TTC after Late Loss/ Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth after 1st trimester ~ Dec 2006

[Lynn]

Hi everyone,

Clare - I have thought about donating bracelets to the hospital where Cooper was born for families affected by stillbirths. I was going to make one for mum and one for bub like I did for me and Cooper. I am more than happy to make you one. Feel free to email me and let me know what you would like. I make them out of crystal glass beads. Mine is clear and blue but I can make any colour.

Mel - I'm glad that you have made a decision about your injection. It must be a weight lifted off your shoulders as I'm sure you were thinking about it all the time. I can totally understand that you can't wait 5 months to TTC. I know I couldn't. I got through my pregnancy with Cooper with a low rubella immunisation, I'm sure you will too. I know what you mean about needing something to get through each day. I'm glad that you saw the psychologist. I have been seeing one for 3 weeks now and I'm not sure if it is helping as I feel like I am crying my eyes out the whole time. I guess it is good just to do that. Why do people not want to see a photo of Nicholas - I would love to.

Trish - I hope I am helping people. I have just received so much support here and I just want to give some back. Sometimes I just don't know what to say so I hope I am writing the right thing. Charlotte's garden is beautiful. Mine won't be that big but I will try to make it just as special. I think I know what I am going to do now - just need DH to build the garden bed. It will be made out of the same blocks you used for charlotte's garden because we already have garden beds made out of them and have some left over. I found a cherub statue and am getting a plaque made. I also found a cherub on a star - can you believe that? I wouldn't have been able to find one if I tried but I just saw it in Bunnings and had to buy it (well 4 of them actually!). Stars mean so much to me as Cooper has a star named after him.

Spring - I'm sure Jamie Durie would do an amazing garden but this is something that I want to design and do myself. But thank you for the thought. When are you moving to Sydney? I hope you get your BFP and that it is only implantation spotting. Fingers crossed.

Kerry - Sometimes I do the same thing. Write a post and then hit back. I don't know why, maybe I don't know how I am feeling, what I am feeling and so don't know how to communicate it with others. I just have so many feelings flying around at the moment, I just don't know how to talk about them.

Bailey - It must be a relief to know the reason why you lost your little angel. I'm so sorry that she never had a chance. I know the feeling about blaming yourself. I was there - still am.

I know that losing Cooper was just an accident (stupid cord) but I still don't understand how something like this can happen. Isn't the cord supposed to give them life? How does it happen to me but not the next person but then targets the person after that - why are we picked? How won't it happen again? I just keep thinking if only I had realised he wasn't moving I could have gone to the hospital and saved him. I thought I could feel him kicking even when I was told there was no heartbeat - how am I meant to know what is a brackston hick and what is bubby kicking. And if I didn't know with Cooper, how will I know next time.

The worst part is that Cooper passed a few days before I was told there was no heartbeat (what kind of a mother doesn't know her bubby isn't moving?????) and so his skin was very soft when he was born. DH and I made the decision that we would be the only ones to hold and see Cooper but now I am having regrets. I wished that my parents could have held him. We took photos but decided that they would only be for us. We have only showed our families a photo of his feet and hands but that is it. I read how some of you have photos of your babies around the house and I can't do that. I'm just so angry at myself because if I had realised sooner that his little heart had stopped, he could have been born sooner. I just feel terrible that I did that to his skin and that he was never given the chance to be held by his grandparents. But we just didn't want to hurt him anymore. He was just so perfect and beautiful.

[Spring Angel]

Kerry, boy do you sound like me. Sometimes I write a post and think, am I two!!! I feel like I can't put into words what is in my mind and my heart but the best thing is that even if you ramble, say something that doesn't make sense or the words just arn't right, everyone in here will know exactly what you mean and will not judge you if your words fail you. I hope you keep visiting us, and I hope that we can keep giving you support from afar.

Lynn - Mel and I have discussed exactly what you mentioned about the babies skin. The doctors call it skin slip. Even though I made it to the hospital with 12 hours of Harrison becoming an angel, his was still fragile and tore in some places. I found that so difficult to deal with and have only every discussed how it made me feel with Mel and DH, so please, please do not feel like you are a bad mother for not realising Cooper had become an angel. I too thought I could still feel Harrison moving and even to this day I occasionally have to tell myself that it was not a kick I just felt.... We too had to decide who would hold Harrison, we chose only immediate family and three of my closest girlfriends that I had known since Primary school. I don't know if we made the right decision, did people only hold him because they felt obligated, were they scared of how he looked or how he felt, was holding Harrison only something DH and I should have had the honour of doing? It is amazing how your mind is your worst enemy and you second guess every decision you have made. But Lynn, you made the right decision for you at that time. I wanted photos of Harrison but when I was taking them I was worried that it would be disrespectful to him. I look at those photos all the time, his skin may be mottled, his lips a deep crimson read and his little hands gently cleanched, but he is our son and no matter what, his is the most amazingly beautiful person. Don't be concerned if you aren't ready to show his pictures, you may never want to share them but if you feel that you would like to, I would be honoured to see him.

I will be in Sydney on Tuesday 16, and DH has organised for the internet to be connected that day so as soon as we are organised I will get online and say howdy neighbour.

Mel: How you doing today babe? How is AF treating you? Has she left you alone yet? I understand you decision to not get the injection and I know that it is a very well considered decision. I also know that as you say you have made it to 29 without a problem so I think that you are doing the right thing for you. Fingers crossed for a BFP this month. I know it may coincide with Nicholas' 1st Birthday but I also know he would want his Mummy and Daddy to be happy no matter what.

Hey Clare: I was wondering how you were honey and glad you popped in. You are one of our first success stories so you just have to keep us up to date. Are you starting to feel a little more relaxed? Stupid question huh but I really hope that you are getting excited about that miracle growing in your belly.

Bailey99: I hope that you feel some comfort in the fact that you have an answer to why your little baby became an angel. I am sure it is bittersweet for you but it is reassuring that the doctors said it is highly unlikely to happen again. On the guilty feeling you have, I have spent so much time and energy feeling guilty. I just want you to know that there was nothing, nothing you could have done. Hope you are feeling OK sweety and that you stick around our thread.


Trish: I followed the link to Charlottes Garden and it looks like a wonderful, magical place. You must feel so comforted sitting on those benches and know that it is a speacial area for your little angel to rest her wings. I wish I was that talented and had a green thumb like you.


Oh well, we are going out for dinner again tonight because all our stuff is in a truck on the way to Sydney. We just went to see Pursuit of Happiness and it was such an inspiring movie. The main character Chris overcame so much in his pursuit of happiness. I warn you though, take alot of tissues, it is a tear jearker.

Spotting has eased off today but that seems to be how AF is these days.

Still testing like a maniac so I'll let you know if I see that magical second line.

Love
Spring

[kerry]

Thanks girls. OK here is a quick run down..
Angel1 - lost at 13w due to domestic violence (previous partner), Angel2 - lost at 8w,
Angel3 - lost at 8w (Brigid's twin), Angel4 - lost at 9w (fell pg 5w after B's birth), Angel6 - lost at 6w (one of triplets), Angels7&8 - boys, born sleeping at 15w, un-named (Nov 06).

I am currently having every test known to man run on me, but it looks like there has been some internal scarring from the incident with my first angel (and a previous incident) and also some carry over auto immune problems from some tropical disease I caught as a teenager. It just seems every time I have tests they find more problems, some of which mean gene councelling, some which actually need medical intervention on their own, and but still no definative answers. My doctor calls Brigid my stay behind angel as she has a birthmark in the middle of her back licke a bruise right between her shoulder blades.. he says its where her wings would have been but she stuck... I just cry every time I see it, which is everyday as my DP is now my XP and I have to do all the dressing and bathing.

Sometimes I wonder what I have done wrong and why I don't deserve to have my babies stay with me... other times I wonder what I have done right that I have my little miracle bub.

[Baby~amore`]

Jo
I was typing at same time.I am so sorry for your little angels ... words fail me I just can't imagine losing so many precious babies. Brigid is one special little girl.

[Baby~amore`]

Lynn I could have written those exact words

The worst part is that Cooper passed a few days before I was told there was no heartbeat (what kind of a mother doesn't know her bubby isn't moving?????) and so his skin was very soft when he was born. DH and I made the decision that we would be the only ones to hold and see Cooper but now I am having regrets. I wished that my parents could have held him. We took photos but decided that they would only be for us. We have only showed our families a photo of his feet and hands but that is it. I read how some of you have photos of your babies around the house and I can't do that. I'm just so angry at myself because if I had realised sooner that his little heart had stopped, he could have been born sooner. I just feel terrible that I did that to his skin and that he was never given the chance to be held by his grandparents. But we just didn't want to hurt him anymore. He was just so perfect and beautiful.

I didn't know either and so did many others I have spoken too. It is so sad we were so innocent then.

My Dad passed away 5 days beofre Charlotte's 1st anniversary and we never even told him we were doing IVF ... he was in the same hospital were we were doing it and where he passed away.I regret he never got to hold my daughter or sons.In fact the last time I saw him alive was by accident when we were going for a transfer (unsuccessful though) we bumped into him & Mum in the corridor of Westmead hosp -(a huge hosp if you don't know) - then we didn't to see him as I had a cold and too busy :frown:.


We made our garden on longweekend 4 wks after Charlotte passed away and 3 weeks after we moved to this house without her .. that we bought becasue of her coming.So it was fitting. We have angel statues too and a little girl on a mushroom. I am sure whatever you do will honour Cooper.The cherub on a star sounds perfect.

I wanted to tell you ladies too a lady does pastel and pencil sketchs from photos and removes the blemishes so you can display them on the wall. Many of my friends have have them done and they are so beautiful. I can email her details. Not that they aren't beautiful as we saw them but photos don't do them justice and so sad a reminder. Plus many of us just don't want anyone to see our angels that way.

I have wanted to get a sign and plague made but haven't yet ... I saw a beautiful teddy on in bronze - as we don't have her ashes at home but it is used for a gravesite .

Bailey - I am so sorry for your little girl what did you name her ? if you don't mind.

Spring - again your words are so errily like what I feel/felt.we have tickets to see that movie - thanks for the warning did you see the guy IRL on Oprah.