After my first birth I decided I was definitely having a Doula second time around. While DP was great managing my head space he had no idea what to suggest etc when things were not going as planned. If I had a doula with me then things might have been different.
Needless to say when I suggested a doula for the above reasons this time he was fine with it. I think it's the fact that they have seen many many births and DP has seen 1. The experience is a big factor in that the doula actually knows more than he does.
Thanks for all ur replies ladies. An old friend of mine had this said Doula and she said she couldnt have been more helpful. I have tried explaining everything to him about her role. I met with her one morning, and she went through some stuff. DP came home for lunch and she was still here so he got to meet her. I just feel I need someone there that will stay cool, calm, and collected.
BellyBelly- Id love to be able to come to Melbourne for the session but unfortunately things are a little tight here, and Id have to bring the kids and DP.
I will try and have a chat to him more about it tonight. Im starting to worry as time goes on, that I wont be able to handle this birth without the support of someone else as well as him.
Bridget, did you get that bit of info I sent you via email?
What DP needs to understand is that doulas don't take the role of your partner, and he would be amazed at how well he would get to know this doula before the birth.
I think you really need to get him to understand that your birth is not a textbook birth. Women attempting VBAC are treated differently and he will need to be prepared for this.
Good luck, and let me know if I can help you futher. Maybe I could come for a visit when he is home (when I am feeling a little better )
I really saw a different side to my partner when I was in labour. For everything we talked about, things I wanted her to do for me and the decisions I wanted her to make for me if I couldn't make them myself she was... well quite honestly... useless. She was becoming a parent as well though, you know, so its not like it wasn't understandable. She'd never seen a woman in labour except for on TV, and of course it was ME in labour she just went into panic panic panic 'fix it' mode.
If you KNOW that you're partner isn't going to be the very very very best support person that you need, have a doula. As far as I'm concerned I'm having a doula no question next time and if Shel says no then quite honestly she can go jump, its her problem and she can deal with it because I'm having one end of story.
Maybe you could say "oh the doula can help you support me because she's been through it so she'll be able to tell you what I need, so you don't feel helpless and out of control". Which is how I've said it to Shel. She's still warming to it, but then she's still warming to the home VBAC idea too so one thing at a time LOL.
Just remember. YOU are the one who has to live with the possible 'what ifs' later on if you don't get a doula and things don't go to plan.
Hun, I don't know if my opinion is going to be very helpful, but here it is:
Yes, this is his baby, too. But ultimately, you are the one who has to birth it and you get to choose who is there to support you. If he pushes the baby out, he gets to choose.
You know what, it is actually perfectly acceptable to kick DH out of the room if he is distracting you instead of helping you. Most of us wouldn't want to do that, but it might be necessary for some people sometimes.
My DH wanted me to get private health cover before falling pregnant and then get an OB. He was all for c/s and pain relief. Well, I'm sorry, it wasn't his decision. I told him how I was going to do things (public birth centre) and I told him why. It took him a while to understand, but since meeting my MW for the first time, he changed his mind completely. And the birth went so well. He's now one of he biggest advocates of the birth centre and the MW based care. And he's genuinely happy that we're going down that path again. Sometimes it just actually takes them to see the benefit to get it.
Why is your DH so against a doula? Is he afraid she'll stop you from getting necessary interventions? Is he afraid she'll make him feel useless? You know, you've gotta tell him that during a hospital birth there might be quite a few people in the room. There might be a couple of midwives, an OB, an anaesthetist, oh, and the baby at the end of it... It's not going to be just you and him the whole time.
Stand up for yourself. You need to do whatever it takes to set yourself up for the birth you want. Women have traditionally been there to support other women during birth. A doula knows what she's doing much better than he does. Maybe she's even had a baby herself. Your DH can be there to help you on an emotional level, be your rock, make sure you drink, while she's there to help you in a more physical way.
Alternatively you could give him 2 options and hope he chooses option 2:
1) Do a course on how to be an effective labour supporter, watch birth videos to desensitise him and do his research, know the facts on interventions so that he can actually make informed decisions on your behalf. You might not be able to tell him what it is you want (I couldn't talk through some of my labour), so he can't just "back you up" he needs to know in advance what decision you would make in any situation and be able to speak for you.
2) hire a doula to take over this role so that he has time to support you emotionally and just enjoy the amazing ride that becoming a father is, without the pressure of being somewhat responsible for the outcome.
All the best, darl!
Saša
Last edited by sunshine_sieben; January 29th, 2009 at 09:45 AM.
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before the birth. 
(when I am feeling a little better 
)
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