Well... where to start??? :scratch:

Looks like I dropped off the face of the planet in September. Which sounds fairly accurate as that is when things started going downhill. I'll give as brief a update as I can but be arned I'll probably still write an essay .

Alex...
Well September Alex would have been seven months old. He had three teeth at seven months, was rolling from tummy to back, could sit up unassisted if I sat him down, and was starting to become interested in toys.
The journey to crawling was thanks to the Roll-a-rounds that he continuously chased after. He started off pushing himself up on his feet and then throwing his body forward - almost like the commando crawl in reverse. At this stage he would only get himself from one side of the room to the other but enough to keep him entertained with his balls. He started crawling at about 9 months when he made a little friend ho could move faster than him. He still crawls funny, uses his left knee and his right foot. I think the foot propels him further forward or something. He chases things everywhere and I can't get five seconds peace. He now even follows me to the toilet and then, of course proceeds to pull himself up on my legs and stand there.
He is standing and pulling up on furniture very independently, and he can take up to 10 steps on his own, which is very exciting, but at this stage we have to hold him up and then he takes off. He is becoming more an more steady by the day, so I would say he will start letting go of furniture and scooting by himself soon enough. I'm tearing my hair out just thinking about him walking.
Loves balls and more balls... has just learnt to bounce, it's quite cute and it makes me giggle.
He has eight teeth and is currently cutting at least one, but I think both bottom molars.
Speech wise he is still a babbler. He can say dadada and bababa and rarara. He can sort of say hello (thank you INTG), and he also sort of says Ta. But the 'ta' comes out as anything he feels like, including 'gok' at one point. But we sort of look at it as it's great that he is eliciting a response and I am very proud of him.
We finished breastfeeding at 9 1/2 months but I'll go into that more below, I was really keen to keep trying as I still have heaps of milk but even if I could get him to suckle he no longer likes the taste of breastmilk .
Umm I think that is it for him.

Me.
Ummm I turned 21 in September, which isn't particularly exciting. Guess it made me feel more validated as a parent however as I'm an 'adult' now. Anyway, no big deal. As you know I had been on AntiDepressants since July, but I took them pretty sporadically. Major issues with denial.

I trust you girls to not make judgements here, but normally I don't share my PND story outside of the private forum, so this is a bit of a heartspill for you...

I don't actually remember a lot of what happened with me betwen my birthday and November, but it was horrible. Even though I had been taking the Zoloft regularly, I deteriorated mighty fast. I was at a point where I was wanting to strangle Alex and had serious thoughts about not only harming him but also myself. I, at times, would feel nothing and even went through a phase where I refused to tell Anth that I loved him because I just didn't know if I felt it.
My house fell apart. I stopped doing dishes and washing on a daily basis, and I would only drag myself out of bed to shower every 3-4 days If Alex cried when he woke up I would physically hurt him by squeezing too hard when i picked him up. I didn't even realise I was doing it. I even once tried to smother him with a sheet. I was really aggressive, angry and not myself. The reminder of things that happened really scared me.
I hated him breastfeeding. I hated the dependance. when he would refuse a bottle and would have to have boobie I would sit there clenching my fists and crying. At times I would cry just because I felt so pathetic and that only made me feel worse. I really withdrew from the world. I hardly spoke to my family, my mum and anthony and I had started to fight regularly. I couldn't stand Anthony touching me, talking to me, hearing him say 'I love you' made me cringe, and if he breathed on me I wanted to vomit.
I had terrible insomnia and struggled to get to sleep until 5am most mornings, with Alex up at 7:30.

Somehow I soldiered on until November and then had a major breakdown. I called my local clinic and said i needed an urgent appt with my GP and then called PANDA and cried my eyes out. I talked to her for about an hour and then she called my GP so she could explain some things before I got there. I ended up being there for 1 1/2... How embarrassing when I only got booked for a 15min appointment. Anyway, we talked about everything, and we tried to get in touch with a mother/baby unit. Got the run around and had to talk to this other clinic, who I have a major dislike for (she insinuated that as a young couple we should of had an abortion. I was livid), but made an appt for the next day. Went in there talked, to to different people and then they said they needed to make more calls, go home and theyd call us back... WELL....
Who should call when we got home but Child ****ing Services. Behind our backs. I won't even bother going into my rant here but my psychiatrist said that it wasnt necessary. I was furious. They claim they did it because they were worried that Alex was bad for my safety and not the other way around but it certainly doesn't come across that way. Anyway...
Landed a spot a W'bee MBU and it was a Godsend. My meds were doubled over the course of my three week stay, psychiatric counselling, group therapy, baby bonding, learnt that i have many many mother issues... I'm still **** scared somedays but I am infintely better. The change is leaps and bounds more than I expected. I have written an extended journal of my stay but won't bore you with it

Then we went on holidays to NSW (which was delayed by two weeks because of my hospital admission) and decided that we're moving there. Will be living around the corner from Anth's parents in Yass and although we will be far from our friends, I will at least have much needed family support. We move next weekend. Currently on the hunt for jobs and feeling very anxious about it all but I know it's the right thing to do.

Since then we have had Christmas and New Year, all way too hectic for my liking, but fun nonetheless.

Okay that's me over with, I will try catch up with hat's been going on soon! Please link me to pictures of your gorgeous babies. I can't believe some of them are turning one soon, how time has flown....