How do I tell her? - long but I need help!

[Doing my best]

My brother is getting married next April. I am quite close to him, but don't know his partner that well. My other 2 brothers and I have all asked to be part of the bridal party which is great, and I knew that there would be costs when I accepted, but there is no way I can afford it. I nearly fell of my chair yesterday when she told me the shoes she wants are $130, so I sent her a message saying that I can't afford that for a pair of shoes that I may only wear once or twice.. Here is a breakdown of the costs so far (just averages)

Dress: $300
Shoes: $130
Hair: $50
Makeup: $100
Nails: $40

so so far up to $600 just to be in the bridal party.. I just can't afford that and being on a single wage and DH working in a volotile industry so employment not certain, def not putting in credit card.. It will also cost us about $600 in petrol, accomodation and food to go to the wedding.. Cost of getting there is not an issue and I don't begrudge paying that for my brothers wedding.

Despite it being 5 years ago, my bridesmaids forked out $150 each and I paid about $100 each for them and that was everything. I just can't understand how she can expect people to have that money floating around..

I have no idea what the outfits are like, it is her day, so will go with the flow, but do I just tell her I can't afford it? My brother knows very little about the wedding, she is organising everything and I don't want to get him involved. OR do I accept my mums offer to help (But I don't think it is her place to as she has to pay the same as us to get to the wedding)..

So any subltle ways to tell her will be appreciated, or do I just tell her, or is the norm these days to be expected to pay this amount to be in a bridal party?

[NaeNae]

Its a tough situation for you. It is normal these days for the bridesmaids to pay for some of their own expenses but I do think its a bit unrealistic to be expected to pay for ALL your own expenses.

My bridesmaids paid for their own outfits but then I also allowed them to pick what they wanted to wear - same colour dresses but different styles to suit their shape. I did everything else for them though including the night before accommodation.

She is going to be part of your family so I would suggest calling her and just simply be honest and explain that you cannot possibly afford the cost of being her bridesmaid considering there will be a large expense to travel for the wedding as well. Maybe offer to stand down as her bridemaid and ask if you can be an usher or something else so you can still be a part of their day.

I don't recommend texting her about it though its very impersonal so would definately make the effort to call her and explain the situation.

Nae x

[Muppity]

Can you try shopping around a bit? Ask her for the specific shoes that she wants and then try and see if you can get them somewhere else (or something really similar)

Also, do you seriously need your nails done? No-one will ever see your hands anyway, and the same goes for makeup - just do your own.

Hair I can understand because she probably wants everyone to look the same - but again - check with her to see what she is imagining.

The dress is a little bit more problematic - but given that the wedding is still so far away maybe you could suggest that some more thought is put into something a little less expensive.

I don't know of any way of asking a bride to change her vision - the only ones I have come across have all been a bit bridezillaish - but I would speak to your bro about it. Explain that you are really happy to be involved and really excited but given that you are on a budget you are really struggling to come up with the cash and is there any way of making it cheaper. Its his wedding too, you are his sister and as far as I am concerned he should be the mediator.

[Arimeh]

If it were me, I'd just say flat out that I can't afford it.

There is no shame in this financial environment to admit that you can't afford something extra like that. Then you put it on her to offer to cough up the money herself to cover your stuff

[Doing my best]

Thanks Girls..

Mel - normally I am that upfront, but I don't know why its different this time..

Muppity - I wish I could get her to shop aorund, but she a bit of a bridzilla with it all. This is what she wants, and this is how it is going to happen. The only say my brother has had is who the groomsmen are, and when asked, he doesn't have a clue what is happening..

Nae - I was expecting to be paying around $300 or so for the day, and having a similar thing where I paid what each couldn't afford to make my day what 'I' wanted, suppose I am a little shocked by it all..

And to top it off, she also sent another message on FB saying that she is trying to keep costs down and has already had to pay $60 for our jewellery. Good thing she wasn't here while I calmed down..

But I have decided that I am going to call my brother and ask him if there is anything else I can do on the day instead (thanks for the idea Nae), like usher or do a reading, or even MCing as they still haven't sorted that.. But I will just tell him that I cannot afford $400 + for an outfit that I will probably never wear again. I don't go out that much and as it is 'black tie', not the kind of thing I would probably have the occasion to wear again. It will then give them the opportunity of offering to pay 1/2 or taking the out of not having me in the wedding party. I think it would be better now, than when she is expecting me to cough up money that I can't afford.

[Doing my best]

Just thought I would give an update and say thanks for the tips again, even though SIL would not accept that I didn't have the cash.

This was just getting way out of control. I was told that I can't be strapped for cash cause we just went to NZ for a holiday (in-laws paid the flights and our spending money for 3 weeks was less than what I needed to pay to be a bridesmaid )

I was talking to my brother tonight and warned him that I was going to tell SIL that I am unable to be a bridesmaid. As well as the money (and I had stressed to bro earlier that I was willing to commit to $300 if they helped with the rest, and he was fine with this), I also can't commit to dress or shoe sizes till later this year till my body settles down after having baby and she wants to order things now.

He was ok, but said to send her an email, and he will call her (he is a truckie and away till tomorrow arvo).. Apparently she has just had another bridesmaid pull out cause she wants to have a baby..

[LimeSlice]

Whilst I feel for the woman having had another bridesmaid pull out, what she is asking is ridiculous - there is no way you should be paying for your own nail/hair/make-up appointments!

And the comments about how you spent your money on a holiday is so far out of line - I would've told her to get stuffed on the spot! lol Just as well you are nicer than me

Good luck!! I hope that your brother can talk some sense into her and you can indeed get to be in the wedding, everything works out for the best

Most important is that our brother and SIL have a smooth day in the end - the lead up is always tragically complicated somewhere! lol

[luna moth]

Oh dear... Hasn't anyone told her that uptight brides are the ones who *always* get bad weather? The only rainy weddings I've ever been to have been for people who obsessed about the colour coordination of ribbons on candles exactly matching the Father of the Bride's bow tie. lol.

Stick to your guns, especially about the money. I had my dole-receiving sister as my bridesmaid, so did it on the cheap for her, and our flowergirl's mum insisted on paying for hair for all of us. Sounds liek you're not in such a rosy situation though.

You could probably flog the dress and shoes on ebay and make back some of your costs.

And ditto LS about the holiday comments - none of her sodding business!

Good luck!

[Just Me]

Just a thought - I don't know much about your family or family situations so I could be very wrong . . .

Your mum might want to help you out with the money for the bridesmaid stuff to try and keep the peace a bit and keep relationships between everyone happy. She might not mind forking out the extra $$$ because keeping the peace may be more important to her.

It doesn't mean that your SIL expecting you to hand over that much money is reasonable and I agree with the others - what you and your family do for holidays is absolutely none of her business.

I guess what I am getting at is maybe you should have a chat to your mum about how she is feeling too. I agree that she shouldn't have to, but maybe she really wants to . . . I am speaking from experience of parents that are like this . . . they would rather fork out enormous amounts of cash to keep the peace than have us all upset with each other. I very much think on the principle of the matter and I am not happy if something doesn't seem right and fair, but I also think that my parents don't want to be in the middle of anything and respect them and their need for us all to get along.

I don't know if that helps much, but thought I would throw it out there. Good luck with everything and I hope that it all comes to a harmonious solution

[Mum2SweetCs]

Hi Heather,

I would be spewing if I had to fork out that much for being someone's bridesmaid. My two bridesmaid at my wedding didnt pay a cent and I gave them a gift after too. What i see it is that they were doing me a favour, so I wouldnt be expecting them to fork out for anything.

However, I wasnt that strict that they had to wear the same shoes! I bought them the dress which they both picked together, makeup, hair and flowers.

They bought their own accessories and shoes? I really dont understand why all bridesmaids need to wear the same shoes. Surely their beautiful faces is more to look at than their shoes? But hey thats my opinion.

Good luck babe and hope you sort things out soon.

[Doing my best]

Thanks everyone..

I did let her know last night (not verbally, my bro insisted on doing that), and she was 'ok' with it. It is just a relief to me that I am not going to be getting all these messages about how much things are going to cost and the money is needed soon..

Townsvillegirl - Mum had offered to help out, but their finances aren't the best at moment, and they will also be paying the same as us to go, and it was the principle, she has to accept that our family doesn't have that kind of money to throw around (heaven knows how she will get on when she moves out, but that is a whole other thread), but my brother was willing to pay, just not her.

Pheonix, I was starting to worry that I was so out of touch with the bride/bridesmaid thing.. I had 4 bridesmaids, and they paid what they wanted/could afford, and of course, for their help etc, I gave them all a vase as a gft.. The girl who paid $300 only did so cause she bought a pair of shoes for $200 cause she loved them till they died (I requested black and closed in, besides that I didn't care).. They also had the dress made for a style that suited them, they were all different, but same material. I wanted them to be comfortable too.

Anyhow, thanks for the advice, I can know sit back, think about what I am going to wear, know that I can afford to make it, and maybe even afford a decent pressie

[danniellabella]

I think you did the right thing telling her. IMO if the bride expects the bridal party to pay for everything, they should have some say in what's going on. For my wedding I told the girls this is the colour, as long as you both look nice then you pick the dress. Turned out they both wore the same dresses anyway. With shoes I just told them to wear open toe black shoes (they were wearing black ****tail dresses) and the jewellery I got from a cheap shop and it cost me about $10 each and still looked really classy.

I don't think it's fair to not let people have any say what so ever in what they are wearing if they are the ones paying for it.

[NaeNae]

Oh dear... Hasn't anyone told her that uptight brides are the ones who *always* get bad weather? The only rainy weddings I've ever been to have been for people who obsessed about the colour coordination of ribbons on candles exactly matching the Father of the Bride's bow tie. lol.

Hehehehe glad you didn't come to my wedding. I wasn't uptight but then I so hoped it would be a misty rainy day in the Dandenong Ranges and it was - mind you it was a winter wedding too

Heather - I am so glad things have worked out for you, and that your fsil was understanding. At least now you can relax and concerntrate on other things without feeling pressured.

Nae x

[Violet Star]

There is nothing worse than having expectations placed on you and feeling like you have been when being part of a wedding, been there, done that!

I think communication and clear expectations are important for weddings and being a part of them. It puts so many families and friendships to the test.

And unfortuately, those lovely bridal places takes nearly 4-6 months for some dresses to come in! Must be that travel distance from the one woman boutique they get them made in.

I hope that you find something gorgous for you to wear and that the relationship with your FSIL isnt effected by this little speed bump.

Have you spoken to her about being a part of the wedding in another way instead. maybe doing a reading or something else. To show that it was only about the not being able to afford the cost.