegies for tea etc. It was nothing massive, so I couldn't even use the 'I've got homework' excuse and it was never more than friends who still lived at home did.
I was hopeless at leaving clothes all over the place and was told repeatedly to pick them
up - which I didn't. Then it got to the point where I was told I was responsible for my own washing - cue drama when I ran out of clean clothes. I also remember an eposide where I didn't hang out my wet washing after being told, so my sisters left it in the washing basket.. Wet jeans in a hot laundry for a week = mould . Yes , I learnt my lesson there!

Looking back I felt that I really did need some form of routine and guidance and felt so much more stable when we had it. And yes, there was times when it was World War 3 - we were sisters after all, but other times it was great. They also found that being a teenager, I would bottle things up so they needed to make themselves really accessible to talk too, and look out for signs when I was going to have a typical teenage meltdown.

And now years later, we are best friends and super,super close. And they always laugh their heads off over how obsessive I am with keeping my house clean, and how I love to cook etc . Good luck!

[Fleur]

I had no concept of what it was like to work all day (or look after kids etc) and then come home to a teenager who'd gotten home from school and spent the last 3 hours laying on the couch (or in this day and age, on the internet, FB etc).

It's a really good point - they don't get it, a lot of the time. I remember what I was like as a teen - I would 'wash' the glasses by leaving them to soak in the sink

[Cocolove]

Thank you guys, going to talk to DH & worko ut a plan, he needs to be on this so im not alone in it & im not the one who looks like the bad guy & he gets to be the fun BIL.

Yesterday she whinged her washing doesnt get done quick enough

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Yesterday she whinged her washing doesnt get done quick enough

In that case show her where the washing machine is and how it works
IF i were you as long as her washing is NOT in washing baskets i'd leave it, let it pile up til she has no clothes and tell her if it's not in the basket it's not getting washed, then say you don't care if she has to wear PJ'to school.

Good idea on getting DH in on it too, your not laying down RULES your discussing as a family how the house should run, keep it simple and just discuss what you expect from her

[fromscratch]

RD - I moved in with my two older sisters at age 15, and while the situation was a bit different - they were 19 and 23 at the time with no children- there was some similar situations to what you are going through. I found things got really tense really quickly because I *was* 15 and did nothing around the house at all . I had no concept of what it was like to work all day (or look after kids etc) and then come home to a teenager who'd gotten home from school and spent the last 3 hours laying on the couch (or in this day and age, on the internet, FB etc). We quickly had to sit down and sort out a system which worked for us all. They were the same as you, they understood that I was only a teenager and needed to be afforded some leeway, but I also needed to learn to help. The best system that worked for us was particular jobs were written on the whiteboard for me to do that week - such as take out the bins, vacuum, bring in any dry washing - and I had to do those jobs during the week. They would also occasionally ask me to peel vegies for tea etc. It was nothing massive, so I couldn't even use the 'I've got homework' excuse and it was never more than friends who still lived at home did.
I was hopeless at leaving clothes all over the place and was told repeatedly to pick them
up - which I didn't. Then it got to the point where I was told I was responsible for my own washing - cue drama when I ran out of clean clothes. I also remember an eposide where I didn't hang out my wet washing after being told, so my sisters left it in the washing basket.. Wet jeans in a hot laundry for a week = mould . Yes , I learnt my lesson there!

Looking back I felt that I really did need some form of routine and guidance and felt so much more stable when we had it. And yes, there was times when it was World War 3 - we were sisters after all, but other times it was great. They also found that being a teenager, I would bottle things up so they needed to make themselves really accessible to talk too, and look out for signs when I was going to have a typical teenage meltdown.

And now years later, we are best friends and super,super close. And they always laugh their heads off over how obsessive I am with keeping my house clean, and how I love to cook etc . Good luck!

Love it.

Our house is the same poor boy has no clean undies and I haven't seen any dirty clothes in weeks, he washes them himself now.
We have set very firm boundaries and yes there are consequences.
No internet or conversations on phone while out and at the kitchen table unless he's dying or someone at the table is dying or he's lost. The phone stays at on the bench at all times unless it's an emergancy. And no phone after 8pm or else. I havn't thought of the or else as yet but he dosn't know that.
He has to help around the house. No helping no pocket money or no helping no sport this week, he gets to decide this. I should say he is very attatched to both.
I couldn't stand my sister living with me but have had an ex younger brother live with us and that was hard. But again boundaries and consequence.
As for FTB hm........ I think I might ring and have a chat to them. Inform them your sister is now living with you and see if she/you are entitled to anything else.
Good luck. Teenagers are not easy and I only have a 13 year old not a 15 year old. I'm just trying to survive his puberty.

[Gigi]

exactly, you are NOT the big bad wolf, you're just the one saying what needs to be said.

i actually think if a person is clever enough to operate all these other electrical gadgets in current life (that teens tend to), they must be clever enough to manage to work a washing machine. It's an important life skill, if no-one teaches you how to do laundry, when it IS your responsibility solely, you ruin clothes and have hassles.

[meow]

My sister moved in with us when she was 12, and not because she was having a hard time (my mum was a single parent and died) so it was a little easier for us. But I still struggled. It's hard raising a teen that hasn't been moulded into your family habits from birth. And it's hard putting the mum hat on when dealing with your sister.

As for a chore chart I sat us all down and said "I'm not coping. I feel like we're not all working together and the house is becoming a mess". We made a 4 week chore roster that rotated some jobs and it was for ALL of us. We were all equally involved in discussing who did what jobs, what amount of work was fair etc. I was mindful to make her busy teenage life sound like hard work and say "do you think you could fit in xyz on the weekend?"and things like that. I empathised that she still needed homework and leisure time.

As for family time, my sister and I started walking the dog together when I got home from work. We both really enjoyed and benefited from the time together. I also made Friday take-away night and we would sit at the table, chat and play the "week" game. Warning, I made it up and it's uber daggy LOL we would say "Saturday" and go around the table with each person having to say one thing they did on that day. As we worked through the days of the week it helped us talk and reflect on what had happened and touch base on things we might have beentoo busy to do at the time.

Goodluck. You're doing an amazing job

[peanutter]

RD - you're a fabulous sister ... not everyone would let her come live with you, considering you have your own kids to take care of!!!

DH and I used to be foster carers for teenagers, and each kid required different boundaries and obligations ... but some things were non negotiable, including:-

1. there was a chores roster. every kid *and* DH and I all had one chore, every day. when we had two kids, there were 4 chores, when there were 3, there were 5, etc, so that the chart made it obvious that things were shared equally. And then we each had a "big" chore to do over the weekend.

So the daily chores would be feeding the pets, doing the dishes, cooking the dinner (and either DH or I would help out, if they were not used to cooking), and walking the dogs. And when we needed fifth and sixth chores, they would be things like brushing the dogs and cat, or picking up around the TV area, etc.

The "big" weekend chores would be things like vacuuming the house, mopping the floors, doing the bathroom and toilet, etc.

2. We did a lot of things as positive reinforcement. Like, if you come shopping with us and help, then you can pick one non-essential item for up to $5. Or, if you help me sit down and write the shopping list (included going around the house, seeing what we're low on, cleaning out the kitchen and pantry, etc) then you get to help pick what we'll be having for dinners (because the ingredients would go on the list). So by doing that, it effectively taught them how to put together a shopping list, and we could discuss nutrition, budgeting, etc as we did it - without it having to be a "let's sit down and discuss how to budget our grocery shopping ... yay!"

3. Several things were simply expected of them from day one. Eg: you do your own laundry, and your own sheets, end of discussion. I don't clean your knickers, and you don't have to clean mine. Naturally, if they didn't know how to use the washing machine we'd teach them (we actually had little laminated cards by the washing machine and dryer with instructions, which we put up if it became obvious that one of our kids wasn't sure what to do!!). And if they ran out of clothes, then that's just too bad ... occasionally, we'd have kids with really poor hygeine who we had to encourage a bit more, but most kids got with the program pretty quick smart. It was also expected that they keep their room tidy, and that they abided by house rules (very basic - no strangers in the house without permission, curfew, no phones etc at the dinner table, etc ... not many rules though, to keep boundaries clear and strict but simple).

4. We were happy to help, but made sure we weren't doormats. Eg: if someone was at a party which was going awry, or their ride had been drinking, of course we'd go pick them up ... but we weren't a taxi service. Similarly, naturally we'd give them a hand with their homework, or putting together their resume and a cover letter, but absolutely was up to them to do it. We might suggest things to encourage or initiate, but it was completely on them to achieve things.

5. Sounds ridiculous, but with a couple of kids, we actually did a star chart. Yes, they were teenagers, but one had a social dysfunction, and the other was very "young" in a lot of ways. But we found the start chart really worked. It was divided into two parts: responsibilities, and behaviour. Responsibilities was their chores, being home on time, and going to school, and they got a star each day they did these things. Behaviour was basically attitude - were they helpful, polite, nice to the other people at home, kept their temper (ie: if something went wrong or they got angry, did they raise the problem without shouting or name calling - obvioulsy there's nothing bad about getting angry, but throwing things and screaming and punching is not the way we deal!) etc. And it was a merit system - there would be consequences when responsibilities weren't fulfilled, and positive reinforcement when behaviour was good. We don't like the idea of "bribing" for good behaviour, but we found that clear boundaries, examples of what was expected, and consistent messages and reinforcement really helped. But there's no way we would have gone down that path with most of our kids!

6. we also did a "house night" once a week, where there would be a time anyone could raise issues they wanted to discuss as a "family" and we'd plan any outings which were coming up, and then play a boardgame or watch a movie together, etc. Again, I found that they were really great for the kids.

7. with one kid who used to leave his crap all over the house, it got to the point where we said that if it didn't stop, we'd be going through the house once a day at 10pm, and any of his crap that was laying about would be confiscated indefinately. So his cans of lynx on the bathroom sink leaving rusty rings, his comb on the coffee table (yuck!) his belt and t-shirt on the back of the couch, his magazine in the toilet, his huge quantities of STIFF everywheter - they would be gone. An overnight mirrace occured, and we never had to follow through on the threat!!

HTH

[saslia]

This is my stepdaughter's job list for this year - she is 15 1/2 and has moved back to live with us after being with her mum for 2 years.

GEORGIA’S JOB LIST

DO HOMEWORK AND STUDY
Pack schoolbag
Make bed and clean bedroom
Do the dishes (dry or put away)
Help put dirty clothes in basket
Put lunchbox in sink and schoolbag in room
Make lunches and pack lunchboxes for everyone
Help take clothes off the line
Help sort washing
Put own washing away
Make dinner 1 night a week
Have a shower, brush hair & teeth every day
Baby sit as asked (extra $$$)

[Pandora]

Call centerlink.
If for no other reason than saving your mum the debt she is incurring.

What about austudy does she qualify for that? There might be payments etc that you don't know about that she could be entitled to

Eta: I can't help with the rest. We didn't have chores growing up other than cleaning our bedrooms which was a constant fail for me. I didn't see the point packing things away just to get them all back out again.
We also weren't allowed to get part time jobs.
Can you see im dreading the boys getting older, I have no idea.

[Fleur]

Really good post from Madham, I agree that how you approach things has a lot to do with how it goes. Panda isn't a lot of fun near AF time either but hey, neither am I ... I have found that trying her perspective on is a huge help

From the POV of what is expected of her....not so much these days, she is working, plus doing year 11 at High School and a course at Tafe as well, so she is pretty busy. But if she has time and it's been a while I will ask for her help.
It was her birthday last week & she had friends over Friday night, so she tidied upstairs & cleaned the bathroom.
And, as with a lot of things, it's best to pick your battles. She despises doing dishes so when we can we compromise - she hangs out washing or sweeps & mops or whatever.
If she wants me to take her somewhere I might ask her to help me get X,Y & Z done before we go.
There isn't really anything she [i][can't] do... she can clean bathrooms, sweep, mop, load / hang / sort washing... it's just down to what we need. Once when I was pushed for time, I dropped her at the supermarket & she started the groceries for me.

Before she was working we had a list of jobs we agreed that she would do each week, I actually find it easier to just ask when I need her help, because I was constantly nagging - when I just say 'would you mind...' it works better - but you need to find the approach that works for you guys.

Punishments - we don't need so much these days. There are things that she would get a straightout grounding for, but she doesn't do them (now ) For not helping out, it's a case of you get what you give. If you help me, I'll help you / drive you / give you $5 for lunch etc. If you aren't contributing, then you can't expect any benefits.

HTH

[toomanyshoes]

I would be calling CL

My SIL did the same kind of thing to her sister, sent the kid packing but still claimed any money.

If your mum did try to drag her back surely your sister can say no at her age?

I agree that if she wants her clothes done a certain way or by a certain time that she can wash them herself.

[peanutter]

one of our cherubs didn't respond in the slightest to consequences like removal of privelleges or grounding etc, so we used essays.

Not anything too arduous - but we'd give her a topic and she had to write 200 words on it.

Sometimes it would be something like "eating healthy" or "alchohol" and other times it was random things like "umbrellas" or "clothes tags".

She could hand write them or type it on the dinosaur (a PC so old it *couldn't* be connected to the internet!) and she could do it as quickly or slowly as she liked, but she was to sit and not move until it was done.

Occasionally I'd print her out a little material to help (eg: if it was about Martin Luther King etc) but normally, she had to do it all by herself.

And it worked wonders.

When she'd matured and calmed down a tad, she occasionally would ask me to set her a topic without being naughty ...