TTC AFTER Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth 2010

[Aries]

Evening ladies - Thanks so much for the warm welcomes. Gee you are all so nice!!

Cmeggles - As Tenibear posted, grief is not selfish at all hun. My heart goes out to you at this obviously difficult part of your journey. I have found grief to be such a rollercoaster - one day feeling ok to the next being an absolute wreck. Please just remember you are strong and brave but you are allowed to grieve as much as you like and also however you like. Not only do we lose a precious bub, we also lose the big dream of them being in our lives and homes and watching them grow. Big hugs to you xx

Hi Tenibear, I am very sorry for your loss, your pics are just beautiful. Such a lucky little boy to have parents that loved him so much.

Gigi, Blessed, Dory, Crumpet, Chez, Beata - big hugs to you all. And to anyone I have missed - its not intentional I promise!!

I have a scan tomorrow to see how my eggies are maturing - fingers crossed that they are ready to be triggered and that I 'O' soon - we are so ready to be pg again!

Hugs to all xxx

[Gigi1]

Dory, they have a lovely site and Idea. I have often thought what could i do that is similar. I might start a blog or something to remember gigi more. She is an inspirational woman...so damn positive all the time. I think that is what stopped me, her blog is so positive, no where near as dark as my thoughts get.
You will find the right place and time to place ashes hun. I still sleep with DDs every night and it will probably stay that way until the day we die. We will probably have all of our scattered together somewhere. Not the ocean though...that scares me a bit. Not a fan of big, deep water!

Hey crumpet!

Aries, Good luck babe. Thinking of you. xoox

HI to all.

xx

[TeniBear]

I decided tonight to watch Saving Babies online - although it always makes me tear up a bit, I felt I needed a good cry. Well, cry I did! I'm watching one of the "one year on" episodes right now and completely breaking down at the story about a woman who was meant to be having twin girls but had to make the decision to cut off blood supply to one so they could save the other. My heart broke enough at that, but seeing the footage of her in labour, and being handed the smaller (now-angel) twin after the healthy one had been born... I thought I'd never stop crying! I wasn't expecting it when I started watching, I was only after the happy endings. But I'm glad I watched.

There was a little aside to explain why she decided to continue with the filming, and I reckon in the same curcumstances I'd have done the same thing. She said she wanted to do it so anyone else going through the same thing or similar wouldn't feel so alone. I may not be going through the exact thing, but it did help, even if it was just that I had a massive cry. What a wonderful woman. I hope she's a BB-er...

[cmeglles]

I really want to say thanks to everyone for the hugs and kind words of advice. You all are so important to me, and really are helping me. It sounds like a lot of us have been having a rough few days and it is really nice not to feel so lonely. AF arrived today and for some reason I feel better- it has happened that way every month. I guess I feel like it is a fresh new start. Maybe we will make a Bermuda baby! less than 2 weeks before vacation and I am in desperate need of sunshine and warmth (although we are slowly warming up here). I am a little nervous because I realized my EDD (April 27) will be in the early parts of 2ww.

Blessed-My heart goes out to you. Sending you a hug. Thank you for reminding me that 5 months is not a long time and it is ok to be sad and frustrated. Your sadness at Easter reminds me that our babies will always be missed, even though sometimes I feel like we are the only ones who remember them. I totally know what you mean about pushing through your sadness to enjoy the fun. Sometimes I find it helpful to excise myself for a bit and let myself be absorbed in my sadness and then I gradually feel better and can go back and enjoy with others. It always has a bittersweet part to it, but that way I feel like I have given my DS and myself some time to ourselves.

TeniBear- What courage to watch that show! I would have been a total mess during and afterwards. But thank you for sharing that woman had SO much courage. Thank you for reminding me that it is still ok to cry and remember our little boys.

Dory- First thank you for the advice! I really appreciate your help and philosophy. I saw a flower today, one of the first of the spring....there is hope, you are right I just have to remember there is hope for me too. I also really like your philosophy that our little ones live through us and give us reason to smile. Mind if I steal it? I think it is ok to keep your babies ashes with you as long as you need, perhaps even forever....Is there another spot in your house that you could keep them with you? Or could you build a shelf or a box is a display makes you uncomfortable that the kitties can't get to? On the flip side I can definitely see scattering ashes into the ocean and then every time you see or hear the ocean you remember your little ones. We had our DS footprints copied and framed in the center of the poem Child of my heart, and I really like them. We put it in the center of our house in the heart of it. DH and I both really treasure it. The pictures really sound beautiful, what a lovely way to remember your babies.

Gigi1- I am so sorry about that dinner. It sounds horrible. How insensitive! You are such a champ for sitting through it. I think it really took a lot of courage. I think it is really hard for people to remember what we have been through and are going through, and that is dumb! Argh! I have had friends be just as selfish and it has just been such a struggle sometimes not to bring everyone down with my memories and thoughts, but really couldn't they keep the conversation elsewhere?

Aries-How did the scan go? Thank you for your kind words....it can be so hard for me to remember that it is ok for me to still be on this rollercoaster and even though other people tend to forget, that I really experienced a loss of both my DS and my hopes and dreams... Guess sometimes I just need a kick to remind me that I am doing ok.

Hi to everyone I missed! Sending you all hugs and

[dory]

Gigi - LOL - I am not a fan of deep water either! Scares me no end for lots of reasons but I love the ocean and the waves. I think your blog would be great - you have so much to offer and you have a lot to share and even if you feel you can't like Carly, well there's a good reason for that - it's because you are you. Besides, why not allow people to see the entire journey? The highs, the lows, the unfathomable demands that grief makes of us? Life is about a kalidescope of experiences, not just the upbeat ones. Bring grief out of its cupboard I say. I do know what you mean about feeling like you might not do enough to remember. I think about that a lot. No answers. I guess we all have to do what is right for us?

Cmeggles - if my crazy ideas help you then use them any way you want, they are not proprietary. I am not very good at just being the person to "listen" but here on BB that can be hard because its a disjointed communication format. But if I bug you, tell me "not now" and I will get it.

How wonderful will it be to be somewhere as beautiful as I presume Bermuda is, you and DH sharing your love, warming your bodies, letting your soul warm a little in the sun and fresh air, and celebrating your darling boys EDD? The day will be perfect because you and DH are together looking out for each other and looking after yourselves. I just get the biggest sense of peace when I think of you guys there.

Aries- how did your scan go today?

Teni - I have to say I love that show. I am a little hooked on watching any medical show that involves babies - and I cry equally with the happy endings as with the endings that we all know so well. I suppose, like everyone else, I hope that mine will end happily one day.

Crumpet - busy over easter sweetie? Good for you!

Blessed - you must be on holidays from TAFE right now? Enjoy. Can't wait to hear what you've been up to. Might go check out your blog ( whoops I did a little typo just then ...I missed out the "l" in blog, had myself cringing and laughing... oh how embarassing).

Charli B, Jenna - hiya - you've both been quiet - is everything ok?

[Gigi1]

Dory- Yep...i like to see the bottom. Always been funny about that.

Teni- You brave girl. It sometimes helps to watch something that makes you cry hard. Sometimes that gives such relief.

Cmegles- I love you fresh start approach. Sorry that optimism has had to help out this month. I hope that bermuda is the missing key, the sun, the relaxation and the love you share.
Yeah sometimes i wish i was not so good at managing my emotions.

I have been watching yout ube videos of Lisa Williams...very gifted lady. Spooky...i love it. I would love her to do a reading for us one day.
My friend had her baby boy today by planned c section. All went well. I will try to see her in the next two days. She was so nervous so I am glad she is through it and all are healthy.

Love to all xoxoox

[Aries]

Hi Ladies

Scan today was not as great as I hoped it would be. My 'maturing' follicles are not growing. They have not changed since Thursday, so this month is finished. My next option is artificial insemination which my DH and I are all for however I still need to find a way to ovulate...... even for AI to work. So the next 5 weeks are a weight loss / health journey to try and get some regularity with my cycles by getting my weight down. I am not that overweight but have been told a couple of kgs can make a huge difference - especially with endo & pcos. So it begins. I am ok with it now - I have had my cry and whinge and feel better for it and its now up to me, so I have set myself that small challenge.

Hi Dory - How are you feeling? All going along nicely?

Cmeglles - I hope you are feeling a little better today and your holiday sounds fabulous! You never know what may happen when you are all relaxed..............

Hi to all - waiting for that next BFP!!! xxxx

[Katiegirl]

Hi everyone. I just thought I would pop in as this is a section of the forum that got me through very dark times after we lost our first baby, a boy Nathaniel at 20 weeks. I have been reading some of your stories and wanted to send you all hugs and hope for the future. I know that it is heartbreaking and life shattering to have to farewell your babies, but I hope you find some strength in here with each other to take each day as it comes. I am now the happy mum to an earth baby Anna who is 17 months and am 35 weeks pregnant with No.3. I still miss Nathaniel and have my sad times but I know that he is with me and one day I will get to hold him. There is hope and your angels will help you find it. You are all very specials mothers

[dory]

Katiegirl - thanks for popping in, it's always good to hear success stories, because of the hope they offer. So glad to hear that your Anna is 17 months and UTD again! My feverent hope is that all of the wonderful mothers in here at the mo, will be popping back in the future to offer support, when theirs is the story of hope. Bless Nathaniel and your family.

Chez - good to hear from you. It's nice to be kept busy and distracted sometimes huh? But as nice as it is to have visitors its also nice to get the house back, but then I miss the visitors. So many contradictions. I hope your 2WW goes quickly... and that you did catch that eggie, stress and all. Isn't said that its when you least expect it?

I hope you are feeling a bit better, physically and emotionally. I think it was good for you to take the day off work. By the sounds of it, you really needed the extra sleep and rest. We can all understand the fear... I hope it doesn't get to you too much, but how can it not? After a while even believing gets a bit tired, but it bounces back, otherwise this thread wouldn't exist. Sending you strength.

Cmeggles - oh sweetie - I wish I was there with you ( well one second thoughts given the BDing...maybe not) Hope your trip is just so relaxing and let you and DH connect and chill. I think there is something so peaceful yet energising about the beach. The beach is one of my special places.

Crumpet - I know it's hard to feel "happy" about your birthday, but sweetie, honestly, it's ok to feel a little less sad on your birthday and maybe even smile and you don't have to feel guilty for doing so either. ? You are worthy of love and you are deserving of peace.

It's hard to go to those events and functions where we would have been pregnant, they are so much tougher than people on the outside realise. I remember the first game of sport I played after Ameila, I was so excited to be playing again because I just love it so much, but so so devastated that I was in a position to play. I sucked it up before the game, during warm up and during the game, but afterwards when the game ends and we shake hands of the opposition I was just sobbing as I hugged most people. I know and am friends with most of that opposition team, so they were used to the hugs, but not the sobbing. Then I just stood in the middle of the pitch with my arms outstretched and head raised to the heavens, tears coarsing down my cheeks. It was actually a really important release for me, and I didn't expect it to be that intense.

I hope you got to wear soomething special to the wedding to help you feel confident.

Wednesday is not far away. Thinking of you.....giving you strength.

CharliB, Teni - no "answers" is harder than answers. Charlie - you seem a little more at peace with that, and I hope for you that is what gives you some comfort and helps you heal.

Teni - it's ok to be angry. It is unfair. Why can such a cruel thing happen when there was nothing wrong? I know babe. I know those feeling and I know those thoughts. I am glad you wre able to get them out and express them. I only hope that in time you can find some peace with the "information" you do have. It doesn't take away that Ianto is your darling and much loved angel son and that you are his beloved mother, nothing can ever take that away.

Angelic - it must still be crazy for you. Thinking of you

Aries, Blessed, TUP - thinking of you.

To anyone I have missed but not named, even those who haven't posted for a while. Sending you my love and lots of strength.

AFM - All good here, ups and downs and periods of absolute despair and fear, but I think that's just part of the journey. I am so glad to have 3 cuddly and empathetic fur babies. Today, they are truly my joy and blessing. I wonder if they even know it?

[Aries]

Hey everyone!

Sorry its been a while since my last post - been really busy with work and study.

I wont try to catch up on everything, but want to send everyone of you my thoughts.

I had a call from my FS on Friday to say that the blood test I had on Wednesday had come back that I was about to ovulate!!! As I posted a while ago - the last round of clomid didnt work as I had no eggs mature BUT they have obviously decided to grow about 1 week late! Gosh my body is weird sometimes......

I also booked myself in for my tattoo So very out of character for me - Mum is having one done too. I am getting Beloved Son in japanese kanji writing really small on my wrist and Mum is getting Beloved Grandchild on her ankle. We have been talking about it for months but have been too chicken!! Of course if I fall this month - I will be glad to cancel

Its Alexander's first birthday on the 5th of May - we are going to the crematorium to release one balloon and I have written a piece for the paper. Do you think its alright to write someone a bday card even thought they are not around in person anymore? I feel like I want to continue adding to Alex's photo album and memory box for little occasions but am getting mixed reactions.

Bye for now ladies - baby wishes to you all xxx

[crumpet]

Crumpet
'All stations' Love it! You made me chuckle- sounds good to me. Bummer about the job hun. It is amazing isn't how you rnew world can crumble at the drop of a hat. Don't be hard on yourself though sweet and expect you to be all fine by now. I think the counsellor sounds like a good idea but it is still so early to expect too much. I met a lady today who lost her son 8 years ago and she still has her new normal IYKWIM. It was of huge comfort for me to hear that from her. She was lovely and so very normal and made me feel ok for where I am at...took a lot of pressure off me. Gus would be mega proud of you hun. Happy Birthday for next week. I will say it now as I think I will be MIA for a bit of 'me' time. Have a wonderful day and although you are not pregas, you are still a mummy, don;t ever forget that. I knwo not how you would have dreamed, but true all the same.

lol thanks hun, glad to be able to put a smile on ur dial!!!

it just feels like its the right time to see someone and thats how i knew i needed to do it....

Thanks sweetie.
DD's date is 21st of April..Wednesday. Not that one day in particular is more special. But that was the day she was born.
Thank you Dory for your lovely thoughts, words and love. xoxoox

will be thiking of u wednesday.......

Hi everyone. I just thought I would pop in as this is a section of the forum that got me through very dark times after we lost our first baby, a boy Nathaniel at 20 weeks. I have been reading some of your stories and wanted to send you all hugs and hope for the future. I know that it is heartbreaking and life shattering to have to farewell your babies, but I hope you find some strength in here with each other to take each day as it comes. I am now the happy mum to an earth baby Anna who is 17 months and am 35 weeks pregnant with No.3. I still miss Nathaniel and have my sad times but I know that he is with me and one day I will get to hold him. There is hope and your angels will help you find it. You are all very specials mothers

wow thanks for popping it, its fab to hear sucess stories!!

Crumpet - I know it's hard to feel "happy" about your birthday, but sweetie, honestly, it's ok to feel a little less sad on your birthday and maybe even smile and you don't have to feel guilty for doing so either. ? You are worthy of love and you are deserving of peace.

It's hard to go to those events and functions where we would have been pregnant, they are so much tougher than people on the outside realise. I remember the first game of sport I played after Ameila, I was so excited to be playing again because I just love it so much, but so so devastated that I was in a position to play. I sucked it up before the game, during warm up and during the game, but afterwards when the game ends and we shake hands of the opposition I was just sobbing as I hugged most people. I know and am friends with most of that opposition team, so they were used to the hugs, but not the sobbing. Then I just stood in the middle of the pitch with my arms outstretched and head raised to the heavens, tears coarsing down my cheeks. It was actually a really important release for me, and I didn't expect it to be that intense.

I hope you got to wear soomething special to the wedding to help you feel confident.

Wednesday is not far away. Thinking of you.....giving you strength.

AFM - All good here, ups and downs and periods of absolute despair and fear, but I think that's just part of the journey. I am so glad to have 3 cuddly and empathetic fur babies. Today, they are truly my joy and blessing. I wonder if they even know it?

thanks hun, im sure shan will make my bday a bit spesh for me, he obviously knows im not as perky as usual so i dare say he will make sure i have fun....

the wedding was great, stunning actually but the whole time we were there i was thinking to myself that i should have been the preggie guest that was nearly ready to pop.....

ill be sure to let u all know how i go wednesday....

oohhh hun it is one big rollercoaster of a journey, and im sure ur furbabies know that u need them and are willing to be there for u for loads of cuddles i know my girls are always ready for a hug!!!

Hey everyone!

Sorry its been a while since my last post - been really busy with work and study.

I wont try to catch up on everything, but want to send everyone of you my thoughts.

I had a call from my FS on Friday to say that the blood test I had on Wednesday had come back that I was about to ovulate!!! As I posted a while ago - the last round of clomid didnt work as I had no eggs mature BUT they have obviously decided to grow about 1 week late! Gosh my body is weird sometimes......

I also booked myself in for my tattoo So very out of character for me - Mum is having one done too. I am getting Beloved Son in japanese kanji writing really small on my wrist and Mum is getting Beloved Grandchild on her ankle. We have been talking about it for months but have been too chicken!! Of course if I fall this month - I will be glad to cancel

Its Alexander's first birthday on the 5th of May - we are going to the crematorium to release one balloon and I have written a piece for the paper. Do you think its alright to write someone a bday card even thought they are not around in person anymore? I feel like I want to continue adding to Alex's photo album and memory box for little occasions but am getting mixed reactions.

Bye for now ladies - baby wishes to you all xxx

hi!! great news from the FS hun.... and good job on the tat!!!
id love to get one, DH is getting his done on Gus's due date which is the day before his bday, but i just dont have the "balls" to do it...i dont like needles at the best of times and im terrified it will hurt ....... if i got anything it would be a G somewhere but i wouldnt even know where