Help me choose my bridesmaid... and more wedding stuff *long*

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Because I can't!

I have been thinking about it for ages, and now that the official count down is on (sort of... 1year 1 day), I really need to choose someone in terms of looking for dresses and the like... because we're on such a tight budget I really want to get things organised asap.

My problem is this, I had chosen my second bridesmaid, I actually hadn't met this person but she was someone I could talk to about anything and I had every confidence she was the best person for it. But for reasons I do not wish to disclose here, other than feeling betrayed I don't believe she will be in my bridal party anymore.

Now, my mum is still bitter that my aunty didn't use any family when she got married, because said Aunty had been included in all four of her two sisters' two weddings. Including her step-daughter as a Junior BM.
I am keeping this in mind because the last thing I want to do is have mum going on about this about me in five years time.
My aunt's are not what I would call close, and my girl cousins will be 15 &14... (oh and 11 who I haven't seen in five years). The older two would be okay except I only want one more bridesmaid, and I am not willing to exclude my best friend because she is like a sister to me. I will be using my baby sisters as my flowergirls so is it reasonable to assume that is acceptable, and will keep her off my back? Or should I have a third?
Alternatively I could use his sister, he could use his brother as a GM but then my brothers will be left out.

I have a few friends I am considering;
1/ I considered using except that she is so anti-marriage that I don't know if I would gain the support I might need from her, IYKWIM. BUT she was such an amazing support to me while pregnant (she did buy my HPT for me ), it's just recently, mostly due to her Honours Thesis, I feel as though I am unimportant and she doesn't have time for me.

2/ This girl was one of my besties in first year, but we have grown so far apart... She also fooled around with an XP she knew I was still sort of with, and things haven't been the same since. When I see her and talk to her I miss her to bits, but other than that it would be no big deal if she were out of my life. I think I'm closer to a no on this one.

3/ One of DF's best friends... I want to build a better relationship with her and I thought this would be a good way to do it, but she just makes me really uneasy. She is so lovely and she would be an awesome person to be there. She is a bit similar to 1/ on the account of being a bit anti-marriage. In fact she was anti-me for a long time and a bit anti-baby too.

4/ This is the one Anthony is encouraging me to choose (and the one I *want* to choose, before i started thinking) because he knows how much she has made me smile of late and he knows that I feel she is more supportive than most of my 'old' friends despite the fact I haven't known her very long. I feel like it's an odd choice because I'm still a bit socially awkward around her, and I don't know, feel somewhat obligated to choose someone I have known longer?



Okay, second problem. Our reception will only cater for forty. We are thinking anyone under six can just share a platter instead of a meal so we can have five more adukts... but my questions is, how do you weed out the numbers to decide who is in and who is out? Is it obligatory to invite partners of the bridal party? How do I choose one friend over another? I know some BellyBwlly girls I would much rather come and have been much more supportive than my uni friends, but how do I escape the critical eye of my friends who get p!ssy because they haven't been invited to the recpetion?
Our plan is to invite everyone who we cant fit into the recpetion to pack a picnic and join us in botanical gardens for lunch the next day, but we're stuck thinking who on earth will travel for the wedding one day and BYO picnic the next? Our conclusion was sort of that if they are like that they don't deserve to be invited to the real recpetion anyway.


In all of that I conclude with why do weddings have to be so freaking expensive? I mean, seriously .

I know some of this didn't exacly pose a question but any ideas/opinions are welcome.

[Aimz]

I have a few friends I am considering;
1/ I considered using except that she is so anti-marriage that I don't know if I would gain the support I might need from her,

My maid of honour was incredibly anti-marriage. On several occasions she had to be reminded by my other bridesmaids that her comments were not appropriate. But she has been my best friend since year 7 and I absolutely adore her so it was natural that I would choose her for my maid of honour. On the day she was AMAZING - an absolute godsend. She made sure I was happy, fed, calm and collected and was everything you would expect from a MOH. She wasn't like that in the beginning though - she had to learn when to shut up - and thankfully she did!

So you might be surprised!

[Jakabella]

Weddings dont have to be expensive if you budget well.
My Dh and I payed for uur wedding - and it was the most magical day ever!
We only spent 10,000 that the budget that we had in mind and our wedding was evey bit as good as my forends who have had 30,000 plus weddings!
My advice - have what YOU want - dpnt let ppl sway your decisiions - if that what you want then do it.

We had a garden cermeony and then had a beautiful silk lined marquee at my familiy farm out in the padock - it was totally us and eveyone had a ball. We even had a BBQ for the food.

I know the whole issue of BM's - I had 4 my 2 best friends, my cousin and my sister in law - it was a hugly hard decision but Im glad with who I chose.

enjoy planning for your big day - have fun planning and mainly go with you heart - it will be a better day if you do!

Kate

[Jennifer13]

CM, do you really have to have a second bridesmaid?

We are going to blame our limiting the number of groomsmen my DP has (if we ever get married, but that's another issue) on me only having 2 sisters, so he's only having 1 best man and 1 groomsmen. Our DD would be flowergirl, but that's it. I've been bridesmaid twice before (and that's not to my sisters) and I don't intend to ask either of those friends to be my bridesmaid (not sure if that will be well received by one of them, but I will do my best to explain nicely!).

It's your day. Cutting down on one bridesmaid might just save you some $$ in flowers, dresses, etc too!

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Because I'm pedantic and i want two . We cut down from three because i couldn't decide on a third and now i feel like having three would be easier again.
i have also already paid half the flowers, though that could be changed.. and bought gifts though i suppose i could keep that for myself.

maybe im just desperate to find that we have more than one good friend each.

[Aimz]

The important thing is that you have people who YOU want - because as a girl on her wedding day, you will want to be surrounded by love and laughter - you will remember that time for the rest of your life. Don't worry about what your Mum will say - the most important thing is that YOU are happy because it's your memories.

This shouldn't be a stressful thing - go with your instincts.

ETA: One of my favourite parts of my wedding was the day of (our wedding was at sunset/night). I had my Mum, Auntie, two best friends and my SIL. We had a hairdresser/makeup artist spend the whole day with us, the hotel bought us cheese platters and sandwiches and just before the wedding we all had ****tails before we got dressed. We listened to music and we danced and sang and laughed. That is my memory. My MIL wanted me to have DH's brother's wife in my bridal party and I barely knew her - I flat out said no. And I am so glad I did because it wouldn't have been the same that day. I knew these women better than I know anyone and that is what made my day.

So don't choose someone just to please them or your Mum - choose because they are special to you and you want them to make your day memorable.

[*Ang*]

Is it obligatory to invite partners of the bridal party?

It may not be the answer that you want to hear, but if they have been together for a while (say more then 3 months) then the answer to that would be Yes. In fact I would find it quite rude if I was a member of a bridal party and my partner was not invited.

Alternatively I could use his sister, he could use his brother as a GM but then my brothers will be left out.

To me this would be the best solution, especially if you get on reasonably well with your future SIL. As to your brothers missing out, if you explain to them that by having the flowergirls you are incorporating "your side" surely they would understand? They could be included in another way, ushers at the ceremony, handing out order of service booklets at the ceremony or doing a reading.

[mum3girls]

Hey hun.

Honestly, I'd go with number 4. You need to surround yourself with people who will be nothing but supportive and make you smile on your big day. I'll PM you later to elaborate Don't include people because someone else wants you to, do it because they are someone that you want to share a special part of a very special day with.

Secondly, unfortunately (financially wise), yeah I do think it would be a bit rude not to invite partners of your bridal party. I don't know what to suggest for deciding who to include on the invite list, and who not to - but in all honesty, looking back on our wedding, there's a little part of me that wishes that we had eloped. Made it just about DH, me and the girls. Which makes me quite sad, I was just looking at our wedding photos last night, and felt really disappointed that I feel that way, but I do.

So, to sum up my little rant there you and your men (DF and little Mr A.) are the most important people on your wedding day, and I really hope you are able to make decisions based solely on what will make you guys happy, not pleasing other people.

[BeautifulMadness]

CM i am so glsd i am not in ur postion lol planning my wedding in 2 mths was a nightmare and i was 3 mths gone ( i had to choose food while i had m/s lol) i did my wedding on a budget of 4,000.
u have whoever u want at ur wedding and in ur wedding party. I know id be annoyed if my DH was invited and i wasnt.
mum3girls....lol @ eloping....i wish i had too lol

[Lukesmum]

My husband was invited to a wedding and I wasn't on the invite. At the time I thought it was incredibly rude but now I think they just had to cut numbers and I hadn't even met them so now that I have met them there is no hard feelings there and they are really nice people. I think bridal party partners should definately be invited because they are the partners of your closest friends

[Karina]

I wasnt really keen on having a massive bridal party, so I had one bridesmaid (my sister) and DH had a best man.

I chose my sister because she's awesome. It all worked out well and we had fun choosing dresses and stuff.

DH chose his best man because he wanted to get to know this guy better. It didnt work - they are just way too different to each other and the guy was not really connected to our wedding and as such didnt really help DH out with much. I remember for his bucks night, the best man invited DH over to his house (a fair drive from us) and bought heaps of beer and other alcohol (DH doesnt drink. at all. which the guy knew) and played poker all night (DH hates poker.. also something the guy was aware of), so the whole thing just annoyed DH no end.

I really didnt want a big wedding, so it wasnt too hard for me to "thin the flock' with my guests. We ended up having about 60 people. DH and I both wrote down a list of people we'd like to come. Then DHs parents wanted all their friends to come too. So we ended up having more people than I had hoped for but I wasnt going to be the one to say they couldnt come. We ended up having our parents, siblings (3 sublings for each of us) and we invited partners of them too (4 of them brought partners or a friend), aunties, uncles, DH's nanna (my nanna's health had gone downhill shortly before and she was unable to travel, and my other grandparents had passed away), a few friends of ours, my parents invited 2 friends, a friend from my school came, and then a bunch of DH's parents friends (i didnt even know these people!). We also invited kids as well. We had 6 (or was it 8?) kids there. I remember my mum telling to invite so-and-so and I was thinking - ok neither of us have seen them in like 5 years and I woudlnt know them from a bar of soap if I bumped into them on the street.. and I felt wierd about inviting people I didnt really know.. iykwim.

I think if my DH was invited to someones wedding I'd get a bit annoyed if I wasnt invited too. It doesnt necessarily mean I want to go, but its more the principle of it. I dont know what it is, but yeah I'd be annoyed if I wasnt invited. And likewise, I think I'd feel funny if I was invited to wedding and DH was not...

[luna moth]

maybe im just desperate to find that we have more than one good friend each.

Silly billy! If you're trying to CHOOSE, then doesn't that mean that you're surrounded by people special to you!
My DH said he could choose either 1 or 3 groomsmen. I said I could choose 2 or 4 bridesmaids. I ended up just having one, as one of my chosen two was living in London. It was great, because I picked a fabric (exactly the same as mine, different colour, same embroidered detail added) mailed it to her, and said "Take it to your dressmaker, get something you love" If I'd had two bridesmaids, I'd probably have done the same thing. Anyway, she ended up with a stunning dress. I also had a flowergirl. No page boy. DH had his best mate.
As for including other siblings, my brother and SIL were witnesses. We got my brother's partner to do a reading to include her. (they broke up three weeks later - eek!) These are good ways to include them. They should be able to acknowledge and accept that some of them are closer to you than others.
Choose whoever is best at:
1/ Making you look absolutely stunning.
2/ Calming you down when you freak out
3/ Turning up to rehearsals (my sister didn't. She had never seen our venue until we were walking down the aisle)
4/ Not complaining when forced to wear (and pay for) a fluoro orange taffeta marshmallow, or whatever you put them in!

note that being anti-marriage does not preclude one from any of these skills! Without knowing you, I would say go with number 1. It will reinforce your relationship.

We did our wedding for $12000 ($3000 was for the photographer though, gulp!) with 120 guests. On an economy of scale, you could do yours for $4000? Haha, but of course it doesn't always work that way.

Ours was a very DIY wedding. we made:
-the beer consumed during the ceremony (weddingbrau, DH is a brewer)
-my dress and veil
-our cake
-our cake stand
-our music playlist

It was a blast!

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Ok sorry i havent really replied to everyone just rambled some more.

Kate we're paying for our wedding too and working with a 5k budget... not easy when the church itself takes $700 of that straight up. We had looked into getting caterers for a bakyard reception but for the same price we can invite five less people and have a truckload less hassles, so we are now having it at a cheap venue.

My heart tells me to pick number four, because she has offered me a great deal of support and honestly made my life more bearable and the day to day seem happier. I have spent more time with her in a limited time than with the others in eight months i have been in this house and have had about eight visits from all of them combined. My head is telling me to pick number one in the hope she stops being a slack friend once honours is over... my head is also reminding me that she's the girl that WILL sleep with the groomsmen... okay, nasty i know, but it's true

Bridal party partners; I'm just annoyed because MOH jerk of a BF is not good enough for her and on all accounts refuses to catch up with / socialise with us... i hate the thought that some friends would have to miss out when someone who can't take half an hour to get to know his girlfriend's best friend would be included. So i know they need to be invited, i just have no respect for this person in particular.

I'm seriously starting to think about eloping LOL. I don't know... I want to get married, i don't want to be engaged forever - it's already been a year, but we're not in a financial position and probably won't ever me in a position to have a wedding with all the frills... I don't understand how people do it. I wouldnt do it even of we could afford it.

we are DIYing a lot... and i am getting our dresses made in china so all three of them should be less than $500... if all goes wrong the c/c that we dont use is reserved for my dresses. I have hunted heaps of cheap stuff down on ebay - like our bubbles i got cheaper than i had seen in any wedding shops.

snuggly what i meant by that comment is moreso that our beswt man and moh are also alexanders godparents... and always are first for everything so it looks like we dont have any other friends

[Isadora]

CM, firstly let me say congratulations on getting engaged and planning your wedding. I too am in the same situation at the moment. I have one word for you, ELOPE!! Have you looked into Bali or maybe even Fiji, as you are an Eastern States girl right? Your wedding day is about YOU & DF, no one else. Dont let people sway you and your ideas. Planning a wedding shouldnt be stressful. You can either just take off, the 3 of you, or you can invite close family & friends. For those very reasons, DF and I are planning a Bali wedding for early next year. Its relatively cheap (we wont spend no more than $5/6000 flights & accomodation included) & it includes a honeymoon to a fantastic place. And you know, these people that have expensive weddings probably have a massive debt or their parents cover it. Planning your wedding day should be fun and exciting, but at the moment it sounds like its getting you down. Anyway you can facebook me for ideas if you like, maybe we can plan together hehe.

[Sueby]

CM, don't over think it hon. Go with who you want. I look back at my bridal party & who I thought I would be close too now I am not. Things change, friendships change, so have who you want now, someone who will support you and be there for you.

I wanted to elope 6 months before our wedding but we had such an amazing wedding day and a great party!!!!!!!!!!! I am sure you will have a great day as well it's just all this crap you have to go through first makes it seem like its never going to happen.

Sue

[Nadine216]

Who's wedding are you organizing????

Who???

OH, YOUR WEDDING!!

Well then .. I have just this one piece of advice for you ...

Sit down with your DF. And talk about what YOU TWO want ... not your mother, not your MIL, not your aunty's aunty's cousin you've never met, but know are a real gossip-queen. Think about what YOU want and what will make YOU happy.

Then, call your mother .. TELL her how this is going to work. If she want to biatch about it, let her. If she wants to hold it against you for christmasses to come, what the heck ... as long as you had the day you have been dreaming of. She is NOT paying for this wedding, so SHE can't have what she wants. Being her daughter, you have the right to explain to her (yeah, and your future MIL) that this is going down YOUR'E way.

If you go into this like "oh, what would this-and-that think" or "oh, I'm not sure what I want" ppl are going to talk you into things you don't really want to do. Get your things sorted, KNOW what you want and tackle this wedding headon and let EVERYONE know that YOU (ok, and DF) are making the decissions.

You don't have to be a Bridezilla, that is not what I am implying ... just stand your ground, do your homework and stick to YOUR plans. Be confident in what you want .. ppl will be less inclined to double guess you or talk nonsens in your head.

Ok, Shutting up now!! Goodluck!!

[The[cookie]Doctor]

LOL thanks Nadine, LOVE your post!

I decided, and I went with what was the clear choice from the beginning

I had my birthday last weekend, and I saw everyone and it was so easy to see that I was right from the beginning, and that I should have had no hesitation in the first place and just gone with what I wanted without worrying about anybody else.

Probably shouldn't have posted on bb either seeing as 'she' is a fellow BB member. Who is AWESOME!!


Hayley I would have loved to elope but we just couldn't agreeon anything, so now we're sticking with the church wedding that ive wanted to get married in since i was little and tiny tight budget!

[Nadine216]

lol Glad I could brighten your day

I just get so annoyed when brides tell me that they are being pushed around and can't get what they want, because what-would-"they"-think ect, ect.

Glad you made your decission

BTW .. Darn cute geeky kid you've got there