My brother is getting married next April. I am quite close to him, but don't know his partner that well. My other 2 brothers and I have all asked to be part of the bridal party which is great, and I knew that there would be costs when I accepted, but there is no way I can afford it. I nearly fell of my chair yesterday when she told me the shoes she wants are $130, so I sent her a message saying that I can't afford that for a pair of shoes that I may only wear once or twice.. Here is a breakdown of the costs so far (just averages)
so so far up to $600 just to be in the bridal party.. I just can't afford that and being on a single wage and DH working in a volotile industry so employment not certain, def not putting in credit card.. It will also cost us about $600 in petrol, accomodation and food to go to the wedding.. Cost of getting there is not an issue and I don't begrudge paying that for my brothers wedding.
Despite it being 5 years ago, my bridesmaids forked out $150 each and I paid about $100 each for them and that was everything. I just can't understand how she can expect people to have that money floating around..
I have no idea what the outfits are like, it is her day, so will go with the flow, but do I just tell her I can't afford it? My brother knows very little about the wedding, she is organising everything and I don't want to get him involved. OR do I accept my mums offer to help (But I don't think it is her place to as she has to pay the same as us to get to the wedding)..
So any subltle ways to tell her will be appreciated, or do I just tell her, or is the norm these days to be expected to pay this amount to be in a bridal party?
Its a tough situation for you. It is normal these days for the bridesmaids to pay for some of their own expenses but I do think its a bit unrealistic to be expected to pay for ALL your own expenses.
My bridesmaids paid for their own outfits but then I also allowed them to pick what they wanted to wear - same colour dresses but different styles to suit their shape. I did everything else for them though including the night before accommodation.
She is going to be part of your family so I would suggest calling her and just simply be honest and explain that you cannot possibly afford the cost of being her bridesmaid considering there will be a large expense to travel for the wedding as well. Maybe offer to stand down as her bridemaid and ask if you can be an usher or something else so you can still be a part of their day.
I don't recommend texting her about it though its very impersonal so would definately make the effort to call her and explain the situation.
Can you try shopping around a bit? Ask her for the specific shoes that she wants and then try and see if you can get them somewhere else (or something really similar)
Also, do you seriously need your nails done? No-one will ever see your hands anyway, and the same goes for makeup - just do your own.
Hair I can understand because she probably wants everyone to look the same - but again - check with her to see what she is imagining.
The dress is a little bit more problematic - but given that the wedding is still so far away maybe you could suggest that some more thought is put into something a little less expensive.
I don't know of any way of asking a bride to change her vision - the only ones I have come across have all been a bit bridezillaish - but I would speak to your bro about it. Explain that you are really happy to be involved and really excited but given that you are on a budget you are really struggling to come up with the cash and is there any way of making it cheaper. Its his wedding too, you are his sister and as far as I am concerned he should be the mediator.
If it were me, I'd just say flat out that I can't afford it.
There is no shame in this financial environment to admit that you can't afford something extra like that. Then you put it on her to offer to cough up the money herself to cover your stuff
Mel - normally I am that upfront, but I don't know why its different this time..
Muppity - I wish I could get her to shop aorund, but she a bit of a bridzilla with it all. This is what she wants, and this is how it is going to happen. The only say my brother has had is who the groomsmen are, and when asked, he doesn't have a clue what is happening..
Nae - I was expecting to be paying around $300 or so for the day, and having a similar thing where I paid what each couldn't afford to make my day what 'I' wanted, suppose I am a little shocked by it all..
And to top it off, she also sent another message on FB saying that she is trying to keep costs down and has already had to pay $60 for our jewellery. Good thing she wasn't here while I calmed down..
But I have decided that I am going to call my brother and ask him if there is anything else I can do on the day instead (thanks for the idea Nae), like usher or do a reading, or even MCing as they still haven't sorted that.. But I will just tell him that I cannot afford $400 + for an outfit that I will probably never wear again. I don't go out that much and as it is 'black tie', not the kind of thing I would probably have the occasion to wear again. It will then give them the opportunity of offering to pay 1/2 or taking the out of not having me in the wedding party. I think it would be better now, than when she is expecting me to cough up money that I can't afford.
Just thought I would give an update and say thanks for the tips again, even though SIL would not accept that I didn't have the cash.
This was just getting way out of control. I was told that I can't be strapped for cash cause we just went to NZ for a holiday (in-laws paid the flights and our spending money for 3 weeks was less than what I needed to pay to be a bridesmaid )
I was talking to my brother tonight and warned him that I was going to tell SIL that I am unable to be a bridesmaid. As well as the money (and I had stressed to bro earlier that I was willing to commit to $300 if they helped with the rest, and he was fine with this), I also can't commit to dress or shoe sizes till later this year till my body settles down after having baby and she wants to order things now.
He was ok, but said to send her an email, and he will call her (he is a truckie and away till tomorrow arvo).. Apparently she has just had another bridesmaid pull out cause she wants to have a baby..
Whilst I feel for the woman having had another bridesmaid pull out, what she is asking is ridiculous - there is no way you should be paying for your own nail/hair/make-up appointments!
And the comments about how you spent your money on a holiday is so far out of line - I would've told her to get stuffed on the spot! lol Just as well you are nicer than me
Good luck!! I hope that your brother can talk some sense into her and you can indeed get to be in the wedding, everything works out for the best
Most important is that our brother and SIL have a smooth day in the end - the lead up is always tragically complicated somewhere! lol
Oh dear... Hasn't anyone told her that uptight brides are the ones who *always* get bad weather? The only rainy weddings I've ever been to have been for people who obsessed about the colour coordination of ribbons on candles exactly matching the Father of the Bride's bow tie. lol.
Stick to your guns, especially about the money. I had my dole-receiving sister as my bridesmaid, so did it on the cheap for her, and our flowergirl's mum insisted on paying for hair for all of us. Sounds liek you're not in such a rosy situation though.
You could probably flog the dress and shoes on ebay and make back some of your costs.
And ditto LS about the holiday comments - none of her sodding business!
I think you did the right thing telling her. IMO if the bride expects the bridal party to pay for everything, they should have some say in what's going on. For my wedding I told the girls this is the colour, as long as you both look nice then you pick the dress. Turned out they both wore the same dresses anyway. With shoes I just told them to wear open toe black shoes (they were wearing black ****tail dresses) and the jewellery I got from a cheap shop and it cost me about $10 each and still looked really classy.
I don't think it's fair to not let people have any say what so ever in what they are wearing if they are the ones paying for it.
How do I tell her? - long but I need help!
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