Everyone - I can't thank you enough for your incredibly kind words of support. Although I am shedding a tear, each time I read a post it is helping me to feel it. I had felt myself shutting off a little bit, but I know the only way to heal is to go through all the pain first. Very daunting but necessary.

This time I think I'll be looking for a bit of extra help to get through it - will be starting counselling as soon as I can. I think I used up all my reserves of strength getting through my last m/c.

I think I'll also be looking for some answers. I am saddened that according to the medical profession I must go through this again in order to be classed as "recurrent" and get access to tests and clinics. At my strong insistence I have got a referral from my ob for the recurrent m/c blood tests, but she downright refuses any tests to check out my uterus and tubes etc saying that I have one healthy child so therefore everything there must be all right (?). She also said next time I am pg there is "no point" doing reg scans around the time of my losses for peace of mind as it "won't help". No, maybe not to save the baby if anything is wrong but it will stop me going insane and if something happens to the baby I'll know sooner...I'll be seeing my wonderful GP this week to talk to her about a referral to the most sympathetic gyno she can think of ... maybe even fs? Next time round I want to know I've looked into everything I could. Also maybe different ob next time too - she is wonderful when you're pg but kind of switches off when you lose a pg.

Jen - as for waiting 4 months - that was according to ob advice again. I think I'll wait to see what the testing after the d&c says and decide where to go from there. After the last m/c I wanted to be pg again NOW, but this time not so sure. But then, not sure if I gave myself lots of time and it happened again how I would feel...

D&C now scheduled for Tuesday - am holding this baby close until then and giving it every bit of love I have. I wish it could know just how sorry I am...

You are the best bunch of girls ever, and thanks again. I have felt every single one of those hugs ... here's a big one back. I will continue to lurk, (as this is my second home!), and maybe soon I can join you again when I feel brave enough to get back on the rollercoaster...