TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth #2 2010

[Powelly]

Hi All, and thanks so much for the warm welcome. It’s such a relief talking with you all and knowing there is genuine understanding of how difficult pregnancy can be emotionally! I hope you don’t mind my being here as I can see that a lot of you are having some difficulty falling pregnant and I can’t begin to imagine how hard that must be. I feel a bit bad because as much as I want another baby, I’m absolutely petrified of falling pregnant. We TTC this month, and straight after DTD I was a mess and immediately felt anxious. I’m sure that’s normal but the thought of going through this for 9 whole months is a bit much. I grieve for the fact I’ll never have the happy, positive pregnancy. I feel bad that we can fall pregnant relatively easily and when so many woman struggle, shouldn’t I want to grasp the opportunity with both hands? Argh! Maybe my problem is THINKING too much! Haha
One thing I’m seeing in here, is the strength and determination of some very special women and I hope that we all make it though the physical or emotional (or both) blocks and get to hold that special bundle in our arms.

Crumpet - how are you feeling? I can understand your anxiety and I guess it's just about taking it one day at a time? How far along are you?

Susie - the EDD is always a rough one. It's been 3 years and my DH and I always feel awful on the anniversary but it does get that little bit easier each time. We never stop missing or loving them and the pain is always there, but it does lessen with time.

Sorry for not replying to all, DS is calling! May I quickly say to all TTC, fingers crossed and keep us informed! Oh and any "staying sane" tips would be appreciated! haha

[crumpet]

Crumpet, good to hear from you hun. Glad you are doing well. Perfectly harmless to be feelign apprehensive hun. You are doing so well.

AFM- I have cut my hair off...to a jaw line bob. THis is HUGE for me. I have had the same hair style more or less for 23years...long. So a bit of an adjustment in taking care of it. I love it but trying to get my head around having to actually do it before i leave the house. Whoever said short hair was easier to care for...is laughing!

We are TTCing this month again. I am very very nervous as i think it might actually happen for us. Just a gut feeling....but we all know we get plenty of those. I have really not been well but doing ok atm. The flu is more or less gone now, just getting rid of the dregs.

Love to you all xoox

thanks hun..... its one hell of a ride thats for sure...

oh wow!!! are u loving having shorter hair??? i do the big chop once every 12-18 months, hate it then grow it back!!! its one big circle for me!!!

good luck TTC this month hun, i have everything crossed for you.....

Crumpet - good to hear you're booked in. I am not sure the anxiety ever goes away sweetie. It transforms from time to time but is always there for me.

thanks dory......
havnt got my actual stitch date yet but will have that om about 2and a bit weeks, then 2-3 days im hospy so OB can watch me closely, thats bound to be fun, hope he lets me get up to go to the loo this time!! i didnt enjoy the bed pan experience last time!

can i ask when u had urs did u have a catheter??? im a little worried about that and forgot to ask my OB when i saw him

Crumpet - how are you feeling? I can understand your anxiety and I guess it's just about taking it one day at a time? How far along are you?

im going well thanks hun......
the usual MS and what not, but dealing with it as best i can....

yep all i do is take thins daily, no point going further than that....
im 9w5d now..... its kinda going fast but kinda dragging too..

how are u going??

hello to all of u other gorgeous girls!!

hope ur all well and are doing ok!

[TeniBear]

Susie: *hug* hope you're feeling better now, and yay for being back in Perth for Xmas!

Chris : stupid doctors! Hope you still managed to catch an egg and your TWW ends happily!

Powelly: I'd like to give you some "how to stay sane" tips, but I don't know any I'm going a little nuts at the moment myself!

AFM: Sigh... CD35 and pretty much no sign of AF, ovulation, or pregnancy. Oh, except for really snippy moods, nausea, and being a little gassy, which could be a symptom of any of them I've done yet another few tests, all negative. Still going to test on Thursday, but now I don't hold too much hope. I'll get Scott to buy me a First Response for my birthday

Also, I had a tiny little breakdown on Saturday while looking at my cousin's baby I wrote more on my blog, but it was just so terrible not being able to cuddle him. I really dislike my cousin for never letting me near him - what am I going to do, steal him? (She doesn't seem to like me much now she's realised I was never one of our nan's favourites - she bloody idolises the woman, especially now she's dead... But that's a whole new thread right there lol)

[Gigi1]

Dory. Hey hun, I have a cheap one but hardly ever use it...I am hopeless with it, well lets say out of practise as i have never had to use one. I am a have a shower, towel dry, brush, rough it up and makeup kind of girl. I am anyones best roomy as it only take me 5mins to get ready. But i am starting to think i deserve a bit more...so hence my new look. But i am not one to blow dry and straighten every day. Au naturale is best for me. Yes i can immagine the growing out stage is fun! All ahead of me. xoxo

Crumpet. Loving the short hair. it is weird but i really needed a makeover and I feel like i have had it like this for years, very comfortable. Glad i did it and feel very proud for being brave!

Powelly. How on earth did you just pluck every thought from my head hun? I feel all those things except maybe for being able to fall pregnant eaisly. You take that blessing hun, as best you can. I want nothing more than a baby and the anguish of watching those around me celebrate and nuture their own is often too much to bare. But I am petrified too. I grieve for never being able to get that innocence back. That realy rocks me most days.
We are CD10 and amidst TCCing this month. I had hwat might have been the very same thoughts just before and just after dtd. I am trying to be brave and march on through it but i couldn't help but cry my eyes out. Poor DH is so used to dealing with the anxieties of TCC but i really really wish we didn't have to.
In saying all of this, i remember reading someones post recently that rang bells for me. She mentioned that nothing is ever the same, but that is ok, it means her baby was here. I try to hold onto that. It is a hard spot to be in as no one really gets it and those without the heartache simple think you should be grateful for what you have and move on. They will never ever get it and i suppose we should be grateful of that FOR them, but hey we are human and some things just don't make sense.
I wanted to encourage you not to feel guilt for your feelings. They are there for good reason.
I hope you fall pregnant soon and with each day you grow stronger and stronger. I hope that for me too. Good luck.

AFM- CD10 today and preparing my head and body to fall pregnant. Trying to keep a level head.
My thoughts had returned to the adjustment i made when i fell pregnant with DD. I remember being a little sad for leaving the single(married), childless world behind as anyone would. The end of one stage in your life and the begining of another which i longed for, being a mother. I felt guilt for struggling with this adjustment, having tried for so long and wanting a child for so long. I though i had no right to feel thsi way and should have been grateful. I remember thinking wow, i give up so much for this, to be a mother. I got my head around it and grieved a little over that. At that stage i never knew how much my life was going to change. But i think it is really important to aknowledge that this is normal...isn't it. It is ok to feel the whoel array of emotions even if you feel you should be grateful.
Right now like Powelly, i still really want a baby...but i am so very scared. My anger and sadness for losing that innocence will no doubt fade a little over time and affect me less but for now, sometimes it consumes me. Everthing i ever looked forward to is gone. It is taking me a great deal to get through this part. That is ok, hey.

Better go now and get some exercise...light exercise, bit by bit, day by day.

Love and luck to you all xoox

[Gigi1]

Teni, Happy birthday hun and hope you find out what is happening with your cycle. I still have fingers crossed for you. WHat a wonderful birthday present that would be.
Family can be so silly. Stay strong and ignore their behaviour babe. i am so sorry they are being this way. SIlly people.

[dory]

Teni - Happy birthday. Go and give that Scotty Duck a huge hug. Hope you can salvage some happiness... I know its hard. Hey, about your cousin? I don't think she's worth you worrying about.... focus on you and forget about her. I know it sounds mean, but seems to me like she isn't a helpful person to have around right now.

Powelly - oh sweetie - I know exactly how you feel about TCC and dtd. It's pretty damn scary, even though you want the result it brings. Gigi says it right a lot of the time {hah probably should read all of the time}. Don't feel guilty for your ease at getting UTD. TCC after loss and pregnancy after loss are exceptionally hard and demanding times. As Gi said, just be thankful that it doesn't apply to you!

Gi when you said " a little sad at the prospective change from not being a parent to being a parent, I was petrified, even though its what DH and I both wanted. I am like you with my "beauty regime". I have a few sneaky greys poking through but am not going to dye my hair... I told DH if my vanity about the grey got the better of me I would be cutting my hair short again.... He doesn't notice them, but I sure do. I have had some grey hair since I was about 25, you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but no!

Crumpet - Mine was day procedure under general anaesthetic at 14 weeks. From the time the wardie took me in to surgery to the time I woke up in recovery was no more than 2 hours, and that also included a fire alarms testing ( when nothing could be done). I might have been overnight if I didn't recover well or the Ob wanted to have me observed but in the end I didn't need to be and to be honest, I felt great after the procedure. Euphoric ( wonder if that was the anaesthetic?). I might have had a catheter in during the procedure, but I didn't have one before or after, that's for sure. I might ask when I see my Ob. I have never had a problem with a catheter, so they don't worry me but if I were to be bed bound I would prefer one! I so wholeheartedly agree with you about the unpleasantness of using a bed pan! Maybe with practice it gets easier and less weird. Hey, I also know what you mean about time going quickly but at the same time dragging! Contradictions are so pervasive on this journey.

Has anyone heard from Charli? I might have to PM her. I haven't seen her for a while around here and want to know she's doing.

Anyway, my lovies, you are always close to my heart. I am going to roast some chicken so better put it in the oven sometime soon. Not a whole chook, just some thigh fillets. Yep I am cheating.

[Gigi1]

Dory, Hmmm greys... yes, got a few and they seem to pop up and stick out like they have something big to say. The last 12 months have seen them really populate! I am still pretending they are not there. Not much into colour,did a rinse once and felt like it just wasn't me. I and trying to embrace it but hey...human we are!
Haven't heard from Charlie but I am sure no news is good news.
Love Hm xoxo

[crumpet]

AFM: Sigh... CD35 and pretty much no sign of AF, ovulation, or pregnancy. Oh, except for really snippy moods, nausea, and being a little gassy, which could be a symptom of any of them I've done yet another few tests, all negative. Still going to test on Thursday, but now I don't hold too much hope. I'll get Scott to buy me a First Response for my birthday

Also, I had a tiny little breakdown on Saturday while looking at my cousin's baby I wrote more on my blog, but it was just so terrible not being able to cuddle him. I really dislike my cousin for never letting me near him - what am I going to do, steal him? (She doesn't seem to like me much now she's realised I was never one of our nan's favourites - she bloody idolises the woman, especially now she's dead... But that's a whole new thread right there lol)

good luck testing hun.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO!!!!!!

WTF?? ur cousin wont let u cuddle her baby??? its not like ur a psycho!!!! maybe she thinks its easier on u by not cuddling him after what u have been through??? ppl are weird when u go through what we all have.

[COLOR=olive]
Crumpet. Loving the short hair. it is weird but i really needed a makeover and I feel like i have had it like this for years, very comfortable. Glad i did it and feel very proud for being brave!
AFM- CD10 today and preparing my head and body to fall pregnant. Trying to keep a level head.
My thoughts had returned to the adjustment i made when i fell pregnant with DD. I remember being a little sad for leaving the single(married), childless world behind as anyone would. The end of one stage in your life and the begining of another which i longed for, being a mother. I felt guilt for struggling with this adjustment, having tried for so long and wanting a child for so long. I though i had no right to feel thsi way and should have been grateful. I remember thinking wow, i give up so much for this, to be a mother. I got my head around it and grieved a little over that. At that stage i never knew how much my life was going to change. But i think it is really important to aknowledge that this is normal...isn't it. It is ok to feel the whoel array of emotions even if you feel you should be grateful.
Right now like Powelly, i still really want a baby...but i am so very scared. My anger and sadness for losing that innocence will no doubt fade a little over time and affect me less but for now, sometimes it consumes me. Everthing i ever looked forward to is gone. It is taking me a great deal to get through this part. That is ok, hey.

good on u hun!!!!

good luck this cycle have everything crossed for u!!

Crumpet - Mine was day procedure under general anaesthetic at 14 weeks. From the time the wardie took me in to surgery to the time I woke up in recovery was no more than 2 hours, and that also included a fire alarms testing ( when nothing could be done). I might have been overnight if I didn't recover well or the Ob wanted to have me observed but in the end I didn't need to be and to be honest, I felt great after the procedure. Euphoric ( wonder if that was the anaesthetic?). I might have had a catheter in during the procedure, but I didn't have one before or after, that's for sure. I might ask when I see my Ob. I have never had a problem with a catheter, so they don't worry me but if I were to be bed bound I would prefer one! I so wholeheartedly agree with you about the unpleasantness of using a bed pan! Maybe with practice it gets easier and less weird. Hey, I also know what you mean about time going quickly but at the same time dragging! Contradictions are so pervasive on this journey.

i asked to have it under general but my OB wont do it, so its spinal tap and sedation for me.....

the only reason i dont like the thought of a catheter was the memory of having one when in labour with Gus and remembering how much it hurt!! lordy that wasnt pleasant!

hello to everyone, hope ur all travelling along ok.....

seems we have hit another hurdle.......
DH is struggling a little bit atm.....
i know he feels neglected coz im so anti being touched atm, just dont want to be poked and prodded and what not so there goes cuddles on the couch at night, plus no sexy time, plus im a bit of a loose cannon too.....
but he is sad.
he says he is sad, but wont say anymore coz he doesnt want to upset me.....
i keep telling him i dont care and i know he doesnt meant it but he wont say anything else..
last night i got out of him that he just wishes he could come home to me and Gus, not to the dramas of pregnancy again which i understand coz i know its not easy on him.....
its breaking my heart and i wish i knew how to help him...

we are both at the point now where we both fully expect the disappointmet of last time, and both dont expect to have our baby after all of this.....

just another hurdle to jump i suppose *sigh*