Nic - You know I don't do fakeness very well, so please know that I write from genuine concern and care factor, and always have. I love the idea of writing down what you're feeling now, too! It's a great idea - for you, for Nixon. I can just see you watching over him - what a lovely visual I have. You don't have to recover like anyone else in the same or a worse situation - they're not you, and vice versa. You've got your own things to deal with and it can't help to see other people and see that they've coped better. Cos the thing is, you just don't know that for sure - they probably think the same about you!
It does sound unresolved. Maybe you could get an appointment with a health psychologist attached to the hospital you were at and they could get you a referral to someone in Sydney. It could be the hormones making you feel more emotional, but the emotions that get brought up come from somewhere, the hormones don't create them, they just exacerbate what's already there. I would expect that what you're feeling is a very natural response during a second pregnancy after what happened. I think you're doing really well to have come this far before having these conflicted emotions! Brownie points to DH for noticing you sounded different, too He's a boy, he might wonder why you don't see Nixon as he is now and just 'get over it'. It's hard for men, cos they will never know about the connection between a mummy and child and the hopes and fears she starts having well before the baby is born. Not only that, you didn't have family close by, and your friends were mainly childless (I don't think I'll ever forget your post about your friends who came over for a dinner and they didn't even ask about Nixon, or show interest when you brought him out - that hurt MY feelings!).
The other thing is, lots of people think that it doesn't matter how the baby comes out, as long as the baby comes out safe. But you and I know that birth is more than just how you get the baby out. It's not until the unexpected happens that you realise it, though, in most cases. It's like breastfeeding. People assume it's just a way to feed your child, but we know that it's a lot more than that, but when it gets taken away from some women through forces out of their control, they feel such a loss that it can't be 'just' a way to feed your child, and there's grief when it doesn't work out. When you have to go to Plan B (birth or BFing), you need to go over what happened with Plan A constructively, or it might haunt you later. Plan B worked out well for you, but I think it's a great idea to write about Plan A and how you felt when it slipped through your fingers (it's not even that important to write about why it might have happened, you could be there forever!). It won't be easy (and you'll cry!), but Mel hit on a really good one there. Thinking about ya, anyway :hugs:
Well, today we did Part B of BIL's wedding - the family get together at MIL's, to compensate for all the rellos who weren't invited to the small wedding last week. It was really good and there were rellos who hadn't seen Oscar yet (they saw him when he was a bump!), as a lot of them live in the country (not as far as you, Jess, but the furthest were from Kilmore and Sunbury. I left in the evening to visit my GF, who had been planning a birth centre birth, but an amniotic leak saw her be induced yesterday and be cut. Both are well, she is as well as she can be given the circumstances. She'll be a cute mummy - you'd never have picked her to have a baby, but like me, finding her partner (well, fiance in her case) convinced her it had to be done! I got a nice long hold and left when the little one had attached and was feeding properly for the first time. I actually got a bit misty eyed and said I had to leave before I got all mushy! Back to MIL's to hang out and watch The Bill and now I'm ready for bed with a snotty boy.
Mel - Thanks for the tip about Polaramine - I've found it good for me in the past. I'll run it by the doc on Monday (will make an appointment, cos I think I'll need the med cert to apply for an extension for my assignment - I can't be expected to churn out decent work after being up at night with a congested, runny nosed baby, for a few nights in a row!). Meanwhile, I have Dimetapp. Not sure it's working, though - but that could be because a goodly bit dribbles out the side of his mouth! It's not 'pleasant tasting', as it says on the box...hell, it doesn't even smell nice.
Hiya Jaspen - long time no read!
Mel - before I forget, did you see the Kahlua and Tia Maria coffee at Aldi? $9.99 a bag...yummo! You'll need a coffee grinder, though. I LOVE my Kahlua - I get my stash from Duty Free...I have about 3 bottles here...if you can fix me up with a HD by sneaking into my records, I'll give you one...LOL! JUST KIDDING...I would hate for that to be used against me in a court of law or something!
Night all