Leasha, I know exactly how you feel and I also think that a doula would have made such a difference to the outcome of the birth of my DD. I have got one for this time as I feel the same way as you - this time I want someone there who knows those things and who can be there for me.
Second, thank you so much for posting this. I know how prepared you were for the birth. I followed your blog and your posts and I saw the amount of questions you asked and all of the info you gained. I was so surprised to learn that you had a c-section after 40 hours of labour. I couldn't believe it had happened so someone who was so prepared and ready for birth. Now I know that no amount of research can give you the perfect birth. It's posts like this that will help shape my own birth decisions.
Thank you for being an inspiration and for sharing your experience.
so sorry to hear it didn't work out as you'd planned even after all your research etc.
I too am like a couple of the other girls and been curious and wondering about a doula, thank you for sharing and hope there are happier times for you and your new family.
Leasha...you did the best you could and that's all anyone can ask of you...and all you can ask of yourself :hugs:
As manta mentioned, first births are such a "learning curve". In no way do I mean that to diminish what you've experienced, because so many women experience the same thing. It's very, very hard to get your head around exactly what you're going to need in labour before you've done it. People can tell you but without that experience to draw on it really doesn't make alot of sense.
What's most disappointing is that caregivers are often completely oblivious to what a labouring woman needs as it was in your case. I've had lots of my mums relate their obstetricians responses when they've told them they're having a doula "what a waste of money", "what do you need her for that's what midwives do" "WE'RE here to take care of you emotionally too"...the whole gammut. But with the way birth units are set up they can't. They can't sit with a woman and her partner through every single contraction until her baby is born no matter how much they want to. Birth support is a skill, and most partners don't get the opportunity to learn really useful birth support skills either, especially not if they've only taken hospital classes. So what happens is that the people with the knowledge don't have the time or resources to support you, and the ones with all the time in the world (partners/other support people) don't have the knowledge. So poor mum is left floundering with people all around her and no real support.
Keep talking about your birth leasha it's really important that you work through what you feel.
leasha- i feel quite similar about my ds's birth. dp and i were completely out of our depth. we're doing it differently this time though. the doula is all booked in and ready to go! my ob is very positive and excited about working with her, and i'm feeling a lot more positive.
Oh sweets we are all coming out of the woodwork... Sad really though isn't it how many of us feel so confident in the "system" and get let down. My midwives were the same - we went through 3 shifts of them during my labour and all of them were lovely but pretty useless. They were there to monitor the oxytocin, bubs heartrate and write notes about it all but not much else.
Now this time around - I have the gorgeous Kelly supporting me and I know that this birth will be far different. Having said that though - it doesn't take away all the feelings you have about your first birth and it is great that you can vent here hun, share and grieve - it is a long process but you are well supported by many of us who have been there and still going through that process too.
Your post highlights one of the most important yet often forgotten or glossed over aspects of childbirth. You can learn EVERYTHING about how labour works, about exactly what happens chemically, muscularly, for both you and babe. But you cannot know how YOU will be in labour.
I remember the feeling of being in labour so well. I felt stupid, i felt desperate. I was compliant and distracted. It was clear - my baby was using my body now and i had been moved RIGHT OUT OF THE WAY. It was like the world and my body were beyond thick glass, and all i could do is watch.
Luckily for me, i had been through some physical challenges before, and i planned for incredible mental and emotional weakness and inability to think or act on my own part. Without my 2 miscarriages, especially the second, which involved 5 hours of continuous excrutiating back and pelvic pain and heavy bleeding, i would have assumed that i would be FAR stronger in labour than i was. During that miscarriage i wouldn't go to hospital until my mother phoned and told me to (i was 23!). I believed the doctor who didn't even examine me before giving his diagnosis that it was some crazy complication of the Pill (which i hadn't taken for over 9 months!) and i was generally a miserable thing, agreeing with everything anyone said, even if they were contradicting themSELVES! Only AFTER the loss did i beging to return to my senses, accept what had happened wasn't my imagination.
I planned my low intervention birth not by knowing what to say "no" to, but by not being in a place where intervention could be offered. I used the gas, which i was dead against, because a midwife put the mouthpiece in my hand. Next time i will be removing the mouthpiece from the birth kit and hiding it! I thank g-d my DD came so quickly after the midwives arrived. Another few hours and i know i'd have had the morphine in my fridge too. Not because i needed it, not because i wanted it, but because they would have offered it and i wouldn't have had the wherewithal to decline.
It is a (deeply unfunny) joke to me how many women on here state how they signed forms, or had options discussed "between contractions" - as if ANYone is thinking straight between late first stage contractions! I understand that the medical system of clarification and consent works, but i can see how completely it fails to work for labouring women.
I'm so sorry Leasha, without doubt your sort of birth is way harder on the woman who DID educate herself because the missing information, the information on how YOU would be/feel/act during labour, the information of how it ACTUALLY feels to be the labouring woman and how the midwives will ACTUALLY treat you (mine were faily useless too, but too late to do much damage thankfully) is something there is no way to get in advance, and yet now you are forced to be haunted by the fact that all the things you got you KNEW you didn't want but at the time the knowledge makes no difference.
It is incredibly possible that as you wonder, your birth could have been very different without those influences. But that's NOT a sad thing, it's a happy thing!!! Do you know how many women NEVER realise how much more could have been done for them (and by them in some cases)? How many women have less children than they wanted or several horrific birth experiences they'd rather never ever think about? But you, well, just look, already thinking about how to improve your experience next time, how to help other women trying to get a good birth experience. It seems to me you're the sort of person who when you know better you do better, and that sort of humility and determination is pretty rare hun.
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Leasha, I know exactly how you feel and I also think that a doula would have made such a difference to the outcome of the birth of my DD. I have got one for this time as I feel the same way as you - this time I want someone there who knows those things and who can be there for me.
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