I think I need to rant.

[Bondi_Girl]

Okay, I feel like I really need to rant, but I don't think I'm ready to "rant" it to my friends, workmates and partner, even though I really should be rather than here. So I guess I could here anyway?

I had my first miscarriage, Emily at 16 Weeks in September 2008, following a car accident. Following this, I felt so guilty seeing as I was the one driving even though I wasn't in the wrong. But I was the one driving. I was the one who had control of the vehicle. I ruined the night, killed my daughter and ruined that portion of my life, as well as my fiancee's. As each day passed, it seemed somewhat easier, like every day a bit of weight was taken off my shoulders, and returned to work as soon as I could. But not all of this weight was taken off. In December 2008 I found out I was pregnant again. I felt so guilty. I had only just lost my first daughter, and I had already fallen pregnant again? For weeks I felt horrible. But eventually I picked myself up and remembered that I'm lucky. There's so many other couples that don't have this chance! I didn't put Emily behind me, but I slowly had to think, she's gone, she's not coming back. But I won't forget her.

And so, the second pregnancy went on, and on. I was so happy, I really thought this would be it. But on February 3rd, my world came crashing down, when I again miscarried. Halle was only 15 Weeks. How could I have done this AGAIN? I feel as if I have done something really wrong. At first I thought maybe it was punishment from my first loss because I was the one driving. But I soon realised that, no it wasn't punishment. What happened, happened.

But this time I don't seem to be coping as I did with Emily's loss. I feel as if each day is going completly opposite, backwards. It feels harder to work - especially seeing as I work in the same hospital where both these miscarriages, I guess, were "based". Or however you'd say it. It also feels so much harder to talk to anyone else. Which is why I'm on here rather than speaking to them. I don't have the guts to do it yet, I'm not ready, and I think I need time off work again. Aghhh I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to cope when Emily's due date comes around next month. We'll just have to wait and see.

Thanks for reading, I just really needed to talk, or type. I just had to let it out, for the time being. I'm not looking for any sympathy I really just needed to do it.

Thankyou xxx

[aussienic]

I just wanted to offer you a hug... I hope someone can come by and offer some words of comfort for you soon

I am sorry for your Losses

[maybe baby]

That's awful - lots of love and comfort for you

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Aww sweetheart Thank you so much for sharing your story

Losing one baby is horrendous enough, but to lose two in such a short time is indescribable, i'm so sorry. You said you blamed yourself for Emily's death, and felt that losing Halle was punishment for driving the car. You also said you realise what happened, happened - but I wonder if your heart realises this? You say you 'ruined the night, and that portion of your fiancee's life' - I would say it was whoever hit you! We can be the best driver in the world, but it only takes one idiot to bring it all down

Having lost your babies so close, I'm not surprised you're having a harder time with Halle, because you're probably still grieving for Emily as well, KWIM? If you need to take time off, you should absolutely do it. Take a couple of weeks, and cry, scream, hit something, whatever helps you release this pressure. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we have dealt with something, when we've actually just managed to cover it over. But the problem is, when you cover over something, it'll always come back later, and it'll be worse.

Nobody else would blame you for either tragedy - you need to look inside yourself and make sure you're not still blaming yourself either!

PM me if you want to talk

[Glamourcide]

I just want you to know that I really feel for you. I had an early miscarriage shortly after the birth of my daughter (who is also named Emily - you have good taste in names!) so I have some concept of what it feels like to lose a child, but I think for me it was a bit too early, I didn't really *feel* it, you know?

Please don't blame yourself for your losses. These things are out of our control, even things like car accidents (whether you were driving or not - just think, if you had been a passenger you would be forever beating yourself up for getting in the car with that driver, kwim?), so please don't feel guilty or blame yourself for something that is just out of your hands.

I can't imagine how it must feel to go to work every day and be in the place where such tragic things have happened to you. I don't know if I could be strong enough to do it.

I'm not sure that I can offer any valid advice to you to help you heal, but I definitely think you need to feel it and grieve properly, not just try and sweep it under the carpet and pretend you're okay. We're all here for you if you can't talk to anybody around you IRL (and let's face it, I'm sure there are sooo many of us, myself included, who use this forum to talk about things that we can't discuss with our loved ones), I know nothing I have to say can really help you begin to heal but I just want you to know that I'm incredibly sorry for your losses, and that I hope you can find a way in time to cope with your feelings.
If it helps any, I'm thinking of you and despite being about as far from religious as you can get, I'll say a little prayer for your darling babies. I hope you're okay and that you can get the help you need to not only move forward, but to deal with this
*hugs*

[Je$$_84]

Oh hun i was in tears readying your story. i too have angel babies but not from the same situation as you. It was a huge fear of mine while pregnant with my DD as i worked up til the end and the driving to work etc.

Any loss wether it be an early or late loss is very difficult to go through and no matter what the circumstances it is an emotional time.

Okay, I feel like I really need to rant, but I don't think I'm ready to "rant" it to my friends, workmates and partner, even though I really should be rather than here

I know its a difficult time but talking about it helps to work through your emotions and helps come to terms with what has happened. It will never be easy and will always hurt but opening up and releasing all that bottled up feelings will release alot of that pressure and guilt.

You said your self the accident wasnt your fault. Yes you were the driver but it wasnt like YOU hurt your baby on purpose.

But I was the one driving. I was the one who had control of the vehicle. I ruined the night, killed my daughter and ruined that portion of my life, as well as my fiancee's

Does your DF know this is how you feel??? what happened to your angel emily was an accident. I know it doesnt change how you feel but it was beyond your control. I really think you need to maybe get some councelling and work through this pain. its hard enough dealing with one loss let alone 2 close together.

With my losses i kept them to myself and never spoke about it til one day the anniversary of my 2nd came round and i lost it. i just couldnt cope. i broke down and no one knew why. After lots of talking with friends and family they helped me see that it wasnt anything i did and there was nothing i could do to change it. It sucks i know. its not fair and it hurts that suck an innocent soul has gone. A friend suggested we have a little "ceremony" type thing where i spoke about my lost babies we also released a white baloon into the sky as a symbol of my baby floating up to heaven. I think you need to find a way to forgive yourself and give yourself a chance to grieve for the loss of Emily and Halle. Please speak with someone. If your not ready for your friends and family PM me and i will help anyway i can. You should go through this in the dark hun.

[diannescruffy]

Hi and welcome to BB. I'm so very sorry for your losses. Please don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault. I think it's a natural instinct for us to blame ourselves when things like this happen. I lost Emmanuel at 24wks and I too went through a stage of blaming myself. I'm so glad you found us here as you really need to talk about it and I know how hard it can be talking to family and friends as unless you've actually experienced a loss they just don't understand. I really feel your pain. Just take day by day, don't worry about tomorrow and grieve in any way you know how. Take care.

Regards,
Dianne