I've been married for 3 1/2 years. Six months ago DH and I decided to start TTC. After only 3 months we conceived, but at 10 weeks I started to bleed. I went to the hospital for a u/s and my baby was only 7w5d in size and there was no heartbeat. I had a D&C on the 1st of August.
I surprised myself by how many positive (or not entirely negative) things I could find in this situation: We have more time just the two of us....At least we won't have a child with a deformity/disability (although if I hear the "it's nature's way speech one more time, I'll scream)....I wasn't 100% sure I wanted kids, so now I know....I won't be heavily pregnant during the summertime....I'll be able to drink at my cousin's wedding....etc. Anything to make me feel better.
But none of it makes me feel any better.
Now I'm just really confused. I don't know anyone among our friends or family who have been through this. I can't make up my mind whether or not to try again. I keep telling myself I need to give myself time, but its so hard to get out of bed in the morning. But I do get up, go to work and try to do the best I can (not easy when I spend a couple of days a week at a perinatal clinical trials centre). I feel lost...I don't know what I'm aiming/working for.
Then last night my DH (my darling, sweet, supportive husband) brings home the number for the employee assistance program at his work. Apparently they have a counselling service and his manager suggested we speak to someone. I don't really know why I'm so upset by that. Maybe guilt that I'm causing him worry...or shame that its so obvious I'm doing so badly that outsiders are suggesting we get help...or just so so tired of feeling like crap...
How do you mourn the loss of something the size of a paperclip?
I can recommend the counselling. It may be your husband wants to talk about it, or hopes it may be a way you two can deal with it together. I know when we had counselling the sessions ended up being more about how we deal with each other than actually talking about our baby.
People mourn loss very differently, so however you're feeling is your way of dealing with things. If you're not sure you want to try again, give yourself some time until you do. There are many women on here who've had losses so don't hesitate to reach out.
Hannah - So sorry for your loss To answer your question - how do you mourn something the size of a paperclip, I guess you need to put it into perspective. Yes, that bub was tiny, but it was still your bub, a part of you and your DH. What you mourn is the lost dreams that you had for that bub and the family you become.
After I had my m/c, my GP actually said to me "you've lost a child" and he was right. For us, our little bub was a dream, we had TTC for ten long years, our close friend had been murdered a month before we found out we were pg, it was like a message from her, we had decided on our bub's name. We felt that bub was a girl and were already deciding how to fit her into our two bedroom home with two big brothers. We saw our bub's flitting heartbeat, our bub had also failed to thrive, at 8w, she was the size of a 6w.
Everyone grieves differently and there is no "right" or "wrong" way. You do what you need to for yourself. You will find that some days or just fine and others you just don't want to get out of bed or you'll find yourself crying over nothing. You'll look at pg women and wish that was you. Probably a good idea to talk to someone even to work out why you don't want to mourn.
Hi Hannah,
So sorry for your loss and welcome to BB. We all grieve differently, just let yourself feel whatever you may, anger, sadness. Maybe counselling will help you and your DH, even if it's just talking about your precious angel, it may help you both. Wishing you all the best.
Thankyou all for your kind words and support. Yesterday was a really bad day. Today I feel a little sheepish for whinging when I look around BB and see so many women who have/are experiencing their own losses. Especially those who have lost more than one. My Mum knows of a woman who has had 8 m/c and is now pregnant with #9. She's still smiling and sometimes I wonder, why can't I?
I guess it just comes down to the fact that a loss is a loss is a loss. But today I think I just might be able to smile.
That's it Hannah - a loss is a loss and you are allowed to feel whatever you feel. It's not a competition - pain is pain pure and simple. Take heart from the other women on here and draw strength from their experiences. I hope you can smile today sweetheart.
Adele
I think you are probably indecisive because you are grieving and thats ok.
Allow yourself to grieve, its very important.
Try talking to a counsellor if you can. Otherwise talk with your DH.
When you have had a bit more time you will know more what you want to do.
I spent the first month pretty much crying (19wk loss) and then i knew exactly what i wanted to do and went for it. I was pregnant again a few months later.
Its important you allow yourself to feel the feelings you have though. Very important.
Help! I'm lost.
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I am sorry for your loss..
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