TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth #2 2010

Powelly - I am so sorry to have to "welcome" you, as like Angelic said, it means you have experienced the tragedy of the loss of a much wanted baby. For that I am truly sorry and you have my heartfelt sympathies. But on the other hand I am also pleased to welcome you, as I reckon joining a thread like this is one the best things you can do! I hope your stay is short but rewarding.

Chez - it is really tough being thirsty huh? I am a massive nanna nap today for 4 hours and so didn't get to drink. Now I am a bit thirsty but regretting drinking to catch up, as it means leaving the warmth of my bed and doona and cats to go to the loo. I had a $1 bladder to begin with!

Angelic - how are you doing? Like a lot of things, unless you know someone or it applies to you, it seems like you don't know about something and then its everywhere. Not just medical stuff like PCOS. I hadn't heard of it til I was diagnosed. Also happens to me with music and movies ( twilight) all the time. Guess I can be a bit insular? Speaking of which I finally took the plunge and watched the Twilight movies on DVD. Just waiting for the 3rd one ...... I think I would like to read the books now.

Gigi - I liked Chez's image that DD would be a tom boy, and then your comment that boyf's would never be a problem. That really made me smile.

Teni - I hope you caught an eggie too! But just one sweetie. I do like the idea of keeping up the BD'ing until something else happens.

AFM - I am doing ok. I felt a bit isolated from the world today and my big nanna nap prevented me from coming on to BB this morning. But the sleep really helped me. I had been reading To Full Term by Darci Klien and I think it just really upset me. I usually find it encouraging, but not so much today.

Hiya to all our MIA's. Like Gi said - hopefully you've just wandered off the grid for a while and will be back soon. Know you are thought of and cared about.

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and have missed your posts - everyone! Thinking of you and hope to hear from you soon...

Hi ladies

Sorry for being MIA recently.

Dory - hope you are doing better today. You're nanna nap sounds so luxurious - I wish I could have had one of those today!

Gigi1 - I agree, DD would not have to worry about boyfriends with all of those cousins around - but I am sure they would have been protective, not overbearing. It's nice to think about what would have been, but painful as well :hug: thinking of you and hope you're doing ok

Tenibear - sorry about the BFN, but maybe there is still hope if you haven't O'd yet, or you did O twice. I have hear of that happening. Hope you're having some fun while you are waiting.

Angelic - good luck for this cycle hun, I have my fingers crossed for you.

Hi to Powelly, cmgelles, samcougar, crumpet, hope, charlieb, lemonade and everyone else.

AFM, well I haven't O'd this cycle, even with the clomid. My FS doesn't seem too concerned but it does reinforce my theory of a dodgy ovary and therefore not ovulating each month. The worrying thing is that if we had done IVF this cycle then it would have all been a bit waste of time, money and effort. So now I am not sure what to do next. Do we keep on the original plan and do another one or two monitored cycles, maybe with clomid, or move straight to IVF? I haven't got an appointment booked with my FS so I might have to try to do that tomorrow, although she is so busy it might be ages until we can see her again. So I am just waiting for AF to arrive and feeling kind of blah and disheartened about the past few weeks.

oxo

Hasn't been too much chatter, so I can't really respond to anyone (not that I do often anyway!) but I'll update where I'm at:

I've done about three more HPTs over the past week (like a silly person) and another OPK today. All HPTs were negative, but the OPK had a faint second line. I'm not sure about these things, could that mean ovulation has happened recently or I could be getting a positive OPK in the next few days? Or am I getting my hopes up? My CM has been all over the place - egg white one day, really runny and acidic the next (I have a small cut on my finger and it KILLS when I check if it's acidic!), then dry... My cervix has been partially open (from what I can tell) for a little while now, not going up or down or getting any wider... :angry: I just want to be normal!

Two weeks til my us :crossfingers:

Tenibear - I hear you!!! I wish I could just have a normal cycle as well!!!!
I have been reading this thread but to be honest I have been going through so much sh*t lately. I ended up having to have a second D&C last Friday after some very heavy bleeding (well maybe it should be classed as my 3rd given I had to have my placenta manually removed when DD was born). Gyno was very surprised said he has never had to do a second one. To top it all off, gyno thinks I had placenta accreta which is where placenta lodges in muscle of uterus - so it was never going to come out otherwise. Lucky it wasn't worse as that can have some serious consequences.....google really is terrible for medical stuff...scares the cr*p out of me.

Tues was DD's EDD....I was OK for most of the day but unbelievably we received a card from a friend who had obviously only recently heard....which was really nice to receive but set me off again.

I have follow up with the gyno this Friday so if all was OK maybe we can actually start to TTC again???!! Who knows....I have kind of given up hoping at the moment as every time we are told it is OK something else goes wrong.

Sorry to have such a blah post but that has been my life recently...

There has been some good news though....we should be back in Perth by Xmas.....whilst I love the English summers I am so happy I don't have to do another winter here.....yay

Hi Ladies,

Sorry for being MIA. Was visiting my Gran over the holiday weekend (i.e. no internet connection).

Teni – I’m sorry your body is giving you fits. Are you still tracking your temps? Did you get a rise or is it still bouncing everywhere? Do you have any symptoms? At least you’ll have the u/s in a few weeks to confirm where you are. My fingers are crossed for you!

Angelic – hope you are doing OK and have kicked the blahs. Big hugs sweetie!

Samcougar – sorry about the BFN. Love the recovery plan though (can never pass on choccies!)

Chez – Sorry you didn’t O this month, but try not to lose heart. When I had IVF in 2008, only one ovary responded and the other ovary only produced 5 eggs with only 2 that could be put back. When the cycle failed, our FS gently suggested that adoption was a great way to start a family. We took a break to think about our next step and ended up getting pregnant 2 months later w/o even trying (even tho we did m/c). Since that time we have gotten pregnant 4 more times, all on our own (if only we could figure out why we keep m/c’ing). You just never know what your body is capable of – so don’t give up!

Hope – Way to go with your four big follies! Sending lots of baby dust and sticky vibes your way!

Gigi – hope you’re feeling better hun.

SusieQ – Good lord girl, you have been through the wringer! Hopefully you can heal now, sweetie and start TTC.

Crumpet – congrats at making 9 weeks! How did the OB appt last week go?

Powelly – welcome to the thread hun. I’m sorry that you find yourself in need, but you couldn’t have found a more supportive group of ladies. Hopefully your stay is a short one.

Hi also to Lemonade, Dory, Charli, Cmegles and anyone else I may have inadvertently missed.

AFM – I am in my TWW. DH was accommodating with lots of BDing, and for the first time in a decade, I actually had EWCM! Of course the 2 days I had it I was at my Gran’s and my DH was visiting his mum 5 hours away! :rolleyes:

I still have some hope though…

I have a follow-up appt with my RE this coming Monday. I already know that the anti-cardiolipin and Lupus anti-coagulant are negative and that mine and DH’s karyotypes are normal. My u/s revealed a miniscule fibroid that barely protrudes into the uterus (may not even be operable), but it is most likely not the cause of our recurrent miscarriages. DH is still optimistic that the RE will keep digging to find the cause, but I started getting bad vibes during the u/s. The doctor that heads the practice did the u/s and he started pressuring us about doing IUI or IVF (gave us the ‘it’s a numbers game’ speech) at which point I bluntly pointed out that the only time we haven’t been able to get pregnant was when were being medically assisted, and that we could get pregnant just fine on our own. What we really needed from them was to find out why we keep losing them. His answer was that if we did IVF, then they could genetically test the embryos to make sure we were putting back ‘good ones’. This tells me that they basically think that our problem is egg quality (of course because of my age). I could buy that if it were just a couple of m/c’s, but 6 in a row all at the same week of pregnancy with NO live births ever!? That’s a little hard to swallow. If the RE is unwilling to look any deeper than this currently VERY SHALLOW investigation, then I’ve already identified a RI in Chicago that will work with patients long distance (if I can find a local doctor willing to execute their recommended protocols). I hate doctors….. BLAH!

Sorry for the negativity there, but I’m very frustrated with smug, patronizing, close-minded doctors. :angry:

hello to all of you gorgeous girls....

im so sorry ive been MIA i over did my net usage so that was painful for mos of this week having no net !!!

hope ur all going well, am reading along but dont often have much to contribute.....

all is going well here, nothing overly major to report.....
OB appt was eventful, should be used to that by now, had issues finding worms HB on OB's US machine so we were raced in for a emergency scan and all is well....
all going well ill be in hospy in about 3-4 weeks for my stitch......

pretty safe to say im *****ting my pants but oh well, i have full trust in my OB so i know it will be ok but u cant help but wonder.....

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Chris, How very frustrating. Trouble is with this journey we sometimes find we are better informed of our own bodies than some doctors. I have no doubt there are very special and talented people out there...but as you would know...it is a NUMBERS GAME! Ha! My brother often jokes, what do you call a medical student that graduates at the bottom of their class...a Doctor. Don't get me wrong, i have huge respect for some doctors, but some elude me. Beside manners wouldn't go astray all too often.
I hope you get some good feedback soon that you can do something with.

SusieQ, Boy what a time you have had hun. Hope it is the last of the D&Cs, that is crazy business. My thoughts are with you babe and hope things calm down soon. I miss the winters in the UK...so maybe we could do a tag team. Although i do like to thaw for a period of tiem each year.

Crumpet, good to hear from you hun. Glad you are doing well. Perfectly harmless to be feelign apprehensive hun. You are doing so well.

Teni, Hope you caught ovulation hun and have some answers as to where you are at. Good luck.

All you lovely ladies, hi and hope you are doing well.


AFM- I have cut my hair off...to a jaw line bob. THis is HUGE for me. I have had the same hair style more or less for 23years...long. So a bit of an adjustment in taking care of it. I love it but trying to get my head around having to actually do it before i leave the house. Whoever said short hair was easier to care for...is laughing!

We are TTCing this month again. I am very very nervous as i think it might actually happen for us. Just a gut feeling....but we all know we get plenty of those. I have really not been well but doing ok atm. The flu is more or less gone now, just getting rid of the dregs.

Love to you all xoox

Chez - I hope you're getting over the blah.... in a way its nice to have some reinforcement of your own theory, but also good that the obs isn't worried. It must be so disheartening... hang in there sweetie.

Gigi - that's awesome news! And very brave of you to get a new do! Do you use a hair straightener? I have had quite short hair for the past 5 years and am growing it now.... I am not so good with intermediate to long length hair and just tend to want to tie it back. I am thinking of using a hair straigtener... but like most insignificant things with me it takes me ages to decide. Glad you are feeling a bit better too.

Chris - if you don't feel that you are supported by your medical team then I would encourage you to find someone else, although that can be tedious :( I also have to say I tend to agree with you ..... recurrent m/c at the same week of pregnancy and a good track record at spontaneous conception aren't really the big ticket items for IVF. Me with al my expert knoweldge, but it goes to what Gigi was saying about listening to our inner voices or intuition about our bodies. Though poor Teni is all over the place in that regard at the mo.... Are you going to the Beer Institute in Chicago for your RI?

Teni - just hoping that everything sorts itself out for you soon sweetie.....

SusieQ - oh sweetie.... are you ok? Having to have a second d&c is tough. I have heard of it, but it is rare. Hopefully now this means you are on the way to a full recovery and it won't be long now... Glad that you made it through DD's EDD.... it can be such a tough day. Sometimes I think the lead up is much more draining than the day. For me there is a certain sense of "freedom" after the EDD has passed. I am sorry I can't think of a better word than freedom... but what I mean is its almost as if a weight has been lifted. Not entirely lifted, but the burden is perhaps different. Thinking of you now in this part of your journey.

Crumpet - good to hear you're booked in. I am not sure the anxiety ever goes away sweetie. It transforms from time to time but is always there for me.

Angelic - you must be heaps busy.... hoping to hear from you soon....

Samcougar - how are you doing? You are so much stronger than you realise... :)

AFm all good - got to run Dh has just said dinner is ready and a girl has got to eat. Hugs to all.

Susie, I absent mindedly forgot to say anything about your DD's EDD. I hope you got through the day ok hun. It is a hard time. xoxo

Hi All, and thanks so much for the warm welcome. It’s such a relief talking with you all and knowing there is genuine understanding of how difficult pregnancy can be emotionally! I hope you don’t mind my being here as I can see that a lot of you are having some difficulty falling pregnant and I can’t begin to imagine how hard that must be. I feel a bit bad because as much as I want another baby, I’m absolutely petrified of falling pregnant. We TTC this month, and straight after DTD I was a mess and immediately felt anxious. I’m sure that’s normal but the thought of going through this for 9 whole months is a bit much. I grieve for the fact I’ll never have the happy, positive pregnancy. I feel bad that we can fall pregnant relatively easily and when so many woman struggle, shouldn’t I want to grasp the opportunity with both hands? Argh! Maybe my problem is THINKING too much! Haha
One thing I’m seeing in here, is the strength and determination of some very special women and I hope that we all make it though the physical or emotional (or both) blocks and get to hold that special bundle in our arms.

Crumpet - how are you feeling? I can understand your anxiety and I guess it's just about taking it one day at a time? How far along are you?

Susie - the EDD is always a rough one. It's been 3 years and my DH and I always feel awful on the anniversary but it does get that little bit easier each time. We never stop missing or loving them and the pain is always there, but it does lessen with time.

Sorry for not replying to all, DS is calling! May I quickly say to all TTC, fingers crossed and keep us informed! Oh and any "staying sane" tips would be appreciated! haha

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Crumpet, good to hear from you hun. Glad you are doing well. Perfectly harmless to be feelign apprehensive hun. You are doing so well.

AFM- I have cut my hair off...to a jaw line bob. THis is HUGE for me. I have had the same hair style more or less for 23years...long. So a bit of an adjustment in taking care of it. I love it but trying to get my head around having to actually do it before i leave the house. Whoever said short hair was easier to care for...is laughing!

We are TTCing this month again. I am very very nervous as i think it might actually happen for us. Just a gut feeling....but we all know we get plenty of those. I have really not been well but doing ok atm. The flu is more or less gone now, just getting rid of the dregs.

Love to you all xoox

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thanks hun..... its one hell of a ride thats for sure...

oh wow!!! are u loving having shorter hair??? i do the big chop once every 12-18 months, hate it then grow it back!!! :ROFL: its one big circle for me!!!

good luck TTC this month hun, i have everything crossed for you.....:pray:

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Crumpet - good to hear you're booked in. I am not sure the anxiety ever goes away sweetie. It transforms from time to time but is always there for me.

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thanks dory......
havnt got my actual stitch date yet but will have that om about 2and a bit weeks, then 2-3 days im hospy so OB can watch me closely, thats bound to be fun, hope he lets me get up to go to the loo this time!!:redface: i didnt enjoy the bed pan experience last time!

can i ask when u had urs did u have a catheter??? im a little worried about that and forgot to ask my OB when i saw him

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Crumpet - how are you feeling? I can understand your anxiety and I guess it's just about taking it one day at a time? How far along are you?

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im going well thanks hun......
the usual MS and what not, but dealing with it as best i can....

yep all i do is take thins daily, no point going further than that....
im 9w5d now..... its kinda going fast but kinda dragging too..

how are u going??

hello to all of u other gorgeous girls!!

hope ur all well and are doing ok!

Susie: *hug* hope you're feeling better now, and yay for being back in Perth for Xmas!

Chris : :angry: stupid doctors! Hope you still managed to catch an egg and your TWW ends happily!

Powelly: I'd like to give you some "how to stay sane" tips, but I don't know any :lol: I'm going a little nuts at the moment myself!

AFM: Sigh... CD35 and pretty much no sign of AF, ovulation, or pregnancy. Oh, except for really snippy moods, nausea, and being a little gassy, which could be a symptom of any of them :wall: I've done yet another few tests, all negative. Still going to test on Thursday, but now I don't hold too much hope. I'll get Scott to buy me a First Response for my birthday :lol:

Also, I had a tiny little breakdown on Saturday while looking at my cousin's baby :redface: I wrote more on my blog, but it was just so terrible not being able to cuddle him. I really dislike my cousin for never letting me near him - what am I going to do, steal him? (She doesn't seem to like me much now she's realised I was never one of our nan's favourites - she bloody idolises the woman, especially now she's dead... But that's a whole new thread right there lol)

Dory. Hey hun, I have a cheap one but hardly ever use it...I am hopeless with it, well lets say out of practise as i have never had to use one. I am a have a shower, towel dry, brush, rough it up and makeup kind of girl. I am anyones best roomy as it only take me 5mins to get ready. But i am starting to think i deserve a bit more...so hence my new look. But i am not one to blow dry and straighten every day. Au naturale is best for me. Yes i can immagine the growing out stage is fun! All ahead of me. xoxo

Crumpet. Loving the short hair. it is weird but i really needed a makeover and I feel like i have had it like this for years, very comfortable. Glad i did it and feel very proud for being brave!

Powelly. How on earth did you just pluck every thought from my head hun? I feel all those things except maybe for being able to fall pregnant eaisly. You take that blessing hun, as best you can. I want nothing more than a baby and the anguish of watching those around me celebrate and nuture their own is often too much to bare. But I am petrified too. I grieve for never being able to get that innocence back. That realy rocks me most days.
We are CD10 and amidst TCCing this month. I had hwat might have been the very same thoughts just before and just after dtd. I am trying to be brave and march on through it but i couldn't help but cry my eyes out. Poor DH is so used to dealing with the anxieties of TCC but i really really wish we didn't have to.
In saying all of this, i remember reading someones post recently that rang bells for me. She mentioned that nothing is ever the same, but that is ok, it means her baby was here. I try to hold onto that. It is a hard spot to be in as no one really gets it and those without the heartache simple think you should be grateful for what you have and move on. They will never ever get it and i suppose we should be grateful of that FOR them, but hey we are human and some things just don't make sense.
I wanted to encourage you not to feel guilt for your feelings. They are there for good reason.
I hope you fall pregnant soon and with each day you grow stronger and stronger. I hope that for me too. Good luck.

AFM- CD10 today and preparing my head and body to fall pregnant. Trying to keep a level head.
My thoughts had returned to the adjustment i made when i fell pregnant with DD. I remember being a little sad for leaving the single(married), childless world behind as anyone would. The end of one stage in your life and the begining of another which i longed for, being a mother. I felt guilt for struggling with this adjustment, having tried for so long and wanting a child for so long. I though i had no right to feel thsi way and should have been grateful. I remember thinking wow, i give up so much for this, to be a mother. I got my head around it and grieved a little over that. At that stage i never knew how much my life was going to change. But i think it is really important to aknowledge that this is normal...isn't it. It is ok to feel the whoel array of emotions even if you feel you should be grateful.
Right now like Powelly, i still really want a baby...but i am so very scared. My anger and sadness for losing that innocence will no doubt fade a little over time and affect me less but for now, sometimes it consumes me. Everthing i ever looked forward to is gone. It is taking me a great deal to get through this part. That is ok, hey.

Better go now and get some exercise...light exercise, bit by bit, day by day.

Love and luck to you all xoox

Teni, Happy birthday hun and hope you find out what is happening with your cycle. I still have fingers crossed for you. WHat a wonderful birthday present that would be.
Family can be so silly. Stay strong and ignore their behaviour babe. i am so sorry they are being this way. SIlly people.

Teni - Happy birthday. Go and give that Scotty Duck a huge hug. Hope you can salvage some happiness... I know its hard. Hey, about your cousin? I don't think she's worth you worrying about.... focus on you and forget about her. I know it sounds mean, but seems to me like she isn't a helpful person to have around right now.

Powelly - oh sweetie - I know exactly how you feel about TCC and dtd. It's pretty damn scary, even though you want the result it brings. Gigi says it right a lot of the time {hah probably should read all of the time}. Don't feel guilty for your ease at getting UTD. TCC after loss and pregnancy after loss are exceptionally hard and demanding times. As Gi said, just be thankful that it doesn't apply to you!

Gi when you said " a little sad at the prospective change from not being a parent to being a parent, I was petrified, even though its what DH and I both wanted. I am like you with my "beauty regime". I have a few sneaky greys poking through but am not going to dye my hair... I told DH if my vanity about the grey got the better of me I would be cutting my hair short again.... He doesn't notice them, but I sure do. I have had some grey hair since I was about 25, you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but no!

Crumpet - Mine was day procedure under general anaesthetic at 14 weeks. From the time the wardie took me in to surgery to the time I woke up in recovery was no more than 2 hours, and that also included a fire alarms testing ( when nothing could be done). I might have been overnight if I didn't recover well or the Ob wanted to have me observed but in the end I didn't need to be and to be honest, I felt great after the procedure. Euphoric ( wonder if that was the anaesthetic?). I might have had a catheter in during the procedure, but I didn't have one before or after, that's for sure. I might ask when I see my Ob. I have never had a problem with a catheter, so they don't worry me but if I were to be bed bound I would prefer one! I so wholeheartedly agree with you about the unpleasantness of using a bed pan! Maybe with practice it gets easier and less weird. Hey, I also know what you mean about time going quickly but at the same time dragging! Contradictions are so pervasive on this journey.

Has anyone heard from Charli? I might have to PM her. I haven't seen her for a while around here and want to know she's doing.

Anyway, my lovies, you are always close to my heart. I am going to roast some chicken so better put it in the oven sometime soon. Not a whole chook, just some thigh fillets. Yep I am cheating.

Dory, Hmmm greys... yes, got a few and they seem to pop up and stick out like they have something big to say. The last 12 months have seen them really populate! I am still pretending they are not there. Not much into colour,did a rinse once and felt like it just wasn't me. I and trying to embrace it but hey...human we are!
Haven't heard from Charlie but I am sure no news is good news.
Love Hm xoxo