Heart_Healings I am sorry to hear about what has happened to you and your Shanti and how you are feeling. I completely agree with Butterfly Child you didn't do anything wrong to cause this to happen.

I can relate to how you are feeling on most levels especially feeling your broken and faulty. I also feel like no-one understands, especially not my husband who seems to be minimising what I have lost.

As for thinking its a sign to not have a child of your own I don't think so and I won't stop trying until I have another child or that trying again isn't an option for me anymore. I am devastated to not be able to try again at this time and that makes me so sad that my parts are damaged and now missing (lost my tube from ectopic and have damage from adhesions from Endo and bowel disease) its so hard to except that the family I planned wont happen (I wanted 5-6kids) and what is wrong with me. Why can't I get pregnant and when I do why do I loose it. Its very hard to accept and its something I have not accepted at this time.

Grief makes us all act differently for me I only play the piano when I am sad so I am on the opposite spectrum compaired to you there but grief for me makes me play when if I am happy I don't touch it. I hate playing when I am happy as it reminds me of my grief when I have played in the past. Maybe being pregnant with Shanti gave you a new lease in life that brought your creative side back I don't know.

And you will be a good mother when you have another child. Its a protection mechanism I am sure. You don't feel like you can love another child as much as the one you have lost and you feel guilty but in time you will feel that your child was the one you were meant to have earth bound despite the grief you feel at not sharing the next so many years enjoying the company of Shanti.

As for the spots stress and grief and miscarriage does all sorts of strange things to your hormones. I too look like a spotty run down old woman much older then I am. When your cycle returns and life improves I am sure your spots will go away or get back to whats normal for you. Thinking fo you at such a difficult time