Trying to Conceive after Still Birth/ Late Loss/Recurrant Miscarriage ~ December 2008

Welcome Theresa and Beata. So sad that you have to join us but glad that you have found us. We are all hoping that 2009 brings us our earth angels. I'm sending an extra sprinkling of baby dust to you both for the New Year!

Laney: happy birthday I hope you got exactly what you wanted on your special day.

Helen: yay for the flutters and bugger about the BH. If its any consolation I remember reading about them starting really early in pregnancy and it being completely normal. Lets hope the next 2 weeks fly by and you will soon have the reassurance you need. Is there any other option for you in terms of having a check up between now and then so you can put your mind at ease?

DD: sounds like you've been having such a rough time of it. Lets hope the emotion and nausea are from a BFP and not what you think. I know that is usually my first sign of being pregnant (after the sore boobies) I just start crying at the drop of a hat. Not saying you didn't have good reason to be upset but I'm just trying to be optimistic about a good PGT result!!

Tildy: sounds like you have a crazy and delightful few days ahead with your in-laws. How lovely that you will have everyone there to make a fuss over Kebab and your big belly. I remember with Ethan just being so excited that he was loved by so many people even before he was born. Its lovely to think of Kebab being a part of all that craziness this time next year!

Megan: Im glad you are trying to focus on being grateful for what you have in your life rather than what you don't. Supposedly gratitude is the first step to abundance so its a good way to go. I am looking forward to us both having some exciting BFP news early in the New Year.

Lan: sounds like DH better watch out!! I know mine can't wait. AF is due between xmas and New Years and then all bets are off! I think I will pee my pants with excitement when you get your BfP!!

Hi to everyone else. I will hopefully have time for a proper xmas post tomorrow or Wednesday.

Beata, I am sending positive thoughts from now for a successful op, speedy recovery and a BFP next cycle. As you probably read, we are starting a tsunami of BFPs in the new year so you better be on that wave with us!

Helen WOO HOO for the flutters! How very exciting. Sorry not sure what BH means? I am sure the next few weeks will fly by with all the festivities then you can be reassured that everything is ok. I have every faith in your strong, long cervix!

Oh thank you Helen and Paula for being so optimistic but I think my vomiting fit was from stress, and I am an emotional wreck at the best of times anyway! I had a bit of spotting tonight so I think the big fat ugly witch is on her way. I am CD27 so its a few days early. DH, God love him, was googling "spotting" and is convinced it is implantation spotting. I really hate letting him down, it upsets me so much. I was so hoping I would fall this month so bubs would be due on my mum's birthday. Nurse said I still have to go for the pg bt tomorrow to be sure, but I am not hopeful.

I have decided to take the day off tomorrow (anticipating a sh*t day) so won't be able to check up on you all until tomorrow night when DH comes home with laptop.

Big hugs and lots of love to everyone.

Oh good luck Diana, it ain't over till it's over! Many of us girls have had spotting in early pregnancy, so I am still crossing my fingers.

Hey hgirs, I can imagine the waiting period is hell, but you can do it ! Christmas will be a good distraction for you. Sending lots of positive vibes your way and big belly rubs for your bubba.
My fibroid was already big before I got pregnant, but it got really agro when the uterus started expanding. Blood supply got cut off, and the firboid started degenerating ( dying ) and it all went downhill from there. My OB was really shocked that this was the outcome as he didn't think the firboid was going to be a problem that early in my pregnancy. He doesn't want to leave anything to chance so he's gonna remove it.

MrsRobbo, thanks for your extra sprinkling of baby dust ! Let's hope 2009 is our year.

dd0207, thanks so much for your lovely thoughts and wishes. You'll probably be hearing lots from me when I'm sore and feeling sorry for myself when I'm off for 6 weeks post opp. ( sorry in advance !! ). I'd love to ride the tsunami of BFP wave with you all !

Love and hugs
Beata.

Thanks to you all for your welcome.

hgirs, dd0207, Tildy, Berry1 and MrsRobbo - your words and kind thoughts bring me comfort so thank you for taking the time to respond to me.

I am really struggling at the moment as Zachary would have been 5 months old on Christmas Eve. Also, after not conceiving again - it is all so disappointing. I thought we might at least have some good news to end 2008 with but it is not to be.

hgirs - all the best of wishes for your scan :goodluck:

beata70 - I am sorry for your loss. Good luck for your operation and all the best of success for a speedy recovery.

dd0207 - :goodluck: for your test tomorrow. I will be praying for you for a BFP!!! Thank you for your kind words and I hyope I can offer as much to you and all the other girls.

Tildy - yes it has been difficult especially since we only had 1 week and 2 days to go as they were going to induce me at 38 weeks.We had so many plans and this result was certainly not what we expected at all. We had just got Zachary's room finished on the Sunday and we were all set to go. I still have days when I feel like I am trying to wake up from a nightmare.

I am in tears just thinking about my little boy and the Christmas we were meant to share and now can't.

I hope you all get the results you want (and deserve) in 2009.

Theresa xx

Hi Teresa,

Reading your post, I feel your pain and it brings tears to my eyes. I am so very sorry for the loss of your little Zachary. I think back to my own loss, and I wish we didn't have to go through that pain. My heart aches for you, I am thinking of you at this difficult time. This time should be filled with joy but instead it's a reflection of what could have been, and we can't help but think someone so loved is missing in our lives.

I'm sorry 2008 didn't end on a more positive note for you, but I hope 2009 brings you the joy you so deserve and much peace.

Thanks so much for your kind wishes.

Love and hugs
Beata.

Just want to send lots of positive baby vibes to DD for tomorrow. I hope you get the BFP you long for...but if not just know that your next baby is just waiting for the perfect moment to come along. Make sure you post the results. Fingers crossed!!!

Welcome to Beata and Zachary'sMum. I am so sorry to read of the passing of your precious boys. I hope you find comfort and support here amongst these very special women. Trust that no matter what you tell us, we will all be nodding our heads and understanding. The TTC journey after losing your baby is a tough one, but also comes with its own rewards. :hug:

Welcome Beata, sorry there is a need for you to join us here :hug:. Sounds like you have had a difficult time. I am sure you are nervous about the op, but its great that it is coming up soon so you can get on with TTC again. I am sure you are in good hands.

Helen, great news about the flutters :dance:


Theresa, thinking of you. I do hope you get through Christmas ok. It is very cruel that this happened so close to you being induced. The fact that you conceived Zachary is a great sign that you will conceive again. Zachary will always be in your heart, never to be replaced, but I am sure that you will have a baby in your arms one day. All the best for TTC in 2009. A lot of us here are with you! :bluedust:

Diana, here's hoping - :noaf:

Hello to everyone else.

Take care all & Merry Christmas.

:hug:Hi Berry1,

Thank you so much for your welcoming and reassuring message. I really am feeling so much better and more positive about the op since I realise that the sooner it's done the quicker I can try for a bub again. I am so sorry for your loss, it's still so fresh and so raw, you are in my heart and in my thoughts .

Theresa, I am so sorry for misspelling your name ! :redface:

love and hugs

Beata.

Thank you Katiegirl for welcoming me to your wonderful group. I really feel like I have found a place I fit in. I feel I am being understood, sadly by women who have gone through the same heart breaking experience ( oh how I wish we didn't have to ). Only you can truly understand, and feel my pain. I also feel your pain, and am so happy that you now have a beautiful bub to love and cherrish.

Love and hugs
Beata.

Wow!! hard to keep up with everyone's happenings at present!!!

Firstly, welcome to Theresa and Beata. You both have such sad and familiar stories, my deepest sympathies to you as you spend Christmas without your babies. Theresa, I think you may have posted your story but I can't recall, did they find a cause for Zachary's passing? 35 weeks is so tough, so close.

Beata, I hope your surgery goes well. I think we're probably in a similar position with regards to the uterus scar, I had to have a C-section but because the lower, non-muscular part of the uterus doesn't form till 28 weeks or so the scar may end up in the muscular part which makes labour more dangerous with a higher risk of uterine rupture. But aside from that and a higher risk of placenta accreta (which can be monitored and managed) you should be in prime baby-making shape soon!!!

Diana, your DH sounds like a gem, I can't picture mine googling spotting haha!! I had implantation spotting as well, both times, it's not over till it's over!!

Helen, I am with you on the BH... I have them all the time, like hourly, and got them from 16 weeks at the latest. I was quite perplexed as I was in bed and I'd wake up and my belly was all hard and all on one side, was odd, I asked the midwife and she said it was prob BH which we can get from like 8 weeks or something, and the uterus often moves around to make way for the other organs. They're super obvious now, strangely I can't remember them all first time round...

Tildy, hope you have a great time at the in-laws. And can I add, having had a north hemisphere Christmas before there are MANY advantages to having it in summer!! Such as nice weather, summer holidays at the same time, lovely seasonal fruit, veges, seafood etc...

Laney, happy birthday, hope it was as nice as it could have been... I had my b'day a few months ago and it was hard as I expected to have my baby before my 28th birthday (and I thought I'd have had one before my 27th but it took so long to fall first time round) so it's a very bittersweet thing. But it's easier once it's over I think. Hope your boy starts giving you nice strong kicks.

Hi to everyone else, wishing speedy BFPs to all the tryers.

As for me, had a bit of a meltdown yesterday... DH went to put up the Christmas tree and I said I'd rather he didn't as I was trying to avoid obvious reminders of Christmas... he asked why and I said because Christmas was supposed to be a very specific way this year (I would have a 4 month old and he would play with my sister's 5 month old), and he got upset and told me I had to talk to him because he's not a mind reader, and I said I try to talk to him about it but he doesn't really respond, and he says he's trying to not be negative and upset me and it went on from there... he seems to equate talking about Edward with being negative about this pregnancy. I told him I don't and grieving for our first child is a separate issue to our second. I don't think he really got it but anyway, I suppose it was a good vent, I had a good cry and relived everything.

Baby has taken to kicking me quite hard in the bladder and cervix, can be quite uncomfortable. But I do love feeling he/she so much. I can't quite believe I'm coming to the end of the second trimester... As I said before though I'm having HEAPS of BH, has anyone else had them every hour?

Anyway, my parents are arriving today so we're madly cleaning. I wish you all love on a day that will be bittersweet at best, hoping we can all look forward to bubs in our arms next Christmas.

Love Rozzie

I can sympathise with you Rozzie, your DH sounds a bit like mine! I said something the other day about not seeing Cooper do all the things Corey is doing, and he just kinda says he doesn't like to think about those sorts of things it's too sad/negative. I feel myself getting defensive/protective for Cooper as to me I sometimes feel that he is trying to block him out rather than remember him, but I have to remind myself it's just his way. I think as mother's we just feel so different.

Hi Rozzie,

Thanks very much for your well wishes, I can't wait to get that op over and done with, so I can begin to heal and look forward to ( hopefully ) a new pregnancy. My OB did mention an almost certain c section next time as the uterus may rupture otherwise. I have to say I was a bit dissapointed as I would have loved a vaginal delivery, but at the end of the day if I get a healthy bub that's what really counts.

I'm sorry you've had a blue with your DH, I actually find my fiancee is the same as he finds talking about Joshua upsetting, whereas I love talking about him as it makes me feel closer to him. I didn't want to put up a xmas tree this year as well, but he's so big on xmas that I just went with the flow. I would have been 34 weeks pregnant at Christmas so it makes me feel really sad that it's going to be so different to what I expected....
Enjoy this Christmas knowing your little bub on the way is celebrating with you too.

hgirs, men are so different aren't they ???? That will never change, we just do/deal with situations differently....

Good luck ladies with your pregnancies, enjoy every bit of it !

Hope everyone has a great Christmas and a wonderful 2009 filled with beautiful surprises ! Lots of Babydust to all TTC.

Love and hugs

Beata.

Beata xxx

Girls, I adore you all so much for your thoughts and positive vibes but lets get the bad news over and done with. Spotting last night turned into the ugly unwelcome fat witch this morning so I knew I would get a BFN today. Needless to say, I am devastated and :crying: all day. I went to the beautician this arvo to de-hair and the first thing this stupid little girl said to me was "I love Xmas. Do you have excited kids at home waiting for Santa?? :o I burst into tears right on the spot and said "I have a baby boy and if he was alive, Im sure he would have been excited". She was mortified. I was sobbing so much but managed to get out "I bet you will think twice about asking that question now wont you?" I feel like such a b*tch and it really is an ok question to ask most women BUT NOT US AND NOT TODAY!! She gave me a hug, a box of tissues then didnt say another word!

My FS is on holidays but he is coming in to see me tomorrow to discuss next steps. I may try another round of IUI but I think he wants to get the big guns out and try IVF so I have a lot of thinking to do tonight.

Theresa, I am so sorry you are feeling down. Wish I could reach through the screen and give you a :hug:. I personally cant wait until this bloody "festive" period is over. It only emphasises our pain and what we are missing out on. Agggrrrrr.

Beata, I am so glad you feel at home with us and yes, chat away while you are recovering. We are always here for you.

Rozzie, sorry about your meltdown. As stated above, I think this time of year is lethal to us and some men just dont get it unfortunately. My DH is wonderful, when I was pg he googled his little heart out, read all the books and gave me the low down of where bubs and I were at each day! However, he doesn't talk about Sebastian much and chooses to focus on the future so I guess that is his way of dealing with things. How exciting for you to be feeling all those big kicks! Enjoy spending time with your parents.

Lan & Tildy, hope you are enjoying your time away.

Hey, noone answered my "What is BH"?? question. I have a feeling I should know but please dont think me dumb!

So anyway, am back on the TTC journey and am excited to be sharing it with so many of you lovelies.

Hello to everyone else and hope you are all doing well.:grouphug:

Diana, I waited all day to hear your news, just wasn't the news we wanted, I'm sorry. I am with you I can't wait till Xmas is over, we had a shocker last year, and now with all that's happened this year... But 2009 will be the year for all of us I am hoping like mad! BH - sorry I meant to answer that and forgot, Braxton Hicks! Big hugs for today, it really is hard.

Thanks Helen. I couldn't wait until DH came home so I could get online and get some hugs from you all. Noone else knows we are TTC so felt really alone today. I am soooo grateful I have you all.

We have all certainly had a hard and emotional couple of years haven't we. Here's to 2009!

Thanks for the BH clarification!

Hellooo! Came back from the coast early as spending 24hrs a day everyday with my nieces and nephews was more than my little heart could bear so DH and my mum and I escaped early.

Had to get on right away to see how you guys are doing and had such a fright when I read the beginning of Diana's message about bad news. AF is a total cow but relative to the kind of bad news we've all had, she is minor and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Not that I don't acknowledge how disappointed you are, Diana.

We are all having such a hard time. I don't know what to say that hasn't been said. I wish I could physically hug you all. Special welcoming hugs to Beata and Zachary's Mom.

Where is Jo? I'm worried. I messaged her on Facebook last week and haven't heard back. Katie, do you have any other ways of contacting her?

Paula, you always make me laugh. I hope I make you pee with excitement soon then :-)))) I'm now on CD19. No crazy phantom pregnancy signs this time. Too busy feeling sorry for myself, I think.

Hugs and huge love to you all.

xoxoxox

Thanks Lan, sorry for the fright. You are right, after what we have all been through, she is sooooo minor and I will not give her another thought. I also demand she stays away from us for the next 10 months! It is all up to you to get us a BFP before end of year! :pray:

Sorry you had to escape early. Oh it is all so hard :hug:

I have a house full of family for Xmas Eve dinner tomorrow night and I just want to call and cancel. Boo to all things Xmas related...

Oh girls you are just so funny ! ( I feel right at home )

Diana ( aka dd0207 aha ! I now know your name now ) I'm sorry hun for the set back. But you know, it's only a wee one and a small hurdle. You'll get there hun, I know 2009 will be a good year for us.
I know what you mean about xmas, I'm putting on a brave face for DF but I also find myself thinking heaps of Joshua, and it makes me sad :crying:.
PS Good on you for telling that beautician girl exactly how you felt instead of pretending everything is OK. That was nice of her to give you a hug and a box of tissues....Sending you a huge hug hun :hug:

Hammi, thanks for your welcome hun, I'm really liking this group of all you lovely girls, there is so much support here.

Hugs hugs to all

Beata xx

Hello all you wonderful ladies!

Beata70 - Thanks - it is so hard. I never imagined this is how our Christmas would turn out and my heart is breaking. I can't stop crying and everything is upsetting me and I am getting so angry at all these people who are celebrating when I feel like dying! I never thought life could be so unfair. I will keep praying that we all get our BFP's in 2009. Oh - and the name thing is fine - it happens all the time lol

Katiegirl - thanks for the welcome. I have felt so much better in myself with all these wonderful ladies to talk to. I known it is an awful place to be but at least I know everyone here understands what I am going through- Instead of people who "imagine" what it's like!

Berry1 - thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it more than you know.

Rozzie27 - I kow what yo mean about the Christmas thing. I have not put up any decorations or even aknowledged it is Christmas. I a making a sacrifice by going to DP's parents (with my parents) for Christmas dinner (and I am dreading it as there will be 14 people there and I am not in a festive mood at all). We got Zachary;s autopsy results and there was no conclusive reason for his death. All his organs were normal and they could not find a reason. I am glad he was fine but it makes it harder to accept. I keep thinking - if he was so healthy, why did he die?

dd0207 - I just want all this hooha to be over with too! I can't wait for everyone to get back to reality! I miss my Zachary so much. He would have been 5 months old tomorrow so I am not quite sure how I am going to be tomorrow. I just hope I can get through the day at work without having a meltdown. I am so sorry for your horrid experience - people just don't think (unfortunately). My thoughts and prayers are with you xxx

Hammi - welcome back and thanks for the welcome. I feel very at home here and I love the fact that I can just be myself.

Take care everyone and if I don't get a chance tomorrow - I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a new year that sees your dreams coming true xxx

Hi ladies,

Diana, sorry to hear AF arrived, such bad timing she has at the moment!!! I know it's probably no consolation, but it's a good sign that you're body is back in a rhythm, next month you'll be rearing to go. I think good on you for crying in front of that girl. I really think that we feel so alone because losing babies is such a social taboo and people just don't think it happens, I think it's important to be honest about it so that there is more awareness.

Theresa, that is really rough not having a cause for Zachary's loss. Again I hate to do the 'at least' bit because I know it doesn't help, but my OB told me that there is often no cause found, that there is a lot that medicine doesn't know about babies in the womb, and also that a second unexplained loss is extremely rare.

Lan, you did so well to spend some time at all with your nephews and nieces. I've stayed away deliberately, I knew I couldn't deal with it. I hope the rest of your holiday is a bit more restful and you and DH have some quality lazing time together.

Jo, hope you're OK and just too busy with your family to chat, wishing you a nice Christmas with your two earth angels and two heavenly angels.

I cannt sleep in past 6 am these days (unless I have to work, then I have to drag myself out of bed, where is the logic???). Very odd.

Love Rozzie

Hi ladies
Sorry to crash in (some of you know me from the pg area), but I just wanted to let Diana know how sorry I am to hear that horrible wench AF arrived! I have been spying on you and was hoping for good news!
Have a great xmas everyone and I hope all you lovely ladies TTC have lots of luck in 2009.
Jo x

Hi Ladies,

I am so sorry I havent been around. It has been absolutely flat out at work and getting ready for Christmas.

Just wanted to say hello to all the newbies and I hope all your dreams come true.

Also I wish everybody a very Happy Christmas and 2009 is going to be a positive year for all......

xxx Sue xxx

Jo - Hi how are you going in Hospital? I do a bit of spying on you too! I really hope the bed rest is helping, not a nice place to be for Xmas, but none the less the best place to be. I feel like I have a vested interest in you! Has the cervix length got any better? Here's cheers to it getting longer or even stable and you being able to go home in a few weeks.
Merry Christmas (although most of us seem to be having a meltdown at the moment, including me!).
Helen

Hi you lovely ladies,

Well, for those of us who are not really looking forward to xmas, it's almost over....I know it's a really sad time for most of us...

Jo, I hope you're getting plenty of 'good' rest in hospital, and I hope you can go home soon. Like Helen said, you're at the best possible place ATM. Good luck hun ! And thanx for your good wishes in 2009 :)

Sue, it's a girl ! congratulations hun, I hope all goes well.

Diana, sending you huge huge hugs, I know how disappointed your are hun :hug: But don't worry, our time will come soon...I can feel it in my 'waters'....

Hi Theresa, Helen, Rozzie and Hammi, wherever you are I'm sending you all big hugs XXX ( hope I didn't forget anyone...)

PS Laney, I hope you had a lovely birthday !

Once again ( in case I don't post again before xmas ) I wish all you lovely ladies TTC massive amounts of :pink-babydust: and for those carrying little bubs all the very best in your pregnancies ! Merry Christmas to all, let's hope 2009 brings us lovely surprises and is a happy, healthy and safe year for us all :grouphug:

Love
Beata.

I never realised just how hard Christmas would be!!!! It was supposed to be so different! I almost feel like I just can't do this. I want to go to sleep and never wake up - it is just too painful. I miss my little boy so much and I don't know how to cope with him not being here. I thought I was being so strong and doing so well - but I am not.

Sorry for the ranting but I know you will understand and not judge me.

I just wanted to send you a big hug Zacharysmom :hug:

I remember xmas last year for me and it SUCKED. It took me by surprise as I hadn't really known what to expect and then when it hit me it was horrible. I felt so separate to everything that was going on and to all of my family as everyone sat around the xmas food having lunch. You are not alone in feeling how you do.
I also found NY eve incredibly tough last year - not sure if others did. Although it was good to farewell the worst year of my life it was also hard to say goodbye as it had also been the best year of my life where I was blessed with my boy and I wouldn't have changed that for anything, despite how it turned out. Not sure if that makes sense.

I hope everyone else had as good a xmas as they could have xx

Theresa, I'm so sorry you feel such pain. My heart is just breaking for you. I wish I could make you feel better :comfort:. Just know that I'm thinking of you and your angel Zachary, and I'm sending you lots of strength in this difficult and hard time. I'm sending you big, big hugs darl :hug:.
I found myself thinking a lot about Joshua over Christmas, wondering if he'd feel happy inside my belly, celebrating Christams with me, had he still been here....they say bubs are in tune with your emotions when you're pregnant...

Jo, I hope all is going well with you.

Love always

Beata.

HI Everyone,

Just wanted to send everyone my love and thoughts. Christmas is a difficult time when you lose your little ones.

I will not be posting anywhere under the Loss section in 2009 (my NYR;)) so wanted to take this opportunity to wish everyone all the very best in TTC and send my deepest heart felt wishes that all your baby dreams come true.

Beata - Hun I wish you all the love and hugs in the world hope we can be buddies in the same due date group ;)

Bestest Wishes, Love and Hugs for all.

Nae x x x

To all my wonderful BB friends, hello and big hugs.

I wasn't able to log on the past few days as DH left his laptop at work Xmas Eve so I made him go and get it today because a few days without a dose of you all it just way way too much.

I am guessing all of you have a very emotional Xmas day so not even going to bother asking how it went. I cried and cried all day long and was very upset that noone bothered to ask me why - I know that they know why I was sad but nobody even thought to acknowledge my sadness or mention Sebastian, they just ignored me! I am so upset and cranky.

Xmas this year was just horrid and I am so glad it is over. Now we just have to get thru NYE and hope for a more positive year ahead for us all.

Jo! I wasn't able to spy on you the past few days but was thinking of you so much. How are you? Oh how I am praying your cervix is staying nice and long and strong. Are you still in hospital? Tell me everything!

Lots of love
Diana xxx

Hello beautiful girls,

Nae, I so wish and hope for us to be in the 'same due date ' group !!!!! That would be just so fantastic, fingers crossed hun :crossfingers: Huge hugs coming your way ! :hug:

Diana, I'm so sorry hun that you had a crappy day :hug:. No one really asked me about how I was going on xmas day apart from my DF's SIL, which was a total sorprise as I don't really get along with her LOL. Maybe it was because she'd had some wine and was feeling fearless ???!!

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Love
Beata xxx

Can these last few days of 2008 drag on any longer? Please be over this year!

Thinking of you all and feeling what you feel.

Hugs.

Hammi, I have such mixed feelings about 2008. On one hand, it was such an exciting year for me, mentally preparing myself for IVF, then getting pregnant on the first cycle, anticipating all these weird and wonderful things to happen to my body, only for it all to be cut so short in October. So it's been a magical and such a sad year for me all in one, it's a very bittersweet feeling. I can't wait until 2009 begins, but then I feel like I'm saying goodbye to the year my first and only baby was born...don't know, I have mixed feelings...

Love and hugs hun

Beata xxxx

Hi everyone

Beata70 - thank you. I am better today but it has been hell!!! I just kept thinking about how we should have been celebrating with Zachary (he would have been 5 months old). I just can't believe he is not here. Sending you big :hug: back

dd0207 - I had moments of tears too and as soon as I did, everyone left the room! I just wanted some comfort but I just don't think anyone knew how to deal with it. I am sending you the biggest :hug:

AngelLukesMum - thank you. I am finding it hard to sat goodbye too. being pg with Zachary was the best thing that has ever happened to me and I loved being pg. Then it was all taken away 2 weeks before we thought we would be having our little boy.... I am so sad and hurt and angry - still.

I do hope that 2009 is a better year for all of us. We certainly deserve some happiness.

Ladies, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. MY DH and I had an awful Christmas. Much worse than last year. It took me a long time to decide but I went home to visit my family over Christmas. My brother and SIL were going to have their one month old home over Christmas so I knew how emotional it was going to be for me. It was a 6 hour drive in blowing snow. When we got there my DH was taking our bags up to the extra room at my parents house and my mom told him to take everything into the office instead. She said that my brother and SIL decided to stay with my parents at the last minute. I was so upset. I might have been ready to meet their little girl but I was not ready to spend 3 days in the next room. I should have had my little boy with us last year and I should have had my 4 month old little girl this year. I cried about it all night and in the morning I asked my sister if I could stay with her. She told me that I could not stay with them and to stop acting like a spoiled brat. She also said that I will lose the rest of my family (not just my babies) if I don't stop avoiding people! I couldn't even respond to her I have never been so hurt. I was so mad at everyone, myself, my mom for not telling me about my brother and sil, and my sister for never being there for me when I needed her. My DH and I went home that afternoon on Christmas Eve. I spent all day on Christmas crying and I am still not recovered from my family not even trying to understand what I am going through. I am not too sure how the family is ever going to recover from this Christmas. Everyone left with hurt feelings.

Hi girls,

I think we all need a big :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: .

Though I have had 3 miscarriages, all of mine have been before the 12 weeks and though I felt it at Christmas, probably not as much as you girls who have had later losses. My heart goes out to all of you.

Well we are nearly at the end of 2008 and even though I had a successful year, I am so looking forward to 2009 and getting to meet my little girl in May (I wish it was May already). I still have all my worries and hoping she is growing normally and that I will get to meet her. But I have been feeling her move a lot more (especially at night!!!), so that is a lot more reassuring.

People keep on saying to me "wait until she gets bigger and you have feet under your ribs etc etc" and I say "you know what, just that she comes out healthy and successfully, I don't care what I have to put up with".

My DH and I did the BD for the first time yesterday, I was so scared of bleeding etc, but all was good. My DH has been so patient and I must admit, I probably have the best husband in the world!!!.

Girls, I really wish you all the best for 2009 and hoping we have a lot of success in our group. I look forward to celebrating all with you.

xxx Sue xxx

Oh, god, Laney. :(

I've been lurking around during the holidays but haven't responded as we've been up with DH's family and I didn't want to spend too much time at the computer. I've been reflecting on all of the pain you guys are feeling now during the holidays. I feel very lucky in comparison that the holidays are not making anything better or worse for me, as even when pregnant with Beiron I was so focused on the pregnancy and its complications that I never got around to picturing what would come afterwards; and since I'm lucky enough to be confidently pregnant again now I am not suffering the kind of grief that many of you are because of Christmas. My ghosts lie in other areas. However, everything you are all feeling is so perfectly understandable, and I feel deeply for every one of you.

And I really am shocked by Laney's story. I shared it immediately with my DH who is sitting here at his computer next to me, and he just can't believe his ears. I'm so, so sorry that your sister had the incredibly poor judgment to say those things to you. I don't know if she's usually like that or if this was a freak occurrence, but either way I'm crying and angry on your behalf. I have experience with being constantly hurt by a person who is "supposed" to support me and love me (in my case, my mom), so I've had to really step back and deprogram and learn that her opinion does not matter. I'm so sorry that you have to be in this tense family situation. :comfort:

I'm so sad for what you guys are going through, but I'm just trying to close my eyes and imagine future Christmases where you will all be able to be happier and more at peace. I know there's a lot of **** between now and then, but it will be worth it.

Hi girls

Theresa, you're always in my thoughts, I'm sending you massive cyber hugs :hug:

Laney, I'm so sorry for what should have been a festive family gathering ( although hard for you, I can imagine with your brother's baby there ) over the Christmas holidays. What a sad way to spend Christams day, I'm sorry hun. I think sometimes some family members ( especially my mum in my case ) expect us to be 'over' our losses too soon, and that really hurts. My mum and I said some hurtful things to each other over the last couple of months, and although I know she still thinks the way she did at the begining, we have agreed to disagree and I told her once again 'you haven't lost a baby, I have, so I don't expect you to understand'. We are better now, but sadly we don't talk about Joshua as often now, and that hurts.
Sometimes we can't count on our families to know what to do, or say what we would like them to say, but I put it down to them not being in our shoes and therefore not understaning what we're going through. We are the ones that have lost our precious angels, our dreams. Sending you big hugs hon :hug:

Sue, that must be so exciting to feel your baby move, that's one thing that I could never get my head around when I was pregnant and one of my close girlfriends told me about how she used to see little feet/hands poking through the skin !!! Take care hun, fingers crossed for a stress free, easy labour in May and a healthy bub :crossfingers:

Tildy, thanks for your very kind thoughts. I know what you're saying about your mum....don't get me started !

Girls ( for those who are still finding it really hard to deal with their loss ) I'm reading a book called Layla's Story by Vanessa Gorman about a woman who loses her daughter hours after birth. Very powerful and honest book ( too honest sometimes ! ), but it's such a beautiful book that as I'm reading it, I always have a tear running down my cheek ( without even realising it ). Highly recommend it, it deals with issues such as other people not knowing how to deal with our loss. I have nodded to so many things while reading this book ( I haven't finished it yet ) I can really relate to it on so many levels.

Big hello to everyone else :)

Love and hugs

Beata xxx

Hi ladies,

so many sad stories on here at the moment... I can't say it was the same for me, as I simply wasn't brave enough to face the whole family this Christmas. They're all great, but my brother and sister both have little kids and I just couldn't deal with it. So we were at hom for the first time and my parents came down. It was nice and low-key.

Laney, that is just so horrible... I don't mean to be rude but I would be so angry at your family if I were you, that's incredibly hurtful. I think you're very brave for going at all. Personally, during this pregnancy I have deliberately ignored everyone else's needs but DH's and mine, I don't make an effort with my family (except my parents) as it's too painful hearing about their babies and they can just wait until the baby's born because for me, my emotional state while the baby's depending on me is the most important thing. My family has been good about it so far (even though most of them don't know about the pregnancy), I hope that you can put yourself first and not allow them to make you feel guilty for your entirely understandable and justified feelings. You can always repair relationships when everyone's calmed down, has some perspective and you're feeling up to it.

For all the other ladies who had difficult days on Christmas, my hat goes off to you for being so brave. I feel the same way about letting go of 2008 but also looking forward to 2009, it is such a bittersweet feeling. It's made especially worse as everyone else's memories fade and they expect you to be 'over it' or getting better, when our memories don't seem to fade at all. I even get the feeling that DH is 'moving on' when I don't know if I'll ever feel that way... learn to live with it maybe, but never move on.

Hope NYE is more bearable for us all.

Love Rozzie

Oh my gosh Laney - what a terrible xmas for you! I don't blame you for heading back home and really feel for you that your family seem incapable of understanding how tough it is for you. It is especially more hurtful I guess when it is your family hurting you. :comfort:

I am sorry to hear that a few of you had a rough xmas. Mine wasn't that bad really - I think being here in hospital helped to filter out a lot of reality. I even managed to ignore the happy santa that was doing the room to room having photos with the new babies...
I have moved rooms again, hopefully for the final time until I either head home or to Westmead and it is a lot nicer now. I am quite far from the nursery (yay) and the room is much bigger. Aah the little things that make me happy now! ha ha
10 days to go till our next u/s. Not that I am counting or anything :lol:

Syran - its funny how people keep saying stuff about "oh wait till you are getting kicked in the ribs" blah blah. I DON'T CARE!!! She can kick me, give me stretchmarks, haemorrhoids (sp?), whatever - as long as she arrives healthy. I am sure most of us feel that way hey? And yeah, maybe at the end we will all be over it and complaining about those things, but for now bring it on I say!
Although I could do without her kicking my cervix - it freaks me out :)

Love to all x