I wish I'd had a doula...

[Indadhanu]

I know wishing won't help now, but I wanted to post. Hopefully someone who isn't sure if they want a doula or not will make the decision to have one at the birth.

I'm sure it would have made a difference. Shel and I were talking last night about the birth, and I realised. I got no support from my midwives. Yes they were there, it was comforting to have them there, and the fact that they were the ones who saw me throughout the whole pregnancy was great, I trusted them. But they weren't there when I needed them. They weren't there when I couldn't find the right position to labour in, they weren't there when I needed suggestions, they weren't there when I couldn't see the end. Shel told me they never suggested the bath or shower, and they never helped when I didn't know how to use the shower (might seem silly but I just couldn't work out where it would give me the most relaxation). Shel tried to give me massage, but we couldn't work out where it would be most effective, the midwife offered no suggestions.

I remember my midwives saying very few things to me. I do remember them saying "have you thought about pain relief". So on their recommendation I used the gas. She set the bed up for me. I layed on the bed making myself sick with the gas, which didn't even work anyway... She never suggested moving somewhere else. My labour slowed down so she recommended the drip. Once she put the drip in she said I should have moved around, and thats why my labour stalled At 4am, my midwife also said I should be pushing my baby out by 8am. 8am came, I hadn't dilated despite being on the drip, and I became hysterical. Again i couldn't see the end. Wasn't I supposed to be pushing? Shouldn't I be closer to meeting my baby? My midwife suggested an epidural as I was hysterical. She tried to calm me down first, by saying "calm down". Obviously, it didn't work. I had the epidural. I begged for the epidural, something Shel laughs about but it makes me so sad that everything I had hoped for vanished. Eventually I was fully dilated, and instructed to push. I couldn't feel her coming down, thanks to the epidural, but i had excruiating pain in my hip. I had to have a c/s, where it was discovered Jazz was stuck sideways. Had my midwife encouraged me to move, at the beginning of the labour, perhaps Jazz would have moved down into a better spot?

I KNEW that, from all the reading I did, but in the middle of labour everything I read just flew out of the window. How was I supposed to remember it all while I was feeling the deepest pain I'd ever felt?

I wish I'd had a doula. I wish I'd had someone there who could have walked with me. Someone who could have reminded me that this WOULD end evenutally. Someone who could have made suggestions, who could have pushed me to keep moving, who could have reminded me of the plans I wanted, and the consequences of not moving, the conequences of the drip, of the gas, or the epidural..... someone who was there for ME. Someone who wouldn't keep me on the clock. Someone who wasn't trying to get me in and out. Ultiamtely, I wish I'd had a doula who could have stopped me going to hospital so early. Who could have supported me at home for a bit.

Its hurt to write this, but I needed to. I needed to for me, and for someone else. I wish I'd had a doula. Thats all I wanted to say. I wish someone had been there for me and me alone. I wish someone had walked with me through the whole thing, instead of skipping in and out to add chemicals to my body and then leave. I wish I'd had a doula..... Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but I wish I'd had someone there for me.

[Inanna]

Big hugs Leasha...

It may have made a difference and next time you can choose to have a Doula or Wise Woman to support you. I understand how hurt and disappointed you are - you are right to feel the way you are.

I hope you can work through those feelings in time - we are here to help you as you unpack it all.

Sending you my love and support....

[MantaRay]

Leasha, I am so sorry that you didn't get the birth you wanted. But don't be hard on yourself. You were so much better prepared than most women having their first bub. You should be proud of yourself.

I think what you are saying is really important for others, so thank you for posting it. Being informed before hand is really important. And hospital ante-natal classes do not do that. You really need to do your own reading etc. BUT, even with the best of prep, you need the right support during labour. I know that I had no ability to make decisions etc while in labour. I was just so focussed on getting through one contraction after another. I am sure if a mw or ob told me to jump off a building I probably would have. I really just followed instructions without processing them. That "logical" part of my brain was totally switched off. And this is why a good support person can make a big difference.

I would also say to you, that it is pretty common to be less satisfied with your first birth than with subsequent births. There are some things that you can only learn from experience. My second birth was way better than my first, and it was mostly due to what I had learnt the first time. Now that you have been through it once, I'll bet that if you have any more babies, you'll be able to improve on this birthing experience.

I hope that you are able to process all these emotions and in time, feel better about it.

[Shanti]

Sorry to hear of your disappointment Leasha

Thank you however for posting this, it's making me think more about having a Doula at my birth.... something i've been so undecided about and still talking to DH about it... he's happy either way I guess it's something I need to decide for myself.
I know DH will be a wonderful support person for me but having someone else there when it gets tough for me would be so beneficial also.

Don't be too hard on yourself hun

[Arimeh]

I just wanted to drop off a big big for you honey

[Nai]

Leasha, I know exactly how you feel and I also think that a doula would have made such a difference to the outcome of the birth of my DD. I have got one for this time as I feel the same way as you - this time I want someone there who knows those things and who can be there for me.

[Aimz]

First of all Leasha - BIG HUGS .

Second, thank you so much for posting this. I know how prepared you were for the birth. I followed your blog and your posts and I saw the amount of questions you asked and all of the info you gained. I was so surprised to learn that you had a c-section after 40 hours of labour. I couldn't believe it had happened so someone who was so prepared and ready for birth. Now I know that no amount of research can give you the perfect birth. It's posts like this that will help shape my own birth decisions.

Thank you for being an inspiration and for sharing your experience.

[mustangsachy]

Leasha

so sorry to hear it didn't work out as you'd planned even after all your research etc.

I too am like a couple of the other girls and been curious and wondering about a doula, thank you for sharing and hope there are happier times for you and your new family.

x

[OceanPrincess]

I have to agree with Ren - thanks for posting this, I'm just like her, undecided as to who to have at my labour.

My sister had a fantastic MW, but she only came on duty at 2pm and with her help my niece was born at about 4.45pm. I think if she hadn't been there, my sister's outcome may have been different. And as you say they aren't all great...

I think I will talk to my Obs about this. See what she thinks about doulas. I know I want DH and I was thinking about having my mum too - but neither of them brings the experience that a doula does, in knowing when to walk, when to sit, when to rock, when to shower, etc. Or suggestions on how to move bubba if she gets stuck.

Thanks Leasha, for giving me something to think about.

Big