Mixed Emotions - Hopeful, Anxious, Angry, Sad ....

[Faith Hope and Love]

Hello, I am new to this forum so not familiar with it but am looking for support from others experiencing the same challenges as me.

My husband and I are healthy 32 year olds with an (almost) 4 year old beautiful little boy.

A couple of years ago I prematurely gave birth to a stillborn baby boy due to his heart not forming properly. It was an 11 hour labour and natural, drug free birth - very difficult. To this day I am still not sure how I did it.

We have been trying to conceive again for 12+ months but have "unexplained infertility". We have tried natural, clomid, naturopathy etc and have now made the decision to do IVF at Concept with Dr Graeme Thompson.

My first IVF attempt was cancelled as I overstimulated and it was too dangerous to continue. I am now trying my second IVF attempt and my oestrogen levels arent yet where they need to be so they are increasing my injection dosage for a couple of days before I give another blood test to see where my levels are. The problem is I am so worried they are going to cancel another attempt that I am feeling quite anxious and teary.

I know I am only on my second attempt and there are people who have tried many many more than this but I just dont know how many more "hits" my heart can take. It has already been a very long journey just to get here. I am also aware at how very lucky I am to have my gorgeous 4 year old but I so desperately want to give him a sibling.

I dont think I can stand hearing one more person say to me "stop trying so hard and it will happen" or "if it is meant to happen it will" etc.

I am surrounded by people at the moment who are having their 2nd, 3rd, 4th healthy pregnancies and babies and although I am totally happy for them and wouldnt wish any differently, it just reminds me how hard my journey is.

I was wondering if anyone had any stories or advise they could share with me to help me through this difficult process. Many thanks.

[*Ash*]

I am sorry that I can't offer you any answers. I couldn't read about your journey without extending my sincerest wishes that you will soon be holding a healthy little bubba in your arms. I am sad to read about your angel baby. Hugs to you, and welcome to BB.

[Babyluv]

Thinking of you Hun & hoping someone can offer you advice soon!

[forshelby]

Oh honey, my heart hurts for you.

Nobody understands the loss of a child until it happens to them. It affects every aspect of our lives so deeply, and I understand the need to have a baby in your arms. It's especially hard when it seems there's a pregnancy convention being held around you. Don't beat yourself up for not bursting with excitement for those who are more fortunate. It's okay to feel a bit low.

To give birth drug free, all natural to your goodbye baby is just amazing. You must be an incredibly strong woman, and your boy is lucky to have such a tough mumma. And if you want to smack those who tell you 'it'll happen when it's meant to', by all means, DO SO! I hated hearing stuff like that too. My all time least favourite was 'everything happens for a reason'. I would just LOVE to know what the reason was for my miscarriage. So far nobody has been able to answer that question. And damn them for even saying that. It just opens up a lot of what if's and why's.

Sorry to go off on a bit of a rant there, I just get so wound up over people's insensitive comments. I feel for you darling, I really do. Be gentle on yourself, and try to think as positively as you can. It's ok to have negative thoughts, the key is challenging them. Whenever one springs up, question it. Ask yourself if that is truly what is going to happen, or if it's just your fears talking.

You can do this. And we're all here to support you. Just take it one day at a time. It's okay to be afraid. Courage is not the absense of fear... it's doing something despite its presence.

xoxo

[Faith Hope and Love]

I am sorry that I can't offer you any answers. I couldn't read about your journey without extending my sincerest wishes that you will soon be holding a healthy little bubba in your arms. I am sad to read about your angel baby. Hugs to you, and welcome to BB.

Thank you so much for your kind words, it really does help. xxx

Thinking of you Hun & hoping someone can offer you advice soon!

Thank you xxx

Oh honey, my heart hurts for you.

Nobody understands the loss of a child until it happens to them. It affects every aspect of our lives so deeply, and I understand the need to have a baby in your arms. It's especially hard when it seems there's a pregnancy convention being held around you. Don't beat yourself up for not bursting with excitement for those who are more fortunate. It's okay to feel a bit low.

To give birth drug free, all natural to your goodbye baby is just amazing. You must be an incredibly strong woman, and your boy is lucky to have such a tough mumma. And if you want to smack those who tell you 'it'll happen when it's meant to', by all means, DO SO! I hated hearing stuff like that too. My all time least favourite was 'everything happens for a reason'. I would just LOVE to know what the reason was for my miscarriage. So far nobody has been able to answer that question. And damn them for even saying that. It just opens up a lot of what if's and why's.

Sorry to go off on a bit of a rant there, I just get so wound up over people's insensitive comments. I feel for you darling, I really do. Be gentle on yourself, and try to think as positively as you can. It's ok to have negative thoughts, the key is challenging them. Whenever one springs up, question it. Ask yourself if that is truly what is going to happen, or if it's just your fears talking.

You can do this. And we're all here to support you. Just take it one day at a time. It's okay to be afraid. Courage is not the absense of fear... it's doing something despite its presence.

xoxo

I'm not quite sure how to reply to a thread - I hope you get this.
Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. It really does help and is much appreciated. xxxxx

[AJello]

A couple of years ago I prematurely gave birth to a stillborn baby boy due to his heart not forming properly. It was an 11 hour labour and natural, drug free birth - very difficult. To this day I am still not sure how I did it.

I think I you r one brave amazing woman.... I salute to your courage!

The problem is I am so worried they are going to cancel another attempt that I am feeling quite anxious and teary.

Cry if you need to. Let that flow, girl, let it flow... you will be more anxious if you try to hold it!

I dont think I can stand hearing one more person say to me "stop trying so hard and it will happen" or "if it is meant to happen it will" etc.

When I had my MC last month, so many had sad the "wrong" thing to me. I got even more upset and nearly burst into tears everytime. Then I realise that when it comes to the matter or MC or TTC it is a topic that not many ppl can sympathise - not even my normally sympathetic girl friends.... I slowly learned to just tell myself, they just "means good" since they are lost for words and didn't know what to say but desparatly finding words to comfort me. I know, there were times I want to punch them in the face.....

I am surrounded by people at the moment who are having their 2nd, 3rd, 4th healthy pregnancies and babies and although I am totally happy for them and wouldnt wish any differently, it just reminds me how hard my journey is.

*hugs... hugs** I know... I know... there were times I cried when ever I saw a baby/ pregnant woman in the shopping centre. I didn't shop for a month!! I know I know...

I was wondering if anyone had any stories or advise they could share with me to help me through this difficult process. Many thanks.

Sorry I don't have much practical help for you... but I want you to know you are not alone here....

*more hugs more hugs*