O man DD16 has been an absolute PRINCESS lately and its starting to get me down.
Quite frankly I think the truth is that she is spoilt and lazy, teenage moodiness aside and its going too far. She has 3 jobs to do - unload the dishwasher, feed the cat and hang out her washing/fold the sheets and towels. In order to get things done she must be reminded/hassled to do every job, every time. She gets shirty when reminded, goes to bed early to avoid it and will take as long as possible.
I need her to do the dishwasher before bed or before she goes to school so the dishes dont pile up through the day (no I WONT do it for her, its her fricken plan that I do it). So after the past 3 months I have now told her she can be slack with unloading but if there is a backlog of dishes she will have to reload. So first time it happens of course tonight.....and you should have heard the howls of protest and whining, why should she touch anyone else's dirty dishes??? Even if they were the dishes used to prepare HER meal. The carry on is embarrassing.
She moans about Dp when he is here even to the point of saying untrue things about him to her councellor, shes fine to ask him for money or anything else she wants because she knows I will tell her to pull her finger out before she gets anything.
I've stopped going to the councellor with her now, I don't think there is much point. It was good when she needed to express her needs regarding her biological father (eerrr yuk and another story in itself), and I did what she needed. But now its at the point where her issues are just the usual teenage power struggles and Im fine to handle that. Last time I went I felt that she was using it purely to get what she wants - which at the time was to allow her to sleep over at a boys house (UM, NO, not yet). When she listed her demands I again refused on the basis that she had shown no sign of the maturity needed to gain those freedoms. When she could help around the house and do her jobs without calling in Amnesty International in protest we could talk, until then NADA. To her horror the councellor agreed with me at which point she just threatened to leave school (and I had a feeling she might actually do it out of spite). We both gently pointed out the realities of her moving out (ffs!, she thought moving in with ExH would buy her more freedom but she fails to see he would be far stricter than me!).
We had another argument on the weekend about her stuffing me around when I was trying to get over to Williamstown for our photos and I ended up telling her not to come. I was heartbroken and nearly didn't see the point of going but I knew she would make everyone miserable the whole way there....as she does when she is dissatisfied.
In any case - and this has obviously turned into a mega rant but the point is - I am sick of the Jeckyll and Hyde personality. She is sickeningly sweet when she wants something but then turns on a tanty when she doesn't get her own way, and she is really nasty.
She gets away with it alot because I feel like I lose track of it. I swear not to carry on at her when she does this and mentally note it down so when she asks for money or a lift I can happily say, no I can't be bothered. But then I forget, then I get even more annoyed next time she does it because I've bloody well cut her slack and she can't even appreciate it.
So from now, I'm going to note it down in here (vent again I suppose) so I can keep track and not lose my head. In all honesty I think I'm so tied up about it is because she is showing the ickier side of herself (and we have a crapish side) far more often than the great. Its hard to enjoy the good moments because it feel like they will always be followed by some demand . And really, all she has to do is get off her butt a bit more but she breaks her neck to avoid doing anything for anyone but herself
Oh lord....gold stars for everyone that made it to the end...
i feel a bit weird posting as i was only her age 4 years ago....
i went through the same thing as her although i did move out of home....
i honestly dont think she WANTS to move out or leave school but she just thinks that by saying that she is going to get exactly whats she wants....
i know this is going to sound really stupid but it is really just a teenage girl thing, and i have no idea why we do it???
some of the people i was hanging around at that age were alot older than me and i was so jelous because they were allowed to go out till whenever and do what they wanted but i was stuck at home feeling like a 10 year old.
i do understand why my mum did all that stuff now but there was no way i would have understood it when i was that age!!!
that probably doesnt make alot of sense because there is not alot of advice in there but i hop it helps a little bit????
Sounds just like my sister! The good news is, my sister has now apologised to my mother for her behaviour as a teenager. The bad news is, nothing could stop her at the time and my sister admits that; she's no help whatsoever! (My dad grounding her was a nightmare for me, but at least I could stay out most of the time then.)
You sound like you're doing the right thing. You're not condoning her behaviour and letting her know your standards. If she can't live up to your standards then you don't reward her.
If you fancy a giggle at my 19-month-old (not -year-old): this weekend we asked him to bring us his shoes and coat. Normally this has him running to the door and trying to dress himself (so cute in pyjamas, hat and shoes in his hands!). Saturday, it had him look at us, lift his hand and "tabada hand". Talk to the hand? Already? At least we can answer "yes, that is your hand Clever Boy, now where's your coat?"
hang in there lulu - its a bloody roller coaster aint it!!! and one we could do without. I often find myself shaking my head in disbelief at Laura wondering who on earth this child in front of me is. The mood swings do my head in as well. I do find she is worse when she is premenstrual.
I know this wont make it any easier to accept - but maybe a little easier to understand... Lets blame it on the lack of development in their frontal lobes, the part that enables them to be able to make rational decisions and choices. This part of the brain doesn't fully develop until their 20's....
some interesting reading
" ... compared to adults the teens' frontal lobes (the
seat of goal-oriented rational thinking) are less active and their amygdala (a structure in
the temporal lobe that is involved in discriminating fear and other emotions) is more active.
The teens often misread facial expressions, with those under the age of 14 more often
seeing sadness or anger or confusion instead of fear. Older teenagers answered correctly
more often and exhibited a progressive shift of activity from the amygdala to the
frontal lobes. The results suggest that "in teens, the judgment, insight and reasoning power of the frontal cortex is not being brought to bear on the task as it is in adults.
Teens just process information differently from adults. .... This
new research may also provide a compelling explanation for why adolescents often fail
to heed adults' warnings about such choices; they may simply not be able to understand
and accept arguments that seem logical and decisive to adults. It is also possible that
teens are misperceiving or misunderstanding the emotions of adults, leading to miscommunication
both in terms of what the teen thinks the adult is feeling and in terms of the
teen’s response. "
and some more...
"Inside the teenage brain
Teenage years are often a time of rebellion and conflict, but new research suggests our teens are not being obnoxious on purpose. A report in the August edition of GoodMedicine investigates the latest evidence that teens are effectively being held captive by their developing brains. The report delivers advice to parents on coping with the transformation.
“For many years scientists believed that the first three years of life were the most crucial for brain development,” notes report author, Sarah Marinos. “But researchers now believe the teenage years are equally as vital in the development of our grey matter.”
Far from being an established clump of cells, the teenage brain is a complicated work in progress.
It is still growing and neuroscientists believe this helps to explain some of the weird, wonderful and downright frustrating behaviour we often associate with teenagers.
Parents and the teenage brain
Realise that adolescents are not just a smaller version of adults. The adolescent brain is in transition.
Remember that adolescents’ frontal lobes are closed for construction. As a result, they are short on forethought, planning, consideration and impulse control.
Grab them by their emotions. If you want teenagers to learn, of if you want to communicate with them, make sure what you have to say is emotionally relevant to them.
Bombard them with positives. This is the age where motivation gets tricky. Use rewards and anything else you can think of to keep them intrigued with learning.
Never underestimate your power. Adolescents need someone around them, someone they may battle with, but someone who ultimately they imitate and emulate.
The report explains the reasons behind the lack of interest in conversation, the need to sleep-in (it’s not laziness), and angry outbursts."
I know it won't take away your frustration hun - it certainly doesn't take away mine - but it does sometimes help me in the midst of the arguements to stop, and remember that I'm dealing with someone whose brain is still "growing" so to speak. HTH.
laura - I remember that driving force and the insane jealousy over those older friends. I was determined to leave home and go it alone (especially since I knew everything ), but I just didn't sit around bitaching about it. I went out and got a job, I added to my twisted idea of a glory box so I had sheets and towels etc when I was 16.
I didn't want anyone to tell me what to do so bad I was the worst turd of all, but at least I fricken did it. I moved out at 16, paid my way with work, broke my parents hearts but at least the house was peaceful when I was gone.....and I've been trying to make it up to them ever since .
In any case I also know I'm finding hard to relate to her a little because she seems to be apathy all round. I didn't sit still when I was her age (although I always had my nose in a book like she does) it seemed there was so much to do. Ah well....
Tigger - those fact DO help, in fact it will be useful to revisit that post when the going gets tough
It wasn't that long ago that I was behaving EXACTLY like your DD. To a tee actually!!
The good news, my dear, is that SHE WILL GROW OUT OF IT - I absolutely promise you this!! I went through the princess "I'm entitled to everything but will give you nothing" phase and it lasted for a good two years. Nothing anyone said or did would have changed my attitude as I couldn't see past my own nose.
You will be happy to know that my Mum and I have the best relationship now. I love her and I respect her for all the times she said "No" to me and didn't meet my demands. We got through it together and you and your DD will too.
Lulu, that was epic, reading all of that. Well done to you, you superwoman! I really related to a lot of things you wrote as well. Morehow you described yourself as a teen, I was like that too when I was 16...yeah I was feral, but I could talk the talk and walk the walk. Everything I said I would do I did. Threatened to move out, did. Said I would go and get a job (mum was very doubtful, a 16 yo highschool dropout) and I did one better and got a job touring internationally. I'm glad your DD is doing so much better now fwiw, my mum and I never had a terrible relationship, we were just too similar, we clashed so much. But I can honestly say she is my best friend now. She is so strong and brave and inspirational, and I'm so glad I had her when I was a feral little biatch lol.
Oh lordy there are so many threads from me in here
There was the BF that was a satanist, the long running dishwasher saga, the wagging sagas, the I want alcohol sagas, the time where I locked her out for 2 weeks and she lived on 2 minute noodles
The Princess Diaries....
. And really, all she has to do is get off her butt a bit more but she breaks her neck to avoid doing anything for anyone but herself
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so I had sheets and towels etc when I was 16.
.
fwiw, my mum and I never had a terrible relationship, we were just too similar, we clashed so much. But I can honestly say she is my best friend now. She is so strong and brave and inspirational, and I'm so glad I had her when I was a feral little biatch lol.
You're a legend Lu 
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