I just posted in the general discussion before realizing it had been dead a while. I didn't want to start my own thread, I just need somewhere on bb to hang out. I miss my belly buddies and I'm not ready to join a ttc group so I'm missing the company!

I just had my d&c last Friday after finding out that my 9 week baby had no heartbeat. It was weird, I'd been to see my Ob at 8 weeks and he was totally happy with everything. I had only very mild nausea which he said was fine but I was feeling so paranoid so I asked for another ultrasound (I'd had one at 5 weeks to check it was not ectopic again but it had been too early to see much). I thought I was just being silly but I wanted to hear the heartbeat. Because of Easter I couldn't get my scan until 9w2d. I wasnt even going to take DH along but he took a long lunch break to come see our bub. I really was not expecting for the sonographer to tell me there was no heartbeat. It measured just under 9 weeks so it must have passed away over the Easter weekend. I never had any spotting or cramping. If I didn't request that scan and if it hadn't been delayed a few days, who knows when my body would have told me that I didn't have a baby?!?!

I'm still really raw emotionally, yesterday just putting the benefibre away brought on some fresh tears (weird how we miss even the most uncomfortable symptoms).
I keep trying to analyse what would be an appropriate level of greif for a 9week loss. I know it's still first trimester and I cannot even comprehend what it would be like to lose one later or to lose a young child. I know everyone's greif is different and totally valid, but I'm such an over-analyser and I feel like I just want someone to tell me how to feel!

I've got a great support network IRL (I had just told some more family and close friends I was pregnant the day before the scan) but I feel like I need a support home here on bb where people will understand that these things take a lot of time to heal.

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I'm dreading that so much. I am really resisting and resenting having to replan the months and years ahead without my baby. This pregnancy was PERFECT timing for us, but now... urgh I hate thinking about it! Even planning the days ahead is hard. I just want to stay here in bed under the covers and never emerge.