Baby Alexander - born and died 28-04-08

[danek]

Its three weeks since Alex's birth. The longest time of our lives. I don't feel as though there has been any healing. I am stuck in this ongoing sadness. Not sleeping or eating. Just this great sense of loss that I cannot move on from.

For those that have been through this, please tell me there is hope.

[Spring Angel]

Danek: I can tell you first hand it does get better but it is a long and painful path that you are walking. I am going to be totally honest with you, it took me about 10 weeks before I could even face going outside of my house, I didn't want to face the world without my baby boy in my arms. Even then after so much encouragement and support from my Husband, I only made it to the first roundabout down the road before I insisted he turned around. The world was still turning but mine had stopped.

It just hurt so bad, that is the best way to explain what I felt. Not just an emotional pain, but a stabbing physical pain. I never ever knew that I could cry so many tears. Not just quiet tears, but heart-wrenching, sobbing, yearning tears. Once everyone else's tears had dried up, I was still drowing in them.

You know what, I would be worried about you if you weren't going through this. As painful as it may be, there is no way you can give birth to a child and not feel this pain. In some ways to be numb would be worse.

I found sleeping really tough some days and then other days I would not emerge until 5.00pm then only to get up and wash my face because the tears stung and then I would crawl back into my bed. I had really terrifying recurring dreams but I was living a nightmare so I felt I was being haunted in my sleep also. And you know what, there is no right or wrong way to cope with this. The way you are feeling is entirely normal. There may be days when you don't feel quite as bad and then you will feel guilty because you should be sad. Grief is a strange thing.

Please take comfort in my words. I promise you, it will get easier day by day, moment by moment.

I'm happy to PM you my number for those middle of the night times when the loneliness seems consuming.

Here for you whenever you need.

Spring

[sconeonamission]

oh, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family and may Alexander watch over you.

[Inanna]

Darling, I feel so so sad when I read your words.
It WILL get better and you WILL get thru this time. It is slow and nobody's journey duplicates another. How you are feeling is what incredible grief feels like. It is a lonely, cold place that hurts incredibly.

I can remember when I had found out my first baby had died. I was sent home to come back the next day for a D & C. I remember when I woke up the next day it seemed incongruous that the sun still rose, that life was going on around me as if nothing was wrong. When clearly it was all so terribly wrong. I too that first time found it hard to get out of bed. It took weeks before I would go down the street. I couldn't stand the questions, the cheery faces, the sad faces... I couldn't stand any of it.
What you are experiencing is part of the process - you need to be supported - come in here and get that loving support. You may find comfort / help from Sids kids or other organisations or a private counsellor...

One day soon you will smile more in the day than you will cry. It will slowly happen.

We are here to help you, to cry with you, to laugh with you - to be your friend.

[Naomi]

Danek, i am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy.
You are in my thoughts and prayers sweetie

[Lisa]

Oh sweetheart.
As Flowerchild said, one day you will smile more than you will cry... in the mean time, allow yourself to cry as much as you want to.
Thinking of you honey... you have friends and support here, and loads of shoulders to cry on

[danek]

I've discovered the power of the sleeping pill. After some actual sleep and some hopeful messages - dare I say that today I feel that one day (not now) I may be able to face the world again.

I don't think that I'll ever be able to return to my original self but I guess its going to be a long road before I find out who the new me actually is. Does that make sense?

Its good to know that I'm normal in my reaction. Its difficult when some expect me to pick up where I left off and just get on with it.

Thank you all for your messages.

Danek

[button]

hi im so sadin by your loss i lost my boy at nine days old he was born at 32 weeks. I was like you wondering how i was ever going to face the world and get on with life, but i have become so strong you never get over it you just learn to manage your pain.

[danek]

Hi All,

I had a heartbreaking experience the other day. It was the first time that I went to visit a friend who was pregnant at the same time as me and had her baby 2 weeks before I had Alex.

I didn't think that I would find it so difficult. I love babies, and am so happy for her but the whole question of 'why can't I have this?' kept rolling in my head.

I had only just started leaving the house but after this visit, I couldn't leave my room for the next 3 days. I didn't expect my reaction to be like this. I know it is still early days. Perhaps I was testing myself to try and 'get better quicker'.

Can anyone share with me how you have coped with seeing other babies following your losses? Is it simply time that will help make it easier?

Danek

[Lynn]

Danek It is so so hard seeing other pg people and babies even when they aren't close to you. It took me months to get out of the house after we lost Cooper. Even when I did, the first few times I went to the shops I walked straight back out in tears because all I saw was prams, babies and pg women - they were everywhere! You need to put yourself and your emotions first. It was a very brave and strong thing to do to see your friend who had a baby around the same time you lost Alex. Looking at your friend, she is holding what you should be holding, she has all the hopes and dreams to look forward to when you don't. If she is an understanding friend she will support you and know that it will be hard for you to be around her and her baby. Don't push yourself to do things or do things because others think you should. You are still in the very raw stages of grieving so be gentle with yourself.

You will continue to question, why you? And why does she have her baby and you don't? It is so normal to ask all these questions, the hardest part is knowing that you will never get answers.........but I still ask these questions.

I didn't see babies for a very long time, the first time is always the hardest. Time does heal pain but it will never go away because as your friend watches her baby grow you will watch it grow too but will never have the chance to watch Alex grow............that is the hardest. Whenever I see babies the same age as Cooper I always wonder what he would look like, what he would be doing and it still hurts so deep inside.

I don't think that I'll ever be able to return to my original self but I guess its going to be a long road before I find out who the new me actually is. Does that make sense?

You will never be the person you used to be...........you are now a grieving mother who will always have a baby in her heart and dreams but not in her arms. Surround yourself with people who understand that and can support the new you. You are exactly right, it is a long road and it may take time to find the new you...........some days I still think I am finding the new me.

Don't push yourself to 'get better', just take one step, one day at a time and you will know when you are ready to do things

[SugarDust]

Danek - I hope you are well and that the pain will ease for you in the near future! We are ALL here for you when ever you need to talk. Alexander is watching over you, I can feel it!

[Brooke*]

Hi Danek,
I too lost my precious boy 6 weeks ago he was one day old. Just wanted you to know that i am thinking of you and am going through similar experience. In my social circle my DH and i are the last to have our babies so we feel really isolated as our journey has been totally different to that of our closest friends. Everytime that we're with them and their children we are saying i wish that was us with our boy...i wonder if we would do that etc.
I am going back to work in a month and faced with my employer's expected pregnancy. We compared notes with each other while i was pregnant with Jed. I know she too is having a little boy and i am sure i will try and put on a brave face but i know i am going to feel like why can't that be me... and feelings of jealousy, but that's ok.

I guess what is keeping me going at the moment is knowing that we had him. I find comfort in symbols of him...comfort in recognition and pride for him.
I have been finding it hard to look at photos of the last 8 months knowing i was pregnant and it was the happiest time in my life. But then i think he means that much to me i should find comfort in these memories...some days i do and others i don't..most days i am going ok but i get angry, then sad, then confused, then happy again...some days when i am out and see babies it does not bother me and then other days i feel so alone a vulnerable i just want to get out. Its a journey of highs and lows.
Your journey will take its course as you see fit i guess we have to respect our own feelings and ride every emotion out. Our emotions are a symbol of our true love for our baby's.
You are in the right place to chat...i have found this forum so helpful its amazing the feedback and messages that people post provides so much comfort and support.
Take care of yourself

[melham74]

Danek, Your freind probably felt the same way, and in the inside greiving with you for what should have been yours also, I cant offer words from experience but can from the piont of veiw of being the best freind of a mummy that lost her little baby to sids at 4 weeks old, for many weeks I avoided taking my son to her house, oneday she said to me did I think that she would kill him as she was going through a stage of anger and blaming herself, it took all my courage but I found the words comming out of my mouth that it wasnt her my son loves her and I could see her heart breaking and couldnt bear to see it break anymore, this was in Feb and she is his godmother but only in the last couple of weeks has she even been able to face him, so dont push yourself or place any expectations on yourself as to what others expect, take one day at a time and when you are ready to face others with children do it slowly, as I am sure they do understand hun.

[~clover~]

I am so sorry. I normally avoid these threads as I'm scared of that very thing.
My MIL lost 2 babies in a row. One to SIDS at around 3 months & one at about 3 weeks, coz he was serverely disabled. About 4 years apart.
She told me it takes at least a year to even start to feel a bit better. Everyone is different though. Just remember to be strong for your other child. I know it must be hard. I can't even begin to imagine.

[Spring Angel]

Danek: Even since having Oliver I have some days when I find it hard to see pregnant women. A friend had a baby last week and although I am happy for her, all I could think is why does her baby get to live and Harry didn't?

Brooke: Welcome to BB hun, I am so very sorry that it is in such tragic circumstances. You sounds like an amazing person and you are right, you should be proud of your little boy.

Big understanding cuddles to both of you.

Take care
Lv spring

[Hammi]

How are you going Danek? Day by day, OK...

[danek]

"Taking it day by day" seems to be the standard answer to the "How are you?" question - as many of you know. And it truly is day by day. Some days are, well, not good but more positive than others.

The hospital gave me a small book with some memories of Alexander and within it was a poem that I've heard many times before but the meaning never registered until the other day. Take it or leave it - but I thought I would share it and maybe you might be able to take something from it, as I did:

Please, grant me serenity
To accept the things
I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can:
Wisdom to know the difference.
Let me take one day at a time
And remain at peace

This has helped me look at all my thoughts of, "if only I had" or "what if I had done this differently" and realised that if I had the ability to change anything, I would, but I need to accept that I cannot.

Anyway, I thought that I could finally share a positive with you all.

Danek

[Rowie]

Danek

Although my journey is different to yours I understand the statement that you will never be the same person. You wont be, you will grow in yourself from this experience. You have come to the right place for support, the members on BB are rocks for each other.

Take care of you.