My 15yr old sister has moved in and i need HELP

[Fleur]

I had no concept of what it was like to work all day (or look after kids etc) and then come home to a teenager who'd gotten home from school and spent the last 3 hours laying on the couch (or in this day and age, on the internet, FB etc).

It's a really good point - they don't get it, a lot of the time. I remember what I was like as a teen - I would 'wash' the glasses by leaving them to soak in the sink

[Cocolove]

Thank you guys, going to talk to DH & worko ut a plan, he needs to be on this so im not alone in it & im not the one who looks like the bad guy & he gets to be the fun BIL.

Yesterday she whinged her washing doesnt get done quick enough

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Yesterday she whinged her washing doesnt get done quick enough

In that case show her where the washing machine is and how it works
IF i were you as long as her washing is NOT in washing baskets i'd leave it, let it pile up til she has no clothes and tell her if it's not in the basket it's not getting washed, then say you don't care if she has to wear PJ'to school.

Good idea on getting DH in on it too, your not laying down RULES your discussing as a family how the house should run, keep it simple and just discuss what you expect from her

[Cocolove]

This is way harder than I thought, Mum gives me no money for her yet still claims the FTB, she eats me out of house and home, yeah DH makes good money but we cant afford her! Mum put $100 in her account 2 weeks ago and said it was all for my sister, she ended up giving me $50 and mum went off, our shopping bill is now $250 a week, this is insane!

[Feijoa Mum]

Well thats not on.
I would tell your Mum that either she contributes to her upkeep or you will be ringing centrelink to let them know the circumstances have changed. Also when they changed so your Mum would possible get into strife for being overpaid.

It does cost alot to try and feed let alone clothe and entertain a teenager and if your Mum is getting paid for the job but not the responsibility then I would be kicking up a stink.
Yes it may cause some grief but you cant feed her on just love!

[Cocolove]

Im actually worried about mum dragging B back just for the money, shes doing so well at the new school but you have no idea what our mum is like, i suggested to DH we need to send her home and he doesnt want too coz she will fall back into that trap, but today is the day before grocery day and our cupboards are literally bare, im shopping every 5-6 days

[Feijoa Mum]

hmmmm its certainly a hard one isnt it?

When does she turn 16? Dont they get their own benefit then instead of the parents getting FTB?
Can you ring centrelink annomously (sp) and ask for some advice and see what they suggest. Saying that your are concerned that your Mum wont let her stay if there is a chance she will lose her FTB for her, maybe they have a solution for situations like this.

Best of luck and well done on being such a fantastic caring older sister. She may not know it now but she really will appreciate you in a few years

[fromscratch]

RD - I moved in with my two older sisters at age 15, and while the situation was a bit different - they were 19 and 23 at the time with no children- there was some similar situations to what you are going through. I found things got really tense really quickly because I *was* 15 and did nothing around the house at all . I had no concept of what it was like to work all day (or look after kids etc) and then come home to a teenager who'd gotten home from school and spent the last 3 hours laying on the couch (or in this day and age, on the internet, FB etc). We quickly had to sit down and sort out a system which worked for us all. They were the same as you, they understood that I was only a teenager and needed to be afforded some leeway, but I also needed to learn to help. The best system that worked for us was particular jobs were written on the whiteboard for me to do that week - such as take out the bins, vacuum, bring in any dry washing - and I had to do those jobs during the week. They would also occasionally ask me to peel vegies for tea etc. It was nothing massive, so I couldn't even use the 'I've got homework' excuse and it was never more than friends who still lived at home did.
I was hopeless at leaving clothes all over the place and was told repeatedly to pick them
up - which I didn't. Then it got to the point where I was told I was responsible for my own washing - cue drama when I ran out of clean clothes. I also remember an eposide where I didn't hang out my wet washing after being told, so my sisters left it in the washing basket.. Wet jeans in a hot laundry for a week = mould . Yes , I learnt my lesson there!

Looking back I felt that I really did need some form of routine and guidance and felt so much more stable when we had it. And yes, there was times when it was World War 3 - we were sisters after all, but other times it was great. They also found that being a teenager, I would bottle things up so they needed to make themselves really accessible to talk too, and look out for signs when I was going to have a typical teenage meltdown.

And now years later, we are best friends and super,super close. And they always laugh their heads off over how obsessive I am with keeping my house clean, and how I love to cook etc . Good luck!

Love it.

Our house is the same poor boy has no clean undies and I haven't seen any dirty clothes in weeks, he washes them himself now.
We have set very firm boundaries and yes there are consequences.
No internet or conversations on phone while out and at the kitchen table unless he's dying or someone at the table is dying or he's lost. The phone stays at on the bench at all times unless it's an emergancy. And no phone after 8pm or else. I havn't thought of the or else as yet but he dosn't know that.
He has to help around the house. No helping no pocket money or no helping no sport this week, he gets to decide this. I should say he is very attatched to both.
I couldn't stand my sister living with me but have had an ex younger brother live with us and that was hard. But again boundaries and consequence.
As for FTB hm........ I think I might ring and have a chat to them. Inform them your sister is now living with you and see if she/you are entitled to anything else.
Good luck. Teenagers are not easy and I only have a 13 year old not a 15 year old. I'm just trying to survive his puberty.

[Gigi]

exactly, you are NOT the big bad wolf, you're just the one saying what needs to be said.

i actually think if a person is clever enough to operate all these other electrical gadgets in current life (that teens tend to), they must be clever enough to manage to work a washing machine. It's an important life skill, if no-one teaches you how to do laundry, when it IS your responsibility solely, you ruin clothes and have hassles.

[meow]

My sister moved in with us when she was 12, and not because she was having a hard time (my mum was a single parent and died) so it was a little easier for us. But I still struggled. It's hard raising a teen that hasn't been moulded into your family habits from birth. And it's hard putting the mum hat on when dealing with your sister.

As for a chore chart I sat us all down and said "I'm not coping. I feel like we're not all working together and the house is becoming a mess". We made a 4 week chore roster that rotated some jobs and it was for ALL of us. We were all equally involved in discussing who did what jobs, what amount of work was fair etc. I was mindful to make her busy teenage life sound like hard work and say "do you think you could fit in xyz on the weekend?"and things like that. I empathised that she still needed homework and leisure time.

As for family time, my sister and I started walking the dog together when I got home from work. We both really enjoyed and benefited from the time together. I also made Friday take-away night and we would sit at the table, chat and play the "week" game. Warning, I made it up and it's uber daggy LOL we would say "Saturday" and go around the table with each person having to say one thing they did on that day. As we worked through the days of the week it helped us talk and reflect on what had happened and touch base on things we might have beentoo busy to do at the time.

Goodluck. You're doing an amazing job

[fromscratch]

My sister moved in with us when she was 12, and not because she was having a hard time (my mum was a single parent and died) so it was a little easier for us. But I still struggled. It's hard raising a teen that hasn't been moulded into your family habits from birth. And it's hard putting the mum hat on when dealing with your sister.

As for a chore chart I sat us all down and said "I'm not coping. I feel like we're not all working together and the house is becoming a mess". We made a 4 week chore roster that rotated some jobs and it was for ALL of us. We were all equally involved in discussing who did what jobs, what amount of work was fair etc. I was mindful to make her busy teenage life sound like hard work and say "do you think you could fit in xyz on the weekend?"and things like that. I empathised that she still needed homework and leisure time.

As for family time, my sister and I started walking the dog together when I got home from work. We both really enjoyed and benefited from the time together. I also made Friday take-away night and we would sit at the table, chat and play the "week" game. Warning, I made it up and it's uber daggy LOL we would say "Saturday" and go around the table with each person having to say one thing they did on that day. As we worked through the days of the week it helped us talk and reflect on what had happened and touch base on things we might have beentoo busy to do at the time.

Goodluck. You're doing an amazing job

Nice approach

[Cocolove]

It didnt work out, I sent her home 2 weeks ago!

[Catastrophic]

Hugs hun, I know how hard that decision would have been for you, I did it too my little brother xoxox You tried your best that's all you could do xoxox

[peanutter]

It didnt work out, I sent her home 2 weeks ago!

sorry to hear it didn't work out - but congratulations for giving it a shot, and for pulling the pin when you needed to

[Cocolove]

Thanks guys, it was hard because now mum rubs it in that I couldnt do it when I said I could handle it,
B thinks noone wants her