Baby Alexander - born and died 28-04-08

[danek]

Hello All,

I'm a first timer on this forum but hope that telling you my story might ease the pain that I'm feeling.

I gave birth to my son Alexander last Monday. Following a healthy pregnancy, Alex was born 3 days before his due date. We had geared up for this day and were fully prepared for the labour, as this is our second son.

I only felt a few movements on Sunday morning but assumed that all had quietened down by the afternoon as I was experiencing contractions. When we got to the hospital I was hooked up to the ECG to monitor our baby. When they had difficulty finding the heartbeat, they tried a scalp probe. Finally an ultrasound revealed the unimaginable. Alex had died. The midwives were as shocked as we were.

Following a long labour, Alex was born at 8:36am on Monday 28th April. We are still in a state of shock. It is so hard to believe that this has happened. I'm feeling so alone and desperate. The funeral is on Wednesday and I truly don't know how on earth we are going to get through it.

Trying to recover physically and emotionally - will this ever end?

[Kitt3n]

oh hun - i cant even absorb what you are going through

I cant talk from first hand experience but, unfortunately, there are a few others here who have had to endure what you are no going through here on these forums.

Hopefully some of the ladies here can be your pillars of strength.

[Lee]

Oh Danek - my heart breaks for you What a terrible shock - I'm so sorry you lost your son in such traumatic and unexpected circumstances. Did you get any reason yet as to what might have happened to your little man? There are quite a few ladies in the late loss thread who have also sadly experienced a stillbirth - so you have come to the right place for understanding and support. I lost my son last year - he was one day old, and his death was equally unexpected and traumatic. It's the most horrendous and sad thing to experience - and only time will ease your pain somewhat - but don't have too high expectations of yourself for some time

I wish there were more I could say to ease the devastating pain and grief I know you will be experiencing, but all I can offer is some degree of understanding and plenty of cyber hugs.

Lee xo

[treelo]

My heart breaks when i hear of stories like this. Im so sorry for your loss hun.
I have no answers, nor have i experienced a still birth as my angels grew wings very early on. But know that we are all here for you and i will be thinking of you today and everyother day, especially wednesday. And im sure Alexander will be watching over you both and guiding you through this very emotional time.

my thoughts are with you
treelo

[tiggerlinda]

My heart is breaking for you

[maybe baby]

Oh Danek

I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling but lots of to you.

One of my friends had a stillbirth (also her second baby) and she has recovered - although it took a long time. We still remember her baby (who would have been 6 this year).

Take up all the support you can from everyone.

We are all here for you

Sasha

[Ginger]

i'm so sorry
i'm so so sorry danek

[~Trish~]

I am so so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious baby boy .

You will find lots of support from the special ladies here.

[danniellabella]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family now and especially on Wednesday

[alikat]

My heart goes out to you. I cannot fathom what you have experienced. allow yourself time to grieve and dont let anyone tell you what to feel.

AlisonM

[Trish]

I am so very very sorry for the loss of your sweet angel baby Alex.

Spring, what a beautiful and touching post. Huge hugs for you too sweety

[all girls]

So brave of you to share your story. I'm so sorry for your loss I could never imagine what you are going through.

We will all be thinking of you tomorrow.

Rest in peace little Prince Alex

[mom2PnE]

I'm so sorry for your loss!

[button]

hi im so sadin by your loss i lost my boy at nine days old he was born at 32 weeks. I was like you wondering how i was ever going to face the world and get on with life, but i have become so strong you never get over it you just learn to manage your pain.

[danek]

Hi All,

I had a heartbreaking experience the other day. It was the first time that I went to visit a friend who was pregnant at the same time as me and had her baby 2 weeks before I had Alex.

I didn't think that I would find it so difficult. I love babies, and am so happy for her but the whole question of 'why can't I have this?' kept rolling in my head.

I had only just started leaving the house but after this visit, I couldn't leave my room for the next 3 days. I didn't expect my reaction to be like this. I know it is still early days. Perhaps I was testing myself to try and 'get better quicker'.

Can anyone share with me how you have coped with seeing other babies following your losses? Is it simply time that will help make it easier?

Danek

[Lynn]

Danek It is so so hard seeing other pg people and babies even when they aren't close to you. It took me months to get out of the house after we lost Cooper. Even when I did, the first few times I went to the shops I walked straight back out in tears because all I saw was prams, babies and pg women - they were everywhere! You need to put yourself and your emotions first. It was a very brave and strong thing to do to see your friend who had a baby around the same time you lost Alex. Looking at your friend, she is holding what you should be holding, she has all the hopes and dreams to look forward to when you don't. If she is an understanding friend she will support you and know that it will be hard for you to be around her and her baby. Don't push yourself to do things or do things because others think you should. You are still in the very raw stages of grieving so be gentle with yourself.

You will continue to question, why you? And why does she have her baby and you don't? It is so normal to ask all these questions, the hardest part is knowing that you will never get answers.........but I still ask these questions.

I didn't see babies for a very long time, the first time is always the hardest. Time does heal pain but it will never go away because as your friend watches her baby grow you will watch it grow too but will never have the chance to watch Alex grow............that is the hardest. Whenever I see babies the same age as Cooper I always wonder what he would look like, what he would be doing and it still hurts so deep inside.

I don't think that I'll ever be able to return to my original self but I guess its going to be a long road before I find out who the new me actually is. Does that make sense?

You will never be the person you used to be...........you are now a grieving mother who will always have a baby in her heart and dreams but not in her arms. Surround yourself with people who understand that and can support the new you. You are exactly right, it is a long road and it may take time to find the new you...........some days I still think I am finding the new me.

Don't push yourself to 'get better', just take one step, one day at a time and you will know when you are ready to do things

[SugarDust]

Danek - I hope you are well and that the pain will ease for you in the near future! We are ALL here for you when ever you need to talk. Alexander is watching over you, I can feel it!

[Brooke*]

Hi Danek,
I too lost my precious boy 6 weeks ago he was one day old. Just wanted you to know that i am thinking of you and am going through similar experience. In my social circle my DH and i are the last to have our babies so we feel really isolated as our journey has been totally different to that of our closest friends. Everytime that we're with them and their children we are saying i wish that was us with our boy...i wonder if we would do that etc.
I am going back to work in a month and faced with my employer's expected pregnancy. We compared notes with each other while i was pregnant with Jed. I know she too is having a little boy and i am sure i will try and put on a brave face but i know i am going to feel like why can't that be me... and feelings of jealousy, but that's ok.

I guess what is keeping me going at the moment is knowing that we had him. I find comfort in symbols of him...comfort in recognition and pride for him.
I have been finding it hard to look at photos of the last 8 months knowing i was pregnant and it was the happiest time in my life. But then i think he means that much to me i should find comfort in these memories...some days i do and others i don't..most days i am going ok but i get angry, then sad, then confused, then happy again...some days when i am out and see babies it does not bother me and then other days i feel so alone a vulnerable i just want to get out. Its a journey of highs and lows.
Your journey will take its course as you see fit i guess we have to respect our own feelings and ride every emotion out. Our emotions are a symbol of our true love for our baby's.
You are in the right place to chat...i have found this forum so helpful its amazing the feedback and messages that people post provides so much comfort and support.
Take care of yourself