Oh Dream, please don't feel like one persons experience is any harder than the next. As the other ladies have said, you are an amazing woman for having the courage to keep trying. I am inspired by you and want you to know that no matter how many earth babies you have, as a woman it is your right to continue to have as many children as you desire. I sometimes feel envious of people who have children already, I think I just want to give a little person that I have created a warm cuddle, hold them near to me and tell them I love them. However I think losing a baby once you already have children presents so many different emotions because I guess you compare the earth baby with the angel baby. I just want you to know that if you decide that enough is enough, it is not giving up. You are a brave brave woman and I will miss you if you leave this thread but if you decide to leave, please drop in now and again and let us know how you are
Lynn: When I read what you said about not wanting to leave the house I can remember thinking exactly the same thing. It is the most aweful feeling of 'I have forgotten something' because Cooper is a part of you and it is totally natural to yearn for him. I would even spend hours daydreaming about what I would dress him in depending on the weather, which of his darling little booties, which of his precious outfits would suit where we were going. Even the prospect of leaving the house basically made me panic and for the first few tries I had to tell DH I couldn't do it and turn around and go home. I am usually such an outgoing person, really social (we have a great group of friends) but every time I let the house I had the most intense sense of guilt that I was leaving Harrison behind. To help me feel better I wear a heart pendant necklace. I wore a similar one while pregnant and I gave it to Harrison at the funeral. I also carry a little photo album with his pictures in it where ever I go, just so I know that if I need to see him, all I have to do is open my purse. I talk to him evey day and like you go into the nursery and open his windows. I kiss his urn and sometimes even tell him a fairytail. As all our stuff is packed at the moment, I have Harrison beside our blow up bed with a teddy, his little box of memories where we have kept all our treasured trinkets and a lovely angel penant that Mel gave to me. I give him a kiss morning and night. It is my way of continuing on his memory. I don't think it is weird, his is my child and my instinct to comfort him and love him is as strong as it could possibly be. I think the idea of the garden is wonderful, I almost feel like writing to Jamie Durie and getting him to do Coopers garden but that may not be what you would want. Just know that the feelings that you are having I have felt and continue to feel. Day by day babe, but just know that you will not be walking this painful path alone. We are all here for you.
Mel: I am so happy you got in with the psychologist. I won't go into what we discussed this arvo but I am sure when you visit later tonight you will share your experience. I hope Mexican was good and that you had a margarita for me like you promised
Bailey99: Hey honey, how did your results go. I have been thinking about you. When you are ready we are all here to support you no matter what the results.
Baby-amore: once I have posted this message I am going to look at Charlotte's garden. My stinking computer keeps freezing so I didn't want to risk losing this post. How are you sweety, I hope that you are well
Well to everyone else, all our things were moved today and we are sleeping on the blow up bed. Lucky it isn't O time otherwise I would be worried that it would pop (lol) Our belonings don't arrive in Sydney until Tuesday so we are spending each night out having dinner at friends houses. Tonight I am going to my big sisters house. Her support to DH and I since losing Harrison has been amazing. I love her so much and couldn't have asked for a better big sis.
I pop in later depending on what time we get home.
Spotting has started so I think it may be a BFN for us this month :frown: Got a BFN this morning but I am going to keep testing on the misguided hope that it is implantation bleeding.
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