Thanks for the welcome ladies. I might not be around much as we're not TTCing yet, but I can live vicariously through you
It's good to know there are people who can relate, even if the circumstances are different.
Beata - thanks for your story about your two sons. I think I'll probably want a little boy until I find out it's a girl, then I'll love her with all my heart. And if we have a little boy, that would be wonderful and I'll try not to project my longing for Leo on him. And hopefully it won't harm him if I do.
Powelly - you're right. I do have 1000 things going on in my head, not least of which is missing my son. I know each child is different and will be loved for themselves (hey I'm a 3rd child, so it must be true). Maybe I'm overanalysing things. I do really feel part of me died with Leo, so I won't be able to offer future children my self as I used to be. Hopefully the woman I am now will be good enough.
Tess - I also want the bad nights and the breastfeeding problems my friends are going through. In fact I reserve the right to whinge about them as much or more when my time comes I've read Spirit Baby - it's lovely. I guess my job is to get as healthy as possible for the next pregnancy, try not to freak out too much during it and love whomever comes with all my heart. Fx this is your month. I hope you're getting help for the PTSD. I found writing Leo's birth story incredibly difficult, but it did help to get it out there. See if you can write it for yourself- you don't have to share it if you don't feel up for it. But if you do, you'll get a lot of support. Have you seen the thread for debriefing traumatic births?
Unfortunately as it turns out we are carriers for a genetic disease that Leo had, we have a 25% chance each pregnancy of this occuring again. We're waiting for Leo's DNA to be analysed to see if they'll be able to provide prenatal testing (via CVS) in future pregnancies. I hate to think about it, but if this reoccurred, we would not continue the pregnancy. We could never put another child or ourselves through this again. So we need to feel strong enough to risk that before we TTC again.
Tash, I am so sorry hunni about the genetic disease. I really hope you can get the help that you need when you decide to TTC. Just a thought that popped into my head, and please tell me if I am way off base, but would you ever consider IVF where then can screen the embryos so only the ones that are not affected can be put in? I know IVF is not for everyone, although I didn't find it that bad-not physically, but harder emotionally.
As for a part of us dying with the loss of a baby/child, you are so right hun. I will never be the same person I was before Josh, and I have to admit I often wondered if I could love Cam as much as I love Josh, but once Cam was born I was just so happy he was in my life, my heart filled with so much love, I often wonder if I could possibly love another human being any more. And hun, when you have your earthside baby, you will be the best mum in the world, you'll see
Hi Beata. The problem with IVF PGD is multiple. They may not be able to create the probe to test a single cell of the embryo. It could take years to develop if they could (and we don't have years). Fertile couples have the same or worse chance of conception with IVF PGD, as the IVF process is the same, but the embyros may be defective. And the deciding factor for us - they can only test for one thing. So assuming a whole heap of things lined up and we produced an embryo that was unaffected by ARPKD (the genetic disease), the baby could still have chromosone or other issues and we may find ourselves in the same painful position. Weighing up probabilities, possibilities and our own emotional strength, it's not something we'll pursue at this time.
We still have 75% chance of an unaffected baby. So when the time comes, we'll close our eyes, wish on a star, cross everything and hope we get a healthy child.
I think anyone who's held their child in their arms or dreamed of holding their baby knows just how important it is to have a baby. I have friends who choose to remain childless and they'll never understand this bone deep yearning for children. Which is fine for them, but not for us. I suppose it is like I could not understand why some people choose to have a large family until Leo was born and the love that came was amazing. Then I understood why people would choose to do it. We won't, but I can understand better now.
Like no-one who's never lost a child can understand the agony of it.
Tashybabe-I know that yearning. I had it for 8 years before Ellen (she was stillborn at 41 weeks) was concieved and now I have it worse (which I didn't think was possible). I am very sorry to hear of your genetic problems.
It might help you to hear that I totally chose to disregard the %'s and statistics. I believe we are all individuals and by that these figures mean nothing in our reality. I have chosen to ignore the %'s I have been given for falling pg. I suggest you believe in yourselves not the statistics about your genetic issues.
I never wanted to become one of those crazy women who were obsessed about having kids, but sadly I have.
In other news I have changed FS. WOW, what a huge difference! The new FS actually checked me thoroughly and asked lots of questions and didn't pigeon hole me. I am so so sad we did not go to her in the first place......
I am doing another tracking cycle this month and feeling more positive.
Powelly- I hope the testing and prodding gives you the answers you need.
Kate - that's great news that you were able to change FS so quickly and he/she is so much better. I hope they treat you well. You're right about ignoring the numbers. We are not just a statistic, Leo was not just a statistic. He was a very loved little boy. His siblings, when they come, will be very much loved as well.
Tess - hope your temp is still up
Powelly - hope the test results give you some answers.
Not much here. We've had confirmation that all the samples are finally in the UK for testing, so we're on a wait for those results - hopefully we'll have something by Christmas. Otherwise I'm just tracking things to see if they've returned for normal. I even bought some OPKs because they were on sale. From memory the Forelife ones are OK? I know the Frist Response OPKs are useless. My temps are all over the place, but then I'm having trouble sleeping, having insomnia, not waking at the same time, so it's not very accurate. It doesn't matter for now but when I TTC, it will be more important.
Kate - I am so glad you were able to find a new FS so fast and so far you are more confident with her your post definatly does sound positive. Sadly, with childless mothers I have started to see what we all have in common is the "obsession" to concieve is incredible. I know I have had to step back a few times, as stressing will get me no where. All the best for this month, I am hoping this is a good tracking month for you. Please dont be too sad about not going to her first, hindsight is a rotten thing. Even though I know we all carry it.
Powelly - GL on the test results.
Beata - I too will neer be the same person I was before losing Matthew. Little things seem so insignificant now. For example, the morning I went in to labour, it was a slow progress, and instead of stressing everyone out I went about getting my youngest ready for school. Now, I cant believe how stressed I was about it, but I growled at him several times for using the FULL FLUSH on the toilet when going for a pee. Can you believe that??? Telling him about how high the water bill was this quater. My My. For some reason THAT sticks in my head, he didnt know I was in labour. (he is a worrier). I am almost ashamed I was like that before Februrary, but now, you know what??? I really couldnt care less. Life is far too short, and you never know what tomorrow brings. Things that change your life in an instant.
tashybabe - I hope you get results before Christmas. Fx for you. If it helps at all I am doing my OPKs and my temps at 4pm. Also making sure it is a resting temp. If I did it in the morning I would be in the mid 40s I am sure. HAHA hubby is an oven. OK in winter but come summer.... OMG
GiGi - I hope things are well with you. I know you have been off and about. But I am thinking of you.
AFM - wow as I am typing this I have just had my first coffee for the day and now I feel like vomiting it up.... Anyway, D Day today, AF due to come knocking. My temps did dip down to 36.9 on 8dpo but then slowly started rising again back to 37.6 last night 12dpo. I am reading my body very closly and maybe I shouldnt. But I cant help it. A few days ago the negativity started creeping in about this month. Now I am back on the fence about it. I have an awfull coppery taste in my mouth, that I have never had before. OH I forgot to mention, I have been using the cheapo Pregnancy tests that I got from Ebay. My friend is starting to think they might be faulty??? as they keep showing Whats your thoughts?
I have my second appointment with the phsycologist today. I am skepical about the process, but I am going with the flow for now. Thank you Tashybabe for directing me to the birth trauma section. There is so much in this forum I have not even seen and I thought I had delved pretty deep while I was lurking. I did a bit of a lurk through there, I will have a better look shortly.
Anyway fx everyone in the hope that AF stays away. I am sick of the sight of her, a break of about 9 months would be nice.
Sorry for very quick post, just wanted to let you know all the results came back fantastic. The ob/gyn said nothing indicates a problem and that we have probably just been "unlucky". So we just try and try and try again! My biggest hurdle now is my head... starting to doubt my mental ability to continue on this journey. I keep visualising the end result but argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! I think I'm just having a bad day and AF (the nasty *****) is giving me hell! Hugs to all :-)
I've read Spirit Baby - it's lovely. I guess my job is to get as healthy as possible for the next pregnancy, try not to freak out too much during it and love whomever comes with all my heart. Fx this is your month. I hope you're getting help for the PTSD. I found writing Leo's birth story incredibly difficult, but it did help to get it out there. See if you can write it for yourself- you don't have to share it if you don't feel up for it. But if you do, you'll get a lot of support. Have you seen the thread for debriefing traumatic births?
Morning Ladies
Whats your thoughts?
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