Okay, I feel like I really need to rant, but I don't think I'm ready to "rant" it to my friends, workmates and partner, even though I really should be rather than here. So I guess I could here anyway?

I had my first miscarriage, Emily at 16 Weeks in September 2008, following a car accident. Following this, I felt so guilty seeing as I was the one driving even though I wasn't in the wrong. But I was the one driving. I was the one who had control of the vehicle. I ruined the night, killed my daughter and ruined that portion of my life, as well as my fiancee's. As each day passed, it seemed somewhat easier, like every day a bit of weight was taken off my shoulders, and returned to work as soon as I could. But not all of this weight was taken off. In December 2008 I found out I was pregnant again. I felt so guilty. I had only just lost my first daughter, and I had already fallen pregnant again? For weeks I felt horrible. But eventually I picked myself up and remembered that I'm lucky. There's so many other couples that don't have this chance! I didn't put Emily behind me, but I slowly had to think, she's gone, she's not coming back. But I won't forget her.

And so, the second pregnancy went on, and on. I was so happy, I really thought this would be it. But on February 3rd, my world came crashing down, when I again miscarried. Halle was only 15 Weeks. How could I have done this AGAIN? I feel as if I have done something really wrong. At first I thought maybe it was punishment from my first loss because I was the one driving. But I soon realised that, no it wasn't punishment. What happened, happened.

But this time I don't seem to be coping as I did with Emily's loss. I feel as if each day is going completly opposite, backwards. It feels harder to work - especially seeing as I work in the same hospital where both these miscarriages, I guess, were "based". Or however you'd say it. It also feels so much harder to talk to anyone else. Which is why I'm on here rather than speaking to them. I don't have the guts to do it yet, I'm not ready, and I think I need time off work again. Aghhh I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to cope when Emily's due date comes around next month. We'll just have to wait and see.

Thanks for reading, I just really needed to talk, or type. I just had to let it out, for the time being. I'm not looking for any sympathy I really just needed to do it.

Thankyou xxx