Sorry to hear about you losing your precious magical baby Yeti. The pain is still so raw and that is normal - it only just happened. There are quite a few of us here who have lost babies for whatever reason and underneath we all feel the same and have felt the same way through our grieving stages. What you are feeling is normal. Trying to find "how and when do i pick myself up (and why bother)" is the hardest part.
I didn't want to be alive anymore when we lost our son - but that thought only stayed with me for a few moments. Once my friends started visiting it got me off my backside as i had to "tidy up the place" before they came, however before that i would just be lying on my bed staring at the wall. I think trying to get some normality back was a big step - i actually got off my backside to do something (although little) and knew that was a step forward.
It is a very difficult time and i can say it does get easier as time goes on (doesn't "time heal" ?). Not saying i do not cry - I DO - and i still get very angry. The first thing i said to my DH when we found out our son had died was "we can get through this and this is only going to make us closer and stronger". So far so good - although i must say we argue a bit more than we used to. We are very much alike and understand each other quite well so i think that is keeping us together. Plus we will not let somethign like this tear us apart.
I don't know about trying to stop coping with Yeti's death. How can one do that - i don't think it is something that you can escape. Just take each day as it comes and if you need to cry (even if you are out shopping or at work) JUST DO IT. Don't worry about what people think. Talk to people about it - i find this helps alot. And if you have some sort of counselling service then use it. Very helpful.
I wish you well in the coming months - they will be tough. And i also wish you the best with TTC - that is a step forward.
We are all here always - every day. So keep popping in to say hello and tell us how you are feeling. Take care
I have tears running down my face as I read your story because the words you are saying I said myself not that long ago. May I say that Yeti, and the meaning is such a wonderful name. There are other women in here who have lost babies my cord accidents, and I am sure that as soon as they see your post they will pop in to offer comfort and support.
I lost my son, my first child also, at 36 weeks 2 days and I didn't see how it was possible for my life to continue. People would be talking to me and I would be in such a dark corner of my mind that their words would simply bounce of me. Nothing made sense.
It hurts really badly, this pain is worse that can be explained in words but know that you are not alone and the grief that you feel is normal. You are doing the right thing, feel what you need to feel now, because if you hide how you are feeling, it will be years down the track and it will creep up and consume you. Grief is a roller coaster, there is no rule book about how to cope with it, but we are here to help you on this journey. One thing I know for sure is that yo u shouldn't feel pressured to be better, unfortunately we will never be better, but a day will come when you find a way to continue and a way to see through this pain. I promise you, that day will come.
For about the first 4 months after I lost my son, I barely made it out of the house. My husband tried to get me out of the house, but I distinctly remember making small goals, like getting up, having a shower and getting in the car. Just getting to the end of the street and back seems like such an acomplishment. I can now function much better and I have just marked my son's 8 month birthday. My DH was the same as yours by the sounds of it, men grieve in different ways. Many of the ladies in here will same thing about their DH. Men seem to want to get back to work, get busy, that is their way of coping. But I think women greive much more openly, we need to communicate how we are feeling as part of the healing process so that is why this forum has basically saved me from losing my mind.
So please please don't put too much pressure on yourself. Take your time, Keep talking, we are all here to listen.
Aunty M - I am so sorry to read about your precious son Yeti, what a special name you gave him As the other girls have said what you are feeling is 100% normal, everytime I read of another Mummys pain from losing their child it echoes my own thoughts and feeings. Although in saying that we do all experience these emotions at a different rate and in a different way (if that makes sense).
I also lost my son, at 36w1d in September last year. I have grieved a little differently to what I have heard from most. After the loss of my son, while I didnt ignore his death and I cried every day, I through myself back into life, before his funeral I went on a shopping mission to buy him a little outfit and teddy bear to go in his coffin with him. My DH and I went to dinner and the movies alot. I went back to work after 4 weeks and I was coping fine, still crying but other than that appeared to be coping well. Everyone commented on how well I was doing. I kept my grief hidden by my determination to TTC and worried about everyone around me and what they were going through. After a while I started to get very angry at the people who felt I should be "better" now, and in alot of ways I still carry that anger around now but I am trying to let it go. As the months continued to go by I deteriorated greatly, I could barely get through a day at work without crying. That was when I could get myself out of bed. I started taking my emotions out on everyone around me, my DH, my mum. I do believe what has contributed to this is our inability to conceive. Eventually with the help of my sister I realised something was not right. I went to the dr and was told I had PND and put on anti-depressants. I felt like such a failure! But after I started these I was a new person. Although I will never be the Mel I once was, I at least started to resemble that person. I still felt the pain of losing Nicholas but I was able to cope with the pain. I have just weaned myself off the anti-depressants but I realise it is only a trial, but I am willing to give it a go because I do not want to be dependant on them long term. I was told by my dr that when I said I didnt want to be on them that PND is an imbalance of hormones and coupled with the grief it is so much more than my head can cope with. He said they will balance out the hormones allowing me to see more clearly and more logically and I have to say that they did. As I said I still have my days of depression - yesterday being one of them. But the depression is more sadness rather than "bad" thoughts if you know what I mean. I think the reason I was able to cope in those early months is because I was, as you said, numb. I felt so many things that it all just mixed together and I ended up not knowing what I felt - which is numbing.
Please dont think that I am in any way trying to tell you to go out and get some meds, I am not saying that at all. But just dont feel you are a failure or anything of the sort if it comes to this. I would not necessarily be a long term thing. I felt so ashamed of the fact I was on meds that I didnt even mention is in the TTC thread for a couple of months because I thought I would have been judged. Stupid thought though, they are the most supportive women I have known. I agree that numbness feels better than the alternative, but the problem with always feeling numb means that you are just not feeling. And if you are not feeling you cannot work through your grief, it is a long road. I am still trying to figure out how to do it 9 months later, now I just try to take each day as it comes and hope for the best.
If you feel comfortable come and join us in the TTC thread. Not everyone was TTC when they joined, in fact most werent. But you will gain so much support from us all. As Spring said, without BB I would have lost my mind. I do have a supportive family who still feel the pain of Nicholas' death but it is just somehow different to communicate with women who understand you and what you feel. If you want to post or even just lurk for a while, this is the link: TTC after Stillbirth/ Recurrent Miscarriage or Loss after 1st Trimester June 07 #2
I am sorry this has ended up being really long and it wasnt my intention, I just wanted to put another spin on the grieving pattern. And can I say once more I am not in any way trying to encourage anti-depressants.
Huge :hugs: for you and I hope you can find the support here that I have over all of these months.
Love Mel
Last edited by Mel1977; June 9th, 2007 at 01:29 PM.
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