I Don't Understand

[SadNicole]

My boyfriend and I were not trying, but after taking a test on Wednesday I found out we were having a baby. I didn't really know how much I wanted to be pregnant. I didn't realize how happy I would be. I called my boyfriend and told him (he works out of town in the oil industry and is due back next Wednesday) and he was as excited as I was which surprised me, but in an amazing, wonderful way. Everything felt so perfect and surreal until yesterday sometime in the afternoon. I was at work and started feeling crampy like I was getting my period sort of. I looked online and found posts on websites similar to this one that said that cramping was normal in early pregnancy and wasn't anything to be too concerned with. So I went about my day and went to the restroom at some point and when I wiped there was a little blood. It made my heart stop for a minute but I tried to tell myself that it was just normal spotting and it would get better. I called a health hotline that we have here though and the nurse I spoke to told me that it was probably normal but to make an appointment just in case. I made an appointment with my doctor for today (Friday). So I go home last night, talk to my boyfriend on the phone, actually felt ok. Still crampy and spotting but he made me feel like everything was gonna be ok and I just needed to relax. So I went to bed and woke up at about 11:30 with horrible pains in my abdomen. Like really awful period pains. I went to the bathroom and checked things out and noticed that I was bleeding a lot. Like a normal period. I thought that was way too much and there were some clots and it looked kinda funny. I can't say how really. So I went to the hospital and when I was checked the doctor told me that my cervix was open and I was having a miscarriage. I couldn't really say anything but "what do I do?" and the doctor told me that they couldn't really do anything because of it being so early. He told me I would probably not need a D & C because it seemed like everything was progressing naturally. I couldn't even talk. I just kept thinking "but I just found out yesterday".
I don't know what to do. I don't know why this happened and how I was so happy a day ago and now I am heartbroken. And I feel bad because I know that women have a lot more time to bond with their babies and then they have a miscarriage and that seems so much more awful. So I feel sort of guilty feeling so sad. And angry. I just don't know what to do. I want that baby back and I don't care that the baby was very early in development. He or She would have been my child and I feel so broken. Like someone has been taken from me that was so important and beautiful and I will never see them or hold them or show them how much I love them. My boyfriend can't come home and I feel so alone.

[Brockstar]

Hi SadNicole

I understand exactly where you are at. (I am just a week past my 1st m/c). You are hurting badly and your emotions are very raw. It does not matter that you only knew about your baby for a short time. You still had time to connect to your angel.

Do you have family or friends around that you can talk to? I know that does not replace your b/f being there, but if you can talk to someone about it, it might help you a little.

I contacted the Bonnie Babes Foundation today and am waiting for a call back from a counsellor. My husband had been great, but he feels he can't do anymore for me and that I need some professional help. I will let you know how I go, it might be worth a phone call to them (or some other form of counselling).

I am also finding that taking it just one day at a time is getting me through it.

Please let your emotions out. Don't bottle anything up. Cry, scream, rant, rave, write in here, start a diary, create a blog.

I also try and create a list of positives and negatives. I won't post them here as they may offend some people, but they are things that get me through each hour, each day.

I also find that putting all my efforts into other things helps a little - keeps you busy and your mind off it for a little while - gives your body/mind/soul a few minutes rest.

I didn't write this to make it about me, please don't think that - I write my findings in the hope that there is something there that will help you out.

Sending you soul healing vibes.

[satya]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't feel bad because your loss was early. All my losses were early but I suffered tremendously because of them. I found the only cure for the pain I felt was to start trying again as soon as possible. With an early loss it's OK to BD when the bleeding stops. You will probably grieve until you are pregnant again, and it will hit you again when your due date comes around. If you tell anyone in real life about the loss expect them to be fairly blase about it - saying stuff like "it was meant to be" or "it was so early you should be over it now" etc etc. Don't take offence to what they say, they just don't know what to say. After a little while you will start to feel stronger but just grieve for now.

[missya]

Dear Nicole, I am so sorry Sweety I feel for you. I have misscarried twins myself and know the pain you are going through. I can't do anything to make you feel better but I want you to know your not alone and I'm am shedding tears for you and your loss. It doesn't matter how far along you were you still have the right to grieve for what would have been, don't keep the pain inside it doesn't help. A big hug for you!!!!!! Take care

[diannescruffy]

Hi Nicole, So sorry for your loss hun. I just want to send you a big hug. I've had two miscarriages and a stillbirth, I know how much it hurts. Your little angel will always be with you and you are alowed to grieve no matter how early it was. Take care.

[STARRYSKY]

hi nicole, I am so sorry for the loss of your little angel.
It doesnt matter how far along you are when it happens, in just that short time you had, im sure you would have bonded with that baby, dreamt about what it would be like to have that child, started making plans, we all understand, it is no easy thing to go thru.
I am glad that you found us at belly belly, I came here a short time after I lost my angel, I am still here now, I hope that you will find the support you need here, I know I did.
like the others have said, feel free to grieve, try not to bottle it up and pretend all is ok, it will just come out later.
sending you big hugs nicole, as stated, take it one day at a time, I still find it hard to think about, but the pain does "ease" eventually.
xxx

[MistyFying]

Nicole. Unfortunately there's no simple, instant way to heal your heart after a loss. There's only time, the love of your close ones and the hope that one day you'll feel ready to try again.

[snowie]

Nicole
come here and post when you need. I have found that women in forums like this one have been much more supportive than those in real life. Do something special for you.

[tempus moriendi]

I'm so sorry for your pain. Sending a cyberhug and I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Katiegirl]

I am very sorry for your loss. I would also suggest that you call a counsellor - Bonnie Babes, SIDS or SANDS might be useful. Do not feel you can't ask for help and there is no rules on how to grieve. Let yourself be sad and don't feel guilty about your feelings - you have lost your baby and that hurts. Take care.

[Auntie M]

i'm so sorry for your loss. xxoom