Looking for help for friend who will lose one of her twins

[Spring Angel]

I totally agree with Auntie M. Just be with her and let her feel the pain. So many people try to make it better and that really only delays the intense grief that she will feel.

When I lost my son's one of the midwifes baked a birthday cake and gave it to us. It was the most touching gesture because she had shown that it wasn't that our son had died, it was more so that an angel was born.

I have hand prints, foot prints and a lock of hair. I also wished that I had more photos because it is all a blur at the time and now I spend hours pouring over all the details of his face. Perhaps the surviving twin would like a photo with their sibling. I don't know if it would be possible but even if you could get a black and white photo of the twins hands or feet together, it would be very treasured by the surviving twin I'm sure.

The last thing is a practical thing, cook meals, get her keys and do a complete clean of her house, help with the laundry.

Grief is such an unpredictable thing, it makes us sometimes say and do things we wouldn't normally so please don't be offended if one day she wants you to be with her and the next day she won't take your calls. Just be there, she won't forget it. This is the begining of a very long journey, she is very lucky to have a wonderful friend such as you.

Lv Spring

[feeb]

Ohh what a sad sorry i am crying just reading it.

You sound like u are being an amazing help to her and support.

There is a company in melb that comes to hospitals and does the moulded hand and foot casts that are gold or silver plated. the hospitals should have contact details for them.

As other have said cooking and cleaning and photos would mean a lot to her i am sure.

[Eden]

Firstly, I really feel for your friend. A good friend of mine also had TTTS, and it was a highly stressful time for all, but they had a good outcome with no major lasting effects known (as yet). As a mother I can't imagine having to go through what your friend will. It sounds as though you are being a really lovely friend to her, well done.

Encourage her to make full use of services such as social workers etc - she may not want to pursue it, but it will help in her recovery. You could even speak with the hospital staff now to find out what the usual procedures are in the situation of loss, so you can support her fully. The hospital staff may even be able to give you some ideas regarding the questions you've asked here?

I think it's important to acknowledge both twins equally i.e If you buy a card & teddy for one, buy it for the second twin too. Talk to your friend about the twin she lost, if you are strong enough then look at photos of him/her with your friend.

I'd be buying her a journal (if she's not already using one now) so she can record her thoughts & feelings leading up to the birth, then about the birth itself. I'd also give her a magnetic notepad, and tell her use it when she gets home to write anything & everything down that they need help with around the house etc - even if it's just things like folding a basket of washing - so that when you (and others) visit they can have a quick glance at the list stuck on the fridge to see what they can help with.

As for the photography, there is an Australian group of photographers which have formed a charity to take pictures of premature or sick babies, and I believe also stillborns. I got in contact with the service for my friend whose baby was born 6 weeks early - they were fantastic and my friend recieved a CD of the 20 photos taken plus 4 prints at no charge whatsoever.

Your friend may or may not want photos, but personally I think it could help her grief in the future, so if you are interested the website is the Australian Charity of Child Photographers.

Eden.