J- If you could find the name of that book it would be great. Unfortunately I have read everything ever given to me but no one else around me is interested. They all just think I should "get over it" and get on with life. They all think that going to support groups and talking to ladies like you is making me more upset - they just dont get that life will never be like it was for me - there is a new kind of normal for me now and it involves all of you wonderful women and me trying anything I can to keep Ethan in my life somehow. The funny thing is that the only time I get really upset or depressed is when people like my sister say stupid, insensitive things - so following her logic - I should stay away from her so I dont get upset??

I have also kept anything and everything I could from Ethans birth. I just made a collage of photos last night but have been told its not appropriate to put up in the lounge as it may upset people??? I also have a blanket that was made for him by a lovely stranger I met the week before he came. It has a stain on it from him which my MIL wants to wash and I wont let her. I have his urn and a photo on my dresser which I kiss goodby to each morning as I leave for work. I would have loved to keep his clothes but it was very important to me also to have him well dressed (for when he met his great grandma in heaven) and warm as it was a really cold rainy day when we lost him.

CeCe - you are so strong - I wish I could tell my whole family to get stuffed and that I cant go to "the event". But whenever I try to explain how nervous I am about attending I just get "you know how upset your sister will be if you dont go - just go and keep the peace". My sister is a stay at home Mum but has her kids in child care 2 days per week and the other days they are at kinder/pre school. She spends any time she does have with them shopping or doing lunch and as I have said before she partakes in some unhealthy habits, and it kills me that she pops out babies so easily. She actually said the other day that she wondered if she might be pg again and if she was she "would have to get rid of it"!! Someone said a while ago that they wished our loss would happen to their sister so they would understand how hard it is - I feel like that too -unfortunately I wouldnt be able to stand by and watch her suffer so it wouldnt be the same would it??

I found something to wear to "the event" on Friday night after weeks of looking. I took a photo of myself wearing it in the change room and sent it to my sister so she could approve (which she did) and now she tells me the "theme" is pink (and my outfit is black, grey and orange). So she told me I would have to return it and find something else! I am a size 22 so its not a simple task to find something not too expensive (I have had lap banding and dont want to spend too much on clothes that wont fit me withing a month or 2), "flowy and pink" and suitable for a christening and a w#@$%*!.....

Mel - I hope you are ok and being kind to yourself?

All my love to everyone

N