Trying to Conceive after Stillbirth/Recurrent Miscarriage/Late Loss

Hi girls

Sorry girls - I could not get onto the site last night. I tried for 5 hours!!!

Beata - Good luck for your op. I just know everything is going to go well and you will be fantastic and get your BFP sooner than you think :pray:I will be praying for a speedy recovery. I am still on a high - I am so relieved too and I feel so much "lighter" - if that makes sense?!?!?

Teagz - No I am not feeling sick yet (although I don't even mind if I do) I will take on anything this pregnancy throws my way. I must say that even with all the excitement in our lives I still grieve for Zachary. I am so sorry you are feeling so hurt, I wish I could take away the pain :hug:

Helen - I am so relieved everything is ok! I hope you are all feeling better.

Diana - Some hope for you..... After I had Zachary I had irregular cycles. The first was 28 days the 2nd was 30 days then 29 days and then 32 days - And now I am pg so I am :crossfingers: for you

MrsRobbo - Thanks - you always make me laugh - good for you with the seat thing!! I thought I would change my ticker as what better way to show the universe how positive I am about this baby!

AFM - I had confirmation from my doctor today that the blood test was positive too! I will be calling the OB tomorrow to make an appointment and also my diabetic specialist. Time to get the ball rolling and make sure that everything goes right this time!

Love you all xxxxxx

Good luck for your scan tomorrow Jo. I am sure it will go well (in spite of you being a naughty one and bringing in the washing!!). If I was going to break my bed rest I can tell you it wouldn't be to bring in the washing... maybe to eat a packet of tim tams out of the cupboard (if I was breaking bed rest, I might as well break my health kick as well right!!)

Theresa: yay for the blood tests. Now you're official!! You sound so confident about this pregnancy. If that counts for anything the next 40weeks (well actually 35 weeks + 1 day but whose counting... MEEEEEE) will be completely uneventful and soon we will all be gooing and gaaaing over your baby pics.

Hello,

Theresa, I am sure it was nice to get that confirmation, I am so excited for you! By the way, love your ticker, the stork is so cute, looking forward to see it flying along.

Beata, good luck with your op hun, it will be over before you know it and you'll be in here joining me and the other ttcers.

Lan, thinking of you :hug: If your just reading for now, please take care and do what you need to do. We're here for you.

Teagz, it is so hard when AF comes, especially the first one, it just sucks and feels so unfair not to be preggers. You'll always miss your little boy, but it is great that you can ttc in just a few weeks for another beautiful bub.

Helen, glad you went to the hospital, even if you felt like it wasn't neccessary in the end, you can NEVER be too sure. Glad that everything is alright now. :D

Jo, all the best for the scan, will be exciting for you to see your little one!

Diana, annoying that you haven't O'ed yet, but it also means that there is a little egg to catch! Keep getting some bedroom action every 2nd day :lol: you never know you may get a BFP before trying IVF :crossfingers:

Paula, you made me laugh about the preggers seat :D

Good to hear from Rozzie, Dee and Katie. Hi to everyone else.

Hi gorgeous girls,

Girls, thanks so much for all your good wishes, I am so comforted to know I have such lovely, caring friends ! I don't know if I would be so strong without you pining for me, you really are a great bunch of girls. I'm not so anxious anymore, thanx to you all ! xxx

I'm sorry for the lack of personals tonite, but I just wanted to give you Teagz a big bear hug sweetie. Life really sucks sometimes, hey ? Sometimes men appear to 'be ready' so soon to try again, as they haven't been thru the physical pain of losing a baby. We, women, not only bear the physical scars, but also the emotional ones which is just so much to bear. I hope your hubby can understand and respect your feelings and give you the space you need to grieve properly, before you try again. I know it's hard to look at other women and think it's so easy for them to fall pregnant, but we, in the end, are the stronger ones moulded by our tragic experiences, and we will appreciate our little babies even more, when they come to us. Take care hun, I hope the sorrow in your heart will slowly lift away soon.

Jo, good luck for tomorrow's scan darl, I hope all is well with the nice long and tight cervix, and of course the real star of the show, your bub ! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow xx

Will catch up with you lovely ladies soon, again, thanks so much for your encouragement.

Love always

Beata xxx

Hi girls,

My posts here are going to have to get more few and far between, because sitting on a computer chair seems to be the worst for this pelvic disorder business. So friggin' awesome to be a computer programmer then, huh? At least both of my offices have desks that can be adjusted to standing position, but how fun was it to stand 8 hours today? Another reason to miss being a teacher. :(

Today I want to talk to Teagz! I think you need to have a serious (but loving!) talk with DF, lest your different grieving patterns drive you apart. It's totally normal and common, what the two of you are going through, but sadly, it's also totally common for us men and ladies not to understand each other about it. :( We think differently to begin with, and since you were carrying Jayvan, there is a lot more for your very different female thinking/emotions to deal with.

I started seeing my grief counselor immediately after losing Beiron, and right away to the second session I took DH with me. Even though it had only gone a week and a half or so since the miscarriage, I noticed he was already trying to "fix" or "distract" me. That is so VERY my DH. This is a man who once sat at the other side of the room and stared silently at me when I was bawling my eyes out over something, and when I eventually burst out, "How the hell can you just sit there and stare at me instead of coming over here and holding me?" he answered, "because whenever I hug you when you're crying, you just cry harder! I only make it worse!" It made perfect sense, and yet it was so wrong!

I believe this is not only VERY my DH, but VERY VERY male. When you start to cry, Teagz, DF panics and feels that it's his job to somehow make you stop. You're sad, and he thinks it's his job to make you happy. He might also feel guilty for not being as sad as you, so making you instantly happy will not only fulfill his DF duty but also assuage his guilt. He might try to fix this by encouraging you to move on and be positive, or, if he's like my DH was, he'll just try to distract you. Sit on the other side of the room, ignore the crying, and say "What nice weather it is! Let's go for a walk! Hey, that movie we wanted to see is out! Should we ask Alice and Bob is they want to hang out tonight?" After a week or so of this, I could see exactly what was going on, and could also see that I would strangle somebody if it didn't stop.

So DH came with me to the grief counselor, and she was very straightforward with him: You cannot fix her. She needs to cry, and she's probably going to for a while. You are not a failure as a husband if you can't make her stop; on the contrary, if you continue attempting to make her stop, you will hurt her even more. Just hold her and listen until SHE decides she's done crying for today and that it's time to do something else. Yes, hugging her and holding her will probably make her cry harder -- this is a COMPLIMENT to you. She feels comfortable breaking down completely in your arms -- and you're helping her drain the "poison" that absolutely, positively needs to be drained. The time frame before she stops crying every day, she told him, is more likely to be several months than several weeks. If she still won't get out of bed in the morning 3 months from now, she told him, THEN you can start to worry.

This is exactly what he needed to hear. I am glad it was her that said it, because she phrased it better than me, plus that he BELIEVED it much more than if I had said it. My DH immediately became much better, and has continued to improve since then, and my ability to calmly tell him what I need -- instead of getting frustrated and angry with him and not even quite understanding why -- has improved greatly, because I understand even better now that even when he's doing the completely wrong thing, it's because he thinks what he's doing is best for me. We acknowledged from the beginning that I was much sadder than he was, but that detail was never really important.

The counselor was right, that it took about 3 months before I definitely saw a long-term improvement in how I felt. Oh, there were lots of short-term improvements, but they were always followed by crashes. And since I got a BFP 3 months after losing Beiron, I cannot honestly say if the improvement would have been the same if I hadn't been pregnant again so quickly. And even so, as I'm sure you understand, I'm not "all better" now, and I won't be all better even after Kebab is born. I never really will be -- even if in the future I might cry over what I've been through once a year rather than once a week. And I believe DH understands that part, too.

So I hope that there's something in there that can help you explain a little to your DF -- and help you understand him better. I firmly believe that he is afraid of you continuing to be sad because it would mean he has failed; that he's trying to do what's best for you but that it's kind of the opposite of what you need. Your grief is very much like a puss building up in your body, and you need to be able to drain that ooze out of you by crying and pondering and being sad for a while now. Otherwise, if you bottle it up, even for DF's sake, 10 years from now it might explode in your face when you least expect it... and THAT, I can assure you, is not fun. That's what I did with 4 or 5 other traumatic experiences in my life, bottling them up because my mom or my ex or someone else wanted me to be a tough Minnesota Lutheran and pretend I was happy -- but then when I lost Beiron, all of that un-handled grief came up to the surface as well, and I was suddenly handling 5 painful experiences all at once.

If nothing else, maybe he can understand that Jayvan was due -- what, in May? So there are still 4 months left in which your life will be very different from what your heart had vividly imagined.

I hope you don't think I'm naggy or long-winded or out of line with my sermoning, but I hate to think of that kind of irony where two people make each other sad with behavior that actually comes from them loving each other!

Tildy, I don't know about everyone else but I have the best DH in the world and even I cut and past some of your post to send to him. It is spot on and I think every DH out there could get some value out of it. The doctors over there may be dodgy but your counsellor sounds like a gem!!

Beata, thinking of you today darling. One last good luck wish and :hug:

Jo, best of luck with the scan today. I know it is very hard and frustrating to sit and do nothing - I only did it for a week and a half and felt like I was going insane but please try not to do anything but grow a health baby girl. There will be plenty of time to do household domestics when she arrives safe and sound.

Theresa, how wonderful to get a doctor's confirmation isnt it? I am glad you're making a quick move to see your OB and ensure this pg goes smoothly. Wish you the best of luck and look forward to see your ticker speed along.

Megan, you should be getting ready to test soon shouldn't you?

Tildy WOW, I am sitting here in awe at your advice to Teagz. A lot of what you said has switched a light on in my head so thank you for the inspiring pep talk. Infact, I want DH to read the part about what your counselor said as he is a beautiful caring man but is also a bit of a "try to fix her up-erer".

Paula, the things you say are very witty you also make me laugh. Keep em coming! Thanks for rallying beside me. I may ask you to come to my old OBs office and help me take him down. I am sure I would be nursing Sebastian today if it wasn't for his negligence, and so now I am also blaming him for this snowball effect - my mental cycles, the mid cycle bleeding, 2 aggressive D&Cs, for not being able to fall pregnant quickly, for having to go through IVF and especially for putting pressure and stress on my relationship with DH. I am a bitter woman today.

Teagz, I think what Tildy said to you can't be topped so won't even try. I will just keep sending you HUGE hugs :hug: and wish you a BFP asap.

I would love with all my heart to get a BFP before starting IVF but don't think it is going to happen this month. DH and I have been BD like crazy since about day 10 so I think I have worn him out. He (literally) was not "UP" for it last night and I am now as cranky as hell. I woke up very bitter and annoyed and he was very sad that he "failed" me. I know it's not entirely his fault as I really was not in the mood so I was putting the pressure on him to hurry up and the whole thing was just a "flop". Means I BD on one POSSIBLE fertile day only (Tuesday night) :cry:

Good morning to all.

Tildy Thankyou :hug: You are very helpful, indeed!

I have realised what the main problem was after my melt down on Tuesday night. DF had consoled me and assured me that everything would be ok and gave me a hug. He then said he was going out to take the dog for a walk, and I just wanted to stay home and be sad that night, but he went anyway. I ended up chasing him down the street all stroppy at him because I wanted him to stay home and be sad with me ><; (yeah I'm overly dramatic when I'm upset) and it turned it into a bit of cat fight but because I had expected DF to be a mind reader and because he wasn't I got mad at him for just being human. I should have just told him "Stay home with me, i just want to have a cuddle and cry tonight on the couch". I don't think you should expect anyone to be a mind reader, really and a councellor would probably remind me of that as well :lol:
I know DF gets frustrated with me when I cry as well and I only learnt why when I went back to hopsital to have my D&C, and it's exactly what you have said. It upsets him and he doesn't know what to do. He blew my socks off when he told me that because I genuinely thought that I just ****ed him off when I got upset. He is coming around though, and I have told him all I need is a hug when I cry! There is nothing else He needs to do or say to me that can ease my pain better than a nice big hug and he has been doing that.
He has been so so good through this whole emotional process, and I don't meant to make him sound like a complete butt when I have a whine because he has really been there for me in his own way and I love the fact that he's still able to put some normalcy into my life and make me smile as I"m still getting "The Pitty Look" from everyone else.

So, You are not naggy nor long-winded and I'll definately be taking your advise on board because you have definately hit the nail on the head! And for that my mind feels a little less foggy this morning! xxx

Hi ladies
Well my scan went perfectly and my cervix has somehow managed to grow again and I am up near 4cm now! :) I am a little dubious as the sonographer today was very quick but they have a doctor double check everything before the report is done and he actually estimated more than her so it probably isn't too far off, if at all.
So anyway we then saw my ob and he is very happy and said I can modify my resting now but still take it easy. So, yay, I can go to the shops occasionally and get the mail from the mailbox - ah, the little things. I have another scan at 28 weeks along with my GD test and then we'll evaluate again from there.
Sorry for the short post - DH is wanting the computer.
BBL x

That is fabulous news Jo! Standing ovation to your cervix :clap:

Hello girls,

Hasnt it been a bugger with BB off-line all the time!!!!!

Tildy - you are amazing woman and it totally made sense. I am lucky that I have a wonderful understanding DH and during this pregnancy he has put up with a lot!!!! But you are exactly right in how they feel etc.

Jo - what wonderful news. I bet you are absolutely thrilled that you can do little trips out.

Beata - thinking of you and hoping all is OK.

AFM - saw Ob yesterday and he is happy with progress, got to hear Lily's heartbeat, so that is reassuring. Though when I got home last night, the recession has hit home. Poor DH company he works for is struggling and looks like wont survive. He is off the next couple of days and they will contact him Monday whether to come back or not. Looks like he is off job hunting!!! Quite scary actually, been hearing about lots and lots of companies folding. Also where I work, I am getting liquidaton letters all the time of companies which have folded and they are looking for payments of bills etc.

Sorry to everybody else I missed, are busy at work, but will be back on later.

xxx Sue xxx

WOOOHOOO JO! Your a very clever little chicken! You can now officially go back and tell that silly midwife, not to ever say to another pregnant lady that they won't be going home! You are dynamite.
Tildy - Yep have to agree too!
Sue - Glad you got to hear Lily yesterday, I can't wait for my next scan....

Hi to everyone, Lan if you are lurking, big hug for you.

Hi ladies!!

Tildy and Teagz, I can relate to your dilemma and agree with what Tildy says. I had a bit of a meltdown before Christmas and we were talking about Edward and I started crying. He kept saying 'what's wrong, why are you crying' and I didn't quite know what to say- I was flabbergasted he had to even ask, doesn't he know that I cry when I think about our baby, there doesn't necessarily need to be a specific reason as such? Men don't think like that though.

Jo, great news on the scan! I'm sure your life will be more enjoyable from now on.

Beata, hope the surgery went well (was today right?), its the first step to your earth baby.

Diana, you poor thing, TTCing on demand can be awful can't it!? At least you know you have an excellent back-up with IVF.

Lan, thinking of you...

We had the VBAC info session at the hospital yesterday, and I have to say it was not pleasant... for starters she went round and everyone gave their details including preious pregnancies and reasons for C-sections. DH spoke for us and just said it was a sad story so we'd rather not go into it. So I was fighting back the tears from the start. Then we spent 2 hours listening to these women complain about how painful and traumatic their first labours were. No doubt this is true, but it's hard to hear when they all ended up with perfectly healthy babies. Try walking around for 4 days knowing your baby is dead then going through labour then emergency c-section, I think that was pretty traumatic!! Plus there was this country bumpkin who kept asking stupid questions all the time. Such as 'is there any risk to me or the baby if my uterus ruptures?" no, that's why they monitor you the entire time and whisk you away for a c-section if it looks like your uterus might rupture- because there's no risk. The other thing is that I'm pretty sure I already knew everything that was discussed, as I like to keep myself informed. Some of the women's lack of knowledge was astounding, especially as it's not their first baby. Oh well, I guess losing a baby spurs you to inform yourself as opposed to just trusting your caregiver and assuming everything will be fine.

I'm still undecided about the birth... was tending more to elective C-section after yesterday but the risks to future pregnancies is what gets me... but then I know if I had a uterine rupture and the baby died that would kill me, it would just be the end of me knowing I chose that path. I don't even have the OK from the doctor yet though so I keep trying to tell myself not to worry yet.

Also, after that guy's comment about how big I was, I was pleased to note that some of the women yesterday were about the same as me but were waaaay bigger... but then at the mess at lunch the server girl said I mustn't have long to go, when I told her she said I'd popped out over the last week... I hadn't noticed but other people obviously seem to!!!

Oh, and big news... we bought a pram!!! and a box of nappies because they were super cheap. DH was so funny, he said we couldn't buy nappies because we wouldn't know what size we'd need, my Mum and I both said, 'newborn, what size do you think it will be?!'.

Love Rozzie

Congrats Jo, I was so excited to see your scan went well. What a well behaved cervix you have at the moment.

Sue: Yippy for good news from your OB and so glad you got to hear little Lily's heart beating away. She certainly is a good little girl, I can't wait to see her first pics. Sorry about DH's work. Sounds like a few people are doing it tough. I know its hard, but try not to get too stressed about it. You are carrying precious cargo remember!!

:leap: Yipppppeeeeeeee Jo!!!! :leap:

This is fabulous news! I am so happy for you! :hug:

Helen, just saw your post. firstly congrats on the purchases and LOL re hubby's comments. Where would we be without men to laugh at!!

That VBAC session sounds hideous. I vaguely remember going to them when I was PG with DS and couldn't believe how uninformed people were. I had read everything and think I may have known more than even the midwife!!

I think I put it in a post to someone else recently but I have been using this strategy recently when women complain about pregnancy or new babies etc. I just remind myself how ignorant I was until I lost Charlie and how their ignorance is good because it means that less women have to go through what we have. I also remind myself what I say to Ethan when he gets sad because he misses his little sister... that only really special people get chosen to create angels. So no wonder all these women who moan and ***** and didn't chosen.

Anyway, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but I thought it might help if you ever end up in a situation like that again. Which I'm sure you will. Once little bub is born and you go to mother's group you will be amazed at how different you feel compared to everyone else about your baby. You'll just be so happy your bub is alive, everyone else won't be happy unless their bub is perfect!

You are very special Helen and I have no doubt YOU were the best mum in the room, even ahead of those women with earth angels already!

Rozzie - I'm slowly coming to terms with males not being mindreaders. It's taken me 4 years to learn it about DF but it's finally sinking in! I think sometimes we all want them to be like the men in a mills and boon novel though ><;
And ugh! What a lousy class... or rather participants of the class. I can understand how you would have felt though. My DFs best mate constantly complains about how loud and full on his 2yo is and he's constantly palming her off to someone else to watch if his wife isn't with him, It just makes me want to tell him he should be greatful she's even here and to stop complaining! Another guy my Df works with has just had a baby 2 weeks ago and both him and his partner complain about how she is always crying and how annoying it is. Try laying in the maternity ward after giving birth to your sleeping baby and then tell me what crying sounds like!! The most beautiful thing in the world!
Sorry for the rant :redface: How exciting about the pram!! Its so fun buying baby things ^^;

MrRobbo - Amen to that!

Jo! - Congrats for your scan! What a well behaved cervix you have :p

Sue - Good to hear Lilly's heart beat is nice and strong, sorry about DH job though.. hopefully a miricle does happen, but don't stress! Things always work out eventually, just remember you have your gorgeous Lilly and hubby through these tough situations!:hug:

Well'p, work was rather uneventful today and I'm about to knock off early. Hope everyone has a good weekend! xx

Sorry Rozzie, I mixed up your and Helens posts. but you BOTH are very special and good mums!!